Coming Closer
by BnayyFF
Summary: After disappearing for 3 years. Bella returns to Forks in search of the one thing she should have never left behind. UPDATE 7/1/12 : CURRENTLY BEING RE-WRITTEN AND RE-WORKED. thank you for your patience.
1. Older

**A/N: Hey everyone! Sooo this is my first attempt at a twilight fan fic so please go easy on me. I've really tried my best and I'm happy with this firs chapter. I hope you enjoy as much as I enjoyed writing it. **

**Disclaimer: All characters belong to Stephenie Meyer, I only own the plot. **

******

_He's older… _

My heart clenched tightly in my chest.

_He looked older…he _was_ older. _

My hands held a vice like grip on the steering wheel of my car.

_So much, older… _

Before I knew it, my arms were wrapped tightly around my mid section. My chest was heaving, I couldn't breathe. The ripping and burning was all too familiar, though the boy, no _man_, was not.

_Older. Older. Older. Older. _

The word was sharp and hard against my heart beating in time with it. He had made his decision, he had made his choice.

_And it wasn't me. _

I turned the ignition, fumbling with the keys, desperate to get out of there. I was stupid, so stupid. What was I doing here? I had no business here.

3 years. It had been three years since I'd last seen him, seen any of them.

Charlie, Billy, Sam, the pack, Mike, Angela, Ben, and J-

My heart clenched and the hole tore deeper at the thought of his name.

Jacob, _my Jacob. _

The house was the same; everything was the same.

But he wasn't. He was _older_.

The soft glow floating through the window sent a familiar sense of warmth surging through my body, the smell of Emily's cooking thrilled my stomach; and the sound of booming laughter filled my heart with joy.

But it wasn't mine; it no longer belonged to me.

I had caught a glimpse of him through the window, but it was all that I needed. He was big, but bigger; his russet skin, dark and glowing in the light of the room. His face, his face was more defined, rougher; sharper.

_Older. Jacob, my Jacob._

_Not mine, not me._

_He chose. _

I tore my eyes from the house, and shifted the gear into Reverse. I needed to get out of there. Before the tears, the waterworks, and the hurt; I wasn't ready yet.

Tap. Tap.

I shrieked, throwing my hands to my face.

I turned to my window and gasped. It was Embry, Embry Call, standing at my window. His expression filled with confusion, his eyes with disbelief.

I tried to steady my breathing. I shifted back to park. I rolled my window down.

"Bella?" He whispered.

And that was all it took. All noise in the house immediately stopped, the only sound left was the fading peel of laughter, a woman' voice; one I could not recognize. The air was still and thick with tension, I could have choked on it.

The front door slammed open.

"Hey, Embry," I mumbled, feigning surprise. Happiness.

He was there, I knew Jacob was there. I couldn't bring my eyes to look at him.

_Older, so much older. _

"How are you?"

He stuttered over an answer. Something along the lines of,

"You're here, I'm good," He gasped. "You're here?"

I attempted a smile; it turned out more like a grimace.

"Yeah, I'm back." The words hung in the air between us.

Embry nodded and looked towards the porch. I didn't follow his gaze, keeping mine trained on his face. Embry looked the same.

He _wasn't_ older.

Embry nodded his head slightly then turned back to me.

"Hey Bella, it was good to see you."

_No, no, no. _

"I'm gonna go inside though," He ran a hand through his cropped hair. "Let everyone know you're back."

Right, like they already didn't know.

I nodded my head. Embry turned and walked away, again my eyes did not follow.

I turned my car off and returned my hands to the steering wheel. My heart clenched tightly, accelerating.

The stairs didn't creak, the ground made no sound, but he was there before me, before the car. His large framed cast a shadow over me, something I thought impossible; it was night, shadows don't occur at night.

_Older_ and _bigger_.

I took a deep breath and raised my eyes to his. My breath hitched, I choked. His eyes, those beautiful eyes. Dark and brooding; disbelief.

I couldn't tear my eyes away. He was so beautiful.

_Jacob, my Jacob. _

I gripped the steering wheel, I couldn't breathe.

Then suddenly I was crying and I was in his arms. I never registered leaving my car; I never noticed the slam of my car door as it closed. All that mattered was that I was in his arms, crying and shaking.

"Bella, Bella" He whispered over and over again into my hair.

His warmth was shocking or maybe I was just so cold.

I pressed myself closer to him, my palms flat against his chest, his bare chest. His heart thudded against my fingers, I kissed his chest.

"Jacob," I cried, and squeezed closer. "Jake,"

"You're home," He kissed my forehead. "God, you're home."

His hands wrapped around my waist pulling me impossibly closer. I reached up and grabbed his face, my hands tracing the outline of his jaw. He leaned into my hand, breathing deeply. And then suddenly his lips were on mine.

I was vaguely aware of the tight grip of his hands on my hips as I tangled my hands into his short hair. I gripped at what ever I could.

I kissed him hard and fast, my lips moving swiftly with his. It was rough and raw, almost animalistic; and I was growing lightheaded but I didn't care. I bit his bottom lip, pulling and tugging. He let out a low growl, pulling me closer to him, tracing his tongue across my own bottom lip.

I opened my mouth drawing him in instantly. His breath was hot in my mouth, his tongue working wonders as it danced with mine. His scent was intoxicating, woods, earth, and rain. His taste, he still tasted the same.

I whimpered lightly as he lifted me up onto the hood of my car. My legs wrapped tightly around his waist, pushing myself into him. His hands ran lightly up and down my back, raking and dragging out long lines of want and need.

"Jacob," I groaned into his mouth.

He moved his body hard against me, gripping at me tightly; moans and groans escaping his lips setting my skin blazing, my body on fire. I clutched at his arms, moving with him.

"Bella," He moaned.

I hadn't realized how badly I missed him. I hadn't realized how much I needed him. I had spent three whole years, yearning for him, craving him. But the reality of it the realness and extent of my isolation had hit me then and there, with his lips on mine; his body against mine.

Jacob's hands moved and tangled into my hair and he kissed me harder. My heart swelled.

"I love you," I whispered against his lips.

_Jacob, my Jacob. _

And then it all came crashing down and I was suddenly cold.

Jacob's hands froze within my hair, his body still and tense. My grip on his arms loosened, falling away from him slowly. I lifted my eyes to look at him, but they were squeezed shut, a look of pain displayed across his face.

"Jake," My voice was nothing but a whisper.

"Bella," He whispered, his voice filled with grief. "No."

_No. Jacob. Older. _

_Mine, not mine. _

He moved away from me, my head fell into my hands.

_He chose. _

"You're older," Was all I could whisper.

**

**A/N: Hope you liked it! Don't forget to rate and review! More is on the way =) **


	2. Not Mine

**A/N: Hey everyone! I just wanted to say thank you so much to everyone who read and reviewed my story. I was so nervous to get all of your feedback. I'm such a perfectionist when it comes to my writing and my worst critic. I'm never fully satisfied with what I put out there. But this next chapter I'm feeling ok about it, still unsure. Hopefully you enjoy like you enjoyed the previous one =) Happy reading!**

**Disclaimer: Once again I only own the plot; the lucky Ms. Stephenie Meyer owns everything else. **

In all my life I've never regretted anything…until now.

I couldn't look at him. I couldn't bear, to look at him.

"Bella," He breathed, stepping towards me.

I shook my head. I held up a hand.

"You're older" I said again. He stopped in his place.

I could feel the sharp sting of new tears. He didn't answer me.

"I'm sorry," I slid off of my car. "I shouldn't have come here."

I wrapped my arms around my mid section, turning to get back into my car.

"Don't do that," His voice was cold, hard. "Don't"

I looked at him and I could see the anger in his eyes, though his body _no longer_ trembled. My stomach heaved and bile filled my throat.

_He chose. _

"Jake," I was crying, my arms still wrapped protectively around my middle.

He reached me in two strides and grabbed at my arms.

"Don't," He yanked my arms from my body, roughly. "Don't do that."

He held my arms tightly in his hands pulled away from my body. His eyes were ablaze, furious and dark. Again, he did not tremble.

"Jake – please" I struggled against his hold. If I didn't recover my arms I was going to fall apart.

"I'm not him," He hissed.

I immediately quit my struggle my jaw slackening. And I realized my stance wasn't recognizable to only me but to Jacob as well. The familiarity of it had crushed him. Yet he was right, he wasn't _him_.

He released my arms and stepped away from me. I dropped them to my sides, my head hanging low once more.

"Jake you're-"

"You should come inside." He cut me off. I looked up and found his back facing me.

"Jake,"

He walked away and was suddenly at the front door. I had forgotten his speed, along with many other things.

"Charlie will want to see you."

He walked in, leaving the door wide open. I had no choice but to follow him.

******

"Bella!" A deep voice cried, and I was suddenly engulfed in arms, that felt strangely familiar but unrecognizable all the same.

"D-dad?" I mumbled into his chest.

"Oh, God Bells you're home!" He cried pulling his arms tighter around me. I reached my arms up and hugged him back, sinking in to his embrace.

Charlie and I had never been affectionate with one another; we just weren't those types of people. I was so alike him in so many ways and during my time away I had forgotten.

"Dad," I said again, tears springing to my eyes once more.

"Oh kid I've missed you so much," He cried into my hair, clutching at me tightly.

"I-I missed you too."

Charlie pulled away from me and held me at arms length giving me a once over. His eyes were red, brimmed with more tears.

"You've grown," he stated a somber look passing across his eyes. I nodded.

And so had he. Charlie's hair was grayer, and there seemed to be a small beer belly taking shape on his stomach.

"Well what did you expect her to do?" a scratchy voice asked. "Shrink away to nothing?"

I looked for the source of the voice and found Billy wheeling himself towards me, a smile plastered onto his aged face. I had forgotten that we were in La Push, in Jacob's house; with the entire pack and friends watching.

My face heated, I smiled at Billy.

"Hey Billy," I said giving him a small wave.

"Bella," He wheeled up and took my hand. "It's good to have you back."

"It's good to be back," I flicked my eyes towards the corner of the room where I knew he stood. He didn't look at me.

"Welcome home sweetie,"

Sue Clearwater smiled at me from the couch she sat on with Seth; they were both beaming at me happily.

"Thanks," I shifted on my feet.

To the right of them sat Leah and Paul upon the floor, though their eyes did not look at me. Across the way Jared sat on the floor, with Kim sitting between his legs, leaning against him lovingly.

Kim waved at me. I smiled. Embry nodded at me when I looked his way.

I knew that there were three missing. Quil, Colin, and Brady; they were most likely on patrol.

There was an uncomfortable silence.

"Bella, it's good to see you." I turned away from them and looked into the face of Emily. For the first time that night I truly smiled.

Way back when, when La Push was my second home Emily and I had been close. Not necessarily bosom buddies but we shared an understanding between us. We both had wolves in the pack, men we cared about, men we loved. She understood my worrying, my confusion. We never exchanged more than ten words between each other, but we never needed to.

"Emily," I said moving forward to give her a hug. Sam stood behind her dutifully one hand upon her shoulder. His face was passive and emotionless as he stared at me. And as I looked around the room I realized that everyone's were, at least the members of the pack.

I should have known that this was how it would be. I should have expected to receive this kind of treatment. I deserved it after all.

"Sam," I nodded.

"Bella, it's good to see you."

"Likewise," I replied.

Another uncomfortable silence.

"You must be hungry," Emily said, reaching forward and taking my hand.

"Yeah, yeah actually I am." My stomach chose that moment to growl. A low chuckle broke out in the room and I smiled, embarrassed.

"C'mon, let's get you some food." Emily dragged me towards the kitchen and everything in that moment returned to normal, but now normal included me; which made things not so normal anymore.

As I left the living room I could faintly hear Billy holding my father back.

"Give her time," He whispered. "Save the third degree for later."

I had never been more grateful to have Billy in my life, more than I did at that moment.

When I entered the kitchen the conversation picked up once more in the living room, though this time more subdued. I couldn't help but feel a bit awkward and hurt. But I had no right to, did I? After all I was the one who had left.

I sat at the kitchen table and watched as Emily whisked about the kitchen, pulling different things together to prepare me a dinner. It was then that I noticed the small discreet bump upon her stomach.

"Congratulations," I whispered.

Emily paused in her reach for a plate from the top shelf.

"Thanks," She smiled and grabbed the plate.

"How far?"

"Five months." She beamed brightly, her skin glowing under the lights.

I smiled. She returned to my dinner, moving quicker now. Before I knew it there was a plate of steaming chicken with green beans and mashed potatoes before me.

"Leftovers," She laughed as she sat down across from me. "Who would have thought you'd ever hear that coming from me?"

I laughed along with her and greedily dug in.

We sat in silence as I ate my dinner. Emily sipped on a cup of coffee occasionally smiling at me when I looked up at her. I was thankful for the silence and being spared the questions that I knew were right on the horizon. When I finished she quickly stood and reached for my plate.

"No it's ok," I said grabbing it before she could. "It's the least I could do."

Emily smiled and sat back down. She returned to sipping her coffee as I walked into the kitchen. The small room was still the same, though the refrigerator looked oddly new. I rinsed my plate off and stuck it in the dishwasher, another thing that was new. I returned to my seat across from Emily. Somewhere in the time that I was putting my dish away Emily had managed to whip up another cup of coffee for me.

I sat down and thanked her for the coffee, sipping on it quickly. The contents of the mug warmed me and brought a feeling of calmness over me. Although I was in a home full of overly warm werewolves, I still managed to be cold.

"How are you?" Emily said. She looked at me over the top of her cup, her eyebrows arched.

"I'm, I'm doing ok." I replied.

"Just ok?"

I nodded my head and twitted my fingers against the cup. I had never been uncomfortable with Emily, not like I was now.

"You gave everyone quite a scare," She stated.

I nodded my head and breathed deep. If I was going to get the third degree from someone I would rather have it be Emily than Charlie, or worse Jake.

I shuddered at the thought.

"Yeah, sorry about that." I looked to her with apologetic eyes. Emily shrugged.

"I'm not the one you should be apologizing to."

The statement was so bold. I dropped my eyes to the table, my shoulders hunching forward.

"I'm sorry Bella-"

"No, no you're right," I looked up at Emily. 'You're absolutely right."

Emily's eye shone with regret but she nodded once more.

"I just…I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do right now,"

"Leave." A cold voice spoke from the entrance of the kitchen.

I turned and found myself staring into the hard eyes of a young woman I did not know. She leaned against the door frame her arms crossed over her chest.

She was small, tiny; my size, though she looked nothing like me. Her skin was a deep tanned russet, clearly she was a Quileute. Not only was she that, but she was gorgeous; painfully gorgeous. Her skin was blemish free, her hair long and shiny; perfect. She was a mini version of Emily, one without the scar, one who had everything to gain with a face like hers.

I had no idea who she was, but clearly she knew me.

"Excuse me?"

"You said you didn't know what to do," she shrugged her shoulders. "So leave."

I was dumbfounded. Who did this girl think she was?

"Lana," Emily scolded her, her eyes dangerous and warning.

"I'm sorry, but do I know you?" I asked her.

"No," Her tone was so matter of fact. "But you should."

I raised my eyebrows at her.

'I'm Jake's-"

"Lana stop."

Emily was standing now, her hands held tightly in fists at her side. Her eyes were wild with anger, her chest heaving.

The girl, Lana, rolled her eyes.

"Stop this right now."

"Why?" She hissed. "Might as well tell her now."

I looked to Emily. What was she talking about?

"No." Emily's voice was demanding, defiant.

"But I guess I really should be thanking her instead," her voice was biting and smug.

"I, I don't understand." I looked back and forth between the two. Emily shook her head, her eyes now sad and remorseful.

"Well its obvious isn't it?" Lana trained her gaze back on me. "If you hadn't left all those years ago," She paused for what I assumed was a dramatic affect. "Well let's just say Jacob would have never finally settled."

My heart heaved, I choked on bile.

_Jacob, mine but not mine._

_Older. Settled. _

_He chose. _

I understood and she was right, I should have known. She was beautiful, she was young; she was a Quielte.

"_I'm Jake's-"_

There really had been no need for Emily to cut her off there; those two words had said it all. I should have known.

She was his imprint, she was his.

And Jake, Jake was _hers_.

I gasped for air and clutched my mug too tightly. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't think; I couldn't see.

"Lana leave, now." Emily hissed at her.

Her hands were on my back rubbing and patting, trying to reassure me. But nothing could, nothing would. I was too late.

_So much, older. _

I could no longer feel the cold presence of the woman I now hated. She had most likely run back into the living room, back into the arms of Jacob.

My stomach heaved and I almost puked.

"Bella you're ok," Emily whispered. "You're going to be ok."

I shook my head no, crying, the coffee mug still clutched in my hands.

"Jake," I cried softly falling forward onto the table. "I want-" I couldn't finish.

"I can't Bella," Emily cried gathering me into her arms. "Bella he can't"

I tore myself from her arms and screamed, hurling the coffee mug against the wall. It shattered on impact, the sound loud and sharp.

I dropped to the ground in a heap of sobs. Muffled voices filled my ears as I sobbed on the floor of his kitchen, unmoving.

"Get her out of here," Emily hissed to someone.

"It's Jacob's home, I can't" Sam's voice was full of regret.

"Get. Her. Out. Now." She said once more. "I want everyone out"

For a minute there I thought Emily was speaking of me, until I heard the unmistakable shuffle of everyone in the living room leaving. I remained where I was.

I could faintly here Charlie arguing with Billy, but his voice quickly faded away too.

Emily returned to my side and placed my head in her lap. She stroked my hair, attempting to soothe me. Her hands were smooth and comforting; familiar. Another rush of pain washed over me.

In another time, another place the hands would have belonged to someone else.

I would have belonged to someone else.

He would have belonged to _me_.

******

I woke up two hours later in my own bed…I was not alone.

Jacob was sitting on the end of my bed, his head in his hands. It took me a moment to see but I did, he was crying.

I sat up slowly, the blankets falling away from my body; I was still dressed in what I had been wearing when I arrived. A chill swept through the room, the curtains of my open window billowing.

I turned back to Jacob; he remained in the same position. I wasn't sure if I was supposed to say something, I didn't know what to do. I only knew what I wanted to do; and now, well it just wasn't acceptable anymore.

I pulled my knees to my chest and shivered.

"Why?" he whispered.

I jumped at the sound of his voice, my arms falling away from my legs.

Jacob looked up at me, his eyes red and puffy. I had never seen him like this; I had never seen him cry. In the days when we were younger it was always controlled anger or subdued faces. A calmness and tranquility that only came with practice.

"Why, did you come back?" His voice was suddenly harsh and cold.

A wave of nausea passed over me.

"I-I missed you," I fumbled with my answer, my voice shaking giving me away.

"You missed me?" he snorted his question. His words dripping with disbelief and twisted humor.

I folded my hands in my lap attempting to put an end to the shaking. And once more I couldn't bear to look at him.

"Jake, I-" I reached for his hand.

"Why couldn't you just stay away?"

My hand hung in the space between us, reaching but not yet attaining. Then involuntarily my fingers curled in on themselves and shrunk back into my body, retreating under the covers, taking solace there away from his harsh glare.

"Why, did you have to come back and ruin everything?"

_A rip and a tear._

_Bleeding, bleeding, bleeding. _

_Mine, not mine. _

I've never really been good with rejection.

**A/N: Don't forget to review!!! Hope you liked it!**


	3. Looking Up

**A/N: Well hello readers! First I just wanted to thank you all so much for reading and reviewing. Your thoughts and encouragement has helped me out in so many ways. So sorry that this chapter took a while to get out to you. I was busy working on the next chapter as well. I'm trying to be one step ahead so that I can limit the time that you lovely readers have to wait, to read. I also wanted to clear up a few things that I guess I should have mentioned already. **

**This takes place after Breaking Dawn, minus the whole Renesme(sp?) and Bella changing crap. Clearly she's still human**

**I know I should have mentioned it earlier but I'll do it now, Bella is 22 years old, Jacob is 20. **

**This entire fic was born from one song that I just could not get out of my head. I think it fits Bella and Jacob very well. It's called "Closer" by Kings of Leon. **

**That's really all I have to say. Um, I've worked a bit on this chapter and still I'm not entirely sure that I'm ecstatic with it. But hopefully you like it! Once again thanks for reading. Now on with the next chapter….Happy reading!**

**Disclaimer: The wonderful Stephenie Meyer owns everything…except my plot, oh and Lana too. **

******

"_Think of me, when you're out _

_When you're out there. _

_I'll beg you nice from my knees._

_And when the world treats you way too fairly_

_Well it's a shame I'm a dream" _

_-Paramore_

**Chapter 3**

**Looking Up**

Two weeks. 14 days. 336 hours. 20,160 minutes. 1,209,600 seconds.

Since I've seen him, talked to him, or heard from him. But who's counting?

To say that he was avoiding me would be an understatement. I knew when I wasn't wanted.

"_Why couldn't you just stay away?"_

His words still rang in my ears, followed me wherever I went; haunting me as I slept.

After he had dealt me that heavy blow Jacob stole away into the night, leaping out of my bedroom window. I had rushed after him, calling his name out softly into the night, begging him, pleading with him to stay. What I saw stopped my blood cold.

His car was parked outside.

He drove. He didn't run.

It had finally all become clear.

Jacob had stopped phasing. He had stopped for _her_.

The clarity of it all had crushed me, smashed me to pieces.

After that night I had tried my best to return to my normal routine; the one I had left behind all those years ago. I found a job at the local diner in town, working as a waitress. I busied myself there, trying to keep my mind off of Jacob and his absence in my life. I had been able to do it before; I could do it again.

A loud crash filled my ears.

"Jesus Christ!"

Ok maybe I couldn't do it again.

I reached down and grabbed the towel that was attached to my apron, and began to mop up what liquid I could that I had just spilled all over my current customer. It was my fifth spill that day.

"I'm so, so sorry!" I cried, feebly trying to remove the puddle of liquid from his table.

It was useless though. The liquid was too fast, or I was too slow; I couldn't really tell these days. The small puddle had now made its way towards two edges of the table, growing as it moved. Before I knew it, the liquid spilled over onto the floor at my feet, and once more into the old gentleman's lap that I was serving. He now officially looked as if he had wet his pants.

_Maybe people will chalk it up to old age._

Who was I kidding? I had embarrassed this man, and more importantly myself. In my hasty attempt to rid of the mess I glanced over behind the counter and spotted my boss, Yolanda shaking her head at me.

"I'm sorry," I mouthed.

She smiled slightly and shrugged her shoulders.

"We'll talk about it later." She mouthed back.

I've known Yolanda my entire life. Back when I lived in Forks, in a time when Renee and Charlie were married we had a family tradition of eating out at the Eagle Diner on Wednesday nights.

Renee would order the Chicken Caesar Salad and a glass of water, with lemon. Charlie would get the Ultimate Burger, complete with lettuce, tomatoes, pickles, mustard, ketchup, mayo, and bacon. Just thinking about it still brought a queasy feeling to my stomach. And me, well I would get something off the kid's meal, always. Chicken Fingers with fries and a chocolate milkshake; it was my regular.

Then after we had all stuffed our faces full, we would order one large blueberry cobbler to share. We would pat our stomachs in satisfaction as we waited for it, telling each other how hungry we were for it. But in the end, Yolanda would pack it up in a to-go container, always.

Yolanda was in fact my God Mother, but not a fully declared God Mother; but that's what Charlie referred to her as, so I did too. She was always taking care of me anyways, in the times when my Charlie was working late or Renee hadn't quite made it home from school; stuck in board meetings and parent-teacher conferences.

Yolanda wasn't just my God Mother or just my babysitter. She was the one person who was solely responsible for introducing me to the one boy that I would love for the rest of my life.

Contrary to popular belief Jacob and I had not met due to the simple fact that our fathers' were best friends. It was all thanks to Yolanda.

I was eight when I met him. Yolanda was watching me on a Thursday night, at the Diner. Charlie was working late and Renee was stuck in a meeting. It wasn't out of the norm for Yolanda to watch me while working the diner; sometimes they were short on staff, other times Yolanda just liked being there and she knew that I didn't mind.

I was sitting in my usual corner booth, working on a picture for Charlie to hang on the fridge when Yolanda told me she had to make a delivery run; something that the Diner had been doing up until a few months ago I found out.

She asked me if I wanted to tag along, or I could stay and the cook, Jonnie, would watch me while she was gone. I told her I would tag along. It wasn't that I didn't like Jonnie, I just preferred to stick with Yolanda; she was the closest thing I had to a best friend.

So Jonnie loaded up the trunk of her mini-van with boxes upon boxes of fried food, I hopped into the backseat, and we were off.

It took a good twenty minutes to get to La Push and then another fifteen to our destination. When we pulled up the first thing I saw was a little boy playing out on the front porch of a tiny house. He looked tall but younger than me. His hair was jet black and his eyes a warm brown, he was cute – well as cute as any boy could be at my age.

"Bella!" A voice stirred me from my reminiscent thoughts.

I looked up to find Yolanda wagging a finger at me, calling me back to the kitchen. I guess she wanted to have the talk now.

I apologized once more for my clumsiness and grabbed the coke covered towel and walked quickly towards Yolanda.

I walked with my head hanging low, a blush already creeping its way to my cheeks.

"Hey," I mumbled, staring at the ground.

"Bella," She placed her hands on her hips. "Honey,"

"I know, I know, I'm sorry!" I cried looking at her with pleading eyes. "I'm so sorry!"

I was on the verge of tears. I had been such a mess since the night Jacob had left me alone in my room. I couldn't handle it anymore, I was losing it.

_Older, so much older. _

I circled my arms around my waist taking deep breaths.

"C'mon honey," She wrapped an arm around my shoulders and pulled me into the kitchen, taking me out back.

She walked me through the back doors and I was suddenly met with a burst of fresh air. I breathed in deeply and attempted to calm myself.

I sat on one of the many crates out back, shivering in the flimsy skirt I had to wear. In all the years that Yolanda had run the Diner she had refused to change the uniforms. Leaving the girls in silly tight one piece dresses straight out of the 50's era.

"It's classic," She always said. "Plus it helps with tips,"

I always hated to admit it but she was right. The girls working at the diner always received more tips then the boys dressed in pants and dress shirts.

I shivered once more and pulled my arms tighter to my body; it was unusually cold for it only being March. The cold air didn't really help with my thoughts or feelings. It only made me miss Jacob more. If he were still speaking to me, he would be here to warm me; to take care of me.

A tear escaped my eye. Yolanda lit up a cigarette and took a seat on the closest crate to me.

For her age, 54, Yolanda was still looking pretty good. She was tall and lanky, runway model materiel Jonnie had always said. Her dark brown hair still fell in waves around her face, her skin still blemish free although now graced with a few wrinkles form oncoming old age. But still she was beautiful, still the same woman I always wanted to be.

For a moment I entertained the thought of what Yolanda would do in my situation. What she _would_ have done back when I was nineteen and naïve.

Would she have left? Would she have stayed? Would she have chosen Jacob or Edward?

Yolanda took a long drag, staring me dead on in the eyes. I shivered; she blew out a puff of smoke.

"So, are you going to tell me what's going on?"

I looked down at the ground, "I don't want to talk about it, it's nothing"

She raised an eyebrow at me.

"It doesn't seem like nothing,"

"Well, it is nothing."

"Honey, I've never seen you drop so many times in my life," She leaned towards me, concern filling her eyes. "Something's wrong, and we're going to talk about it."

I turned away from her. "Well I don't want to."

"You're going to have to sooner or later," She folded her arms across her chest, and took another hit.

"Not if I have any say in it," I mumbled and crossed my arms tighter across my chest.

A split second of silence fell over us.

"Would this have anything to do with Jacob?"

My head shot up. How could she possibly know?

"Yeah, I know a few things."

I was shocked beyond belief.

"Wait, so…so you know that he's-" I stuttered.

"Finally settled down with another girl?" She raised a brow. "Yeah I know."

Relief washed over me.

So she didn't know that Jacob was a werewolf, born to protect his tribe and one day take his place as Chief. She didn't know of bloodthirsty vampires and beautiful golden eyes. She had no idea of soul mates or imprinting, nothing of sirens or lions and lambs.

"That's what you were going to say right?" She fixed me with a curious stare.

"Yeah, yeah that."

"Well you can't really blame him can you?"

"Ugh, not you too," I moaned.

I was really getting tired of people acting like this was all, my fault, like I was the only one in the wrong. Jacob wasn't the only one who was hurting.

"Well what did you expect Bella?" she raised her hands in the air. "You disappeared for three years."

"I had my reasons," I retaliated.

"Yes, well you didn't bother sharing those reasons with anyone else did you?"

"It was no one else's business!" I cried. I was growing agitated.

"Of course it was!" She yelled back. "What about your father?"

"Charlie understood, he _understands_." I stood up from the crate. "And you seem to be the only one who doesn't! The only one, who just won't, _let it go_!"

Yolanda jumped up from her crate and planted herself right in front of me.

"Well why don't you enlighten me Isabella Swan," She hissed. "Since you seemed to be too busy to even give me a heads up let alone even tell me that you were leaving."

Yolanda choked on her words.

My face fell at the sight of tears in her eyes.

"Oh Landie," I said, using the name I had given her when I was a child.

I moved forward and wrapped my arms around her as she began to cry.

I should have known what the affects would be when I left. I should have been more selfless, I should have realized how much my leaving would hurt people. I couldn't blame her for her anger.

When I had returned two weeks ago she took me in with open arms, no questions asked. She rehired me in my old position and never said a word. I knew that I owed her an explanation…I owed everyone an explanation.

"I'm so sorry," I mumbled into her shoulder. "I should have called I should have wrote or something."

Yolanda pulled away from me and wiped at her tears.

"Yes you should have, but it's a bit late for that." She shot me a smile and I knew that everything was going to be alright. "I'm just glad you're back kid, and you're safe."

"Yeah," I laughed. "Surprisingly enough I made it back in one piece."

Yolanda laughed and rubbed at her arms, attempting to warm herself.

"Where did you go Bella," Her light tone was gone, replaced with a more serious one, weighed down with concern and confusion.

I looked out at the forest behind the diner and closed my eyes; and suddenly I was in another place in another time.

_It'll be as if I never existed_.

I opened my eyes and looked to Yolanda.

"I went after Edward," I whispered. "Again"

******

Yolanda and I had sat out back for a good hour before we returned to our duties in the diner. In that hour, I explained my story to her. I told her of my travels and my desperate attempt at getting Edward to come back to me for a _second time_. I told her how it was more of a spiritual journey than anything. I had found myself and I have found something else.

"Bella, listen" She had paused at the end of my story, trying to gather her bearings. "I'm not quite sure what happened in your life when you left-"

"What do you mean?" I asked. "I just told you."

Yolanda shook her head, "No, I feel like there's more that you're not telling me,"

I opened my mouth to object but she cut me off.

"I'm not saying it's a bad thing though," She explained. "For some reason I feel like it's for my best interest." I smiled inwardly at this. "But what I'm saying is that whatever happened I think…I think it was for the best."

I nodded my head in agreement.

"You're different now," She continued. "But it's a good different."

And she had been right. I was different. I had realized what and more importantly who I needed in my life.

He just hadn't figured it out yet.

My heart clenched at the thought, my hands wobbled, shaking the plates in my hands.

"Whoa there Bella," Yolanda called from behind the counter.

I turned and smiled at her and regained my composure.

You can do this Bella, I thought to myself.

The soft ring of the bell above the Diner Door rang. The look on Yolanda's face was all the convincing I needed to not turn around in my spot. I could already feel the rise in temperature.

I turned my head slightly and my heart hitched.

Jacob was here…and so was Lana.

I attempted to put on a brave face, but it was useless.

Jacob stopped in his tracks at the sight of me, standing frail and alone, in the middle of the diner; shaking from head to toe. He looked down at Lana, and then quickly back at me. I choked at the sight of their hands, their entwined fingers.

That had been me once.

To my surprise he dropped her hand quickly, shoving it in his pocket, earning himself a cold glare from Lana; earning me a death stare.

It was so unusual to me to see him in a setting like this, dressed in pants and a shirt none the less. Where had the big, hot (literally), confident Jacob gone? The one who didn't care what others thought; he one who preferred to walk around half naked.

_He's gone now, Bella_. My conscious whispered to me. _He's Lana's now._

I dipped my head towards the ground and turned my back on him and walked away.

"C'mon Lana," I heard him say. "We can eat somewhere else,"

His words crushed me. God, he couldn't even stand to be around me anymore.

I continued on, keeping my head low. Out of the corner of my eye I could see Yolanda watching me warily. I offered her a reassuring smile, she didn't accept it.

"No," My heart jumped. "I want to eat here."

Lana was going to be my undoing.

******

"Hi, welcome to Yannie's Diner," I mumbled. "My name's Bella and I will be your waitress today. Can I start you off with some drinks?"

I stared straight ahead as I said this. I refused to meet his eyes.

"I'd like water," Lana spoke into her menu.

"One water," I wrote on my notepad.

_I hope you drown in it. _

Jacob said nothing. I chanced a glance at him.

He sat with his back rigid straight against the booth seat, his hands clenched tightly into fists on the tabletop.

"Jacob," Lana cooed, reaching forward and caressing his hand lightly. "What do you want to drink?" I blanched at the notice of him physically relaxing. I could feel the beginning of a lump rising in my throat; I looked away.

"Lemonade," He mumbled. "With a-"

"Strawberry twist,"

I hadn't realized what I'd done till Lana hissed slightly under her Breath.

Heat immediately rose to my cheeks, I was sure that I looked as red as a tomato. I shouldn't have finished his sentence; I wasn't allowed to do that anymore. I looked at Jacob, his eyes wide in surprise, yet a knowing smile dancing on the corner of his lips.

"Sure, sure" he breathed. "Strawberry twist,"

I struggled to hide the smile from forming on my lips but I begged that it shone in my eyes. I looked to Lana who was fuming slightly, her arms crossed tightly at her chest.

"Right," I nodded. "One water and one lemonade with a strawberry twist." I couldn't help but let a smile break across my face as I turned and walked away. Maybe there was hope for me yet.

I couldn't have been more wrong.

The rest of the evening was hell for me. Lana managed to find a way to complain about everything that I did; pointing out everything that was wrong.

One minute her burger was too pink, the next too burnt. Then her fries were too cold, the next too crunchy. She complained about the way I served, the way I walked, the way I spoke; and the entire time Jacob sat there, he didn't say a word.

After everything we'd been through I at least expected him to stick up for me; whether Lana was his imprint or not.

I had pleaded with him on countless times with my eyes, begging him to see my misery, my pain. He always looked away, ignoring me.

When I had finally given them their check and they were on they're way I was practically in tears.

"You alright sweetie?" Yolanda walked up and stood beside me as I cleaned off the table.

"Yeah," I sniffed and blinked back tears. "I'm fine."

She placed a hand on my shoulder and squeezed it.

"I mean, it could have been worse right?" I looked at her with hopeful eyes.

"Well you could look at it that way," She stated. "Things will start looking up soon, I promise."

I nodded in hopeful agreement. Yolanda squeezed my shoulder one last time and went off to help another booth full of customers. I threw down my towel onto the table and finished clearing it. Jacob and Lana had been my last table, my shift was finally over.

As I reached forward and scooped up my pathetic two dollar tip, a tiny scrap of paper fluttered to the ground. I bent over to pick it up and almost screamed with delight. I could recognize the handwriting anywhere.

_So sorry Bells._

_Leave your window open tonight, please? _

Yes, things were definitely starting to look up.

******

**A/N: Sooooo, did you like it?!?! Don't forget to review!!**


	4. Not An Option

**A/N: So I realized that I made a mistake in the last chapter. Not a huge one just a typo and I have to say something about it 'cause if I don't it will bother me like no other. In the beginning of the chapter when Bella is speaking of the Diner she works at she refers to it as "The Eagle Diner" I then realized that later on I called it Yannie's Diner. It is in fact Yannie's Diner. I changed it at the last minute and forgot to go back and fix it so, sorry if anyone picked up on it and was confused! Ok, now that that's out of the way…**

**Thank you so much for all the reviews and feedback! I realize that this chapter has taken FOREVER to get out to you guys and I apologize from the bottom of my heart. I hit a bit of writers block, which worries me because it's so early in the game. But have faith my dear readers, I am back! Hahaha. I'm actually quite happy with this chapter and I hope you will be too. It's a bit of an emotional chapter and I hope that it answers some questions that you might be having. But I won't lie to you there is still a lot of stuff that I still have to explain, but that will all come into play later. I promise I won't leave a single question unanswered! I just like to leave people guessing, it's fun ;). Well that's all I have to say. Happy reading!**

**Disclaimer: She owns it. **

******

"_My heart is yours,_

_It's you that I hold on to_

_Yeah that's what I do._

_I know I was wrong_

_But I won't let you down_

_Oh yeah I will, yeah I will, yes I will_

_I will"_

_-Coldplay _

**Chapter 4**

**Not An Option**

After work that night, I rushed out to my car, determined to get home as soon as possible. Jacob was coming over; Jacob was actually coming over to my house; like he had done all those years ago.

On my way back I also entertained the thought of my age and what living at home meant. I was 22 years old, surely I should have my own apartment by now. That way Jacob wouldn't have to sneak in through a window, he could simply walk through the front door.

_Who said this was going to be a reoccurring thing?_ My conscious questioned. _Just because he's coming tonight doesn't mean he'll come again. _

But I hoped with everything I had that it did mean he would. I didn't want Jacob to give up on me; I wasn't ready to let him go.

I reached Charlie's within a god twenty minutes. As I raced through the front door I gave Charlie a hasty hello and bolted to my bedroom. I didn't think Charlie would mind my not talking tonight; we had, had so many conversations over the past two weeks that I didn't believe I could take anymore. It was a full 14 days of heart to heart's with Charlie. It was scary and unfamiliar; and I'm pretty sure we'd both had enough.

"Hey, Bella!" He called from the couch.

Ok, maybe he hadn't had enough.

I stopped at the top of the stairs. "Yeah, dad?"

"I have to work the graveyard shift tonight," He said, his voice annoyed and tired.

"Um, ok." I wasn't quite sure why he was telling me this.

"Well I just wanted to tell you in case you woke up in the middle of the night and I was gone," he mumbled. "I wouldn't want you to _worry_."

I squeezed my eyes tightly shut. He was never going to let this go.

"Ok, thanks Dad."

I heard him mumble a 'your welcome' and return to his fishing program. I waited for him to say something else; anything. When he didn't I continued on my way.

When I reached my bedroom I shut the door quietly, locking it behind me. I threw my backpack down on my bed and was suddenly hit with the reality of what was going on.

Jacob was coming over. My Jacob was coming to my house.

At the current moment my window was shut and locked; I still wasn't quite ready. My clothes were strewn across the room haphazardly; I was still living out of my suitcase. On my time away my bedroom hadn't changed once. I think Charlie left it how it was because he was too afraid to change anything, in case I did come back.

My heart clenched at the thought. I couldn't even imagine the pain he had felt while I was gone; the worry.

_Not the issue right now_, my conscious screamed. _Jacob is coming over! _

I immediately got back to work and cleaned up what I could. When I finished I placed my hands on my hips satisfied. That's when I realized I was still dressed in my work clothes.

I quickly ripped my clothes off, but was suddenly unsure of what to wear. I hadn't been alone with Jacob in my bedroom for so long. Three years ago when he had frequently visited me I had always been in my usual pair of sweats and a baggy t-shirt; but for some reason tonight felt different.

I walked to my suitcase and rifled through my belongings. I came across a certain outfit that I had purchased on my time away but had never dared wear. It was a tiny pair of black boy shorts, that hugged my butt firmly and a matching tank top that hugged my body just as snuggly.

There was no reason why I couldn't wear it. I mean it's been three years; my sleepwear had every right to change in that amount of time.

I slipped into my newly revamped (a/n: haha, vamped) outfit, leaving on my bra. As much as I didn't want to admit, I wanted to look good for Jacob. I wanted him to see exactly what he was missing.

I wanted him to _want_ me.

I cautiously walked over to my window, ruffling my hair as I went. It couldn't hurt to add a little sexy 'bed head' hair to complete my new look. I paused in front of the window and breathed deeply. I was really going to do this, this was really about to happen.

I pulled the curtains aside. I unlocked my window and opened it.

My body was instantly hit with a chilling breeze, sending Goosebumps flying across my skin. I hugged my arms to my body and breathed in.

_Alright Bella, you can do this_.

I turned away from the window and sat down on my bed and I waited.

I fell asleep.

When I woke from my slumber I was instantly hit with the feeling of dread and grief. He had stood me up. Jacob was no where to be seen.

I looked to my window and saw that it was closed. Confusion swept over me; I knew that I had left it open.

"Oh, no" I whispered and quickly jumped up. As I moved to re-open the window I noticed a note sitting on my nightstand.

_Bella,_

_Came up to say goodnight but you were sound asleep. I'm heading out for my night shift; I'll see you bright and early tomorrow. _

_Love you,_

_Charlie_

_p.s. you looked cold so I closed the window…try wearing something more weather appropriate next time. _

"Shit," I yelled throwing the note onto the ground. "Shit, shit, shit!"

I raced to the window unlocking it quickly, practically ripping the latch off. I could feel the tears in my eyes.

"No, no, no!" I cried as I attempted to push the window open; it wouldn't budge. "Please," I begged. "Please open."

This was all going wrong, so wrong. This may have been my one chance to win Jacob over, to win him back. I needed to talk to him, so desperately.

_Leave your window open, please?_

I couldn't even think what my closed and locked window would have looked like to him. I didn't want to imagine the look on his face.

"Bella," a voice spoke from behind me.

I shrieked and spun on my heel and flew a hand to my mouth. Jacob was there in the doorway of my bedroom.

"Jake? How did you-" I stammered, looking back and forth between him and the window. "What?"

"Charlie locked the window," he shrugged. "I used the front door."

"Oh," I said; he nodded. I quickly wiped at my eyes, getting rid of the tears.

We stood in silence, staring at one another. Jacob's face was contorted in what looked like extreme hunger and pain. It wasn't until a few minutes into our staring contest that I realized why.

My eyes shifted down to my current outfit and back to Jacob's face. His eyes roved over me dangerously slow. His chest seemed to be heaving, his hands clenched tightly at his sides; he was trying to keep himself in check. I smirked a little at this thought.

"So," I said. "You want to sit down?" I gestured to my bed.

Jacob raised a brow and crossed his arms over his chest.

I sat down, "What?"

"I really don't think that would be a good idea right now."

"Oh, ok." I crossed my arms over my chest suddenly feeling extremely self conscious.

"I told you not to do that," His voice was cold once more.

I looked down at my arms and quickly uncrossed them.

"It's not like that – I didn't mean"

"I know," he cut me off. "Just…just don't do it ok?"

I nodded my head and smiled at him, my Jacob was back. Once again we were bathed in silence.

"Listen Bella," I held my breath. "I just wanted to apologize for earlier, at the diner."

"No big deal," I shrugged.

"No it is," he seemed agitated. "Lana shouldn't – I should have,"

"It's ok Jake," I cut him off this time. "I understand,"

I folded my arms again out of habit. He didn't say anything this time.

"Do you?" He moved closer to me.

"Well yeah," I replied shrugging. "She's your girlfriend; of course she's going to be on the defense when it comes to me."

"She's more than my girlfriend Bella," he stated in an almost solemn voice.

"What?" I pretended not to hear. I didn't want the confirmation.

"I said she's more than that."

I looked away from him.

"Sure, sure," I mumbled. "I knew that."

I felt my bed shift underneath me and looked up. Jacob was sitting on the end of my bed again, though this time he wasn't crying.

_Why did you have to come back and ruin everything?_

My heart thudded rapidly and my heart squeezed tightly in my chest. I could already taste the salt of my tears though they had not fallen yet.

"When?" I whispered.

"Four days after you left," He replied.

Just four days. Maybe it was a good thing that I had left.

"Oh, well that's nice."

"Bella don't do this please." He pleaded looking up at me. His eyes were filled with grief and anger.

"Do what?"

"Make me feel guiltier than I already do!" He raised his voice slightly.

"Jake I'm not trying to guilt trip you,"

"I know, I know, it's just why-"

"Did I come back and ruin everything?" I couldn't help but let the words slip.

Jake coiled away from me, his expression quickly darkening.

"No, why did you leave?"

My breath fell short and I looked away again. How could I explain to him that I had gone after Edward again? How could I explain that I had abandoned him so that I could chase after the one man who didn't want me anymore?

"I-I had to,"

"No you didn't."

"I had no choice," My voice broke.

"Bullshit." He hissed. "You always had a choice."

_Had. Past tense. Had_.

"It wouldn't have worked," The tears were spilling now.

"You don't know that,"

"You imprinted, four days later Jake," I stated. "It wouldn't have worked."

"You don't know that." He said again.

"Jake you're with another girl!" I cried.

"Because you left!" he retaliated.

"I had to!"

"Why Bella?" he questioned angrily. "What was so God damn important to you that you needed to leave, again?"

"You know…I…Edward," I gasped out.

"Edward didn't want you!" I inhaled sharply.

Suddenly I couldn't breathe. Our conversation had done a complete 180, this wasn't what I wanted; this wasn't supposed to happen.

"He. Didn't. Want. You." He hissed.

"You don't know what you're talking about." I hissed, moving away from him.

"He left you," He moved forward on the bed.

He was right; yet I still felt the need to defend Edward, his honor and grace; I was making myself sick.

"Stop,"

"Again," He was right in front of me now, his breath hot on my face, his dark eyes burning into the side of my face. "He left you again."

"You don't know what-"

"He didn't love you."

"Shut up!" I roared in his face, pushing away his outreached hands. I moved quickly across my bed trying to escape him.

"He doesn't love you!" He screamed latching his hands onto my arms, grabbing me tightly, pulling me closely to him. "Yet you still defend him!"

"Let go!" I screamed.

"Not until you listen to me!" He shook me.

"Why are you doing this?" I cried.

"Because I loved you!" he screamed, shaking me once more. "I loved you, not Edward, not anyone else, _me_!" Tears began streaming from his eyes. "I'm the one who loved you the whole time and you left!"

"Jake, please" I whimpered. His grip on me was vice like, bruising my arms.

"I stood by you, I was there for you when he left you the first time," he hissed in my face. "I put you back together; I picked up the pieces, not him, _me_." I whimpered under his hard glare. "And none of it mattered to you, none of it _matters_. You left." He released his hold on me and I dropped to the bed in a heap of shock.

Jacob removed himself from my bed and stood away from me, his chest heaving in anger.

"Loved," I whispered.

"What?"

"You said loved…past tense." The truth in it hit me like a ton of bricks. My world was collapsing in on itself.

"Well, you lov_ed_ me and I lov_ed_ you." His voice was cold and unforgiving. "Now we're even."

"No, no Jake, I love you!" I cried moving towards him, though this time he was the one to back away.

"You don't mean that,"

"I do! God Jake I mean it so much!" I hurled myself at him, grabbing at his hands, pulling him to me; he resisted. "I love _you_."

"You love Edward." My body shivered at his name.

"No, Christ would you just listen to me!" I screamed, beating him across the chest. "Just fucking listen to me, for once!"

"I can't do that."

"Why, Jake?" I hit him once more. "Why won't you talk to me?!"

"We're talking right now!"

"No, we're fighting, dancing around the subject!" I retaliate. "Why, won't you just tell me how you feel?!"

"Because, you were supposed to be mine!" He cried, his voice breaking on his words. His shoulders suddenly shuttered and he collapsed onto my bed, sobbing once more.

My jaw quivered and I fell onto my bed next to him.

"You were supposed to be mine," he sobbed into his hands. "I wasn't supposed to im…she's not supposed to be mine."

He couldn't even bring himself to say it; I couldn't bring myself to hear it.

I grabbed his hand and pulled him to me, wrapping my small arms around his large frame, burying my face into his neck. He cried into my chest, letting out all of his grief, his pain and relief at my return. He clutched at my thighs tightly, the heat of his skin burning my body; though it felt a few degrees colder than what I remembered. It broke my heart.

"I still love you," He struggled through his tears. "I'll always love you."

My heart soared then plummeted.

"Lana,"

I felt his shoulders shudder as he took a deep breath. Jacob sat up to face me, and the look on his face tore straight through me. His eyes were red and swollen, his face streaked with tears.

I cupped his face in my hands. He leaned into me and pressed his lips lightly to mine.

The kiss was gentle, his lips soft and full against mine. It was everything I had wanted from him yet everything I hated. This kiss was not a new beginning; this was an end.

"It's not fair," I whispered against his lips when he pulled away. I could feel the wetness of my tears on them, as they spilled over from my eyes. "Jake this isn't fair."

He gently pulled my hands from his face. A racking sob tore through my body as he placed them to his chest, in the place above his heart, pressing them tightly to his chest.

"This," He pressed my hands tighter. "My heart is yours."

He was choking on sobs as he spoke, his fingers pressing in between the spaces of mine.

"It's always been yours." He leaned his forehead to mine, our tears intermixing together as they fell upon our hands, interlocked above his heart. "It will always be yours."

He pressed a soft kiss to my forehead.

"Remember that, please?"

He was gone before I had the chance to answer.

******

He loves me. Jacob still loves me.

The truth of it was enough to make me scream with joy; yet it was more than enough to break me, completely.

It's been two days since the night he confessed his undying love for me; yet it had not helped me in the least bit.

_My heart is yours._

But he's with Lana. He imprinted on Lana.  
Jacob loves me, but he's with Lana.

I was really starting to hate Lana. The girl has everything I want, everything that I need in my life; and she didn't even have to work for it. She just had to be seen by Jacob. He just had to take one look at her and BAM! She was instantly his. The cruelty and unfairness of it all boiled my blood.

"Jacob loves me, I love Jacob. We're supposed to be together."

"Well that's quite a different tune then what I'm used to hearing," A gruff voice spoke from behind me.

I jumped instantly and dropped the large _clean_ bowl I was washing onto the _dirty_ kitchen floor. I cringed as it clattered loudly. Why was everyone sneaking up on me?

"Dad," I groaned, holding my hands to my chest. "Don't scare me like that,"

"Sorry Bells," he mumbled and bent over to pick it up. "I was just curious as to what you were talking to yourself about."

"Yes, well now you know." I took the bowl form him and dumped it back into the soapy water.

Silence fell over us but I could still feel his presence. I peeked over my shoulder and found him shifting uncomfortably back and forth on his feet. His face was contorted in pain as he seemed to be having an internal battle with himself.

"You alright?" I asked, turning away from him again.

"Yeah, yeah I'm fine." He walked to the fridge and yanked the door open, pulling out a beer.

"It's a bit early don't you think?" I asked as he popped the cap off with his teeth.

"It's noon," he grumbled back. "If you ask me it's a bit late,"

I snorted and returned to scrubbing the dishes as he took a seat at the kitchen table. As I busily worked at the dirt dishes Charlie sat and watched sipping on his beer. Hs insistent gaze on me set my nerves on high alert. I could feel a conversation coming on.

"So, you love Jacob?" He questioned.

Yup, a conversation it was.

I paused in my cleaning and took a deep breath. I could admit it to Charlie. I could confess my love for his best friend's son, for my best friend. But what good would it do me? Clearly he supported the relationship between Lana and Jacob; I mean he was there eating dinner with them all those nights ago.

"Yeah," I whispered. "I do."

The hell with it; might as well learn to take chances.

"Well," He mumbled. "It's about time you realized it."

My hands froze in place, my jaw slackening. I turned to look at Charlie and found his gaze staring intently out the window. There was a light blush on his cheeks and I couldn't help but smile. Charlie was on my side.

"Dad?" I questioned.

"Hmm?"

"Do you really mean that?" I whispered, looking down at my feet. I was suddenly very embarrassed. "You really want me to be with Jake?"

"Bella, I've been rooting for you two since you were kids," He admitted. He held his beer can tightly between his hands. No doubt this was extremely difficult for him to admit; considering the fact that Jake was with another girl. One that Charlie clearly liked.

"Oh," was all I could say.

"Yeah," He said. "I just wish you would have figured this out sooner."

I nodded my head in agreement.

"You're telling me." I grumbled. "I'm always too late."

"I don't know about that," My head shot up and my eyes found Charlie's.

Was he serious?

"Don't give me that look," He groaned. "Everyone knows Jake still loves you,"

I couldn't help but smile. Yes, I knew, Jake knew, but there was still one problem.

"What about Lana?"

"She's a nice girl," My father admitted with a shrug of his shoulders. "She's good for Jake," I cringed. "But she's not the _best_ for Jake." I gave Charlie a huge smile. "And I may just be biased because you're my daughter, but I'm pretty sure Billy feels the same way; you've always been like a daughter to him."

"I know," My heart swelled with joy.

"And I may just be reserving my place in hell for saying this but," he paused and looked straight at me. "Don't give up Bella," He said boldly as he stood from his seat. "Giving up has never been an option for you, don't let it be one now."

Without even thinking about it I walked quickly towards Charlie and wrapped my arms tightly around his waist and buried my face into his jacket. He quickly returned the gesture.

"Thanks Dad," I mumbled. "I really needed that."

"Your welcome kid, I just hate to see you like this."

And by this he meant my zombie-like induced state; one that he was all too familiar with; one that we both hated to see.

"I know Dad," I pulled away to look at him. "I promise to get better, really"

He kissed my forehead. "Good."

I let him return his attention to his unfinished beer and I returned to the dishes. We both worked in silence, content with the soundless air.

"Hey Bella, take a look at this," Charlie called from the living room a half an hour later.

I walked into the living room drying my hands on a towel; I had just finished the dishes. I found Charlie sitting on the couch, reading today's paper.

"Yeah dad?"

"Did you see these apartments on sale in the paper today?"

I groaned but couldn't help but smile.

"You trying to kick me out Dad?" I laughed plopping down onto the couch next to him.

"Well, yeah." He stated bluntly.

My jaw dropped, his eyes danced with amusement.

"Jeez Dad, I could have used a little sugar coating there!" I smacked him playfully on the arm.

"I'm sorry Bells, but your 22 and I need a bachelor pad."

I quirked an eyebrow at him, his serious expression didn't falter.

"You're serious?"

"Well yeah, me and Sue Clearwater are getting pretty serious now-"

"Wait what?" I held up a hand to stop him. "You and Sue?"

Charlie shrugged. "Yeah."

"God, does everyone get to be happy but me?"

I was embarrassed. My father was seeing someone, Charlie Swan, my dad. And I didn't even have anyone like that in my life! What had the world come to?

"Bella it's not even like that," Charlie's eyes were remorseful.

"I know dad, I was kidding." He let out a sigh of relief.

"Good," he patted my leg. "Well start looking."

My jaw dropped once more as he dropped the paper on my lap and got up from the sofa; walking towards the door.

"I've got a long shift today so don't wait up tonight!" he called from the front door. "Why don't you call Jake, ask him to go house hunting with you!"

He slammed the door shut before I could scream a reply, his laughter echoing in the halls until I heard the cruiser pulling out of the driveway.

I looked down at the paper and then to the phone.

_Giving up has never been an option for you, don't let it be one now. _

I sure as hell wasn't going to.

******

**A/N: Sooo what did ya think?? Don't forget to review!**

**Pretty please with a cherry on top? Oh and chocolate sprinkles too! =) **


	5. Butterflies Pt1

**A/N: Once again I must apologize for the long wait. I am such a perfectionist when it comes to my writing, as I have said many times before, so it takes a lot for me to put my writing out there like I have been doing. But it helps that you guys have given me nothing but great support and encouragement. Your positive reviews and feedback are what spur me on =) I think I just need to work on my self esteem when it comes to my writing. Haha. I am my own worst critic. **

**This chapter is going to come in two parts. This is part one. I realized that I was neglecting you guys by taking so long to get this out to you. So I will have to distribute it in two parts. I'm working on part two right now and I hope to get that out sooner than I did this one…but I won't make you any promises. My problem is that when I begin to write it's hard for me to find a place to stop. Haha. So I hope the length of this chapter will hold you over for a good amount of time. So thank you for reading and reviewing! **

**So without further ado…happy reading!**

******

"_So I put my hands up  
They're playin my song  
The butterflies fly away  
I'm noddin my head like yeah,  
Movin my hips like yeah,  
I've got my hands up  
They're Playin my song  
I know I'm gonna be ok"_

-Miley Cyrus

**Chapter 5**

Butterflies Pt.1 

_Can't do this. Can't do this. Can't do this. _

My palms were sweaty, my skin clammy as I stood before the phone.

_Come on. Come on. Come on. _

I had been standing there for a good half an hour and I still couldn't buck up the courage to do it. I looked to the clock hanging on the wall; it was 10:00.

"He's probably not awake yet." I said to myself.

_Such a lame excuse._ My conscious grumbled. _Just call him._

Before I knew it the phone was in my hand and it was ringing. I looked around me in disbelief. When had I dialed the number? I felt a steady thrumming in the pit of my stomach; damn butterflies.

I moved to hang the phone up.

"Hello?" A deep voice spoke from the other end, I was too late.

The fluttering in my stomach wilted away, at the sound of the voice.

"H-Hi," I said timidly into the speaker.

"Bella?" They sounded shocked, confused.

"Sorry for calling so early Billy," I mumbled.

"Oh no, it's fine!" He practically shouted. He couldn't even hold in his enthusiasm. Maybe he did want to see me with Jake as badly as Charlie did. "What do ya need?"

"Um, I was just wondering," I paused and took a deep breath. "I was wondering if Jake was there,"

I squeezed my eyes shut and held my breath. A large part of me hoped that he wasn't; the smaller weaker part in me was practically begging for Jake to be standing no more than two feet from his phone.

I heard a heavy sigh on the other end. My heart dropped, I exhaled slowly.

"I'm sorry Bella, he's not." I could hear the remorse in his voice.

"Oh, ok."

"He's working, down at his garage," Billy's voice was hopeful.

"He owns a garage?" I wasn't all that surprised, more proud than anything.

"Yeah, yeah on the Rez." His voice was more than hopeful this time. "You should give him a call there."

"Oh no, I don't think-"

"You got a pen ready Bella?" Billy wasn't going to give this up.

I smiled even though I knew he couldn't see it.

"Sure, sure." I replied picking up the notepad and pen that hung next to the phone. "Shoot."

"Okay its, 3-6-0"

"Uh huh,"

"4-7-5…"

"Yup,"

"3-8-9-2"

"Okay, thanks Billy."

"No problem kid," I could hear the smile in his voice. "Oh and Bella,"

"Yeah?"

"Go get 'em kid." My jaw dropped, the phone clicked.

Charlie and Billy were going to be the death of me.

******

Once again a half an hour later I was still trying to buck up the courage to call Jacob. I mean calling him at La Push was all ready nerve wracking enough; now I had to call him at his job, his garage; that he owned!

_Can't do it. Can't do it. Can't do it. _

I did it anyways.

"Hello," I breathed a sigh of relief at the sound of his voice.

"Hey Jake," I whispered.

"Bella," he breathed my name quietly. I smiled and closed my eyes.

_My heart is yours. _

"Bells is that you?" His voice was hopeful and light.

"Yeah, yeah it's me." I replied. I twirled the phones cord around my fingers, biting my lip.

"How did you get this number?" I cringed. So he didn't want me to call him; I could live with that…I think.

"Billy gave it to me" I mumbled. "Is that ok?"

"Sure, sure it's fine," He said quickly. "It's great in fact."

I smiled. "Cool…well…how are you?"

"I'm okay, you?"

"I'm okay too."

There was silence.

"So, uh what did you need?" He seemed tentative.

"Oh um, I was"

_Come on, spit it out!_

"I was wondering if you were busy today…."

I crossed my fingers and waited for the rejection. I mean what was I doing anyways? So what if he still loved me; he was with Lana, he was required to be with her. He loves her, right?

"No, I'm not busy."

I let out a little shriek, jumping up and down in my place. I twirled round in my spot doing a little jig of victory. It wasn't until I heard the steady chant of my name and laughter that I realized I was still on the phone with him.

"Bella?" he said once more.

I crashed to the ground in a heap of shock, the cord wrapped around my legs. I struggled to pull the phone to my ears.

"Y-yeah Jake?" I struggled to free myself.

"Are you alright?" he spoke through laughter.

"I'm fine," I could feel the heat rise to my cheeks and thanked God that he couldn't see me.

"Ok, well like I was saying; I'm not busy."

"Great, that's great." I continued to struggle with the cord. My breathing was growing heavier.

"You're sure you're ok?" he actually sounded concerned this time.

"Yeah, I'm just a bit," I looked down at my legs. "Tangled up at the moment."

He laughed and it warmed my heart. It was deep and booming, meaningful. I had missed him so much over the years. I cursed myself for leaving him like I had; I had given up the most important thing in my life.

"Well, once you untangle yourself," His voice lowered. "You want to get together."

It must have been the way he said it, 'cause the moment the words left his lips a new kind of heat rose within my body. One of longing and want.

"Y-yeah." I whispered. "What did you have in mind?"

God, I would do anything he wanted.

"Whatever you want Bells,"

_Whatever you want. Whatever I want._

"Well," I whispered. "I'm supposed to go apartment hunting today."

"Finally getting your own place?"

"Yeah-"

"Well it's about time," I wasn't sure if his tone was suggestive or not.

"If I'm not mistaken, you still live with your father."

Ha! Take that!

"Actually I don't,"

Well damn.

"Yeah well anyways," Jacob laughed. "Apparently my home cooking isn't good enough for Charlie anymore." I laughed. "He said he needs his bachelor pad back."

Jake whistled low. "So they're pretty serious?"

"You knew about them?" I yelled into the phone.

"Yeah, yeah."

I let out a disgruntled humph, causing him to laugh again.

"Well, how about I make it up to you for not telling you?"

"Ok…"

"We'll do dinner," I sat upright from the floor, suddenly freed from the cord.

"Really?" I cringed at how pathetically hopeful I sounded.

"Sure, sure." He replied. "After apartment hunting of course."

"You sure Lana won't-"

"See you in a half an hour Bells,"

The phone clicked and I screamed.  
We were back on, so completely back on.

After I finished disentangling myself from the phone cord, I hung it up and breathed a sigh of relief. In a half an hour I was going to be reunited with Jacob. I was hoping it would be just like old times; I didn't want there to be any discomfort between us.

"Oh my God," I whispered out loud. "What am I supposed to wear?"

I raced up the stairs to my bedroom.

It's true that three years ago I wouldn't have cared less what Jacob saw me in. But I was different now, I was a new Bella. I was a girl who wanted to look nice for a boy that she loved. I wanted to impress, turn on, and most importantly, shock the hell out of Jacob when he saw me. Who cared if we were only going out apartment hunting; I could still look my best right?

I rifled through my clothes, throwing pieces of clothing everywhere. I wanted to look good, but I didn't want it to seem like I was trying too hard.

After a good fifteen minutes, some sweat (gross), a few tears, and one ripped pair of jeans (don't know how it happened), I had settled on a pair of black skinny jeans, a green v-neck tee, and my new brown leather jacket. I was going for an earthy appeal; I hoped it wasn't too obvious.

"You look great Bells,"

I screamed and spun around quickly, loosing my footing on one of the many pieces of clothing on my floor. I instinctively threw my hands out in front of me to catch my fall; though instead of the hard ground, they landed upon a hard chest.

"Oh," was all I could muster.

And cue the butterflies.

"You ok," I looked up and found Jacob staring down at me, a smile plastered upon his face, my smile.

"Yeah, yeah I'm fine." He pulled me to my feet. "You just have to stop sneaking up on me like that."

"Sorry," He gave me a sheepish smile. "I'll remember that for next time."

_Next time? There's still hope! _

Once I was on my feet I was able to finally appreciate the fine male specimen that had saved me from a nasty fall; one that he had cause none the less. I gave him an appreciative once over and thought for a split second that maybe I could get used to the new Jacob; I mean he has to get used to the new me.

He was wearing a pair of black jeans that hung dangerously low on his hips. It took all my effort not to blush at the obvious attraction I held towards his physique that was so nicely displayed through his form fitting black tee.

Jacob Black in all black…was very dangerous for me.

I gulped at the sight of his knowing smirk. I smacked his arm.

"Ow! What was that for?" he cried, rubbing his arm. I knew better, I hadn't hurt him one bit.

"For giving me that look," I replied, placing my hands on my hips.

"What look?" he feigned confusion, laughter dancing in his eyes.

I quirked my brow at him.

"What? You see something you like?" He whispered seductively, pulling me close to his body. I gasped at the sudden contact between us.

Jacob ran a hand through my hair, running it straight through and down to rest on my hip.

"Uh…I…um" I stuttered, trying to keep my eyes trained on his eyes, desperately avoiding staring at his lips. And then suddenly he was laughing and I was no longer in his arms.

"Relax Bells," he laughed. "I'm only kidding,"

I breathed, letting out a long breath that I hadn't realized I'd been holding. We were back, he was back; my Jacob.

"Sure, sure" I laughed with him.

Things suddenly seemed awkward. Like we both had so much to say but couldn't find the right words to say it.

"So…" Jacob said, drawing out the word. He shoved his hands into the pockets of his jeans and rocked back and forth on his feet.

"So…" I mimicked him subconsciously.

"You want to get going?" he gestured towards my door.

"Yeah, right, sure." I hurriedly grabbed my purse and car keys, a blush rising to my cheeks.

"Hey, I can drive if you want." He offered.

"No, no it's ok." I replied, a smirk dancing to my face. "I'll drive."

******

"Wooo," Jacob let out a low whistle as we stepped into the garage.

In my time away from Forks Charlie had wrangled some of the boys together from La Push, Jacob being one of them, and had them build a garage. It was where he housed my truck, when I had abandoned it all the years ago. It currently sat out in the backyard, rusting away.

When we had passed it on our way to the garage I could see Jacob visibly tense up. He had rebuilt the engine for me; having not known me all that well back then. To see it rusting in the backyard I knew broke his heart. But I couldn't take it with me when I had left. I couldn't bring myself to carry around such a heavy reminder with me in my desperate attempt to get away.

"So this is the truck's replacement," He said appreciatively. I smiled. "Damn Bells, I taught you well."

The replacement in question was my new Dodge Challenger Srt8. A sleek black, two-door sports car complete with black leather interior and a kick ass paint finish. I was more than proud to call this my baby. Jake was right, he had taught me well.

"You like?" I asked him as I ran a hand over it.

His eyes were wide in amazement, a grin plastered on his face. He looked like Christmas morning.

"Like," he breathed. "I love it Bells,"

He ran his hands over the hood. His eyes roved back and forth quickly taking in everything he could about it. It was then that I made my decision. One that was tough for me; but at this point I would do anything for him.

"Well," I drew out the word. "You want to drive it?"

His eyes jolted to me in surprise.

"Wh-what?" he spluttered as I tossed the keys to him; he snatched them out the air.

He moved quickly towards me, coming to a stop directly in front of me. I tried to hide my blush at the close proximity of his body. He took my hands.

"Bells, are you serious?" He gripped my hands tightly, begging for it to be a yes. All I could do was nod.

Suddenly I was flying through the air. Jacob had swooped me up into a bear hug, swinging me around in his place, letting out a cry of joy. I couldn't help but laugh with delight. Jacob was happy; so I was happy.

He placed me on my feet, and kissed my forehead.

"Isabella Swan," he spoke. "I may love you more than a fat kid loves cake,"

I burst into a fit of giggles; clutching at my stomach. It had been so long since I had laughed like this.

"What's so funny?" He asked, amusement filling his voice.

"You, you are." I spoke looking up at him.

There was a smile plastered on his face that warmed my heart. It was my smile, My Jacob; the smile that he seemed to reserve for me and only me. I sighed in content.

"I missed you Jacob," I said, "I missed this."

I gestured between us trying to convey what I meant.

"Yeah, me too" He said.

"Well…" I walked to the passenger side and opened the door. "Let's get going,"

Jake let out a shout of excitement and climbed into the driver's seat with lightning speed. Before I knew it the engine was running and we were on our way.

******

"So I figured we'd go to Port Angeles to look around," I said as I pulled out a list from my purse.

"Really?" He turned to look at me. His brow furrowed, his eyes filled with distant hurt.

"Yeah why?" I asked.

He turned away and trained his gaze back on the road. I could see the tension in his jaw and his body. The veins of his forearms popping as he gripped the steering wheel tightly. And just like that we were gone; we weren't Bella and Jake anymore…we were Bella and the new Jake; Lana's Jake.

I'd never felt more bipolar in my life.

"It's just far, is all" He gritted through his teeth.

"Well yeah," I mumbled, fumbling with the list in my hands. "I figured it'd be good to get away you know?"

He nodded his head curtly. But I knew better, he didn't understand.

The car was filled with a thick silence then. Jacob's hurt and discomfort at my choice in location was strange and understandable to me. It was strange to me because I figured Jake would want me as far away as possible from him; to lessen our suffering, but mostly mine. He has a girlfriend, his imprint; he didn't need me anymore. And although he had confessed his love for me we both understood that it couldn't go anywhere. _We_ couldn't go anywhere.

"So, um…does Lana know-?"

"You got any music?" he quickly cut me off.

Before I could answer him he had flicked my ipod on and my ears were suddenly filled with music. Jacob bobbed his head along, his lips silently mouthing the words. It took a bit of time before I realized what was playing.

"Miley Cyrus," I raised my eyebrows at him. "Really?"

"It's your ipod," He retaliated.

"But you know all the words" I laughed.

He shrugged his shoulders. "It's a catchy song."

I burst into laughter again. Jacob couldn't help but smile.

"Oh come on," He cooed. "You know you want to sing too." He flashed a huge smile at me.

"Your right I do," I replied. So we did.

"So I put my hands up they're playin' my song," He sang.

"The butterflies fly away," I replied. How convenient.

"I'm noddin' my head like yeah" he continued.

"Movin my hips like yeah," I finished.

We proceeded to belt out the rest of the chorus quickly heading into the next verse. After that clear ice breaker song we spent the rest of the ride in laughter and music. We sang duets, solos, debated and agreed over the likes of Michael Jackson, The Who, Kings of Leon, and Radiohead. I had never known that Jacob held such an interest in music. I didn't know his preferences or that we shared such a similar taste in music. I hadn't realized till now how little I knew Jacob. He had been my best friend for years, yet I had neglected him in so many ways. I knew Jacob, but I didn't know him the way I should have; the way I wish I had.

We arrived in the town of Port Angeles too soon. The reality and weight of my decision to move out was suddenly upon my shoulders. I was going to be living on my own. True this would not be the first time but in a way it felt like it was.

When I had left forks behind all those years ago I had traveled on my own, lived on my own. But now that I was back in Forks and only a measly two hours away from home and Jacob; the sadness of it all hit harder. In a way I was so close yet so far away.

Jacob pulled the car into a parking spot outside of the real estate office I had told him about. According to my Google search and recommendations from Charlie this was the place to go.

"You ready?" he asked me from the drivers seat.

I nodded at him and climbed silently out of the car.

As we walked towards the doorway Jacob pulled me into a protective side hug, the hardness of his body pressing nicely into my soft side. I looked up at him in question and he gave me a reassuring smile.

"Relax Bells," he whispered. "You're going to be fine."

But I really wasn't. Not if I was going to choke on these damn butterflies.

When we entered the building I was instantly hit with a familiar smell. Cinnamon and vanilla. The scent warmed my body, though maybe it was coming from the nearby fireplace. The room we entered was quaint and small, the walls a rich cream color, with a hard wooden floor. Different couches and loveseats were placed strategically around the room; giving me the feeling of a feng shui vibe.

I could hear the click of approaching heels but I already knew who I was going to find facing me.

"Bella?" A calm soft voice spoke.

I turned and smiled abashedly.

"Hey Angela,"

She let out a little shriek and rushed at me, quickly wrapping her arms around me. I was enveloped within her dark curls, which she seemed to have grown out over the years. She was gorgeous, still the same beautiful Angela that I had always admired.

"Oh my God, how are you?" She said into my hair, not releasing her grip on me.

I rubbed her back. "I'm good, I'm really good."

She pulled me away from her and held me at arms length and gave me a once over.

"Well you certainly look good," She said sweetly. "Age has down wonders for you Bella."

I could almost hear the 'I told you so' mulling around in Jacob's thoughts.

"Well," I replied. "I've learned to embrace it."

Angela smiled big and hugged me again. She stepped away once more and finally noticed the presence of Jacob within the room.

"Oh, hello," she said walking to him and extending her hand. "It's Jacob right?"

"Yeah," he said shaking her hand.

I could already see the knowing smile forming on her lips and the twinkle in her eye. I needed to stamp out the spark that was sure to create a fire within the town. She needed to know that there was nothing going on.

But she beat me to the punch.

"So you guys are looking for a place together."

She didn't ask; more like stated.

There was an awkward snip of laughter shared between Jake and I as we avoided one another's gaze.

"Um…well,"

"No, we're not." He finished for me. "We're not…"

"Together." I finished.

A blush made it's way to Angela's face and I knew that my face only mirrored hers.

"Oh, I'm sorry," She mumbled. "Silly me,"

"It's ok," Jake smiled, saving her from further embarrassment. "No big deal."

I looked at him but he avoided my gaze, leaving me to take in the serene calmness upon his face. Surprisingly enough he didn't seem all that bothered by Angela's comment. I could only imagine the thoughts running through his head.

_I don't blame her. We have a history. I'm with Lana. No big deal.  
No. Big. Deal. _

I could only imagine the thoughts, yet I couldn't help but wish they weren't true.

"Bella," Angela said to me, stirring me from my thoughts.

"Hmm," I spoke, turning to her. "Sorry,"

She eyed me with a small smile. "It's ok,"

"Angela was just wondering what you were looking for," Jake spoke up.

He was full on staring at me now. His voice was hard and distant, his eyes void of any kind of emotion. And suddenly Lana's Jake was back.

"Oh, um…just an apartment," I said. "Something quaint; not too, big but not too small" I shrugged my shoulders.

"Ok, well you've come to the right place," She placed her hands on her hips, as if ready to face any challenge. "Just come with me and we'll get going," She turned and began to walk away.

"You ready?" I asked turning to look at him.

"Yeah, let's do this." He grabbed my hand and pulled me along after Angela.

Warmth spread throughout me at the feel of his hand wrapped around mine. The rough calluses of his hand pressing into the smooth ridges of my own; his thumb tracing a slow small circle upon my palm.

_A stirring.  
A thrumming.  
_And the butterflies were back.

******

**A/N: Hope you enjoyed it! I know it's not one of my better chapters…=(**

**But don't forget to review! Pretty please?!?!**


	6. Butterflies Pt2

**A/N: Thank you soooo much to everyone who has reviewed and read this story. Your words of encouragement spur me on everyday. Once again I must apologize for the long delay. What with the World Series going on and loads of school work I've been so busy. This chapter is relatively shorter than the others but I think you'll like it. I hope to have the next chapter up sooner than later. I know I always say this but I'm actually hoping this is true this time. Haha. But anyways, yeah. Thanks again and happy reading!!**

**p.s. if you really love me you'll root for the Philadelphia Phillies for me!!**

**p.p.s. screw A-Rod and the rest of his toolbag team…..sorry if this offends any of you readers….actually I'm not sorry ;P**

**Disclaimer: SM the lucky bitch owns it**

******

"_So one day he found her crying  
Coiled up on the dirty ground  
her prince finally came to save her  
And the rest you can figure out  
But it was a trick  
And the clock struck twelve  
Well make sure to build your home  
brick by boring brick  
Or the wolf's gonna blow it down."_

-Paramore 

**Chapter 6**

Butterflies Pt.2

"So, from what you've told me, I have about three places for you." Angela said from behind a thick manila envelope.

We had been sitting in her office for a good hour, discussing my likes and dislikes; everything that I wanted and everything I didn't. Amazingly enough Angela had narrowed it down to three places, a small number but good enough for me. I felt safe with Angela helping me with this huge decision. It was clear to me that she knew what she was doing. And the fact that Jacob hadn't voiced any concerns yet was enough reassurance with me. Surely he would object if something didn't sound good to him.

"Ok, sounds great," I sat up enthusiastically in my chair. I was eager to start searching. Sitting in that room had made me jittery, and the persistent presence of Jacob's hand on mine and his leg pressed to mine hadn't helped me at all either.

I knew that Angela was more than confused at mine and Jacob's relationship. In fact she could join the club because I was just as confused. Throughout the meeting within her office she had continually snuck glances at our entwined fingers; the close proximity of our bodies to one another. The glances had gone unnoticed by Jacob, his attention fixated on whatever lay outside Angela's office window, like he had heard this all before, but they had not gone unnoticed to me. He had remained mum throughout the entire conversation, only gently squeezing my hand at times to let me know that he was still present and alert.

"They're well within the same range of each other," Angela continued. "So we won't be driving all over creation today." She placed the envelope down on her desk and folded her hands in front of her, smiling. Clearly Angela received great satisfaction out of her job.

"That's great," I replied, clapping my hands lightly together. I could feel Jacob chuckle quietly next to me.

"Great, well would you like to see them today?" Angela asked.

"Yeah, yeah of course," I replied already clamoring out of my seat.

Jacob followed my lead, removing himself lazily from his chair.

"Great, let me grab my coat and we'll head on out."

Angela exited the room briskly leaving Jacob and me alone in the room. He stood before me with a small smile on his face. I gazed at him openly, searching through his eyes in an attempt to read him. Years ago I was able to read Jacob like a book. He had always been so open with me, his eyes conveying everything he thought and felt, even when his demeanor spoke other words.

But I couldn't find anything.  
Nothing. Jacob was no longer an open book. He was closed tightly shut; guarded.

"Jake…" I started and then fumbled. I wasn't sure what I was going to say.

He said nothing. He only reached for my hand and took it lightly in his.

"I'm proud of you Bella," he whispered, looking down at our interlocked fingers. "I just want you to know that."

I blinked furiously. What was there to be proud of?

"I don't understand,"

"Being here, with you" He continued to whisper. "Seeing you like this," he ran his other hand gently down the side of my face, then moved back towards my neck, locking his hand in place, gripping it lightly.

"I don't-"

"I'm just glad that you chose-"

"Hey, are you ready?"

Angela's soft voice broke through the shell that had seemed to form around us in those short minutes.

Jacob stepped away from me quickly.

"Yes, we're ready." He shoved his hands in his pockets, avoiding my gaze; his face hard and passive.

_Wait. No. What did I choose?_

My eyes roamed furiously across his face, begging him to look at me.

"Bella?" Angela said.

I turned and looked at her, my eyes wide and brimmed with tears. I needed to know what he was going to say.

"Bella, are you ok?" Concern filled her voice.

He looked at me then, his hard features softening at my distraught appearance.

_Tell her everything's fine _his eyes said to me. _Tell her you're ok. _

I looked at Angela. "Yeah I'm fine," I nodded. "Just emotional…moving out and all."

Angela pressed and hand over her heart and nodded her head.

"I understand Bella," She said. "But this will be an exciting experience."

I nodded in agreement and attempted to regain some composure.

"Well, I'm ready," I stated, plastering on what I hoped was a convincing smile.

It must have worked because within a matter of minutes Jacob and I were scrunched into the back of Angela's car and on our way to find my new home.

******

The first two homes were defunct.

Of course they were beautiful, Angela picked them out, but they just didn't do it for me. When I had entered the homes it immediately didn't fit. I couldn't see myself getting comfortable there. I couldn't see myself_ living_ there.

They weren't homes that I could picture myself starting a life in. They weren't places where Jake and I could-

_Stop right there Bella.  
How could you even think like that?_

I turned my gaze to Jake as we stood just before the entrance of the home. He was surveying his surroundings, a frown fitted on his face. Did I really just think about starting a life with him?

_Yes Bella. Yes you did. _

I shook my head to clear the thoughts. I couldn't allow myself to think those kinds of things. I had no right to picture a beautiful home surrounded by trees. Not little black haired children, family dinners, or old age.

_No right. No right. No right. _

"I'm so sorry," I apologized to Angela for the umpteenth time. Jake trailed along behind me as we exited the second apartment.

"Bella its fine," She reassured me. "Things like these take time.

"I know, I just feel so bad," I whined. "They were beautiful but-"

"They just didn't fit," Jacob finished for me.

I looked over my shoulder at him. He smiled and I nodded. Jacob hadn't enjoyed the first two apartments either.

"Yeah, what he said," I said.

Angela nodded. "I see," She smiled. "Well I do always save the best for last, come on." She gestured for us to get back into the car with her.

I paused at the side of the door. I really wasn't ready for all of this. Sure I wanted my own place but I just wasn't ready. Being back in Forks, seeing Charlie again I didn't want to leave him a second time. No matter how much he needed his "bachelor pad" back.

"You alright?" Jacob asked from behind me.

I nodded my head wordlessly and climbed into the car.

The apartment she was taking us to was on the outskirts of Port Angeles within a secluded little town. It was like the suburbs of the suburbs. Not in a boonies kind of way, it was a small and quaint neighborhood; one that brought a sense of calm to my restless mind.

When Angela stopped the car I immediately knew; this was going to be my home.

"This is it" I whispered. My hand lay pressed against the glass, the surface cool beneath my fingertips. "This is it."

The apartment was in fact a tiny home.

It was a two story home and absolutely gorgeous. Words couldn't describe the feeling it emitted within my heart when I gazed upon it. It fit me perfectly, everything about it. I knew it before I even stepped foot within the door.

Its light wooden paneling seemed to glow beneath the surrounding trees, its red door warm and welcoming. I could see a side deck attached to the house and immediately hoped that it wrapped around.

On the way over Angela had informed me that the home was within a community that was built by a lake. I was more interested in finding a home after she had said this; a lake view would be ideal.

A small gravel half circular driveway wrapped itself in front of the front door; there was a good sized two car garage off to the side. Different sections of flowers were flitted about the front yard. It was beautiful, everything that I could have asked for. The thought of how I was going to afford this home didn't cross my mind at that moment.

After Angela turned the car off we clambered out, myself more quickly than the other two. I walked quickly towards the front door, my steps quick and determined. I could hear the faint rumbling of Jacob's laughter at my sudden interest; Angela joining in with him. But I didn't care; they could laugh all they wanted. This was my home, what I wanted.

Within in seconds I was standing in front of the door, my hand resting on the large brass handle. It was a carved figurine of a wolf's head, howling at the moon. The message of it hit me. This had to be my home. I turned back round to Angela and Jake, shooting them a wide grin.

"Angela!" I cried throwing my hands in the air. "This is it!"

She let out a cheer of delight and Jacob clapped his hands. I threw my head back in laughter, soaking up the warm feeling. I have never been more sure about something in my life…well this was the second time.

"You sure you don't want to see the inside first?" Angela asked, standing before me. "You know, just to make sure."

"Oh I would love to see the inside," I nodded. "But I'm sure this is the one."

"Really?" Jake spoke from behind her.

"Jake, do you see the handle?" I pointed at it, my voice taking on the "duh" tone.

He laughed. "It's a wolf," I stated. "A frickin wolf. .."

He laughed and folded his arms across his chest.

"Alright, if you say so." He shuffled on his feet, his eyes searching my face. He bit his lip lightly.

I quirked my brow at him; was he hiding something?

"I do say so," I placed my hands on my hips and turned to Angela. "Can we go inside?"

"Of course," she replied. She stepped forward lightly to the door, placing a small silver key in the lock. She looked back at my expectant eyes and smiled. "Welcome home Bella," She spoke as she opened the door.

******

I had fallen in love with the house the moment that I had stepped through the door. Everything was a perfect fit, every room; every single piece of furniture had been what I wanted. It was almost too good to be true.

We had just finished touring through the kitchen, dining room and deck, which in fact did wrap around, when Angela suggested that Jacob and I look at the living room while she ran and made a quick phone call.

I nodded wordlessly to her as Jacob took my hand and led me to the living room, his hot hand tightly wrapped around mine. Throughout this whole ordeal the butterflies had not wilted away, they had only seemed to grow in numbers, their wings beating more incessantly within me.

I could feel the palm of my hand sweating within his, and we both knew it wasn't due to his scorching body heat. Although it had lessened since I had left Forks. The thought and fact of that pierced my heart suddenly. I stopped in my tracks.

Jacob turned to look at me, a confused expression fixed upon his face.

"Everything ok?" He asked.

I removed my hand from his and wiped it on my jeans. I shook my head and shoved my hands into the pockets of my jacket. I trained my eyes on the ground, studying my worn out converse; counting each fleck of dirt on them. I shook my head no.

"I don't know why but," I started keeping my eyes from looking at him. "I'm nervous" I breathed out a heavy sigh.

"It's just a living room Bells" My chin titled up to find him gazing at me intently. He had crossed the distance between us and gripped my chin within his grasp, lifting my face so that I would look at him. "There's nothing to be afraid of."

I couldn't help but read into his words, hoping there was a double meaning within them.

"Sure, sure" I responded taking a step around him. "You're right."

I walked forward into the living room and stopped short, a gasp escaping my lips.

_No. Fucking. Way. _

The first thing that had caught my eye was not the soft yellow walls, or the tall white fireplace. It wasn't the soft grey couches or the light wooden coffee table and accompanying cabinets. It wasn't the many books that adorned the bookshelves that were seamlessly attached to the fire place setting, a black wood burner sitting in place of logs and flames. It was the picture that sat above the fireplace. The picture that spoke so many truths that it _hurt_.

I turned on the spot; my jaw slackened and looked at Jacob. He leaned against the doorframe, ducking slightly so he wouldn't hit his head. He had a sheepish grin on his face but his eyes were filled with guilt. But it wasn't a bad kind of guilt, as if there were any other kind. It was one that said "I wanted to surprise you because I love you".

"Jake…" I whispered. "Is that…is this…" I couldn't finish my sentence. I looked back at the painting and I instantly knew. She was so familiar, so recognizable, and so beautiful. Even if I had never known her.

"Yeah," he whispered back. "She's my mother."

"She's beautiful," was all I could spit out.

The painting was tall and dark, yet light all the same. It was of a woman, Jake's mother. She sat by a body of water her eyes staring intently out, shining with love and mystery. She wore a beautiful white dress, most likely a design of traditional Quileute clothes worn by the women. She was absolutely breathtaking. The look of innocence and wisdom all thrown in together shown through in the photo. Her resemblance to Jacob was so saddening and so absolutely wonderful. Jacob had taken after his mother in so many ways. His beauty, his grace, and his innocence. Although I had never met her I could see the similarities in so many ways.

But the one thing that really got to me was the beautiful white wolf that sat next to her. The wolf was just as majestic if not more than the woman it sat beside. It's fur was a pure white, that grayed near the top of it's head, growing darker around the ears. I didn't need to ask who it was, I already knew.

"And that's Billy," I said, keeping my gaze trained upon the painting. It was a statement, not a question.

"Yeah," His deep voice agreed. "He actually painted this a few days before…" he paused and took a shaky breath.

I turned towards and him and walked forward taking his hand. I squeezed it gently to let him know that I understood I didn't need an explanation.

"This is your home." Another statement.

He nodded and looked away.

"My mother's, before she married my father."

"I don't understand-"

What with Jacob being full Quileute I had assumed that his mother and father had met and lived on the Rez.

"My mom was always a free spirit," he spoke. "At least that's how my dad described her." He walked towards the fireplace and stood before the picture, smiling up at the image of his late mother. "She moved off of the Rez because she hated the idea of being 'controlled' by the council…I don't blame her" I was immediately reminded of a certain conversation we had had years ago. One that involved the council, talk of love and _imprinting_.

I shuddered as Lana's face popped into my mind.

"She was with my father at the time she left, she was 18. She told him that she loved him and wanted a life with him, but it had to be away from the eyes of the council" He looked down at the ground. "My father didn't agree with her, but he followed her anyways. Pretty soon they were married; the council didn't agree, their parents were furious for them starting a life outside of the Rez,; outside of tradition," He turned his eyes to me and locked me within a red eyed stare. My breathing had grown a bit labored as I looked back at him. I didn't dare break this embrace. "He fought for her tooth and nail; stayed with her through everything. Not once did he consider leaving her, not once did he ever think of giving up on her."

I looked away from him in shame. I knew that he was speaking of me running, taking off; leaving him behind. Jacob had been there for me all those years, all those times and I had abandoned him.

"I lived in this house Bella, with my mother, my father, and my sisters." I looked up at him shocked. "This was my home until my mother passed away. I don't remember it much but there's still that small connection to it. After my mother died my dad moved us back to the Rez, he couldn't stand to live here without her."

I returned my eyes to the ground. Afraid to look up and see the pain and anguish that I knew lay in his eyes.

"My father left this house to me, my sisters didn't want it." I chanced a glance at him and found his back to me, his eyes on the painting once more. "He told me to save it for the girl that I loved," He turned and looked me dead on in the eyes. "For the one that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with."

A tear escaped my eye and I began to hyperventilate. I looked at him and shook my head no. This house didn't belong to me; this wasn't mine, he wasn't mine.

"I can't Jake," I whispered through tears, fighting the sobs. "This…this isn't mine. I have no right."

He was in front of me in three easy strides. His large hands wrapped around mine, swallowing them whole.

"God Bella, don't say that," he cried. He pressed his forehead to mine. "You have every right to this home, it's you, it's me; it's yours." He gasped out.

"This doesn't make sense!" I cried pulling away from him.

My heart was pounding and I could feel the onslaught of a headache. I couldn't deal with this, I could only handle o much shock; my body could only handle so many exhausting tears.

"All of it makes sense!" He retaliated, reaching for me.

"This is Lana's home!" I whispered harshly pulling away. This time his hand hung in the balance, in the space between our bodies. "This is hers, _you_ are hers," I choked out.

"I know, Bella" He stepped back. "I know."

"Then why are you doing this?" the tears fell freely now.

He breathed out a heavy sigh and I waited for the ax to fall.

"Because it's the only part of me that I can give to you."

******

**A/N: Hope you liked it! Don't forget to review! I love you lots!**

**Oh and also, I will have links posted in my profile of the house and Bella's bedroom. I know I didn't describe it yet but I didn't feel the need to. I think I might get to it next chapter but I can't wait for you guys to see it. Haha. Also when you look at the different pictures of the house everything is basically the same though I did change a few things. Um one the door is red not brown and two the bedroom that they show, yeah you can just scrap that, I don't like it. Hahaha. But yeah, I'll also have a picture of the painting posted also. **

**Thanks again!**

**Xoxo**

**B**


	7. Soul Meets Body

**A/N: Well hello there my lovely readers. Once again I want to thank each and everyone of you for reading and reviewing my story. All of the positive feedback is simply amazing. It's such a great feeling to know that people out there enjoy my writing and it means so much to me to read all of the compliments. I really do appreciate it =)**

**Now I know you all have been dying for some Jacob/Bella loving. Yes I do realize that you all want them together and that you all would not mind if Lana just disappeared off the face of the earth at this very moment. Haha. Sorry to break it to you but she's not going anywhere anytime soon. **

**I want you all to understand that I'm trying to make this story as realistic as possible (Well as realistic as you can get in a world where vampires and werewolves exist) and Bella and Jacob aren't just going to see each other and suddenly be with each other. There is a lot that has happened to them over the years, while Bella was in Forks and while she was away; things that will be revealed in later chapters. So please bear with me, I promise you will get some Jacob/Bella loving, SOON.**

**So without further ado…Chapter 7! Happy Reading!**

**Disclaimer: SM owns everythingggggg….lucky duck. **

**Warning: There may or may not be a lemon for you within this chapter ;) **

******

"_I want to live  
Where soul meets body  
And let the sun  
Wrap its arms around me  
And bathe my skin  
In water cool and cleansing  
And feel,  
Feel what it's like to be new"_

_-Death Cab for Cutie_

**Chapter 7 **

**Soul Meets Body  
**

I stood before him feeling cold and alone.  
The feeling was all too familiar, the pain unbearable.

I wrapped my arms around my midsection in an attempt to hold it together.

_Because it's the only part of me that I can give to you. _

But I had set myself up for this hadn't I? I had stupidly come back to Forks, hoping that I could rekindle an old flame, wishing that I could set things straight. I had only managed to cause a mess for the both of us. I was too late.

_  
The only part. Too late.  
Always too late. _

"Oh," was all I could manage to choke out. "I see,"

Jake's eyes widened in fear, at my distraught state; I didn't bother trying to hide my distress; there was absolutely no way to mask it.

"Oh God, Bells" he moved forward and grabbed my hands. I didn't have the strength or desire to pull away. "I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry."

_How are we going to survive this?_

He couldn't give me anything; nothing at all, save for this house. As beautiful and wonderful as it was I didn't want it. I would only take it if it included everything; if Jake was apart of the deal.

He buried his hands within my hair, placing his face flush against my cheek. The heat of his body sent my heart racing, speeding up the breaking process.

"I wish I could," he breathed in my ear. "God I wish I could, you know that."

And I did know this but it didn't mean it was going to hurt any less. I wanted Jake, all of him. I had made that perfectly, painfully clear; yet he had done nothing. He had only confessed his love for me and then left me. The déjà vu of it all was not something that I could stomach any longer.

I reached up and wrapped my hands around his and disconnected them from my locks of hair. I could see the pain on his face when I placed his hands to my heart, like he had done to me last night.

His bottom lip trembled. "Bella,"

"Don't Jake," I said. "Please don't."

I pressed his hands tighter to my chest, willing him to feel how fast my heart was beating for him. I wanted him to know just how much I loved him; how being this close to him, was like breathing for the first time. That his closeness, his heat and eyes sent shockwave after shockwave through me; filling me with want and need. I wanted to show him that my heart was his and his alone; that it always had been and always would be.

He pulled his hands away from my chest and opted to run them through his hair instead. I stepped away from him, my head hanging low.

We stood in silence for what felt like ages, but in reality was a mere two minutes.

"I'll take the house," I said. Jacob's head flew up, his eyes wide with surprise.

I wasn't quite sure why I was doing this. But I felt that this was right.

"Bells, that's great-"

"But you need to tell Lana,"

_Oh yeah, that's why. _

After another two minutes, which consisted of Jacob breathing heavily, fighting to control his anger and resentment towards my request, he finally came to a decision over his internal battle.

"Fine." He gritted through his teeth. "But she won't like this at all."

I shrugged my shoulders, "I wouldn't expect her to,"

I turned around and made my way out of the living room.

"But honestly, I really don't care." I called over my shoulder.

The silence that followed after told me I wasn't the only one.

******

I later found out the Angela had been in on the whole thing. In the time that I had been away Jacob had gone to Angela asking for her assistance in keeping the house in order and keeping it off the market. His father had been having trouble keeping up with the house ever since his accident and Jake never had the time, what with being a werewolf and all; but of course he kept this from Angela. He had confided in her that he was to save this home for the woman he loved and that it needed to remain in pristine condition.

"I always knew it was you Bella," She had whispered to me whilst Jake was touring the rest of the house. He hadn't been there since I left. "I just had this hunch you know?"

I had only sent her a coy smile and played along.  
_If only she knew_.

"When he brought you here," She gushed. "Well it was just confirmation of it all."

I found out that Jacob had gone to her right after I left, the day after. He went to her with his proposition and she took it; eager to take on a new challenge. So he left the house to her; trusting her with his most prized possession. I was so confused. All this work put into preserving a part of his family's history and not just any part, possibly the most important part, just to give it to me. It didn't make sense. But what made even less sense,

Why was Lana not the recipient of this house?

Jake wouldn't answer this for me. And I knew he probably never would. So he wanted to give me a piece of him; I didn't care. I didn't want a piece, I wanted the whole thing.

After I learned that the house was paid for in full I knew that I would never be able to repay Jacob. This gift above all others had left me feeling more shameful then I thought was possible.

Jacob had done so much for me over the years. He had pulled me out of the deepest darkness straight into the light. He had pieced me back together and dealt with the pain, stress, and anguish that came with being my friend; and I had left him. He had fought tooth and nail for my life, throwing himself out there, making himself vulnerable; and I had cast him aside, like an old childhood blanket, ready to grow up and move on to bigger and better things.

I had been so wrong. So hopelessly wrong.

Angela dropped us off back at my car and Jacob took the wheel once more. It was 6:30 in the evening and the light was quickly fading from the sky.

"Are you hungry?"

I nodded my head, remaining silent. Jacob leaned across the seat and took my hand in his.

"Bella," He said quietly. I didn't respond. I hung my head low and stared at our entwined fingers, his thumb brushing light circles across my hand. "Bells, honey look at me, _please_" I didn't.

I was suddenly forced to look him straight on in the eyes as he had gripped my chin tightly and brought my head up to face him. The air in the car grew thick with tension and I was suddenly drowning in pools of warm chocolate.

Somewhere inside of my mind I was registering the fact that we were steadily moving closer to one another; his eyes flicking back and forth between my own and my lips. Subconsciously I flicked my tongue out, grazing it lightly across my bottom lip, moistening it; Jacob's jaw clenched in reaction. There was a sudden hunger in his eyes. I moved closer still, till my forehead was rested upon his, my hand gripping the front of his t-shirt dangerously. I couldn't remember how it had gotten there.

"Bella," he groaned out as I brought my other hand to rest dangerously low on his thigh.

"Please," I whispered, my lips lightly grazing his. "Jacob pl-"

His lips were on mine before I could get another word out.

The kiss was rough and violent; both of us fighting for the upper hand. Jacob immediately fisted his hands in my hair, pulling and dragging, sending waves of pain and pleasure coursing through my skin. My body was on fire, my mind a foggy haze. I groaned loudly as he ran his tongue across my bottom lip begging for entrance; I happily obliged. Within seconds our tongues were moving in a wild dance, passion and anger, hurt and need for the other seeping into our pores, burrowing deep within our skin. I couldn't get enough of him, I wanted more.

I bit down on his bottom lip roughly drawing blood. There was a sharp intake of breath from him and he pulled away.

"God Bella," He groaned then dove in harder; rougher.

The sharp copper taste sent shivers through my spine and sent my heart racing. He groaned loudly as I ran my hands up and down his chest. His hands had made they're way out of my hair, tracing patterns across my skin sending me into a haze of lust; it was if his hands were everywhere and nowhere all at once.

"I want you," I said boldly to him.

I moved my hands down farther, tracing the waistline of his jeans, feeling the dip of his hip bones.

"Jacob I want you so bad," Somehow I managed to pop the button.

"Bella," He said with shaky breaths, "Bells,"

I took this as a sign to continue. I pulled his zipper down; the sound loud and clear over our pants of pleasure locked within my heated car.

I moved to place my hand inside…

"Bella stop." He suddenly growled. I bit back a cry of pain as he forcefully pulled my hand from his pants, holding my wrist in an iron tight grip. I flinched slightly at the pressure; it was as if he had forgotten his strength.

"Jake," I whimpered trying to free my grasp. "I'm sorry, let go…_let go_"

He ignored me, his eyes black with rage, lust, and _guilt_.

"How could you?" He hissed. "How dare-"

"You're hurting me!" I roared in his face attempting to snap him out of his rage.

At the clear look of anguish upon my face Jacob's eyes immediately softened. He dropped my hand with lightning speed, backing away from me as far as possible as my car would allow.

I groaned in pain and rubbed my wrist attempting to revive feeling in it. A large red ring had formed around my wrist, the out line of his fingers evident on my pale skin. I held no doubts that this would bruise in the morning.

"Oh God Bells," He reached for me. "I'm so s-"

"Take me home," I hissed turning away from him. "Now."

"Bella-"

"I said now."

I turned and faced the window, ignoring the look of shame that I knew he would shoot my way. I couldn't give in to him; I couldn't let go of this.

A lone tear escaped my eye as he gunned the engine and sped off towards forks.

_We will never survive this. _

******

As soon as he pulled my car up in front of my house I quickly climbed out of the vehicle, not bothering to wait until he turned off the car; not bothering to retrieve my keys from him. I raced up the front walk, my strides quick and full of purpose. I needed to get away from him away from us and what we _weren't_.

"Bella wait!" He called from behind me. "Bella!'

I made it up my stairs and was within reach of the front door when I was violently spun around and into his outstretched arms.

"Bella please!" he yelled as I fought against his grip. "Listen to me, please!"

"Jacob let go of me!" I beat my hands against his chest.

I was afraid, scared; any word you can think of to describe the terror that was racing through my body. Jacob had hurt me in the car, he had _physically_ hurt me.

"Why did you – why can't we just?" He couldn't finish a single sentence as he shook my repeatedly. It was only then that I noticed the slight tremors within his skin.

Jacob was trembling. Actually trembling.

"Jake stop!" I screamed at him, my eyes transfixed on his trembling arms.

He followed my gaze, his eyes landing on his shaking form. His eyes grew wide in amazement.

_This couldn't be happening. This can't be happening to him. Not now. _

"Bella I'm sorry!" he cried releasing his hold on me.

I stumbled backwards into the door, hitting it with a thud. I shrunk away from him instantly, my hand reaching back behind me to grip the door knob.

Jacob backed away from me with a look of sorrow and regret written all over his face. He threw his hands over his face and mumbled "I'm sorry" over and over again, his body still trembling.

"Jacob, you need to leave" I whispered afraid to say anything else.

He nodded his head and turned and ran.

_We can not survive this. _

******

As soon as Jacob ran I raced into the house unable to withhold my sobs of frustration and hurt any longer. I silently thanked God that Charlie was not home to hear my cries as I sank to my knees in front of the door, unable to control the tears or my breathing.

Each cry was long and loud echoing the pain and burning sensation that ripped through my chest. My hands shook and my knees gave way sending me crashing to the ground. I curled into a ball, wrapping my arms around myself; I was so cold.

I yearned to be 19 again, to be young and free. I wanted to return to the time in when it was just Jacob and I, when he was my sun. I wanted to feel his warmth against me, hear his laughter, feel his smile; and know that I was the one who had caused it.

"Bella," a deep voice suddenly whispered.

I jolted to a sitting position and found Jacob sitting on the ground in front of me.

I immediately rushed to him, throwing myself into his arms, crying and sobbing uncontrollably. I didn't question how he had gotten in, I didn't need to know when he had turned around and come back for me. The only thing that mattered was that he was here with me, now.

"Bells," He cried into my hair. He clutched at me tightly, pulling my body flush against him. "I'm so sorry, God I'm so sorry."

I ignored him and continued to cry into his chest. I ran my hands over his arms, feeling the pulse of his heart beneath my cheek. I had flung myself into his lap, needing to be as close to him as possible.

"I don't know what to do," He whispered. "I don't know what I'm supposed to do."

"Love me," I whispered against his chest. "Just love me,"

He gently took hold of my chin and pulled my face to his, resting his forehead against mine. I breathed deeply as I stared into his eyes, warm pools of chocolate brimmed with red, tears trickling down his softened face.

"I do love you," he replied. "I love you so much,"

"Then don't hold back this time," I boldly stated.

"Bella," He groaned looking away from me.

"Don't" I roughly said, grabbing his chin and forcing him to look at me. "Don't. Hold. Back."

And then his lips were on mine once more.

I was suddenly swept up into his arms; he was holding me bridal style. I could feel the steady thump of his body moving up the stairs as his lips continuously moved with mine. I clutched at him tightly, my arms wrapped around his neck.

"I'm never letting you go," I whispered against his mouth.

He kicked my bedroom door open swiftly, and then repeated, closing it shut. The soft click of the door locking was lost on my ears as he moved towards the bed. He said nothing as he lowered me to the bed, his lips never once leaving mine. His hands moved effortlessly across my body, caressing and stroking every area of my body as if he had it memorized.

I worked my hands out of his hair and dragged them down his back, my nails digging in lightly; Jacob groaned in my mouth. I curled my fingers around the bottom of his shirt tugging on it lightly. I needed to feel his hot skin beneath my palms.

Jacob happily obliged my unspoken request and sat back on his heels and deftly took off his shirt, tossing it into the corner of my room. I sat up with him, removing my jacket quickly. Before I could remove my shirt he leaned forward, placing himself between my legs and rested his body lightly on mine, being careful not to place his entire weight on me. His lips eagerly returned to mine as I moved my hands across his now bare chest, committing every dip, line, and curve to memory, relishing in the feel of his taut muscles beneath my hands. His body moved gently against mine, drawing out light pants from my lips, cries of want that had never made an appearance until now. I moved my hands to my own shirt and struggled to take it off. I needed to feel his skin on mine.

Jacob ignored my struggle and trailed kisses across my jaw and down to my neck, each touch of his lips like a feather dancing across my skin. His hands lay stubbornly next to either side of my waist.

"Jake, please" I pleaded with him, begging him to remove the piece of clothing that separated my skin from his.

He chuckled against the skin of my throat sending vibrations of pleasure racing through my body. I let out a moan of satisfaction as his hands moved to my shirt, his hands slipping beneath my shirt and resting upon the bare skin of my stomach. I let out a moan as his palms massaged my stomach, moving upward taking my shirt along with it. As gasp escaped my lips as his thumbs traced the underside of my breasts. My shirt was suddenly ripped from my body, my bra flying across the room with it.

The realization that I was laying beneath Jacob, shirtless, bra-less and completely bare suddenly hit me, causing a flush of red to fly to my cheeks. Jacob hovered above me, a smile upon his face as his eye roamed over every naked surface of my skin.

"You're so beautiful," he whispered, his fingers tracing circles across my skin.

I reached a hand forward and drew his lips to mine once more, a new kind of urgency to the kiss as my lips moved roughly with his.

I wanted him. I wanted him so badly.

I was vaguely aware of the sound of my zipper being pulled down but wasn't aware of what was going on until I was left in nothing but my underwear, my jeans lay discarded on the floor, Jacob's jeans twisted within them. My eyes flicked nervously at the sight of his boxer brief clad body, dipping low to settle between my thighs. His arousal and need for me was so apparent. I couldn't help but notice that _everything_ about him was big.

Jacob began to kiss his way down my body, his lips placing feather kisses down my collar bone and in between my breasts, his hands kneading the skin of my stomach, brushing backwards and forwards, working their way to my thighs.

I let out a gasp as Jacob suddenly took the nipple of my right breast between his teeth, biting lightly and sucking.

He was good at this. Too good.

"God, Jake" I cried as he worked diligently on my breasts, paying close attention to each one. My fingers dug themselves within his hair holding him close to me.

I subconsciously wrapped my legs around his torso as he ground himself against my hot center. It was all too much. His smell, his taste, his touch were all so intoxicating; filling my mind with a fog of pleasure.

He kissed his way down my stomach and past my navel. I nearly lost it when his tongue flicked out and traced the outlines of my hip bones while his large, warm hands worked my underwear down my legs. They soon joined the rest of my clothes on the floor. I moaned in anticipation, my hips raising slightly, begging for him to touch me.

"God, you're so wet," He said in satisfaction, sliding a finger across my center.

I could only answer with a groan as I arched my back.

"I want to taste you," He boldly stated.

Before I could offer him encouragement his mouth was on me, working wonders and sending shockwaves of pleasure coursing through my skin. It was like nothing I had ever felt before. His tongue worked against my nerves, sending me reeling and panting, begging for more. I hooked a leg over his shoulder drawing him in closer. I gripped the sheets of my bed tightly, my head thrown back in utter complete bliss.

The build up was painfully enjoyable as he worked me towards it. Right as I reached my peak, ready to fall over the edge, Jacob pulled away; a smirk plastered on his face. I let out a groan of frustration, attempting to pull him back towards me. He had to let me finish. He couldn't do this to me.

"Ah, ah, ah" he playfully scolded, leaning out of reach of my hands.

To my disappointment Jacob was suddenly hovering above me. He placed his lips against mine once more, kissing me sweetly and softly; I could taste myself on him. I wouldn't say it out loud but I wished he would return to kissing me _elsewhere_ in that moment.

"Bella," He breathed against my lips.

I could only let out a breathy, "hmm?"

"Do you want this?" He growled, biting my lip.

I gasped as I felt his naked tip, teasing me at my entrance. He ground himself against me, his length sliding along easily, already coated with his own juices and mine.

"Uhh" I moaned, arching my hips. I needed him to fill me; to make me whole.

"Do you want it," He asked again, his voice low and seductive.

"Y-yes" I managed to spit out between shaky breaths. With the rate we were going at and his constant grinding against my center, I wouldn't need him to enter me to get me off.

"Tell me what you want," He growled, stopping his tip once more at my entrance.

_God, when did he get so fucking hot?_

"Tell me Bella,"

"I want you," I gasped.

"Where do you want me Bella?" He hissed, inserting just the tip of himself in me.

I gasped out in pleasure, unable to answer him; my breathing was too shaky. I couldn't even imagine the kind of pleasure I was in store for; after all this was only the tip of his member.

"Come on Bells," He suddenly whispered in my ear, licking and biting. "Tell me where you want it," He pushed a little more.

"I-inside" I gasped.

"Where?" He teased, pulling out.

I growled in frustration, I couldn't take this.

"Inside of me, please, God Jake" I cried grabbing onto his hip tightly. "Fuck me."

He suddenly plunged into my center to the hilt. I screamed out in relief and pain. I wasn't used to anything like this, but God did I want more.

"Shit," He groaned into my shoulder, biting down tightly.

"Oh. My. God." I gasped as he suddenly began to rock into me, his thrusts slow and deep, filling me to impossible depths, connecting us in a way that I had never thought possible.

"Fuck, I've wanted this for so long," He growled, pressing his lips tightly to mine. "I've wanted you for so long,"

He kissed me deeply as he continued to move inside me, my hands running all over his body, drinking in the smell and feel of him.

"I'm yours" I replied. "I'm only yours"

It was all love, heat, sweat, and passion for the next two hours as Jacob and I _made love_. Never in my life had I ever felt so good, so whole. Jacob was everything to me and I would give everything to him. The fact that he wasn't my first still hit hard, but in that moment it no longer mattered. I was with Jacob, making love, crying his name and he mine; and that was the only thing that mattered.

When we had both reached our release we settled into each others arms, our legs entwined and our bodies pressed tight together. The reality that he could leave any moment hung in the air around me, threatening to ruin this beautiful moment. Silent tears slicked down my face as I buried my head into his chest, grabbing at him tightly. I never wanted to let him go not after what just occurred between us.

There was no going back.  
No turning away from this.

As the minutes ticked by and Jacob remained pressed to me and I remained in his arms, my fear began to fade and exhaustion took over. As my eyelids grew heavy and my breathing deep, I could only silently pray that when I awoke Jacob would be there waiting.

A chaste kiss upon my forehead, "Isabella Swan, I'll love you forever"

I succumbed to the darkness with his name on my lips.

******

The first thing that my mind registered when I woke was the presence of a dim light within my room that cast a glow over my closed eyelids.

Then there was the lack of heat.

I groped around my bed, reaching for his body but I knew he wasn't there. I couldn't help but let out a defeated sigh as I shifted slightly moving to the side of my bed that he had previously occupied. I couldn't be surprised though could I? He had every reason to leave.

I decided that it was better to face the music then to ignore the deafening silence and opened my eyes. The scene that lay before me was shocking and surprising.

Jacob sat in the rocking chair next to my bed fully dressed, the chair silent as he rocked back and forth. There was a far off distant look in his eyes, his expression blank and unguarded. I sat up slowly in the bed, clutching the white sheet to my naked chest. I could only imagine what I looked like at the moment. Flush faced and sex hair galore; I had to look a mess.

"Jake," I whispered so as not to startle him. He didn't answer me.

I slid over on the bed and went to touch my feet to the inevitable freezing cold ground.

"Don't," he suddenly spoke. "Just, just stay there."

My heart dropped within my stomach.

There was that tone again, the one that always made an appearance when things were about to get really hard. The tone that said "Hey sorry but I'm here to burst your bubble. You must be crazy if you think _you're_ going to be happy".

He had that look in his eyes; disappointment and guilt.

"Please," I whimpered. "Please don't do this, not _now_" I choked on the ending tears already building in my eyes. "I can't take it,"

My jaw quivered as he stood to his feet and made his way towards my bedroom door.

"You're leaving?" I cried. He stopped with his hand on the door knob, his back facing me. "After all that, you're just going to _leave_?"

He breathed in deeply and let out a rush of air.

"I'm sorry," he opened the door, "This was a mistake," He walked out without a second glance back.

I was up and on my feet within seconds, wrapping the sheet around my body and chasing after him.

"Jake!" I screamed as I ran towards the stairs. He was already more than halfway down them. "Jacob!"

He ignored me and continued on his way towards the front door.

"How could you?" I screamed running down the stairs. "How could you?"

He hung his head low and stood with his back towards me once more as I thudded to a stop at the bottom of the stairs.

"You told me you love me." I stated, my words shaking on my tears. "You said it."

"I can't do this," He spoke softly, "We can't do this, we just can't" He swiftly opened the door and left without another word.

I sunk to me knees at the bottom of the stairs and let my grief consume me.

_But you told me you love me. _

******

**A/N: Soooo do you love me or hate me? Please say you love me :/**

**Once again, just bear with me. Things have to get worse before they can get better. Don't forget to review! Love you lots!**

**xoxo**

**B**


	8. All In My Head

**A/N: AND WE'RE BACK!**

**HALLELUJAH! HALLELUJAH! HALLELUJAH! HALLELUJAH! HALLELUJAH!**

**Sooooo I've got good and bad news. Good news is we're back with the story. Bad news is my computer is still unfixed. I am currently using my mother's lap top that she so generously loaned to me :D yay! Haha. So yeah, here's the real eighth chapter. I hope you like it. It's a lot shorter than I would have liked it to be, but this is sort of a filler chapter before we start to get into the real drama and plot of the story. A lot of questions will be answered in the next chapter…well a good amount of them. Sooooo I guess without further ado… HAPPY READING!**

**** **

"_I find it hard to remember  
What it's all about  
Losing ground to get you back.  
Forgot a lot  
But I never could forget about, _

_You and me and what I thought we had." _

-Find Vienna

**Chapter 8**

**All In My Head**

I cried for what felt like hours. I curled myself into a ball in my sheets, in the spot where he had left me, and wept.

And wept. And wept. And wept.

I was so stupid, so gullible. I had foolishly convinced myself that Jacob and I could return to our old selves, that we could pick up right where we had left off. But who was I kidding? The position that we were in before I had left, the place we were; well that wasn't any better than where we were now. In fact it was worse.

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

When I had traveled back to Forks I had ignored the inevitable changes in the two of us and instead chose to set my hopes sky high, only to see them crash and burn to the ground. It was wrong of me to assume that he would take me back willingly, after everything I had put him through. It was unfair of me to believe that he should be so forgiving. I don't deserve his forgiveness.

Yet never in my life had I ever felt so dirty.  
So _used_.

I had completely and willingly given all of myself to Jacob, something that I had never done or been able to do with Edward. I put myself out there in one of the most vulnerable positions I had ever been in. and it had all been thrown back in my face.

"_This was a mistake"_

A mistake?! It was far from it. That moment when Jacob and I connected, I mean truly connected, mind, body, soul, and all of that; well it was the single most beautiful moment of my life. We didn't just have sex, we made love. And now that I had, had him I only wanted more. I knew then and there that I would never love another in the way that I love him. I would never touch another man nor let another man touch me in that way. If I had to remain celibate for the rest of my pathetic existence than I would do it. I wanted Jacob and only Jacob for the rest of my life.

It felt like hours had passed before I could finally drag myself up off the floor and up the stairs o the bathroom. I needed a shower, a way to cleanse myself of everything Jacob; he was all over my skin. No matter how much I wanted to relive our time together over and over again…I wouldn't, I couldn't take the pain.

"_This was a mistake"_

I welcomed the scalding heat of the water as it poured over my body. I scrubbed roughly at my skin in attempts to rid my body of the memory of him; his touch, his taste, his smell. The only thing I could hear were the gasps and groans that emitted from his lips as we moved together. As hard as I tried I couldn't block the images and instead allowed them to flood my mind.

My skin was fast approaching pink and raw when I couldn't take it any longer. The heat was too much to take, too much of a reminder.

I sunk to the floor of the shower and rotated the faucet to cold and let the vicious cold hands engulf me, reminding myself that someone somewhere out there still wanted me; still loved me.

Even though I no longer loved them.

******

I returned to work four days later fresh faced and determined. I realized that what Jake was putting me through was completely unfair; wrong.

After my shower I spent hours sitting in my room doing absolutely nothing but thinking. I spent all of my time for the rest of the day, and the next three days, analyzing and picking apart my current situation. I needed a plausible solution to this problem. I needed something, anything that could put things right between us.

"Hey there darling" a raspy voice spoke to me as I entered the diner from the kitchen doors.

"Hey Zeke," I smiled at him, placing a mug of coffee on the countertop in front of him.

Zeke was a regular, a kind and familiar face.

"How you doin' today, lady?" He asked taking a large gulp.

I couldn't help but smile at the small dribble of straight black coffee that dribbled down his chin.

"I'm doing well," I replied and handed him a napkin. He wiped at his chin and smiled. I was suddenly taken aback at how genuine my answer sound and felt.

"Well that' wonderful Bella," He smiled and reached over the counter and took my hand lightly in his. "It's good to have you back honey, did I ever tell you that?" laugh

I laughed and squeezed his hand. "Everyday Zeke, everyday."

He let out a hearty laugh as I turned and walked away. "Well it's true kid, so true!"

I threw him a smile over my shoulder and moved behind the counter towards Yolanda. She was busy behind the register chatting up the Crawford couple; more regulars.

That's what I loved about working at the diner, the sense and feeling of family that the restaurant held. I had met and grown close to so many people just from working at the diner. To me the diner was a second home away from home for me, the first being La Push.

My heart suddenly clenched as if deprived of oxygen.

Well it had been La Push.

I quickly steadied myself and smoothed out my apron. I could not and would not let him have this affect on me. Jacob Black from here on out would not be the source of labored breathing, furious crying, or weakened knees any longer. He would not be the death of me.

"Bella!" Yolanda called to me as I walked towards her the Crawford's were long gone. "You've got a customer at table three."

I nodded and turned on the spot. I stopped confusion fear washing over me; but mostly fear.

Jacob may not be the death of me, but Leah Clearwater sure would be.

I had no idea nor did I possess any desire to understand or know why she was sitting in the diner at that very moment. Did the wolves of La Push have nothing better to do then torment me? In all honesty I was scared to death of Leah. Sure she's a female like me but she's a wolf, strong, agile, beautiful, and did I mention that she's a wolf?

I shuffled my feet slowly in attempts to prolong our inevitable encounter. My attempts were futile as I found myself standing before her a lot sooner than I would have liked.

"U-um, can-can I start you off with something to drink?" I mumbled pathetically to her.

Leah remained silent for a moment, her eyes roaming over the menu in her hands. I shifted uncomfortably on my feet.

"Relax Swan" She said in a surprisingly calm and almost friendly voice. "I won't bite."

"Yeah well I don't know that,"

I quickly clamped a hand over my mouth, my face growing warm and what I assumed to be fire engine red. Did I really just say that out loud?

Leah allowed a tiny chuckle to escape her wile a smirk of amusement played on the corner of her lips.

"Yes," She placed her menu down and turned to smile at me. I took a step back. "Well I guess you wouldn't know that," Her smile grew bigger, 'causing me to take another step back.

Leah quirked her brow, "Geez Swan, I thought you'd have grown a pair by now."

"E-excuse me?" I was flabbergasted; embarrassed.

"Well I mean, you show up unannounced, unexpected" She folded her hands and looked out the window, "And then you steal Jacob for a day and night…" She paused and the trained her eyes back on me. "And then you sleep with him."

My jaw slackens and my knees shake.

"I mean that takes some guts" She smirked. "I thought maybe you'd grown a set to go along with those guts."

"W-what?" I stutter.

".." She said very slowly, speaking to me as if I'd just learned English.

"I-I don't-I don't know what you're talking about" I splutter.

"Oh come on _Bells_" I cringe. "I could smell you all over him the other morning,"

"Well we did hang out," I threw my hands up in the air, trying to trick her into believing me. She gave me a look that told me she wasn't buying it. "But that was like four days ago! I haven't seen him since."

"You did a lot more than hang out," she laughed.

I was beginning to grow tired of Leah and I didn't want to deal with her. What right has she coming down here to interrogate me and accuse me of things she had no idea or proof of?

"Prove it." I boldly stated, folding my arms across my chest.

Leah arched her brows once more and shrugged her shoulders.

"Ok, if you want me to." She laughed and then suddenly shook herself out, as if in preparation for a big game. "You asked for it."

And ask for it I did.

The next two minutes could possibly be counted as the most embarrassing two minutes of my entire life. Leah proceeded to impersonate and attempt to act out everything that had transpired between Jacob and me that night, the night when I had fully given myself over to him. I stood there mortified and beyond speechless as she recounted the event with pleasure shining in her eyes. She was loving this; torturing me.

When she was finished I was all but forced to sit down in the booth across from her. My eyes were wide in shock and embarrassment.

"H-how…how-"

"I saw it, everything."

I choked on my own saliva.

"W-what?" I shouted.

"I saw you and Jake, together." She said as she fiddled around with a napkin, tearing little strips off here and there.

"B-but how? I mean he doesn't phase anymore right?" I was in hysterics by the end of my sentence.

He had stopped phasing, I was sure of it. His body was cooler he drove instead of running, all of it pointed towards him being human now.

I was so wrapped up with my internal battle that I couldn't see the laughter rolling off of Leah. When I looked up at her, her shoulders were shaking, her eyes filled with tears of laughter.

"Hey," I scolded trying to get her attention. She ignored me and instead clutched at her stomach, wrapping her arms around her midsection. I couldn't help but notice that she wasn't doing it out of pain or loss.

I was growing extremely annoyed now. "Hey!" I shouted slapping my hand onto the table.

All laughter ceased immediately, Leah's eyes glaring at me but I wasn't backing down.

"This isn't funny," I gritted through my teeth. "How did you see us?"

Leah glared at me and then her eyes softened suddenly. She sat back within her seat and let out a heavy sigh.

"I saw you through your window," She said abashedly. My guess was she didn't want to seem like some kind of creeper.

"Leah, what were you doing at my _second story_ window?"

"Look I'm not some kind of creeper or peeping Tom ok? I was coming to see you," She stated. "I wanted to talk to you."

"Leah, not to sound rude or anything," I started. "But what could you possible want to talk to me about?"

Leah looked down at the table and folded her hands in her lap. I could still hear the steady tear of the napkin.

"Imprinting," She whispered. "I wanted to talk to you about imprinting."

**** **

Leah and I were going to talk about imprinting.

Imprinting. Leah. Me. Talk.

I couldn't seem to wrap my head around this as I steadily worked the rest of the day. After Leah had ordered her large bacon double cheeseburger to go, complete with a hearty side of fries and a vanilla milkshake, "to dip the fries in," she had concluded, Leah and I were going to discuss imprinting.

Just the mere thought of it made my knees weak.

Since Leah technically wasn't supposed to be in Forks or anywhere near me I couldn't help but feel a great gratification towards her for risking her tail…literally.

We agreed to talk after my shift was over. We were going to grab something to eat further into town. I knew that Leah would be hungry once more by the time I was done with work.

Though I knew this conversation was going to be difficult I knew that the hardest part of the conversation for me was going to be discussing what had transpired between Jacob and me. I felt dirty, used, and cheap; like some common whore. I had slept with a man who was involved in another relationship. Albeit the sex was great, amazing in fact, it still didn't justify my actions, our actions; what we did was wrong, no matter how much we enjoyed it.

"Bella are you alright?" Yolanda asked me as I cleared off my last table.

I was far from alright. The last table I had the "pleasure" of waiting on had been a large family of six, two parents and four children; four little annoying good for nothing brats.

"I'm just peachy," I grumbled as I wiped at the many ketchup stains on the table.

I could feel Yolanda's gaze burning into my back as I worked relentlessly at the stains.

"Here, let me get that," Yolanda reached over and took the soiled rag from my hand and began deftly working at the table. I let out a sigh of thanks and plopped down into the booth, my head falling into my sore hands.

"Maybe you should take some time off," Yolanda suggested.

"Thanks but no thanks," I replied as I sat and watched her work.

She scrubbed at the table in silence and granted me the privacy of my thoughts. Yolanda had always been there for me when I needed her, to lend an ear to listen or to offer space when need be. This was one of those times.

Since the day I had returned to working in the diner I had wanted to confide in Yolanda so badly, to tell her everything that had transpired in my life when I had first moved from Arizona to Forks. I wanted to divulge in her the secrets of the supernatural that lurked in the town of Forks and within Washington, within the world more importantly. I wanted to tell her how I had fallen madly in love with a vampire which had set off a chain of events that even the Queen of all things bizarre would not believe. I wanted to tell her how I had fallen for my best friend who just happened to be a werewolf. Yeah Yolanda along with every other member of the Diner staff knew I loved Jacob but they didn't know just how deeply my love for him ran.

"Bella," Yolanda said softly, pulling me from my thoughts.

"Hmm?"

"Um, don't…I don't want you to think of me as I meddler when I say this, but…" Yolanda fumbled over her words, wringing the dish rag in her hands.

"Landie just spit it out," I chuckled grabbing onto her hand to cease the chokehold on the dishrag.

"Do you want me to talk to Jacob for you?" She asked with a sheepish grin, her shoulders shrugged.

"No!" I quickly responded, shaking my head quickly. "Oh, God no!"

"Ok, ok" Yolanda laughed holding her hands up.

"Oh, I'm sorry I just don't think it could do any good," I groaned throwing my head in my hands. "It's ."

"Nothing's ever really over though kid," She said as she plopped into the seat across from me.

"No believe me, this is over," I grumbled and fought the onslaught of tears that so desperately wanted to spill.

"Just give it time," she retaliated.

I sat back into my seat with a huff and crossed my arms over my chest.

"I've given this nothing but time." I mumbled and ran a shifty hand through my hair. "Clearly Jacob has moved on…and I need to do the same."

Yolanda let out a hefty sigh and shook her head.

"The two of you or so damn stubborn," She growled. "It's really quite irksome."

"I'm sorry?" I mumbled, not sure why this was upsetting her. If it should be upsetting anyone it would be me. And I'm not stubborn, Jake is.

"You should be," I sat forward quickly my mouth opened to retaliate but she held up a hand to silence. "Let me finish Bella, please."

I nodded my head reluctantly and sat back.

"Bella this whole, dance and avoiding each other the two of you have got going on is tiring everyone out; Billy especially." I lowered my eyes to the table in shame. "Why can't the two of you just talk it out, speak to one another properly?"

"Because-"

"That was rhetorical Bella," She grumbled. I shut my mouth again. "It has come to light that Jacob just gave you a house?" Her words were dripping with confusion, all I could do was nod. "Now if that isn't love than I don't know what is. And it's all just so crazy because the two of you are so in love with each other that it hurts everyone else around you that you two or doing this whole charade."

"Well he's with Lana." I managed to interject.

"Yes I know that-"

"Then why does everyone insist on me being the other woman?" I shouted at her, earning us a few stares from the customers.

I sat back in my seat and hid my face in shame.

"Listen Bella,"

"No," I grumbled. "I don't want to talk about it anymore."

"Alright fine," Yolanda held her hands up in a defeated manner and removed herself from the booth. She turned to walk away from the booth and then stopped. "He still asks about you, you know." She whispered. "I don't care what you or anyone else thinks Jake still loves you; he still cares about you."

I turned my head away from her to the hide the tears as she walked away to resume her duties behind the counter.

"_He still cares about you"_

And I still cared about him.  
It just didn't matter anymore.

******

I found Leah sitting out on the bench located in front of the diner, with two cups of ice cream in her hand.

She had waited like she promised.

I'll admit that I was hesitant as I approached her. The wanting to talk to me was already enough for me to handle, and now ice cream to go with it? I wasn't sure if I could trust the smile that she had plastered on her face as I approached her.

"Hey," I spoke with a raised eyebrow.

Leah smiled and offered up the cup in her left hand; mint chocolate chip, my favorite.

"Peace offering," She said, lifting her hand to me once more.

I took the cup from her and plopped down onto the bench next to her as she dug into her cup, which resembled cookie dough.

"Thanks, I guess," I mumbled picking up the spoon.

"Jake told me it's your favorite," she said nonchalantly. "I thought you'd might enjoy some, maybe loosen you up a bit."

I choked on the spoonful I had just deposited in my mouth.

"Jacob knows you're here?" I blanched.

Leah laughed. "Don't be stupid Bella," she roared. "None of us are even supposed to go anywhere near you"

"Oh" ouch. That hurt.

"You know, _Alpha_ orders" she rolled her eyes and dug back into her ice cream.

I took that statement into thought and felt a bit hurt and angry. But I guess I couldn't really blame Sam for wanting to keep the pack away from me. I was bad news, bad business, always causing trouble; Bella Swan walking natural disaster.

"So I guess everyone hates me now don't they?"

"Yup pretty much," She said still continuing to chow down on her ice cream. As I looked at her I suddenly realized that her bowl was slightly bigger than mine.

She really didn't sugar coat anything.

I crossed my legs and settled into my seat, I knew this was quickly turning into a long night.

We sat in silence for a good ten minutes as we finished our ice cream. I presumed that Leah was waiting to speak to me to make me sweat it out, to catch me off guard maybe.

After the sound of her spoon scraping the bottom of the bowl began to wear on my very last nerves Leah finally decided to speak up.

"You know it's not just because you left Jake," Leah spoke, looking down into her empty bowl.

"What?"

"The reason why everyone hates you," She stated. "It's not just because you left Jake."

"Then why do they?" I was confused.

"It's because you left us Bella," She whispered training her devastated gaze on me. My heart sunk into the pits of my stomach. "Because you left the pack"

She was right. They all were right. I had deserted them.

"It was kind of like a slap in the face you know?" She mumbled.

And I did know. It was so unbearably hard for me to sit here and listen to Leah confess her hurt over what I had done. Leah was never and has never been one to show anything other than pure strength…and sometimes anger.

"I mean after we helped you with that filthy Italian bloodsucker mafia," She went on. "We just thought that maybe you'd stick around with us,"

"Leah you know how thankful I am for what all of you did for me but I was married to Edward," I whispered. "I was already with him."

"Bella I'm not stupid you know," She suddenly hissed. "So don't treat me like I am."

"I don't know what you're talking about," I stuttered.

Oh God, she couldn't know. She didn't know did she?

"I know what you did Bella, that night before you left to go after Edward," She scolded me like a young child. "Or did you already forget about that?"

I shook my head no and tore my eyes from her. My breaths were now coming in short gasps and my stomach was churning. I looked to the sky and tried to steady myself as that one particular night came rushing back to me, engulfing me within the memory, drowning me.

"You told him you chose Bella," She mumbled, her words suddenly filled with grief and hurt. "You told Jacob _you chose him_,"

I choked on a sob and my body collapsed forward onto my knees. I clutched at the roots of my hair and cried.

"You told him and then you left."

******

**A/N: Soooo love me or hate me? **

**Please say you love me :D**

**Umm if you have any questions that you would like to be answered within the next chapter shoot me a review or pm and I'll see what I ca do about it. I'm starting a new thing of trying to reply to every review I get. Soooo go review please!**

**Love you lots!**

**Xoxo**

**B**

**Oh p.s. The lyrics used in the beginning of the chapter are from a song called All In My Head by Find Vienna. It's a really great band of a group of guys that I went to high school with. Check them out on myspace at **

**www[dot]myspace[dot]com[slash]findvienna**

**Do it! They're amazing!**


	9. Broken Promises Pt1

**A/N: My sincerest apologies for the unbelievably long and unnecessary wait. I've just been so busy with finals and everything. But good news, my semester is OVER! And now I am home on break and I have more time to focus on writing =) I believe this calls for a celebration **

………**.Dancing………….singing…………….more dancing……………jumping around…..and more dancing….**

**OK I think I'm done. So yes, here is the long awaited Ninth chapter. I hope you like it, it's taken me FOREVER to write, and as always, I'm not that happy with it because I wanted to fit in a WHOLE lot more, but I think I've given you a good amount of food for thought. And since I didn't get to fit everything into it like I wanted to, I must once again split this into two separate parts, sorry =( **

**But things to look forward to in the next chapter….**

**An appearance by the Vampire we all LOVE to hate….yes ladies and gents?(don't know if dudes read ) Mr. Edward Cullen will be featured within the next chapter. **

**The REAL reason why Bella left**

**And an appearance by a certain smug little bitch that I call Lana ;)**

**Ooooooo and the Drama really begins! Hahahaha!**

**Until then, happy reading!**

******

"_Look outside it's already light, _

_And the stars ran away with the night.  
Things were said, words that we'll try to forget.  
It's so hard to admit,  
I know we're made mistakes.  
I see through all the tears,  
But that's what got us here." _

_-The Afters_

**Chapter 9**

**Broken Promises Pt.1**

I stared at Leah, my eyes wide. I was dumbfounded, shocked beyond belief.

She knew.  
Everyone knew.

I shook my head to clear my thoughts and turned away from her. My breaths had become shaky as I was hit with a particular memory that I had desperately tried to ignore for so many years. Yet it had always found a way back to me, haunting me in my sleep and in my waking moments.

_**3 years earlier**_

_I fumbled with my keys in my desperate attempt to put them in the ignition. I knew that I only had so much time. _

"_C'mon!" I yelled at myself forcing my shaking hands to steady. _

_They were all out on a hunting trip, reviving their "tired" bodies after the battle that we had just endured. _

_Carlisle, Esme, Emmett, Rosalie, Jasper, Alice, and Edward, all of them had gone off, leaving me alone with my thoughts inside that vast white empty house. I more than anyone knew that time alone meant time thinking. And thinking was never good for me. _

_As I sat alone in their living room and surveyed the cold surroundings I had suddenly been hit with a longing for warmth and light, laughter and life. Being given the chance to explore the Cullen's home without prying eyes was something that I was dying to do, though I had only just discovered this desire. _

_I had removed myself from the couch and made my way through the house, stopping in each bedroom and taking in my surroundings. _

_Each room was impeccably furnished and designed to perfection, with everything in its place, nothing out of line. It was so __**inhuman**__ and foreign to me that I was shocked by the feeling of disgust and resentment I felt in that moment. How could they live like this? How could anyone go through life in the way that they did? _

_It all felt so foreign and strange to me that I would be harboring these thoughts within my mind. I knew that had it not been for the previous battle that had only occurred four days earlier, I would not be feeling this way. _

_The battle had not only been for my life.  
But for my humanity. Had I never been meant to become immortal?  
Had I never really wanted it in the first place? _

_After I rifled through my family in-law's bedroom I made my way towards Edward's- no _our_ room. It alone was the only room in the house that looked as if someone spent any sort of amount of time within it. The sheets of the bed were ruffled and worn; warm from the previous occupation of a human body upon it; the warmth of _my body_. There were clothes strewn hastily about the floor; I couldn't help but notice that every article of clothing was mine._

_And I had felt a sudden loss and ache in my heart when I realized that soon this room would like just like the others, cold, vacant…__**dead**__. _

_My eyes swept towards the bed once more and I was overcome with the feeling of exhaustion. _

_Sleep. I craved sleep.  
Could I really spend an eternity without sleep? _

_It was the many questions like these that flew through my brain all of a sudden that prompted my last minute decision to head for La Push. It was those questions that led me to the doorstep of my best friend; to the home of Jacob Black. _

_It was a miracle to me that I had made it to La Push in the first place, what with all the trouble my car keys had been giving me; if only my hands hadn't been so shaky. But I made it, I had beaten Alice; I had beaten the odds. _

"_Bella?" Jacob said with raised brows when he opened the door and found me standing on his front porch. "What are you doing here?" _

"_I-I needed to see you," I managed to mumble as I stared at my feet. _

_Jacob hesitated and his feet shifted beneath him. I chanced a glance at him and his eyes softened immediately once they connected with mine. _

_I was then pulled into the house quickly and engulfed within his warm embrace in a matter of seconds. My body stiffened in surprise but soon relaxed and I sunk into the heat of him, wrapping my arms around his strong middle. I let out a sigh of content and buried my face into his chest. _

"_It's been too long Bells," He whispered into my hair. _

_I closed my eyes and willed my tears away, trying to ignore the hurt in his voice._

"_It's only been four days Jake," I attempted to joke. Four days…_

"_Too long," He repeated, finishing my thought out loud. _

_I laughed lightly and buried myself further into him. As I stood there wrapped in his arms he gently ran his hands up and down my back, soothing out the knots and kinks that had only just then decided to show. _

"_God you're tense," He said laughing. He pulled me away from his body and looked down into my eyes. "Let me take care of it?" _

_I nodded wordlessly and followed him dutifully to the living room when he took my hand in his. He plopped himself onto his couch and placed a pillow on the floor in between his legs and gestured for me to sit down. I crossed my arms and raised a brow at him. _

"_What?" He questioned shrugging his shoulders. _

_I shook my head and moved forward reaching over his head to the blanket that lay on the back of the couch. I could feel him suddenly stiffen and take in a sharp breath as my body hovered right above his. I silently sighed as I felt the warmth of his breath caress my neck as he breathed in my scent. Out of the corner of my eye I could see his hands slowly creeping forward to grab my waist, and I stepped back reluctantly and smoothed out the blanket onto the carpet that rested on the hardwood floor in front of the couch. _

_I was __**married**__; we couldn't play these games anymore. _

_I noticed the way that Jacob watched me with heavy eyelids as I placed two pillows on the ground and proceeded to stretch my body out on the blanket, laying flat on my stomach. He sat still for a minute unsure of what to do. _

_I was feeling daring. _

"_Well," I said, jolting him out of his state of shock, "Are you going to take care of it or not?" _

_He opened and closed his mouth a good amount of four times before scrambling off of the couch and over to my side. _

"_Right sorry," He mumbled as he attempted to situate himself around me. _

_This new self conscious and unsure Jacob was endearing, reminding me so much of who he__** used**__ to be; before all the magic and folklore. _

_I chuckled to myself as he attempted to massage my shoulders while awkwardly hovering over me from the side. _

"_Jake?" _

"_Hmm,"_

"_You can get comfortable," I laughed. "I promise I won't bite."_

_Where was this coming from? _

_He took in a sharp breath. "Oh, um-um I'm, I'm ok." He stuttered, continuing to massage me from an awkward angle. _

"_Jake." I said once more, my voice demanding this time around. _

"_Right, sorry." He mumbled. _

_I almost let out a sigh of content as I felt his knees settle on either side of my body. Then when his hands returned to their work needing and squeezing the kinks out of my back I did let out a sigh of content and let my head roll forward onto the pillow in front of me. _

_As he moved his hands expertly up and down and around my back I couldn't help the quiet moans and gasps of pleasure that escaped my lips. As his hands moved upward and brushed my hair from my neck and began to go to work on the muscle there, prodding and dancing lightly across my skin I let out a strangled "Jake," as shivers ran up and down my spine. _

_He laughed deeply, "You like that?" _

"_Mmm," Was my only response. _

_As he worked diligently on my back thoughts of Edward, my husband, were the furthest thing from my mind. The battle with the Volturi really had done wonders on my views of life and death and love in the past four days. _

_When the Volturi arrived they arrived with a grace and vengeance so frightening all thoughts of survival had immediately been wiped from my mind. The battle was brutal and the losses fatal. Surprisingly enough no one close to me, in the pack, and the Cullen's were lost. The losses had only been felt in the numerous numbers of friends that had showed up to defend the Cullen's and me. An even heavier loss was felt in the Volturi. _

_It had been Jacob that had dealt the final blow to the Volturi. Somehow in all of the chaos he had managed to get his hands…or paws on Aro, ending his life before he was even given the chance to experience the thoughts and memories of Jacob. Once Aro was gone and discarded the power of the Volturi diminished and all hope was lost for them. _

_Jane and Alec the only survivors of the battle, fled immediately with unspoken promises of peace and tranquility. _

"_They won't be bothering us anymore," Alice had spoken once the battle was over. _

"_Bella?" Jacob spoke my name pulling me from my thoughts. _

"_Yeah?" I turned to look at him. _

"_Are you ok? You're crying." He said, with sadness in his eyes. _

_I looked at him, confusion washing over my face until I felt the sudden dampness of tears on my cheek. I wiped at my eyes and stared at my wet hands in wonderment. And then it all hit me like a ton of bricks. _

_The fight, Edward leaving, Victoria, the wedding, the Volturi, life and death and Jacob. Everything was rushing at me at full force, consuming me and drowning me within my choices and mistakes, my decisions and guilt; my __**doubts**__. _

_I let out a loud racking sob and collapsed onto my stomach successfully curling up into a ball. I clutched my hair in my hands tightly as I cried and sobbed into the floor. _

"_Bells its ok," Jacob said trying to sooth me as he gathered me up into my arms. "You're ok, everything's ok." _

_I threw myself into him and clutched at his waist tightly pulling him tight against me. How could I have ever let him go? How could I have abandoned him so easily? _

"_I'm so sorry," I blubbered into his chest. _

"_Bella what are you sorry for?" He asked, pulling my face away from his chest, staring deeply into my eyes. "You're safe, I'm safe; everything is __**fine**__." _

"_B-But you're not," I blubbered shaking my head. _

"_What are you talking about, I'm __**fine **__Bella" his voice was pained and he struggled over his words. He knew what I was getting at; he knew where this conversation was heading. _

"_Jake I'm so sor-" _

"_Bells please don't do this," He begged, suddenly pulling my hands away from his body. I let out a whimper and reached for him again, but he slid me off of his lap, taking refuge on the couch away from me. _

_He sat on the couch, his back hunched forward, his elbows resting on his knees, and his face buried within his hands. _

"_Jake I-"_

"_Don't," He lifted his eyes to me and they were filled with tears. "There's no need to hurt me anymore." _

_I fumbled for words to retaliate against him. _

"_I-I, I never meant to hurt you," I pathetically mumbled. "I never wanted-" _

"_Why are you here Bella?" He suddenly demanded of me. The tears were gone, suddenly replaced with anger and malice. _

"_I-I don't know," I admitted. _

"_**Bullshit**__, why are you here?" he repeated. _

"_Jake please, I just want…" I choked on my words and grasped at the roots of my hair. "I want you…"_

"_What more could you possibly want of me Bella?" he scolded me like a child. I shrunk away from his hard glare. "I've already given you __**everything**__." _

_I folded my hands in my lap trying to ignore the incessant ache in my heart. ._

"_I don't know what to say,"_

"_Then don't say anything at all." He hissed. "I have given you every part of my heart Bella and you tore it to __**pieces**__," I flinched and brought my arm to wrap around my center. The dull ache that had disappeared upon Edward's return had reappeared, though this time for other reasons. _

"_Jake, I know and I'm sor-," _

"_Do you know Bella? Do you really know? Because I don't think you have the faintest idea of what you did to me,"_

"_I have a pretty good idea Jacob!" I retaliated looking up at him. "You __**never**__ fail to remind me."_

"_You have no idea!" He screamed, clenching at the roots of his hair, practically ripping them from his scalp. He quickly stood to his feet. "You have no idea what you did to me the day you married him, the day you said 'I do'-" He threw his hands to his side and then pointed an accusatory finger at me. "And then you come crawling back here after everything that you did; what you put me through! You can't have everything Bella; you can't be __**selfish**__!" _

"_That's not fair and you know it!" I cried, scrambling to my own feet to face him. _

"_Not fair!" He roared. I cringed and backed away slightly as his tall shaking frame towered over me. "What isn't fair is how you used me!" _

"_It's not my fault Jacob!" I screamed. "If you had just backed off-"_

"_Oh that's real rich __**Isabella**__," he hissed, I cringed at the use of my full name. "That's so you, to always shift the blame on to someone else-"_

"_It is not me!"_

"_You never had the spine to stick up for what you believe in, always too much of a __**coward**__ to fight for what you want-"_

_I hadn't even registered what I had done until I felt a stinging pain in my hand and saw the look of bewilderment on Jacob's face as he held the side of his face in his hands. _

_I had __**hit**__ him…again. _

_I cupped my mouth and bit back a sob, my eyes wide with surprise and regret. Jacob trained his eyes on me and shook his head, turning to walk away from me. _

"_Jake! Oh God, Jake!" I cried clinging to his arm, desperately trying to pull him back to me. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry I didn't mean it!" I grabbed at his hands as he attempted to tug his arm away from me._

"_Get out," he stated coldly, tugging his arm free from me and dropping down onto the couch. _

"_No," I whispered, tears spilling from my eyes. _

"_I said get out," his voice was hard and cold. _

_I dropped to my knees before and cupped his face in my hands, he pulled away from me. _

"_Jake please," I begged him reaching for him once more. He moved his hands forward and grabbed my wrists tightly preventing me from touching him. "I love you-" _

"_Stop it!" He roared in my face, shaking me. "Just stop it, ok! You don't love me. You don't want me, so stop trying to convince yourself that you do! Stop trying to ease your guilt over my pain!" He threw my hands away from him and stood from the couch walking to stand in front of his fireplace. _

_I stared at him dumbfounded but then felt a sweltering heat of anger rise within my chest. _

"_I'm not trying to ease my guilt!" I screamed back at him as I stood to face him once more. He stood with his hands on his hips, his head bowed and shoulders tense. "I'm trying to tell you that I love you, that I want to be with you!" _

_He turned to face me his eyes wide. "You're lying," _

"_God, I'm not, __**I swear to you**__ Jake! I love you and only you," I cried. "I know I was stupid, I know I was wrong, God I know I was wrong. I should have picked you. I shouldn't have married Edward!" _

_He took a step away from me, unsure of what to say. _

_I continued on, "I regret everything, all of it; the wedding, becoming a Cullen, leading you on, hurting you, __**leaving**__ you" I gasped for air against my sobs. "I regret giving up everything, Charlie, Renee, Billy, everyone at school. I was stupid to think that everything could be the same. I was a fool to think that I could ever get over you, that I could ever __**stop loving you**__; I know I was." I clutched my hands to my chest and stared him dead on in the eyes. "I can't stop loving you, I could never do that; it's impossible." _

_Jacob looked away from me. _

"_You already chose," He whispered. "I can't give you more than I already have," _

_I took a step towards him and reached for his face, he grabbed my wrists, preventing me once more from touching his face; but I didn't fight him this time. _

"_I want to right my wrongs," I whispered, my words drowning in my tears, as I stared down at me feet. "I want to pick right this time. I want my family, the pack, Charlie, Renee and Billy. I want children, I want to grow old, I want to __**die**__." I could feel him flinch at that choice, but I spurred on. "I want to feel pain, I want to cry, laugh, hurt and __**love**__." His hands clenched on my wrists as I raised my eyes to meet his. They were filled with tears that threatened to spill over any second. "I-I want air and trees, daylight, warmth and the __**sun**__." I choked on a sob, as a single tear fell from his eyes. "I want you Jacob, I want__** life**__." _

_He was silent as he stared me down for a moment and then his eyes softened, his hands falling way from my wrists letting me pull his face into my hands. My heart broke as I felt the warmth of his tears falling onto my hands and trailing down my wrists. I leaned forward and kissed away each tear. _

"_I love you Jacob," I whispered against his warm cheek, slick with tears. "I always have and always will; I want you, I choose you." _

_He let out a strangled sob and crashed his lips onto mine, kissing me with everything he had left in him; spilling all of his pain, hurt, doubts, relief and love in to one single kiss. _

"_I love you Bella," He gasped, our tears mingling upon our lips. "Always," _

"Bella! Bella!" Leah yelled at me from her spot on the bench, pulling me from the heart wrenching memory. Her grip was gentle on my shoulder but the force behind her shaking was not.

But nothing could oppress the tears, nothing could erase the pain.

"Bella say something please!" She cried, collapsing to her knees before me on the ground. "It's ok, it's alright; I know you're sorry for leaving."

I shook my head, my hands shaking as they ripped at my hair.

"Y-you don't u-understand," I gasped out. "God!" I cried as I clutched at my heart, the stabbing pain growing unbearable; I couldn't breathe.

"Then help me understand," Leah pleaded. "Help me understand why you left."

"I-I-I" I couldn't get the words out, my heart pounding, my world turning. "I d-didn't have to leave, I _never_ had to leave."

"Then why did you Bella?" Her voice was calm yet hard. I knew she was desperately trying not to take my head off, after that one particular confession.

"Y-You have to understand," I turned to her begging. "I-I was o-only doing what I thought was right,"

"Just tell me Bella," She whispered, grabbing onto my hand and squeezing it tightly. "Why did you leave?"

_**3 years earlier  
The Morning After **_

_I awoke the next morning with the sun shining through the window falling on my eyes and with a smile on my face. I felt warm, all over. I turned onto my side facing the center of the bed and found myself face to face with the source of the warmth, Jacob. _

_He was curled up on his side facing me. As soon as I had shifted to face him the arm that was draped across my waist pulled me tightly to him so that my face was planted firmly against his chest, my lips resting right above his heart. _

_My smile grew as I heard a sigh of content fall from his lips as he entwined my legs with his. I began to lightly trace patterns across his skin, placing random kisses here and there. His grip on me tightened and I snuggled closer. _

_I don't know what made me do it, but suddenly I was singing a soft tune to him as he slept; a tune that my mother had sung to me when I was a little girl. _

"_You are my sunshine, my only sunshine," I whispered against his skin. "You make me happy when skies are grey," He pulled me closer. "You'll never know dear how much I love you," I paused and looked up at his face, still smooth and unbothered by worry lines and hard creases that marred his face while he was awake. This face was __**My Jacob**__. I reached up slowly and traced the outline of his lips and then rested my palm against his cheek._

"_Please don't take my sunshine away," he whispered, turning his face into my hand and kissing my palm lightly. _

_I couldn't help but smile. "Did I wake you?" I asked, afraid that my singing had stirred him from a restful sleep. _

_He shook his head no. "I've been awake longer than you have," _

_I slapped his arm playfully and shifted my body so that my face was level with his. _

"_Jake," I cooed. _

"_Hmm?"_

"_Open your eyes?" I asked placing a tiny peck on the tip of his nose. _

"_No," He stated firmly, burying his face in my neck. _

_I laughed and ran my fingers through his short cropped hair. _

"_Why not?" I kissed his forehead and raised his head so that his closed eyes were level with mine. _

_He was silent for a moment and I thought he had fallen asleep. As I opened my mouth to reiterate my question he spoke. _

"_Because," His voice almost sounded pained. "I'm scared that if I open my eyes, I'll really be awake," he whispered and reburied his face in my neck. "And this would have all been a dream." _

_My heart heaved and my eyes welled up. _

"_It's not a dream," I said in attempts to comfort him. "I promise."_

"_Pinky promise?" He mumbled. _

_I reached for his hand and interlocked my pinky with his, placing a kiss upon my fist and bringing his to his mouth to perform the same task. _

"_Pinky promise," I stated as he kissed his own fist. _

_Seconds later, my eyes were met with the warm rich brown of his eyes, so filled with love and joy that it almost hurt to look at. _

_Almost, being the key word. _

_To have Jake look at me in the way he was, that "I'll love you forever, thanks for making me the happiest man alive" look. _

_I could wake up to that look for the rest of my life. _

"_What are you thinking?" he asked me. _

_I shrugged, "Nothing special…Just that I could stay here forever, wake up every morning just like this," _

_He smiled my smiled and placed a swift kiss on my lips. _

"_Nothing special huh?" He laughed. _

_I placed my hands on either side of his face and stared deeply into his eyes, searching for his soul. _

"_What are you thinking?" I averted his question upon him. _

"_Nothing special," he said, smiling as he reiterated my own words. _

"_Sometimes I wish I could read your mind-" I suddenly choked on my words and sat bolt upright in bed. _

"_Bella, honey what's wrong?" _

_Read his mind. Read my mind.  
Edward. _

"_Shit!" I swore, flinging the covers off of me and scrambling out of Jacob's bed. "Shit, shit, shit!" _

"_Bells?" Jacob quirked a brow at me as I scrambled around his room in search for my socks and shoes. _

"_I-I have to go," _

"_Where could you possibly need to go right now?" _

_He was standing directly in front of me suddenly, his arms crossed tight against his chest, the muscle of his biceps bulging. _

_I gulped inwardly and avoided his eyes. _

"_You're going back to __**him**__ aren't you?" He hissed, taking a faulty step away from me. "Unbelievable!" _

"_No, Jake, Go no!" I cried, instinctively reaching for his hand to draw him to me. He took my hand reluctantly and allowed my small frame to pull him towards me, burying my face into his chest. "It's not like that at all." I admonished. _

_He wrapped his arms tightly around my shoulders and buried his face within my hair. _

"_Then why are you leaving?" He mumbled. _

_I could feel the slight tremors of his body, his nerves overworking; he was nervous, scared that I was leaving for good, permanently. _

"_They'll know already won't they?" he questioned. "The little one, she would have 'seen' it right?" _

_I nodded silently and gripped his t-shirt tightly in my fists, readying myself for the onslaught of anger that was sure to follow my next words. _

"_I owe them an explanation," I whispered. "I need to see them…him." _

_His body stiffened, then relaxed to my surprise. If possible, he buried his face further into my hair inhaling my scent, his grip around me tightening. _

"_You don't owe him anything," _

"_Of course I do-"_

"_He'll get over it-"_

"_Don't be ridic-"_

_He pulled away from me suddenly and stared into my eyes. The look upon his face nearly broke me. _

"_I don't want you to go Bells," He pleaded. "Just stay here, ok?" _

_Tears filled my eyes. "Jake, I have to go." _

_His head dropped in defeat and came to rest against mine, his forehead hot against my own. _

"_Please, stay for me" He whispered. "I'm begging you," _

_I sob tore through chest as I recounted a moment in which he had pleaded with me to not leave him; though this time the situation was different. I was such a fool back then to chase after Edward, leaving behind the one thing I should have never left. _

_I would come back to him; I swore to it.  
Jacob needed to know that; he __**had**__ to know it. _

_I raise two shaky hands and held his face and kissed away the tear that had escaped his eye, and then trailed kisses along his jaw, to his nose, then over his tightly closed eyes to come to a rest upon his forehead. _

"_I love you Jacob," I said against his forehead. He let out a ragged breath. "I'll come back to you, I promise."_

"But you didn't go back," Leah stated. "Instead you went after that God damn leech,"

I nodded my head solemnly and wrapped my arms tighter around me.

I had recounted the event of that morning to her, how I had woken up so happy and elated next to Jacob; how I had wished for every future morning to be just like that.

"Why did you go after him?" She questioned.

I knew that now was the time to give her an answer. She had sat patiently through everything and listened to my crying and wails of guilt and hatred towards myself.

"I was scared Leah," I admitted and looked up at her. "I left because I was foolish and scared to attempt a life without Edward."

"But that still doesn't explain anything," She spat out, annoyed.

_I know, I know it doe-_

"No, no it doesn't, does it?"

Leah looked up shocked, for those words had not escaped my lips, that voice was not my own; too deep, too _calm_.

******

**A/N: Ahhhhh cliff hanger! So who do you think it is?!**

**On to more important things, did you like it? Did you hate it? I wouldn't blame you if you did =/ haha. Man I really need to get my self confidence in check. Lol. But yeah, I hope to have the next chapter up sooner than this one! But don't quote me! I hate making promises and then not keeping them! **

**Xoxo  
B**

**p.s. oh yeah, review please! =)**

**p.p.s. I have also made a twitter account, soooo find me there at 4EverDreamland. I'll post a link in my profile too.**


	10. Broken Promises Pt2

**A/N: MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!**

**Soooo here is chapter 10! Oh snap we're getting into the double digits now. Hot damnnnnn. Hahaha. But yeah. I wanted to give you all a Christmas present so I updated a lot sooner than I thought I would. And all though not every single one of you celebrates Christmas, well take this as a gift for whatever holiday you do celebrate :D I'm sooo excited that I'm able to get this out to you guys. Granted I didn't get everything in it that I wanted. Ok the only thing that didn't make it was Lana. But I couldn't find a good enough place to fit her in, so yeah. The God awful bitch (haha) won't be returning until the next chapter. **

**But any who I want to keep this short and sweet but clearly that isn't happening. Haha. I just want to thank you all for the lovely reviews and kind words. I know it say it all the time but it really does mean so much to me to hear (or read…?) that people like my writing. It's a HUGE ego boost, which I desperately need! Sorry I couldn't find the time to reply to any of the reviews. I've been swamped with writing this and doing last minute Christmas shopping! I know shame on me but what are ya gonna do? **

**But yeah. So I'm going to wrap this up now. Oh and if you aren't already, FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER! I have like six measly followers, so pathetic. Lol. But I love those of you who are in those six! Now talk to me! Haha. So check me out! Don't be afraid to hit me up, I'm always on!**

**Oh and that reminds me, I am now taking song requests for this story :D if there's a song that you're dying to see some writing put to it, that you think will go nicely with this fic then shoot me a PM and I'll see what I can do. No promises but I do love sharing and hearing about other peoples musical tastes. So yeah do it! **

**And clearly I LOVE Paramore. This is like the bajillionth time I've used their lyrics. And I plan on using more! hahaha**

**Anyways this A/N is ridiculously long so on with the story! Happy Reading! **

**** **

"_Maybe if my heart stops beating  
It won't hurt this much.  
And never will I have to answer,  
Again to anyone.  
Please don't get me wrong,  
Because I'll never let this go,  
But I can't find the word's to tell you,  
I don't want to be alone." _

_-Paramore_

**Chapter 10**

**Broken Promises Pt.2 **

"What the fuck are you doing here?" Leah spit out harshly.

I flinched as my eyes met the tall stoic figure towering above me.

"You know why I'm here," They calmly replied. "The real question is what are _you_ doing here?"

I guess my time away had not done its part in healing Leah and Sam's relationship.

"I'm catching up with Bella," she said it so casually, as if we'd been BFF's since the beginning of time. "I mean we're practically sisters and all," She sneered.

Oh right. Charlie and Sue…I guess that did make us close by default?

"Leah," Sam sighed impatiently.

"What the fuck is it to you anyways?" She hissed.

I flinched once more. The sudden use of foul language was strange and unnerving, wasn't Sam her Alpha? How was he putting up with this?

"It's everything to me," He whispered, his eyes holding a look of remorse.

I turned my head and raised a brow. Huh?

Leah jumped to her feet.

"The hell it is!" she cried, pushing him backwards a step. I scrambled to my feet to place myself in between the two of them. The last thing I needed was a rumble taking place in front of my job.

"Hey, hey" I said as I stepped between them. "Can we not do this here?"

Leah backed off and took her place on the bench once more to her chest, crossing her arms tightly. Sam took a step back also.

"You're right, I'm sorry Bella." He said.

My other brow joined the first.

Why was he being so nice; so calm? I thought he hated me; at least that was the impression that I received at Jacob's home that first day, and from the Alpha Order Leah had told me of. Speaking of Alpha orders…

"Leah?" She trained her steely gaze on me. "How is it that you're here? What with the Alpha order and all…" I looked back at Sam whose face had returned plain stoic.

"I'm no ones bitch now," She mumbled. I opened my mouth to retort. "Let's just leave it at that, shall we?" I nodded and looked away from her.

"And why are you here?"

Sam raised his eyes to me. "To invite you and Charlie to the bonfire we're having tomorrow night"

"What?" Leah and I shouted at the same time.

"Peace offering, sort of a welcome back," Sam replied seemingly unaffected by our outburst.

"Bullshit," Leah hissed rising to her feet to stand by my side. "What are you playing at?"

"Nothing; it's just to welcome Bella back to Forks, back to the pack."

"U-um, well t-thanks?" I stuttered out. I was way beyond confused.

"Don't listen to a word he says Bella," She gripped my elbow tightly pulling me away from Sam.

"W-why what's wrong?"

"Leah don't do this," Sam's voice had undergone a sudden drastic change from calm to hard. "I'm warning you,"

"And what are you going to do about it, huh?" She hissed back. "You can't tell me what to do; I don't follow _your orders_ anymore."

I flicked my eyes back and forth between them. I hated when people left me out of the loop.

"What's going on?"

"It's not a welcome back party or some pathetic _peace offering_ Bella," Leah kept her glare trained on Sam, whose hands were clenched tightly at his fists. His eyes spoke of betrayal and anger.

"Then what is it?" I questioned. What else could the bonfire possibly be?

"It's the Tribal Council's stupid ploy at making sure that you're still _human_; that we don't need to go on the defense." She hissed. "It's all a load of shit." She spat at his feet.

My jaw dropped and I caught a look of resentment and regret flick through Sam's eyes before it was replaced with that sudden calmness once more.

"I-Is that true?" I breathed out to Sam. "That's the only reason?"

Sam avoided my eyes and shook his head slowly.

"No,"

"Unbelievable!" Leah cried. "Bella let's go," She pulled on my arm, walking towards my car.

"Jacob wants to see you Bella," Sam spoke.

I stopped in my tracks, Leah doing the same.

"He wishes to speak with you."

"W-what?" I was shocked, hurt, happy, and elated all in one instant.

Jake wanted to see me? He actually wanted to see me?

Leah noticed the hopeful look on my face and stepped within my line of sight, blocking my view of Sam.

"Bella stop it, right now." She hissed at me, her eyes wild and fierce.

"He wants to _right his wrongs_," Sam continued.

"Jake," I breathed out.

"Bella listen to me please," She begged with me. "You can not go and see him, not now." But I was already too far gone.

I attempted to step around her but she held me in place.

"I could take you to him tonight," Sam tempted me, knowing I would fall for the bait.

"Tonight?" My voice was hopeful and light.

"Bella _please_," She begged.

"Why can't I see him Leah?" I questioned, my eyes filling with tears. "Why?"

"It's not the right time," She whispered. "Not now,"

"Let her go Leah," Sam called to her.

"You have too many things to figure out right now," She went on, ignoring him. "To go now, would be disastrous to everything."

"But…"

"Bella you have to listen to me," She continued. "I'm all for you fixing things with Jake but now _is not the time_; tomorrow night is not the time."

"Leah," Sam barked harshly.

"Fuck off!" She threw over her shoulder keeping her eyes transfixed on mine.

"I need to see him," I cried silently. "I-I-I"

"You're not ready…he's not ready."

My mouth fell open and closed a million times before I conceded to her pleas. I vaguely heard Sam curse from behind Leah and saw his shadowy form stalk off without another word.

I was confused and bewildered. What the hell had just happened?

"Leah, what is going on?" I was suddenly angered and annoyed.

"Not now," She replied, leading me to my car once more. "You need to finish explaining to me what happened." I opened my mouth to protest. "And then I'll explain." I shut my mouth and climbed into the driver's seat of my car as Leah took her place in the passenger seat.

Things were becoming increasingly odd…and I didn't like it one bit.

******

"So what happened when you went back to the bloodsucker's lair?" Leah asked me from her spot on my living room couch.

I ignored her insult towards my once family and handed her, a cup of coffee as she sat curled upon my sofa.

Charlie was out to dinner with Sue, so I had no need to keep my voice hushed as I recounted the events to her.

_**3 years earlier **_

_**The Cullen's House**_

_I pulled my car to a stop in front of their home, what used to be my home, with a heavy heart. I didn't know how I was going to break the news to Edward, how I was going to explain myself. _

_Of course, he would already know of my decision; they all would. My present life would have disappeared the second I decided to go to La Push; and my future, well that would have disappeared the moment I told Jacob that I wanted him. _

"_Isabella," A soft gentle voice spoke from outside my window. _

_I let out a tiny shriek and found Carlisle standing just outside my door. His eyes were a rich golden and his face was solemn. _

_I opened the car door and quickly clamored out rushing into his outstretched arms. I mentally cursed myself for I was already crying. I had promised myself that I would be strong, that I could not allow them to see how much my decision was hurting me; no matter how much better Jacob and life would be for me. _

"_Shh," Carlisle attempted to soothe me, patting down my hair. "It's alright."_

"_No, no, no" I continued to cry. "I'm so sorry, Carlisle, for everything." _

"_Here, why don't you come inside and then we can talk about everything." _

_I nodded and followed behind him towards the house. Walking up the driveway to the front steps I noticed that every car was present. As we stood on the front steps of the door, I paused and looked into the house through the wide open door. To think that this would be the last time I stepped foot in here, well it was heartbreaking yet exhilarating to say the least. _

_Carlisle held a hand out to me and smiled. "They're waiting for us in the living room," _

_I took his hand and allowed him to lead me into the living room. _

_Rosalie and Emmett sat upon the sofa facing towards the entranceway. Emmett flashed me a half smile, most likely due to being happy for me yet sad that we were no longer family. Rosalie's face for once held a look of happiness and acceptance towards me. She out of all of the Cullen's would be happiest with my decision. _

_Jasper leaned against the other adjoining doorway; his expression hard and unreadable. His lips were set in a tight line his eyes squinted in concentration. I immediately felt a wave of calm rush over me, my tears subsiding but the ache in my chest only flittering away slightly. _

_On any other occasion he would have dispelled any pain.  
But this was different.  
This time I deserved to hurt. _

_My eyes quickly flitted across the room in search for Alice. _

"_She's upstairs," Jasper's matched his demeanor; hard and collected. "With Edward," _

_I visibly flinched at the sound of his name, wrapping my arms tightly across my chest. My breathing was labored and the tears were quickly returning. _

"_I-I'm sorry," I mumbled, averting my gaze to the ground. I couldn't face any of them, my once family. I couldn't stare into the masked hurt or outward appearance of pleasure and happiness with my decision. _

"_Bella there's no need to apologize," Rosalie spoke up suddenly. She rose to her feet and quickly closed the space between us, my hands suddenly held within her hands. "You don't have to be sorry," _

"_N-no, no I do!" I cried attempting to pull my hands from her. She let me go easily. I looked warily around the room at each of their faces; all smiles save for one. "I have every reason to be sorry." _

"_Bella dear, its fine." Esme spoke softly. _

"_N-no it's not." I shook my head furiously. How were they just accepting this so easily? Had they never wanted me in the first place? _

"_Seriously Bella, it's cool we don't hate you," Emmett laughed out, standing to join Rosalie in front of me. He wrapped an arm around her shoulder and smiled down at me. "I mean even if you did choose a __**dog **__over our brother; your husband. We still love you."_

"_N-no, no!" I took a shaky step away from them and their smiling faces, their cold yet accepting manner. This was wrong, all wrong. _

_Carlisle spoke next. "Isabella everything is fine, it's all going to be ok-"_

"_No! Stop saying that!" I lashed out, my voice rising to new heights. "Stop telling me everything is fine, that it's all going to be ok, it's not, ok? So just don't, fucking say that it is!" _

_Their eyes were suddenly wide in amazement.  
I shrunk away from them, my guilt eating away at me. _

_I had never raised my voice with them before. The family, excluding Rosalie, had done nothing but treat me with kindness from day one; accepting me into their lives, their home; their __**family**__. And here I was cursing and yelling at them like some ungrateful bitch. _

"_Oh God, I-I'm so sorry," I cried collapsing to the ground. _

"_I think it's time everyone give Bella some room," A soft voice spoke from the staircase. It was tiny and light, like the sound of tinkling bells. _

_Alice descended the last couple of stairs gracefully and came down to a squat in front of me. I didn't look at her; I couldn't. _

"_Bella," I ignored her. "Bella look at me." _

_When I refused her a second time she gripped my chin firmly in her hands and lifted my eyes to meet her. _

"_You will be ok," She forcefully spoke. Her eyes holding nothing but love for me. "You are going to wipe your eyes, stop the tears, and compose yourself." She pulled me to my feet. "And you are going to speak to Edward, now." I nodded my head meekly and followed behind her up the stairs towards my…__**Edward's**__ bedroom. _

"Wait," Leah interrupted my story. "They were all _happy_ that you chose Jake?"

I nodded silently and fumbled with my hands in my lap.

"Yup. Everyone except Jasper,"

"The freaky weather man?"

"He control's emotions not the weather."

"Right, same difference" She waved me off. "So what was his problem?"

"I don't know, I think it was because I hurt Alice, the one who sees the future," I interjected Leah before one of her colorful descriptions of Alice escaped her open mouth. She nodded and closed her mouth shut. "She was my sister and so set on me finally really _becoming_ her sister; one of them."

"So?" She spit crossing her arms.

"So, I took that away from her." I shrugged.

"Bella, when are you going to start living for yourself instead of others?"

I dropped my jaw in surprise as the weight of her question hit me. I stuttered over myself to find an answer when Leah waved me off once more.

"Whatever just finish your story,"

I nodded and continued on…

_After reaching the bedroom Alice left me alone at the door without another word spoken. She was gone like a summer breeze, leaving me alone to face the bitter winter. _

_I opened the door hesitantly, afraid of what I would find on the other side. _

_Edward sat upon the bed he had purchased for me, his back facing me. The soft sounds of Clair de Lune played in the background and my heart nearly shattered. He was humming softly to himself, choosing to ignore my presence as I crossed the room to sit next to him on the bed. When I sank into the soft feather mattress of the bed I cautiously reached a hand out and grasped the hand that lay next to me. He was hard; stiff and unmoving. We sat in silence and let the music wash over us, my breaths deep and finally controlled. _

"_I love you," I whispered into the air, unable to face him. "You know that don't you?" _

"_Of course I do Bella," He replied, his voice sounding strained. "And I love you, you know that."_

"_I do." _

_The room was silent once more. Edward lifted my hand and pressed it tightly to his cool marble lips, placing a feather kiss upon the palm of my hand. I shuttered when I felt the tips of his fingers grasping beneath my chin to turn my head towards him. I kept my eyes locked on the intricate design of the down comforter, afraid to look into his eyes, scared that I might drown in them. _

"_Bella, love" He sighed. "Look at me please?" _

_I shook my head and could feel my tears sliding down my face, falling unto my hands. _

"_Please," He wrenched out. _

_My eyelids fluttered rapidly and finally I raised my eyes to his face. What lay before me completely shattered my heart, scattering the pieces with in my chest, jagged and sharp, tearing at my insides. _

_His face was that of a broken man. Gone was his crooked smile, gone was the light from his once bright eyes. Gone was the healthy glow of love and gone was the strong façade of a strong man. He was torn, his eyes dark and lost, his face full of sorrow; so completely vulnerable. I knew that if he was capable, Edward would bee crying right in that instant. _

"_Oh Edward!" I cried, throwing myself into my arms. "I'm so sorry!" I mumbled over and over into his chest. _

_I tugged and pulled at his shirt to try and pull him closer to me, to feel the hardness of his chest pressed tight to me, reassuring me that everything was going to be fine. My sobs tore through my body, shaking and twisting my insides, my body convulsing against his as I cried and cried and cried. _

"_Bella I love you," he whispered into my hair, kissing my forehead, my cheeks, my ears, along my jaw and finally the corner of my mouth. "I love you so, so much." _

_He cradled me tightly to his chest, smoothing out my hair and continuously placing kisses upon my face. _

"_You have my heart, my everything; I am yours," He whispered into my neck. I wound my arms tightly around his neck and buried my face in the space between his neck and shoulder. I took in the scent of him willing myself to remember it yet unable to let it go; let him go. "Please stay with me, don't leave' He begged, pulling away to look into my eyes. _

_My head hung low as I sat in his lap. He grasped my hands and place a kiss upon the inside of my wrist. _

"_I can give you everything you've ever wanted and more," he stated, kissing up my arm, making his way to my collar bone, where he gently kissed and sucked, drawing out a sudden rush of desire in me. _

_I moaned lightly and tilted my head to allow him better access. _

"_I'll give you everything you've ever dreamed of." He kissed his way up my neck moving to my jaw. _

"_I'll give you the world," He kissed along my jaw and made his way to my lips. "I can give you forever." _

_And suddenly his cold hard lips were moving with mine, the sweetness of his breath escaping into my mouth, clouding my senses and fogging up my mind. I couldn't think straight; all I knew in that moment was that I couldn't let him go, it was impossible. I was shrouded in pure bliss as his lips moved roughly with mine, his tongue gliding across my bottom lip begging for entrance. I happily obliged and let him in, our tongues colliding instantly drawn out in a never ending dance. I fisted my hands in his hair pulling him closer, and still needing to be closer. _

_He then pulled me roughly to him, so that I was straddling his lap, my chest pressed tightly to his. I instinctively moved against his lap, feeling his want and need for me. I was aware that at any moment he could pull away, but I was willing to take my chances. This was farther than we had ever gone, crossing that forbidden line and testing the boundaries with a new and vigorous strength. I was so far gone; all I could see was Edward, all I could taste was Edward; all I could feel was Edward. _

"_I love you Bella," he gasped against my lips. "Always." _

_My movements ceased and realization hit me…__**hard**__.  
It had only been a mere two hours earlier that those same words had been spoken to me. _

"_Jacob," I breathed out. _

_Edward tensed and his eyes grew dangerously dark._

"_What?" He hissed. _

_I shook my head and removed myself from his lap a fresh wave of tears upon me. _

"_I-I can't, w-we can't…Jacob." I stuttered lamely, climbing to my feet and backing away from him. _

_I clutched at my button up t-shirt and looked down, shocked to find that it was fully open, bearing my naked stomach and bra covered chest to him. _

_When had he unbuttoned my shirt? _

"_What about that Dog?" he spat out. I flinched, unused to this cold tone being inflicted on me. _

"_Edward please," I begged. _

"_Please what Bella?" He hissed. _

"_I love him," I stated, the tears falling rapidly as I fumbled with the buttons of my shirt. _

"_Yes I know that," He stated, his eyes flashing with anger and jealousy. "But have you forgotten who you married?"  
_

_I shrunk away from his hard glare and glanced down at the ring upon my left hand. It was beautiful, a family heirloom, a deserving ring…for someone else. _

"_I haven't forgotten," I whispered. _

"_Well you could have fooled me," he spat once more as he ran a hand through his already disheveled hair. "Damn it Isabella, how much longer do we need to do this dance? How much longer until you can let him go?" _

"_I-I can't,"_

"_That's because you don't try," He took a step toward me, reaching for me. _

"_I don't want to." He stopped in his tracks. "I love him, Edward, I-." _

"_But does he love you like I do?" _

"_Of course," I wrapped my arms tight around me and stepped away from him, my eyes glued to the floor. _

"_But for how much longer Bella?" I stopped and looked at him my eyes filled with horror. _

"_W-what are you talking about?" I stumbled, though I already knew. _

"_You know exactly what I'm talking about." _

"_N-no, he wouldn't, Jake would never-" I balled my hands into angry fists. _

"_He has no control over it, no say in that matter." Edward's tone was ice cold and hard, his eyes unforgiving. "It's only a matter of time before he imprints," _

"_Stop-"_

"_I know it,"_

"_No-"_

"_You know it,"_

"_Shut up-"_

"_He knows it."_

"_You don't know-"_

"_It's in his blood Bella," Edward stated. "And we all know how strong his is." _

_I was fumbling, grasping for a defense. But I knew that my faith in him was fading. Jacob had always spoke of imprinting as a rare occurrence, but nearly the entire pack had imprinted. And with Jacob's __**Alpha**__ blood… _

"_He'll fight it! He's strong!" I cried. "He-he won't let it control him!" _

"_He's strong but not that strong Bella!" He retaliated, his voice rising to an all new height. "And it's about time you realize that!"_

"_He's not you!" I screamed. Edward's eyes widened. "H-he is __**nothing**__ like you. He would never leave me." _

_A look of regret and grief appeared upon his face, his shoulder crumpling. _

"_N-no, he wouldn't…never…he __**can't**__" My heart shuttered and I was suddenly choking, fighting for air. My resolve crumbled as I sunk to the floor clutching at my chest, fighting to breathe. Edward rushed to my side immediately and began rubbing small circles on my back, trying to calm me. _

_I didn't want to give in to him, I didn't want to give in to my fears. I knew that imprinting was a risk and I had accepted it, or so I thought. And suddenly I was second guessing myself, questioning whether I was making the right decision._

_The chance of Jacob imprinting was sky high. Could I really take that risk? Could I give myself over to him only to have him imprint and leave me behind? Yes Jacob was strong, but how strong? _

"So that's it?" Leah asked.

I nodded solemnly, suddenly aware that I was crying.

"You left because of imprinting?"

"I-I'm not proud of my decision-"

"And you damn well shouldn't be," She spat. "For fuck's sake Bella you let that God damn leech manipulate you into staying with him!" She cried throwing her hands up into the air.

"I know, Leah, I know."

"Why, what, _how could you_?" She forced out.

"What would you have done?" I cried looking up to meet her steely gaze.

"I wouldn't have left that's for sure!" She retaliated.

"Oh that's a load of cock shit and you know!"

"Who the fuck do you think-"

"You can't honestly say that if you were in my position you would have stayed!" I cried. "God, you just don't understand!"

"If I was in your position? Where do you get off talking about imprinting to me?" She roared suddenly on her feet. "Like I don't already know what it's like Bella!"

Leah's eyes were filled with tears and my heart broke; instantly regretting everything I had said.

"I have to face the affects of imprinting every _God damn day_," She cried. " So don't you dare," She pointed a finger harshly at me "Think that you're the only one whose got it rough around here."

"Leah, oh God I'm so sorry," I moved to get out of my seat to console her but she waved me away.

"Whatever," She said, wiping away her tears. "I'm over it."

I sunk back into my seat as she took her place once more upon the couch. Neither of us spoke for quite some time, the silence deafening.

"Leah?" I whispered.

"Yeah,"

I paused, knowing that I had to choose my words carefully.

"Um-"

"Just spit it out Swan."

"I-If you had known about Sam…w-would" I struggled with my words, biting my lip to strain the tears. "Would you have stayed?"

Leah looked at me and paused. Her eyes focused and unguarded.

"I-I honestly don't know," She whispered.

Before I could reply to her there were two loud raps against my front door. The both of us glanced at the clock hanging above the TV wondering who would be knocking on my front door at midnight.

"W-who?" Leah started as I got up from my seat and made my way to the door, Leah close on my heels.

When I opened the door, I was more than shocked by who was standing on my doorstep.

"Evening Bella," A soft voice droned out, no more pleased to be on my front porch then I was to have them there.

I was unable to speak, too taken aback and disgusted to get a word out. Thank God Leah was there to answer for me.

"Lana?" She hissed. "What the hell are you doing here?"

******

**A/N: Love me? Hate me? You know what to do!  
oh and Merry Christmakwanzakha and a happy new year! **

**Xoxo**

**B**

**p.s. FOLLOW ME!**

**www[dot]twitter[dot]com/4EverDreamland**


	11. Just Can't Win

**A/N: I know I'm lame. I have no excuse for you as to why this took so long; but I am sorry. But this is my longest chapter yet so you can't hate me! Hahaha. But I just want to say, **

**THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ALL OF THE REVIEWS!**

**I was amazed at how many responses I got out of that last one. Really thank you all so much. You guys gave me one of the best Christmas presents with all the great feedback and encouragement. It really means so much to me =) I love you guys. Now on to other things, I've got good news and bad news…sorry. **

**Good news is the DRAMA HAS BEGUN! This is the point where I'm really going to start getting into the REAL plot of the story. This chapter was hard to write because I was trying to fit so much into it and things were getting jumbled so it took me a while to get everything right. But I'm just going to warn you, it's going to get a little angsty at the end. Hey it's what I write best. Haha. But be prepared, I don't want any of you getting mad at me. Just keep in mind that things "HAVE TO GET WORSE BEFORE THEY CAN GET BETTER" just have faith loyal readers =)**

**And the bad news, I'm going away for twelve days to Arizona to visit family and my mother isn't letting me take the laptop with me (yes mine is still not fixed) so therefore no updates anytime soon after this. Once again I will be reduced to that of a pen and paper and will be writing diligently as I sit on the plane. Hopefully in my time out there I'll find some time to write.**

**Moving on from that depressing topic…thank you to ASH186 for being the ONLY person to PM me with song suggestions! Come on peeps; share your musical taste with me! Since ASH186 was the first and only person to do so they will have a chapter dedicated solely to them with the use of their song pick AND will receive a sneak peek of the next chapters song and a small portion of writing from it. Now if that doesn't motivate the rest of you to send in music then I don't know what will. Hahaha. **

**But I've said enough. My A/N's are getting way too long. But thank you once again and I love you all! Happy Reading!**

**Disclaimer: (Haven't done one of these in forever) SM owns everything, except the things you don't recognize. **

**p.s. I HIGHLY Suggest you listen to the song: Who Am I To Say by Hope. It's so beautiful! And it will really help you get a feel for what Bella's feeling. **

******

"_Love of my life, my soul-mate,  
You're my best friend.  
Part of me like breathing,  
Now half of me is left.  
Don't know anything at all.  
Who am I to stay you love me?  
I don't know anything at all.  
And who am I to say you need me?" _

_-Hope _

**Chapter 11**

**Just Can't Win **

"It's nice to see you too," Lana sniffed, as she flicked a piece of her hair over her shoulder. She peered around me her eyes trained on Leah, completely ignoring my presence.

Leah ignored her flippant response.

"Sorry, I just – what are you doing here…at _Bella's house_?"

"Oh believe me I don't want to be here anymore than she wants me here," She addressed Leah, speaking about me as if I wasn't standing right there; the fucking nerve of this wench.

"Excuse me-" I started.

Her eyes narrowed. "Jake sent me," She cut me off. Her eyes flicked to me waiting to see my response to the sound of his name; but I wouldn't give her the satisfaction. My face remained calm and unreadable.

"For what?"

"He said he needs to talk to you,"

"Well he can wait-"

"It's urgent," Lana was terse and stubborn. It was clear to me that she wouldn't be leaving without Leah. "Jacob needs some insight on a certain _engagement_."

The way she said engagement and the evil glint within her eyes coupled with her smug smirk didn't settle well with me. And when I felt Leah stiffen behind me, I knew something was up.

"Right, ok." She mumbled. "Hey Bella I'm sorry but I gotta go." She ran a hand nervously thorough her hair.

I turned towards Leah and nodded.

"Yeah, ok that's fine."

"Let's grab lunch tomorrow and we can finish this talk ok?"

I nodded again and remained silent as Leah brushed past me out the door. I begrudgingly turned my eyes to Lana who remained on my doorstep as Leah made her way to the unfamiliar car parked in my driveway. She stood with her arms crossed, leaning against the doorframe. There was a malicious twist to her smile and her brows were arched in anger.

"Can I help you?" I said, not bothering to hide the contempt in my voice.

She smirked and took a step towards me.

"Let's go Lana," Leah yelled from the car, clearly attempting to avoid a fist fight.

"One second," She called back, taking another daring step towards me. I held my ground, facing her head on.

She was the same height as me, though her stance and physique much more intimidating than mine. I looked her up and down and decided then and there if need be; I could take her.

"And again I ask; can I help you?" I arched my eyebrows.

"Yes you can actually," She stated coolly.

"Oh really, and how is that?"

"I think you know, Swan," She spat out my last name, like it was vermin tainting her perfectly round lips. Who the hell did this chick think she was?

"Is that so?" I stood straighter. "Well then I'm sorry, you're going to need to clarify it for me because I don't seem to quite get what you want from me" I crossed my arms over my chest.

"Stay the fuck away from him," She spat, her eyes dark and dangerous. "Get that?"

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me, stay the fuck away from him." She stepped towards me getting right in my face. I matched her step for step.

"Oh no I heard you," I hissed. "But just who the fuck do you think you are telling me what to do?"

"Well it'll do you more good than harm, to just shut your mouth and listen!"

"The hell it will, who the fuck do you think you are anyways, huh? You don't own him!" I retaliated, my face growing heated, my palms itching. This little tiff was fast approaching an all out brawl.

"You little bi-"

"Lana stop"

Leah appeared suddenly between us, her hands held out pressed tightly to each of our shoulders keeping us a safe distance from each other. I dropped my arms to my sides, my hands clenched in tight fists. If the moment required it, I was ready.

"No, not until this _home-wrecking slut_ learns to keep her filthy hands off of Jake!" She hissed training her glare on me.

So she knew about our little escapade. I suddenly began laughing, causing Leah's eyes to widen in confusion. Lana's glare seared straight through me as I continued to laugh. If looks could kill, I'd be dead a thousand times over.

"Listen you little bitch," She continued, attempting to advance towards me. Leah held her palms out and was now successfully holding Lana back while I stood behind her, my laughter failing to cease. "I don't give a fuck that _you think_ this is funny or that he gave you that house, something you'd _never_ be able to afford" My laughter ceased immediately; so she wanted to get personal?

"Hey come on," Leah spoke trying to ease the tension. Lana continued on, ignoring her.

"Just know it's the only part of him you'll ever get," She spit at my feet. "As long as I'm here, you'll _never_ have anything more than that."

"Is that so?" I was stern my voice hard and cold.

"Yeah is it,"

"Well, we'll just see about that," I smirked. "I'm sure Jake won't be too happy if he doesn't get to see _his Bells_."

I rejoiced inside at the slight twitch in her eye and the clenching of her jaw. Oh I was really getting to her now.

"Alright it's time to go," Leah spoke attempting to pull Lana away from the doorstep. But she refused to budge. I held one hand on my doorknob, prepared to slam the door in her face.

"He's not yours anymore Bella, he's mine."

It was time to cause some serious damage. I batted my eyes playfully at her and shot her a shit-eating grin.

"Oh Lana," I started, my voice dripping in malice and fake sympathy. "That's not what _My Jacob_ was saying the other night," Her nostrils flared and she poised to attack, but I wasn't finished yet. "No…no he was singing a different, _much more satisfied_ tune then."

"You Bitch!" She lunged at me arms flailing and nails begging to claw into me.

"Damn it Bella," Leah growled as she fought to contain Lana.

I smiled and took a step back, swinging the door shut slowly.

"Goodnight Leah," I said, the door quickly approaching a close. "Oh and Lana,"

She ceased her movements, her eyes wild with anger, her chest heaving and fists clenched, fighting the urge to tear into me.

"Send Jake my love," I slammed the door shut and turned and made my way back into the living room, laughing at the fading sounds of her angry screams and Leah's futile attempts to shut her up.

Lana wasn't the only bitch who could fight dirty.

******

After my encounter with that stupid, good for nothing, man stealing wh- whoa slow down Bella, I retired to the couch and flicked on a movie, and to my chagrin it was The Notebook, how _perfect_.

"Just what I needed," I grumbled, sinking further into the couch and wrapping myself within a blanket.

No matter how much I didn't need a reminder of the mistakes I made or how much I needed to be with Jacob I couldn't help but immerse myself within the film; laughing and smiling as I watched Noah and Allie's love grow and crying myself into fits of uncontrollable sobs as she left.

It amazed me how I fit into the role of Allie so well, minus the whole parents trying to keep me away from my one true love Noah aka Jacob; no that role was played by Edward.

I had foolishly fallen into his trap and believed his lies. I had left Jacob behind without a single glance back; too much of a coward to fight for what I wanted. I had allowed Edward to fill my head with lies pushing me closer to him and farther away from what I desperately needed.

In the years that I was with Edward, every day was a reminder of what I had lost; what I had left behind. I couldn't get Jacob out of my head. Every thought and waking moment was consumed with his ever growing presence within my mind; yet I did not leave. I followed Edward and his family to Alaska, enrolling in school there and trying to go about my days as normal as possible…but it was impossible for me. Everyone saw it, they all knew but Edward was too selfish and Alice too reassuring with her 'visions' of me never straying.

Oh yes, Alice had been apart of it too.

She along with Edward fed me words of encouragement and love, showing me how much I belonged to _them_ and their family. And when the need arose; when I began to grow extra restless Alice was right there with her visions of an immortal much more beautiful Bella. She was there to present me with the things that I had once wished for yet no longer wanted.

But I was too weak to resist.

Then there were the times when it had been nothing but bashing sessions of the La Push wolves. I sat through session after session of daily reminders that they were dangerous and unfit to roam freely in society. Edward's prejudices towards the wolves had never shined so brightly as when they did in these moments; yet no one interrupted him, not one of them said a word.

Carlisle and Esme would quietly excuse themselves from the room suddenly having something more important to do than listen to his tirades. Rose would sit and listen diligently nodding her head along and agreeing with his words; she never like Jacob or any of the wolves; as much as she never wanted me to join her family, she couldn't deny her hatred for the wolves. And Emmett would roll his eyes playfully but listen just as well; he wouldn't want to disappoint Rose. And Jasper, well I couldn't really say much about him; since I had rejoined the family he had spent most of his time locked away in his room, he still hadn't forgiven me for leaving; I hadn't forgiven him for my 18th birthday. And Alice, Alice was almost just as bad as Edward, adding in her two cents here and there, trying so hard to convey to me that hatred she held for them and why I should never ever have fallen in love with one of them.

They were different, no longer the Edward and Alice I used to love.

And I would sit there day in and day out and listen to them speak, trying to wrap my head around their reasoning, trying to 'see the light' but I couldn't; Edward thought it was because I refused to. He had reached an all new low with his insecurities when it came to me. Whenever I would catch him staring at me I knew he was thinking of the night I had confessed my love to Jacob. He was worried, scared that I would run; and I should have, I should have left.

So why didn't I?

I think so small part of me was hoping that maybe I'd one day be rescued; that Jacob might come after me; that he would fight. After all hadn't he been the one to say that he would never give up, that he'd be there fighting for me till the day my heart stopped beating? Well he wasn't here fighting and my heart was still beating…but for how long?

After a year of the lies and the daily force feedings of her visions I finally began to believe them; I gave in to them. I returned Edward's affections as best I could, pushing myself and urging myself to believe that I still loved him, that he was the one for me. I spent everyday reminding myself that the choice I made was right; that to put myself and Jacob through anymore pain would have been selfish of me. I had no right to claim him, when someone else held that birth right. To love him and then eventually be left by him would have ruined everything; it would have torn our families apart. Charlie would be enraged and Billy defensive. An all out war would have broken out though no magic involved this time.

I spent the next year and a half ignoring the tiny little voice in my head that screamed this was wrong that I had done wrong. I ignored it when it told me I still loved him and he still loved me. I ignored the voice when it screamed that Edward was lying and Alice's visions were false. The voice knew what I wanted; it knew the direction my heart was desperate to take.

But I ignored it over and over and over again.

"You still awake Bells," Charlie's gruff voice jerked me from my thoughts. "Its late honey, why don't you go to sleep?" I looked at the clock hanging above the TV and saw that it read 2 Am, The Notebook long over. Had Charlie really just gotten in?

"Uh yeah," I mumbled stretching my body out. "Wow I guess I zoned out, completely missed the movie," I gestured towards the TV which was now showing a late night episode of South Park.

Charlie raised his eyebrows at the current TV program.

"You watch this stuff?"

"N-no, I was watching The Notebook, I guess this came on after." I fumbled with the remote and shut the TV off. "You just getting in?"

Charlie blushed and looked at the ground.

"Uh yeah, dinner went a lot later than I thought," He shuffled nervously back and forth. "I'm sorry-"

I held up a hand. "Charlie it's fine, you're a grown man,"

He laughed. "Yeah, yeah you're right."

I nodded and walked forward and gave him a hug. He stiffened slightly taken aback but then softened and wrapped his arms around me.

"I'm happy for you Dad," I mumbled into his chest.

"Thanks Bells," he said rubbing my back. I pulled back from him and smiled. "That really means a lot to me."

"Yeah well just as long as Sue treats you right," I smiled. "Then I'm ok with this new relationship."

Charlie laughed and hugged me again.

"Ok, well I'm gonna hit the hay now" He yawned and stretched his arms. "I'll see you in the morning."

"Ok, g'night Dad,"

"Night Bells," he placed a sweet kiss upon my forehead and shuffled his way up the stairs. I was sure I heard him mumbling something about being proud and what not.

I plopped back down onto the couch unsure on whether I wanted to go to bed yet. I had so many thoughts swirling around in my brain, too many revelations and questions.

"Hey Bella!" Charlie called from the top of the stairs.

"Yeah Dad?"

"Billy invited us to a bonfire dinner tomorrow night down in La Push," I gulped and held my breath, my chest tightening. "I told him I would go but I wasn't sure about you, what with…" he paused unable to say his name. When I didn't answer he continued on. "Well anyways, he misses you a lot and would really like it if you went tomorrow night," I noticed that Charlie failed to mention who the certain _he_ was. "So uh, just think about it I guess."

"Y-yeah, ok sure."

"Ok, well goodnight." The floorboards squeaked as he made his way towards his bedroom. I didn't let out another breath until I heard the soft click of his door shutting.

I really, really, really, really wanted to go to the bonfire, I was desperate to see everyone to see Emily, Billy, the pack, and Jacob. I needed to talk to him to set things right between us.

But could I do it? Could I face him after what we'd done, could I face any of them?

I went to sleep that night more restless than ever, unsure of whether I was ready to take this step.

I awoke to short raps tapping hard against my shut door.

I sat up in my bed and viewed my surroundings, my head groggy and eyes tired with sleep. I couldn't remember retiring to my bed that night, I was sure I had fallen asleep on the couch.

Another nock sounded at my shut door.

"Hey Bells you awake?"

I rubbed a hand over my face. "Yeah,"

"Ok, well it's almost three o'clock and I was wondering if you wanted to grab lunch with me?"

My eyes widened and my head shot to my alarm clock.

"Shit!" I cursed reaching for the clock and falling out of my bed all at the same time.

I hit the ground hard letting out a groan as my alarm clock tumbled off my nightstand and on to my leg, which was currently tangled within my sheets.

"You ok?" Charlie asked unsuccessfully muffling his laughter.

"Oww," I groaned rubbing my soon to be bruised leg.

Charlie opened my bedroom door and proceeded to burst into a bout of laughter at my disheveled and humorous appearance as I lay on the ground. I glared at him and removed myself from my bedding and climbing slowly to my feet.

"Ha, ha very funny," I grumbled flopping down onto my bed.

"I'm sorry Bella, but your lack of grace and poise is just too damn funny," he bent over at the waist laughing.

"Thanks Dad!" I retaliated yet smiling all the same. I had never seen Charlie this carefree; Sue was doing him good.

When he had calmed down enough to talk and wiped away his tears I faced him with raised brows. My arms crossed over my chest.

"Sorry," he mumbled I nodded. "Well, you wanna grab lunch at the diner?"

"I would love to, but I was supposed to meet Leah for lunch; like an hour ago." I groaned. "I should probably call her to see if she still wants to meet." I made a move for my cell phone.

"Oh don't bother," Charlie said. "Leah called and cancelled, said something important came up."

"Oh, ok." I mumbled.

What could have happened that she couldn't eat with me? We had so much to talk about, both of us full of unanswered questions.

"Soo," Charlie said, rocking back and forth on his heels his hands shoved deep within his pockets.

I smiled. "I would love to grab lunch with you Dad."

"Great!" He said a smile shooting across his face. "I'll grab my jacket and we can go."

He moved from my doorway walking quickly towards his bedroom.

"Uh can I get dressed first Dad?"

"Oh right, sure!" Charlie yelled from his bedroom. "Just be quick!"

I laughed and shut my door to get dressed.

Forty five minutes later Charlie and I were pulling into the parking lot of Yannie's Diner. It was a Saturday afternoon and under other circumstances I would have been working; but Yolanda had insisted on giving me time off. The other night she had called me saying she was giving me all the time I needed to move into my new home; for me to figure things out. So when I walked into the diner accompanied by Charlie she was more than shocked to find me there.

"Bella, sweetie what are you doin' in on your day off?" Her hands were pressed strategically on her hips to convey her unhappy message.

I cringed slightly hoping that she wouldn't mention the new house, I had yet to tell Charlie about it.

"Uh, Dad wanted to grab something to eat with me," I gestured lamely to Charlie who was ignoring our conversation and scanning the diner for an empty booth.

"Well he should be helping you move," She smacked him with the two menus she held in her hand. Charlie jumped back shocked rubbing his bare forearm lightly; a red mark growing.

"What the hell was that for?" he grumbled, looking at Yolanda with wide eyes.

"For delaying this girl's move," Yolanda's response was quick. "You're the one that wanted her out in the first place," Charlie stared at her dumbfounded and then glanced at me. I shied away from his look and stared at the ground.

"Move?" He questioned. Yolanda gave him a look as if to say 'duh' and crossed her arms. I could feel his gaze boring into the side of my face but I couldn't face him. "And where exactly are you moving to Isabelle." Yeah, Charlie was mad.

Yolanda snorted, "She didn't tell you?" Charlie shook his head and crossed his arms; I shifted uncomfortably on my feet. "Figures,"

My eyes flashed to her and I shot her a glare. Yolanda smirked and turned to Charlie.

"Jacob gave her Billy's old house,"

"He What?!" Charlie roared earning us a few stares while throwing his hands down at his sides. He looked back and forth between Yolanda and me his face growing red, almost the same shade as mine. "What? When? Why?" He spluttered.

"Because he loves her," Yolanda said in a sing-song voice.

"Well I know that," Charlie suddenly laughed. I turned to him with raised brows.

"And you're ok with it?" I asked.

"Of course I am, this only proves that me and Billy were right!" he joyously shouted; Yolanda laughed. "Jake still loves you and things are going according to plan," He shot me a devilish grin.

A plan? What the hell?

"D-dad, Charlie!" I fumed. "What do you mean according to plan?"

Charlie ignored me. "Does Billy know?" He asked Yolanda.

"I'm pretty sure he does, I mean who else would he give the house to?"

Charlie nodded in agreement. "Well this settles it, we're both going to the bonfire tonight."

My jaw dropped. "What? No! N-no I can't!"

"Oh Bella stop being so dramatic," Yolanda waved me off.

"Yeah Bells, Billy is definitely going to want to see you now," He laughed. "I can't believe the old' bastard didn't tell me the other night."

"No, Dad you don't understand, I _can't_ go."

But Charlie ignored me and proceeded to dance his way to a vacant booth, Yolanda right along side him as they both sang, "Reunited and it feels so good," Over and over again, like they didn't know the rest of the song. But as they danced embarrassing themselves and me, I couldn't help but smile and laugh along with them.

Hopefully Jake and I would be reunited, soon; and I prayed that it would feel good.

******

One steak, one hamburger, a side order of mashed potatoes, French fries and blueberry cobbler found Charlie and I walking out of the diner pleasantly full and ready to relax down in La Push. After constant begging and teasing from both Charlie and Yolanda I had succumbed to their pleas and agreed to attend the bonfire.

Although my stomach was satisfied and I was feeling more relaxed I couldn't shake the feeling that this was all a bad idea; that I should back out while I had the chance. Well that chance came and went as Charlie drove us back home to pick up a set of blankets and our jackets. It was going to be cold tonight and my outfit of skinny jeans and a loose v-neck maroon sweater was not going to be enough to keep me warm. As we clambered back into the cruiser I tried to quell my fears and fastened my seatbelt, instantly regretting not backing out as we pulled away from the house.

It was too late. I was going to La Push. I was going to see the council. I was going to see the pack. I was going to see Lana. And I was going to see Jake; whether I wanted to or not.

Twenty minutes later Charlie pulled the cruiser into the parking lot at First Beach, finding a spot after a long search. Every spot was filled and it seemed that Charlie and I had taken the very last spot. I couldn't help but notice the familiar red rabbit that sat three rows ahead of us in the front row; Jacob was already here. After some persuasion and reassurance from Charlie I was able to tear my eyes from the vehicle and exit the cruiser, though my legs were extremely wobbly. The stupid thrumming of butterflies had returned to my stomach and my hands were getting clammy.

"Bells relax," Charlie laughed. "Everyone's going to be so glad to see you."

Yeah right.

I nodded and helped him pull the blankets from the trunk and followed him dutifully when he began to make his way towards the beach. As we drew closer I could clearly see why every spot was filled, it looked as if the entire Reservation had decided to attend this bonfire, the overwhelming sight of all those bodies sent the butterflies on hyper drive causing my stomach to clench and heave in uncomfortable ways.

"I thought this was just a little get together," I mumbled as we stood at the very edge of the parking lot, looking out at the sea of people.

"Oh no," Charlie said, "Sue said it's a special occasion, a celebration night."

"Oh,"

A great huge bonfire burned in the distance standing at what seemed seven feet tall. I could clearly make out the Tribal Council sitting around it. There were six of them, including Billy and Sue all dressed in traditional Quielte robes; they were at the head and center of the fire. To the left of them sat a small group of the other elders of the tribe and to the right an empty space which I could only assume would soon hold the pack. Families were scattered here and there around the fire, couples conversing with other couples while keeping a watchful eye on the children that ran around them. I smiled as I watched the little boys and girls chase each other around the fire, the boys howling and growling like little wolves, the little girls shrieking with laughter acting as if they didn't want to be caught; the sight of it warmed my heart. Closer to the water I noticed a small clan of teenage girls conversing with each other as they giggled and smiled at the equally small group of teenage boys showing off in the distance, well at least _trying_ to show off; a feat that was surely impossible when up against the cream of the crop; the Quileute Wolf Pack.

They were playing a simple game of two hand touch football along the waters edge, the wolf pack against the human pack..? The sight of it was amusing and saddening all the same. I was thoroughly delighted to watch the graceful and predator-like movements of the pack as they dominated the teenage boys who hopelessly tried to defend themselves and their honor. I watched as the pack moved as one, feeding off the energy of each other making impossible passes and catches that would and could never be seen on any professional team. The giggles and batted eyelashes of the girls didn't go unnoticed to me and surely hadn't been ignored by the pack, who decided to amp it up another level choosing to make the game a littler more interesting.

I watched with glossy eyes as each member of the pack simultaneously removed their shirt, tossing them lightly to the side only to be gathered up by their respective imprints. Emily, Kim, and Lana picked up the shirts with smug expressions. I cringed when I noticed the gestures exchanged between Jacob and Lana. Truth be told, I hadn't noticed his presence as I watched the game. I had become too intrigued with them as a whole. But now that he had been drawn to my attention, I couldn't help but revel in his appearance.

Jacob was gorgeous; like always. His rich copper skin shone brightly against the firelight that danced across his form. His eyes so dark and brown shown with excitement as they picked up the game once more. He was so carefree and light as he danced around his opponents his booming laughing reaching me at the parking lot and warming me from the inside out. His teeth shone brighter than the moon, his round full lips turned up in an infectious smile; he was so painfully beautiful.

"Hey Bella," Charlie called to me pulling my eyes away from the game. He had started to make his way down to the bonfire leaving me standing alone, gawking like a complete idiot. "You coming?"

I fumbled with the blanket and muttered a yes as Charlie laughed at me. I shot him a glare and walked along side.

"Bella?" A feminine voice spoke from in front of me.

"Leah hey!" I smiled suddenly grasping her into a hug, and pulling away from her quickly went I felt her body go rigid. I guess we weren't _that_ close yet.

Charlie laughed. "Hey there Leah, how are you"

"Charlie," I felt her nod at him over my shoulder. "I'm good, how are you?"

"Good, good." He smiled and then looked around her. "Well I'm gonna go find Sue," He said and then left the two of us alone quickly.

"Well someone's an eager beaver," I laughed but stopped suddenly at the frantic look on her face. "A-are you ok?"

"What are you doing here?" her voice was quick and strained. Her eyes flashed about her nervously.

"Um, Charlie said that Billy wanted to see me…" I mumbled. Leah took a step away and shook her head gripping at the roots of her hair.

"Bella you shouldn't have come," She groaned, her eyes regret filled and remorseful. "Not tonight, especially not tonight" She cried.

My heart dropped. "W-why, what's wrong?"

Leah ignored me and began to pace back and forth in front of me, muttering to herself. She kept stealing quick glances at me muttering and shaking her head. I couldn't help but notice that she was trying desperately hard to not let her gaze linger upon the happenings at the waters edge.

"Fuck!" She suddenly yelled; I jumped away from her.

"Leah what's going on?" I was nervous, my palms sweaty, body shaking with nerves.

She turned to look at me with such a sadness in her eyes, that I wished to God that I would have stayed home. Something in her eyes told me that by tonight's end, I would be wearing the same face, though more heartbroken and shattered than she.

"You'll find out soon enough," She whispered. "Come on," She took my hand lightly in hers and led me the rest of the way to the bonfire.

As I neared the fire I couldn't help but hear the whispers and feel the many eyes trained on my back. Of course everyone would know who I was, what I had done to one of their own. Well they wouldn't know the extent of it, just enough to know that I had hurt a member of their tribe and there by leaving me worthy of scorn and resentment. I admired their loyalty yet hated myself for being on the opposite end, behind enemy lines. My hand tensed within Leah's and she gave it a gentle squeeze.

"Just ignore them," She muttered. "They're just being over protective and should mind their own business." She said the last bit a little loudly as we passed a particular angry looking group. They shot me a scathing look and turned their backs on me, though one girl who could have been Lana's twin, though much younger looking, stared at me straight on and mouthed the word 'bitch' to me. My jaw dropped, the gesture hadn't gone unnoticed by Leah.

She let out a low growl and the girl backed off though keeping a glare trained on me. Leah then turned briskly and dragged me along with her.

"Who was that?" I asked attempting to keep up with her quick strides.

"Leona," Leah grumbled. "The fucking bitch clone."

"What?"

"Lana's mini-me," Leah spat out looking at me for a reaction. "That was her sister and the rest of her stuck-up family."

"Oh," That explained the jab and death glare.

"I fucking hate those damn Atera's." She spat.

"Wait, as in Quil Atera?" I was shocked.

"Yeah, they're cousins," I was immediately disgusted. How could nice, sweet and caring Quil be related to such an evil person? "I swear that little bitch hates you more than Lana does."

I snorted. "I doubt that. I mean why would she? She doesn't know me."

"She knows enough about you to know that you're a threat,"

"Oh, right."

Leah was silent the rest of our trek across the sand. When we finally reached the fire she plopped us down right next to Charlie who sat next to the empty space where the pack would occupy. The Tribal Council grew quite as I took my place upon the sand, leaning against one of the giant logs. I hid my face behind my hair as I felt their wistful eyes boring down on me. I still couldn't understand why they wanted to make sure I was still human. The entire pack had seen me, they knew I was human. And Billy, Billy was on the council so why did he need reassurance.

"He couldn't convince them," Leah whispered softly as if reading my mind. "Billy tried to tell them you were human but they wanted to see for themselves; they're satisfied now." I nodded my head in understanding as she began to absent-mindedly draw sketches in the sand.

I raised my eyes to the council in hopes that I could silently convey my thanks to Billy for trying to back me up. When I reached his eyes I was met with the same heartbroken look that Leah wore moments earlier and for what felt like the 17,823,635,823,756,345 time that night, I wished I would have just stayed home.

With the ever present could of dread hanging over my head I tried to enjoy myself. I listened to the traditional tribal music and entertained myself by watching the small children chasing each other. Sue had soon joined us by the fire for a bit and engaged in a conversation with me; the first since I had returned. She was pleasantly warm and welcoming; I found her extremely easy to talk to.

As time dragged on and the pack still had not retired to the fire I began to grow antsy. I tried to engage myself in conversation with Leah but her morose demeanor wasn't helping my nerves. She refused to tell me what was going on, claiming it wasn't her place to tell me, I just needed to be patient and soon "all would be revealed". Her choice of words were unnerving.

After sometime Sue reassumed her position with the rest of the council and the air around the fire suddenly became thick with apprehension. Billy let out a loud whistle, quick and sweet, the tune dancing across the wind and out towards sea; he was calling in the pack, the night's festivities were about to begin.

I knew that the pack had drawn near when I felt Leah place a gentle hand on my left knee. I looked to her only to find her eyes trained on her mother and the rest of the council. Billy sat with a calm expression over his face as everyone grew quiet. I lowered my head and stared at the ground until I felt someone seat themselves right flush against me, the bare skin of their arm suddenly wrapped around my shoulder, the heat overwhelming. I flinched and relaxed when I noticed that it was only Seth.

"Good to see you Bella," he whispered giving me a side hug. I smiled at him and turned my gaze towards the council.

I watched with bated breath as Sam and Emily came into view taking their seats, leaving an open space next to Billy. Paul soon followed after with Rachel Black at his side. My eyes grew wide.

"Paul's imprint," Leah mumbled.

Next was Jared and Kim, their arms wrapped around each other's waist; smiling and laughing quietly as they took their seats. I couldn't stop my heart from racing as Quil and Embry filed in after; all that was left was Jacob…and Lana.

My breath caught in my throat as I caught sight of them approaching the fire. Leah's hand dug harder into my knee to keep me in check but I couldn't help but flinch at the sight of them, so carefree and happy in each other's arms. I watched with watered eyes as Jacob poked and prodded at her side gently tickling her, the sound of her soft ringing laughter falling on my ears, mocking me in her happiness. My heart lurched when Jacob pulled her gently to his side squeezing her tightly to him and placing a gentle kiss upon her forehead after she smacked him playfully. His eyes were full of light, happiness, and _love_.

My heart bled at the sight of his adoring gaze on her, the way he handled her with care as they took their seat right next to Billy. He had yet to notice me. Leah's grip on my knee was nearing painful but I was thankful for it, she was the only thing that was keeping me grounded; preventing me from fleeing. I continued to watch Jacob as he got situated with Lana at his side; his one arm wrapped protectively around her waist his hand gripping her at the hip, while his other held her hand. Before I could tear my eyes away from him he looked out over the crowd and his eyes stopped directly on me; widening in surprise.

And then it was there; that same look that had adorned the faces of Leah and Billy.

He held my gaze for what felt like hours his mouth slightly ajar. I sat there drinking him in, oblivious to everything around me. It wasn't until he looked away from me, his jaw clenched tightly, that I tuned into what was going on around me.

Billy was in the middle of an old Quileute story, one I had heard before. He was speaking of the great tribal leader Taha Aki and the spirit warriors. I sat entranced as I listened to the story once again feeling as if I was living in the moment; though a certain pair of dark eyes trained on me did not go unnoticed.

Jacob was trying his hardest to concentrate and keep his gaze off of me. I could see from the corner of my eye his flickering eyes and hardening stare. His hands were clenched in fists in his lap; Lana unaware clung to his arm as she listened in on the story a smug smirk upon her face. Leah's hand remained on my leg still keeping me in check. I could feel the tension rolling off of the pack and tribal council in waves as the story of the cold ones came to light; Charlie sensed it too, though he had no idea of the actual reality to the legend.

His hand came to a light rest on my shoulder as he caught a particular hard and cold glare shot my way by a Council leader. I looked up at him to see his mouth set in a tight line a grim look upon his face. It was his 'don't mess with me' face, the one he wore when he was Forks Chief of Police. I placed a hand overtop of his and squeezed it tightly.

When Billy had finished the story the air around the fire was thick with wonder. I couldn't help but notice the delighted smile that spread across Lana's face and the jittery bounce of Jacob's knee; he was nervous but what about I did not know.

"Tonight is a night for celebration," Billy spoke out to the crowd. "My son Jacob has an important announcement."

A few cat calls and whistles broke out amongst Lana's family, the pack smiled, and Jacob avoided my gaze as he stood before the tribe.

Leah's hand had suddenly formed a death grip on my knee. I looked to her in questioning but she avoided my gaze and instead reached out for my hand. I took it reluctantly and stared into the fire.

"Um, evening everyone," Jacob spoke lightly rubbing at the back of his neck. "Like my dad said I've got e-exciting news."

I could feel his eyes flick to me but I did not look.

"I-I've decided to expand the garage, business, business has been really good lately," I looked up and saw a small smile stretched across his face. More catcalls broke out. "Black's Automotive is branching out and will be in two locations, here on the Rez and in Port Angeles." I looked up shocked a smile playing on the corner of my lips. Charlie's hand tightened on my shoulder.

"Don't Bella…" Leah mumbled.

"What?"

"The other news," Jacob's voice rang through and I turned my eyes to him once more. "Um, it's…" he paused and ran a hand through his hair, forcing a smile onto his face. He stared determinedly into the fire all stolen glances gone. "Lana and I…we're…" he looked down at her and she beamed up at him with a smile.

He was nervous; too nervous, jittery and uneasy. Something was terribly, terribly wrong. I looked towards Billy and there was that haunted expression of heartbreak and loss. It tore straight through to my heart, my senses heightened. Something was going down; something that meant bad news for me.

"Well we're…um…"

"Spit it out Jake," Lana giggled, the rest of the tribe joining in.

I squeezed Leah's hand, my eyes suddenly watering, my head pounding and heart racing.

_No, no, no, no, please God no.  
Please don't say it. _

But I already knew what was coming. It was in the way Lana had looked at me last night as we fought on the steps of my home. Her eyes were so dark and dangerous yet at the same time held a truth to harsh to relinquish right there; no she needed an audience. The way she looked at me as if I had already lost and my fight was useless; pointless. It was in the way she held onto Jacob's hand tightly as he struggled to find his words and the knowing gleam in her eye when she shifted her gaze to me. In that fraction of a second I knew; I knew that all had already been lost.

I pulled my hand away from Leah and bit down on it hard, trying to silence the scream that had built in my throat and moved to my mouth, fighting rabidly against my lips desperate to escape. I squeezed my eyes shut, the tears falling relentlessly down my face. I held my other hand tightly to my chest, trying to silence the loud sound of my heart breaking, the pieces shattering to bits.

"We're engaged."

******

**A/N: OH NO! well you know what to do loves, REVIEW!  
And try not to be too angry with me…remember it has to get worse before it can get better, and believe me it will get better. Love you lots!**

**Xoxo  
B **

**p.s. I've also got a poll going on. I want you readers to pick the next story I'm going to write, when CC is finished. I've got 3 different ideas so be sure to check it out! **


	12. Forever is Gone

**A/N: I'm not even going to make you wait. Just be sure to read the author's note at the end. Love you so much for the reviews and for sticking with me loves. **

******

"_You could be happy and I won't know,  
But you weren't happy the day I watched you go.  
And all the things that I wish I had not said,  
Are played in loops till it's madness in my head.  
Is it too late to remind you of how we were,  
And not our last days of silent, screaming blur?  
Most of what I remember makes me sure;  
I should have stopped you from walking out the door." _

_-Snow Patrol _

**Chapter 12**

**Forever is Gone**

Everything was dark, black and empty**. **I felt weightless; floating unattached. The cool calm silence that surrounded me was comforting, the lack of light peaceful.

"Bella! Bella!" A gruff voice called to me, breaking through the serene silence. It pulled and tugged at my body, gravity taking a hold of me. "Bella honey wake up!"

I mumbled something short of incoherent.  
Where was I?

"Bella," A softer voice spoke. It was soothing, smooth like silk and soft like powdered snow. "I know you can hear me," They continued, their tone encouraging. "You need to open your eyes."

"I-I-I" I struggled to speak, suddenly too tired. "C-can't' I fumbled.

"You can," They insisted. "You have to," They gripped my hand firmly.

"W-who?" I couldn't place a name or face to the calming voice.

My head was spinning.

"Bella it's me Leah," She said. "Leah Clearwater."

Leah? Le-ah...Leah, Leah...Le-

LEAH. CHARLIE. BILLY. LANA. JACOB.

It hit me with the weight of a ton of bricks and the force of a forty foot tidal wave, washing down on me; pulling me into the current. My eyes flew open, my body jolting forward off the ground into a sitting position. I immediately began coughing, choking on the very air that was giving me life.

"Shh, shh you're ok," Charlie whispered in my ear from where he knelt next to me. He rubbed light circles on my back as my throat waged war with my lungs.

"Here drink this," Leah handed me a bottle of water which I gladly took.

I blinked back spots and the tears that blurred my vision, taking in my surroundings. We were sitting by the fire, still on the beach, still in La Push, and still in front of the entire Quileute Tribe. I shied away from the many sets of eyes boring into me.

"W-what happened?" I choked out.

"You blacked out," Leah whispered. "After the...news."

My eyes shifted to the front of the fire where Jacob stood with Lana. I cringed as I noticed his hand clasped tightly in hers.

"Bells are you alright?" Charlie asked, smoothing out my hair and tucking a stray strand behind my ear. I nodded feebly as I began to recollect the happenings of the last ten minutes or so.

Billy. The stories. The pack. Jacob and Lana. An Announcement. An engagement. Jacob's engagement. _Jacob and Lana's engagement, _not Jacob and Bella's.

Tears swam in my eyes once more. Charlie's face softened at the sight of them and he quickly wiped them away.

"Hey, hey it's going to be ok, alright?" I nodded my head as the tears fell. "You're going to be ok." He kissed me on the forehead and wiped at my tears once more.

"She alright?" Billy asked from his seat.

"Yeah she's-" Charlie stopped short in his sentence. His eyes narrowed and his jaw clenched tight. I looked at him with confusion in my eyes as he quietly stood to his feet his fists flexing as he turned his back on me.

"What did you just say?" He asked.

Unsurprisingly his question was directed towards Lana. She stood behind Jacob with a scowl placed on her face. I moved to stand to my feet and Leah held my arm, helping me along. I was neither surprised nor uncomfortable when she joined me by Charlie's side, her hand held firmly in place.

"I said who cares," Lana hissed as she took a step away from Jacob, though their hands held firm. "Cause you know, it's pathetic really." She continued.

"Lana don't," Jacob attempted to pull her back to him but she released her hand from his grip; he didn't fight her.

"It's so like her to pull some stupid stunt like this," she growled tilting her head in my direction. I reflexively took a step backwards. Leah's grip tightened and pulled me back. She wanted me to face this and she was going to do it with me. "For her to 'faint'…_God_," She shook her head in disgust. "And get all emotional just to get all of the attention, to take away from our happiness." My eyebrow s rose at this accusation. Was she serious?

"Now you listen here," Charlie stepped forward. "I don't know who you think you are-"

"I think I'm Jacob's fiancée" She interrupted him, holding up her left hand. I gaped at the diamond, an unusually huge blinding rock; how had I missed that? "And your pathetic, migraine-inducing, slut of a daughter needs to respect that and back the fuck off." Charlie's back stiffened and I could see the faint but rapidly growing glow of red on his neck. "She already had her chance."

A simultaneous gasp broke out within the crowd at Lana's words. My heart burned with anger and my eyes stung with fresh tears as Jacob stood by and did nothing. His head hung low and his shoulders were tense, yet _he did nothing_. Whether I had ruined our relationship, our friendship or not, never in a million years did I suspect that he would stand for the kind of disrespect that was being directed at my father.

The tears were coming faster now.

At the sight of Charlie's reddening face and his shaking form the pack rose to their feet creating a semi-circle of protection around Lana. Leah's hand fell away from my arm and she shifted to stand in front of me in her own protective stance. This did not go unnoticed by the pack and a low growl ripped from each of their chests, all except for Seth. He eyed me warily, his eyes full of an unspoken apology; he didn't want to be a part of this fight anymore than I did.

"She really should just let it go," Lana hissed.

"You fucking bi-" Charlie growled advancing on her.

In the blink of an eye Jacob was standing before Charlie, one hand firmly pressed against Charlie's chest, holding him in place, the other gripping his arm tightly. Charlie looked down at his chest then to the stern look on Jacob's face.

I knew and Jacob knew that Charlie would _never_ touch Lana…why was he doing this?

"What are you-"

"I need you to take a step back," Jacob's voice was low and dangerous. The pack tensed behind him, their teeth baring growls ripping from them as I shook my head wildly. This wasn't supposed to happen; we weren't supposed to be on opposite sides. Sensing my distress Leah took my hand once more in attempts to calm me.

Charlie's eyes flicked to Billy and then to the pack, down to his chest once more and then ended back on Jacob's face. His bewildered expression transformed into one of anger and betrayal.

"I suggest you take your hands off of me, right now." His voice was ice cold and unforgiving, a tone that he had never used with Jacob.

"I can't do that." Jacob's eyes were serious. Bile filled my throat at the defensive stance he held towards Charlie; it wasn't supposed to be like this.

"The hell you can't!" Charlie roared throwing Jacob's hands off of him, shoving him back away from his body. "You have no right, no fucking right to tell me what to do!" He advanced on Jacob who surprisingly took a step back though more out of shock than fear.

"Charlie," Billy called.

"And you!" Charlie whipped around to point an accusatory finger at him. "You knew all along and you said _nothing_!"

"If you would just let me explain-"

"Explain what? Explain how you invite us here like we're family and then pull this?" Charlie's voice was straining, he had never exerted so much emotion as he was now. "Are we some sort of joke? Are _her feelings_ a joke to you, something to mock?!" All eyes turned to me and I froze in my place.

"Charlie please," Sue cried standing from her seat. Leah let out an unexpected low growl.

Sue stumbled, Charlie was un-phased.

"Don't you say a word to me," Charlie hissed. "How could you?"

My eyes stung at his shaky words, the defeated look upon his face.

"Sue was unaware," Billy rushed. "She only found out just before the celebration,"

Charlie snorted. "Is that what this is then?" He placed his hands on his hips.

"It's true," Sue pleaded.

"No matter when you knew, you will still stand behind this," He said shaking his head.

My heart broke at his distraught expression and the unshed tears that filled his red eyes. My mistakes were ruining everything.

"Charlie I have to-"

"No you choose to." He let out a heavy sigh and lifted his eyes to meet hers. "You know, I've put up with this tribes cockamamie bullshit traditions and rules for too long now," He hissed. "I'm done."

Sue let out a strangled cry and reached a desperate hand forward.

"Charlie surely you can see this is not the place nor time to discuss this-"

"Right Billy, you're right," Charlie's words dripped with sarcasm. "But I'm sure it was the right place and time for _this_,"

"Oh go to hell," Lana made a move towards Charlie but was held by the steady hand of Jacob.

"We're done Billy," Charlie said ignoring her.

"Charlie don't do this," Billy pleaded.

"No, you made your bed," Charlie hissed. "Now you have to lie in it." He tore his eyes from Billy and Sue and eyed each member of the pack. "Bella we're leaving, now." He turned towards me and grabbed my hand and thanked Leah as she helped him gather up our blankets.

I was too dazed, shocked, and confused to help.

"I think that's for the best," Sam spoke from Jacob's side.

Lana rolled her eyes. "Good riddance," She hissed under her breath.

Charlie ignored each of them and grabbed the rest of our stuff. As we turned to leave I attempted to catch Jacob's gaze but he refused to meet my eyes.

"Charlie," Billy pleaded once more, trying to wheel his way around the pack and towards us. Charlie turned to face him, his shoulders rigged and back straight; he was wearing his Chief Swan mask.

"I'll say this once and one time only," He growled. "None of you are to set foot in my town." The pack crossed their arms at this. "If I or any of my officers catches even a toe over that borderline…there will be _hell_ to pay." He spat the last part and turned to leave taking my hand again.

"Charlie," Jacob was the one to speak this time, stepping forward.

"And that goes especially for you," Charlie's voice reached an all time low as he stood before Jacob. "You are no longer welcome in Forks or in my home," Jacob stiffened; Charlie's voice lowered impossibly more into a deadly whisper. "You stay away from my town, you stay away from me, and you stay the fuck away from my daughter," I could see the tightening of Jacob's jaw and the sudden appearance of liquid in his eyes as Charlie spoke this last part. "Understood?"

Jacob nodded his head curtly and took a step back.

_No, no, no. This can't be happening. _

Charlie reached for my hand but I side stepped him.

"Bella?" I ignored his questioning voice.

"Jacob," My words were strangled against the cry that begged to leave my chest. "Jacob, please" I moved towards him.

"Bella, we're leaving," Charlie hissed grabbing my hand to pull me back. I struggled against him.

"Jacob, please" I cried out. He turned his gaze to the ground. "Jacob look at me, please."

"Bella stop this," Charlie hissed as I continued to pull forward.

"Look at me," I whispered. I was only a few feet from him, just a little bit more and I could be in his arms. "It doesn't have to be like this"

I heard a silent scuffle and knew that Leah was refraining Charlie at the sudden absence of his hand. I chanced a glance behind Jacob and saw that Seth had taken a stance in front of Lana effectively holding her back.

"Jacob," His lower lip trembled his hands clenched in fists

"Bella don't" Charlie called.

"Jacob I need you," I whispered. I was standing before him, my hands outstretched. "I-I love you."

He took in a shaky breath his body trembling. I wasn't scared; I knew he was only crying.

"I love you,"

He raised his eyes to me his face a sudden hard mask.  
His eyes cold and unforgiving.  
His jaw clenched, mouth set in a hard line.  
I flinched.

"I can't" He whispered. "I love her."

My hand fell, my heart plummeted and I was once more gathered into the arms of my father.

Charlie clutched at me tightly and struggled to right me. Leah helped him support me and Charlie took a moment to shoot them all one last scathing look before we took off across the sand, Charlie muttering obscenities the entire way, Leah trying to offer some words of hope while I walked in stunned silence.

It wasn't until we reached the privacy of my room that I allowed myself to break down.

In Charlie's cruiser with Leah occupying the back, it had been a subdued silence that rooted me to the seat, too afraid to voice my fears; my loss. I sat there in complete and utter silence as Charlie rambled on, finally letting loose all of his inner demons; his own worst fears. A daughter broken and lonely, a shell of who she had once been; the reappearance of zombie Bella. He had not voiced this out loud or spelled it out in words but I was smart enough to read between the lines.

So when he retired to his bedroom too worn out and hurt to offer a kiss or hug goodnight I let myself break in the presence of Leah as she silently tucked me into bed. And I promised myself that this was the last time, that there would be no more tears over Jacob Black.

Leah allowed me to cling to her like a life-vest as I cried my own ocean of tears, pushing out everything that hurt me that had ever related to Jacob. And she rocked me back and forth in my waves of despair and smoothed my hair upon my head in a motherly gesture that I would have expected from only Emily. And it was there that she sang an old tribal song to me in the tongue of her ancestors; a song I had dreamed of three years ago; one that had never left me. It was soothing, familiar, and foreign all the same for her delicate voice did not hold the same rich baritone ring that Jacob's had.

_And in the throws of the night  
the lone wolf he cried  
for the love lost not gained  
For his poor heart so maimed.  
And when the sun rose,  
The next day over the shore  
He rejoiced at the sight  
He knew now to fight;  
For the love lost not gained,  
Yet still it stayed and remained. _

******

I awoke to the sound of Charlie yelling more obscenities downstairs in the kitchen. Not exactly an ideal wakening after the night that I had.

At the mere thought of the disastrous evening my head began to ache. I groaned inwardly and sunk deeper into my bed throwing my blankets over my head. I needed to escape, to block out the world. I couldn't fathom the fact that things were definitely, possibly over between Jacob and me. We're best-_were_ best friends I guess you could say.

But things were never really over for me.  
I never wanted to let him go.

I knew that I would have to fight and I would have to fight hard; tooth and nail. I was going to have to put myself out there in the most vulnerable position I could ever imagine. The rolls were reversed I was going to take Jacob back or I was going to be the other woman, either way I was going to have him; I needed him. For me Jacob was life, he was everything that I had ever wanted but was too stupid to let go of. He was what I wanted in life, what any smart girl would want in life.

I had to fight.  
There was no other option.

From under my covers it was nearly impossible to hear the knock on my door over Charlie's voice.

"Come in," I mumbled from under my covers.

There was another knock.

"Come in," I said a little louder.

Again, another knock.

Fed up I threw my covers off of me and stomped to my door. I made sure to slam my feet extra hard to show my irritation at having to remove myself from my warm bed. I flung open the door with as much straight as I could muster and found myself face to face with Leah.

"Hey," She said moving past me and into my room.

"Hi," I replied shutting the door behind her as Charlie belted out a particular nasty string of words to the unlucky recipient on the other end.

"Any idea who he's talking to?" I asked turning to face her.

Leah had taken a seat in my desk chair and was diligently flipping through my latest edition of Cosmo.

"Billy," She stated whilst keeping the flow of her page turning.

I nodded even though she wasn't looking at me and added an "Oh" as an afterthought. I plopped down onto my bed across from her and watched her as she read. We sat in silence as she read; I didn't know what to say. You would think that after the past few days I'd be able to hold a normal conversation for the one person that's been here the most for me.

The silence continued.  
Nope, I guess not.

After another good ten minutes of me staring like a psychopath and Leah continuing with her page turning she spoke.

"Ha, listen to this," She laughed leaning forward. "Number 99 on Cosmo's Hot Sex Tips list," I blushed at this. "It says, 'Pull his hair as he finishes. His scalp has tons of nerve endings, so it'll feel amazing' hmm" She looked up and smiled at me. "Did you try that with Jake?"

My mouth dropped. My stomach churned.

Leah's eyes instantly filled with regret. "Too soon?"

"You think?" I choked.

"Sorry," She stood up throwing the magazine down on my desk and then plopped down next to me. "Just trying to lighten the mood" I let out a tiny laugh and Leah smiled.

"I didn't know you read Cosmo," I continued on with the now light mood.

Leah snorted. "There's a lot you don't know about me."

I nodded. "Very true."

"I don't by the way," She said. I raised my brows. "Read Cosmo…regularly, I mean."

I nodded my head in understanding. I couldn't really picture her being the Cosmo type; at least not yet.

"So what else don't you do regularly?"

"This," Leah motioned her hand back and forth between us. "Bond with people…"

I paused and then smiled, laughing at the clearly uncomfortable expression on her face.

"It's not funny," She hissed, attempting to hide her own smile.

"Of course it is," I retaliated. "I mean three years ago, this-us would have never happened."

Leah chuckled. "Yeah, yeah I guess you're right."

"No, I am right."

Leah laughed once more and we fell into another silence. I knew that there were so many unanswered questions that needed answers but neither of us could find the right way to start the process. We both undoubtedly knew that the next few hours or so would be extremely hard for the both of us; filling each other in on the happenings of the past three years.

"Hey Leah,"

"Yeah?"

"Thanks," I whispered looking down at my folded hands suddenly embarrassed.

"For what?"

"For this, all of it" I gestured to the space between us trying to convey what I meant. "For sticking by me…I know it probably isn't easy-"

"It's easy," She interrupted me. "So don't worry about it."

"I know, I just- I feel bad, like I'm coming in between you and the pack."

"Bella if you haven't noticed, I'm not apart of that pack anymore," She was quite when she voiced this, her words heavy.

"What?" I couldn't rid my voice of shock.

"I left the pack, I'm a deserter." She spoke this with sudden energy and strength.

"What? How? When?" I spluttered over my words, turning to face her.

"After you came back," She admitted. "That night, after you left Jacob's house… I decided to leave; I didn't want to be a part of it."

"Why?" I breathed.

"Sam and the rest of them, besides my brother, they've lost sight of who we were and what we were meant to be." She said this harshly. "Once Jacob im-once he got with Lana and stopped phasing, things began to change, everyone was different."

I noticed her hesitation on the dreaded word that represented all of our hatred and pain. Leah understood, she felt where I was coming from.

"Different?"

"Yeah, imprinting well that became the soul focus for everyone, I mean Jake had finally done it, Seth had done it," Seth imprinted? "Everyone had finally done it…except me." Her voice was sullen at this confession. "I felt like an outcast, a freak."

"Leah, I'm sorry-"

"Don't be sorry," She snorted shaking her head. "I don't want it; it doesn't bring happiness…it only brings pain."

I knew what she was speaking of first hand, knew how she felt. In all truthfulness I didn't know the exact same pain, but the origination was all the same. Sam had left her for his imprint, her cousin, leaving her behind after everything they'd been through together. And Jacob…well we know how that's going.

"We were going to get married," She whispered, I could hear the tears in her voice. "He proposed to me the night before…before _her_." She still couldn't bring herself to speak her cousin's name. The betrayal and hurt was still too painful. "She came down to celebrate with me; she was the first person I told." Her shoulders shook with silent tears and I laid a hand on her shoulder trying to offer some comfort. "He promised me so many things that night," Her eyes were red and glazed over as she relived the happiest moment of her life. "And then just like that he took it back and left me with nothing."

I wrapped my arm around her.

"For a while it was just Jake and me," Her voice had returned to her normal level of calm. "We didn't have- he, he hated it more than I did," She admitted with a shrug. "On the nights when everyone else was off with their _'soul mates'_ we would run and voice all of our hatred towards it, unafraid to admit how we really felt. It was bad…really bad for Jake," I cringed at this. "He knew it was what was standing in his way to get to you, that it was keeping you from being with him."

"And it did," I mumbled.

Leah was silent then.

"We're alike in a lot of ways," She said turning to look at me. I met her eyes and nodded my head. "That's part of why I left too…I knew you would need someone."

My eyes widened at this.

"I was already planning on leaving the pack, I just hadn't told anyone yet." She shrugged. "It was a bitch trying to not think about it on patrol." She laughed, I joined in. "So when you came back, well I knew that it really was time, I couldn't put it off any longer."

"What did Sam say?" I asked timidly.

"He was livid," She laughed again. "Especially when I let slip that you were part of the decision; he thought I was betraying the pack, the _tribe_" She snorted. "But it didn't-doesn't matter." She said. "We've got to stick together," There was a fire in her eyes when she said this.

"Right," I nodded. "The club for Women Scorned," She let out a boisterous laugh.

We fell into a comfortable silence, each of us reflecting on our thoughts and last night's event.

"I do want to see you happy Bella," Leah suddenly spoke. "And I know that Jake is the only thing that will make you happy."

I nodded a silent agreement.

I admired Leah greatly, for her strength and courage. I knew now more than ever that she was going to be my rock, the one person that I could turn to when needed.

"I'm going to help you," She said defiantly.

"Really?"

"Yes," She said smiling. "Plus helping you is a sure fire way to piss off Sam."

I laughed loudly at this and smiled at her.

"Thank you," I said taking her hand.

In more ways than one and now more than ever, I was beyond grateful of my new found friendship with Leah. She and she alone had held me together through this whole ordeal, had supported me when no one else but Charlie would. I knew that she was going to be the driving force behind my winning Jacob back. And now that she was definitely undoubtedly on my side, well there were things that I still needed to share with her.

And I figured the best place to start would be the beginning…and with the truth.

"Um, I wasn't really completely truthful the other night," I whispered, locking my hands in my lap.

"How so?" Her voice was curious, not angry, almost as if she expected this confession.

"When I told you about Edward and leaving with him…how it happened." I mumbled. "He kind of left without me,"

"Without you?" She snorted. "That's hard to believe."

"Yeah I know," I breathed out. The fact that Leah's voice was calm and subdued helped with this particular confession; made it easier on me. "He left me after I went to see him, said that I should stay in Forks."

"Hold on, none of this is making sense," Leah shook her head and turned to face me, making herself comfortable on my bed; and for good reason, this was going to be a long night.

"I know it doesn't, it didn't make sense to me either."

And it hadn't. After everything that he had said to me that night he was letting me go, giving me a chance to go back to Jacob.

"So what happened, explain everything."

"Well, after we finished talking we kind of sat around for a bit, I think he was just letting everything sink into my brain." I said. "Then he told me that I wasn't ready to be with him again, that I shouldn't come with him if I didn't love him."

And this was true. After Edward had somewhat convinced me to stay with him, he let me go. It was like the first time all over again, claiming I wasn't good for him, that maybe we really should end things.

But I couldn't do it. I couldn't lose him another time.

I had done a complete one eighty; gone from needing Jacob to needing Edward more. It wasn't until later on that I realized what he had done. By letting me go a second time he had solidified my decision to stay with him, knowing that him leaving a second time would kill me, I wouldn't be able to survive it.

Edward knew and Alice knew that if I was the one to leave, I would be able to move on; I could learn to love again. They had picked up on my subconscious fear of abandonment and used it to their advantage. They had played me like an old time fiddle, plucking at my strings in just the right way to get me to sing the tune they needed.

"When Edward told me to stay behind I panicked,"

I held my head low in my hands as I divulged all of this to Leah. I was ashamed and embarrassed that I had allowed myself to be so easily manipulated.

"I begged him to let me go with him, but he refused," I could feel an onslaught of tears but I held them at bay. "They left that night and I stayed in his room."

I had curled myself up onto the bed he had bought for me and cried myself to sleep. I wallowed in my own self misery at the second rejection trying to convince myself that I could make it, that maybe I could move on with Jacob.

"All my doubts and insecurities fed on me that night," I shuddered. "I should have gone to Jacob, I should have dragged myself out of there but I didn't." I shook my head and clenched my hands into fists.

I was so angry at myself for my stupidity and ill judgment's. I had the opportunity to pursue happiness, it was all there in front of me yet I still turned away.

"So I went after them, that very same night." I spoke softly. "They conveniently left their new address, stating that I could join them when I was ready." I let out a malicious laugh. "They knew all along that I would be on my way just hours after them…it was what they had planned."

The new home was in Alaska, far back in the recesses of the woods far away from any sort of real civilization. They had welcomed me with open arms when I arrived on their front doorstep happy and satisfied that their plan had worked; I had come through. Two days later I was enrolled in a nearby college and would be attending classes with Edward.

"Looking back on it now, that life was torture." I revealed. "I never made any friends from school, I was always with Edward or Alice."

"Figures," Leah scoffed.

"Edward and I were both literature majors, ensuring that we'd be in all classes together, it was so smothering, but I accepted it." I groaned.

I spent every waking moment with Edward, and when that wasn't happening when he wasn't crowding my personal bubble I was being smothered by Alice. Shopping trip after shopping trip and make shift 'slumber parties' in her room were running my life. They kept me busy with random things, anything possible to keep my mind from straying to the ever present memory of Jacob.

They sometimes would catch me in a far-off distant gaze and they knew what I was thinking of; longing for. Those were the times when I would then find myself in the midst of one of their lectures, always being reminded of the reasons I left.

"But then there were moments that I had to myself," I added as an after thought. I cringed slightly recognizing the desire to still protect Edward and his family. "There were times where I was allowed to go out on my own."

"Alone or not, you were probably being watched," Leah said with a shrug of her shoulders.

I nodded in agreement. "But whether I was being watched or not I used it to my advantage,"

"So what made you leave?" Leah asked. "If you were 'accepting' of the way your life was going, why did you leave?"

I paused and folded my hands in my lap. This was the moment that I had been waiting for, the moment to reveal what had happened when I left and why I left. I wanted Jacob to be the first to know, but my conscious was speaking to me now, Leah was the person to tell; and when I told her she would know exactly what to do with the information.

"It was a Friday night, when it happened." I began, my voice shaking nervously. I wasn't sure how she would take this confession. "It was one of the rare times when I could go out on my own,"

I was at a local coffee shop, Barney's, for one of their open mic nights. People from all over the town would come and listen or participate. People would read excerpts from books, some would read poetry, and others would sing. I was always a spectator, taking up my usual seat at the tiny table in the back and I would sit for hours on end just watching. I wouldn't interact with anyone but I still got my dose of a "social atmosphere" that I had been denied for so long.

"That's where I met him," I whispered a blush suddenly rising to my cheeks.

I could still picture his smile; hear his laugh; see the shine in his deep brown eyes.

"Wait, him?" Leah gasped. "Him who?"

"His name was Ian," I whispered.

Ian Michael Scott, was his full name. I had never seen him before, spoken to him or known his name until he told it to me that night. He was beautiful, gorgeous, everything that I could possibly want in a guy, physically at least. He was all of these things simply for one reason;

"He reminded me so much of Jacob," I sighed. "He could have been his twin."

I had already been sitting at my usual table for a good two hours when I finally met him. The last poet reader had just finished and two young men I recognized from my Shakespeare class were setting up for their acoustic set. I was busy staring off into space, thinking of Jacob when my view was suddenly filled with another being, sitting at my table…_with me_.

As my eyes traveled up from the warm copper colored hand that rested on the table across from my own, my breath had caught in my throat. Against all better judgment my mind immediately began to scream with delight, I had thought it was Jacob, sitting right there before me, like I had been dreaming of but five seconds earlier. When my eyes took in his face I nearly screamed.

"He looked so much like him," I breathed. "I swore it was Jacob, I thought he had come for me."

"So what happened?"

I sat there for a good five minutes staring at him, dumbfounded. He stared back with a crooked smile on his face, his teeth a gleaming white, his eyes shining with amusement. His skin was such a rich copper, his hair midnight black, done in the same style as Jacobs, short but spiky in the front; like he jelled it.

"Hey," he spoke. The sound of his voice caused a sudden stirring to build within me; a heat I hadn't felt in so long. His voice was deep, rich, and smooth; just like Jacob's.

"Hi," I breathed. I was aware that I was still staring, but I couldn't help myself.

"You come here often?" He asked a smile playing on the corners of his delectable looking lips.

The only response I could offer was rapid blinking and the shaking of my head.

"I didn't think so," he laughed. "I've never seen you around,"

"I-I've been a f-few times," I fumbled pathetically.

Without even trying this man was causing a strange feeling to build within me. As I looked at him all I could think was_ jacobjacobjacob_.

He was everywhere in him. In his eyes, his smile, his laugh. This man was Jacob…yet he wasn't.

"I'm Ian," He reached his hand across the space between us. "Ian Michael Scott."

I took his hand gently and nearly swooned at the warmth of it.

"Isabella Swan," I replied with a smile.

"No middle name?" He raised a suggestive eyebrow. I knew if I answered that, this conversation would lead to something more; and I wasn't sure I wanted to risk it. He was too much like Jacob.

"That's for me to know and you to find out."

I couldn't believe what had just left my mouth. I was actually flirting with him; a complete stranger.

"Well Isabella no middle name Swan," he pulled my hand to his lips and placed a chaste kiss upon it. "I look forward to finding out."

I blushed furiously as he returned my hand to the table a smile filling his face. I couldn't help the tingling feeling that was building within me. It had been so long since I had felt any sort of want or need.

"That makes two of us," I daringly whispered.

The rest of the night was spent chatting. We sat there as act after act performed neither of us paying too much attention to them, too lost within the company of one another. We talked about music, we talked about art, and we talked about literature. He was everything that Jacob was, though maybe a little bit higher on the intellectual scale. But unlike Jacob he had an advantage, no tribal duties or magical bonds holding him to his home. Ian was free to roam the country, to study and make a name for his self.

Ian was Native American, a member of the Navaho. He too had grown up on a reservation but had left at the young age of sixteen. He left his mother, father, brothers and sisters behind and found a home with his Uncle, a man who had also left the reservation looking for something more. He had lived with his Uncle and finished school, and went on to college and was now studying to become a doctor.

In Ian I saw Jacob and what he could have been.  
In Ian I saw Jacob and everything _we_ could have been.

As I sat and talked with Ian, I couldn't help but think of the life that I might have had with Jacob, had he not been tied to the pack and I not bound to Edward. The two of us could very well have been sitting in a coffee shop, preferably not in Alaska, discussing our lives, our hopes for the future; _our future._ There was an undeniable connection between Ian and I, one that had grown increasingly harder to ignore as the night went on.

It was this connection that found me leaving the coffee shop with him. This connection that found me on the back of his _motorcycle_, speeding to only God knows where. And this connection that later found me in his bed, naked, warm, and full of an undeniable feeling of pleasure and bliss that I had only dreamed of.

It was this connection that allowed me to lose myself within someone, within Ian for the fist time in my life. Though it was Ian who was making love to me that night, it was Jacob's face that I pictured hovering above me, Jacob's arms wrapped tightly around me, Jacob's eyes that I gazed in to, and Jacob's name that fell from my lips.

I had given myself to Ian.  
But I had given my heart to Jacob.  
I knew it was time to leave.

"So you lost your virginity to some guy who looked like Jacob?" Leah asked.

I blushed. "Yeah,"

"And that's why you left?" I couldn't tell whether she was disturbed by this notion.

"Yeah, listen I know it's weird and all-"

"Well yeah it's weird…but I understand, in a weird way," She said shrugging her shoulders. "I probably would have done the same if I was in your situation."

"Seriously?" I didn't believe her. No one in their right mind would have done what I had done knowingly and walked away from it thinking it was ok.

"Seriously," She shrugged. "But that's beside the point, how did Edward not prevent all of this?"

"He wanted to…I…I think maybe he suspected that something was bound to happen where I would eventually leave him for good." I said. "It might not have happened that night but he knew it would happen soon enough.

"So he just gave up, after everything?"

"Yeah, I guess he did."

"You guys make no fucking sense."

We sure as hell didn't.

I knew that Edward was there watching me that night. I couldn't see him but I had felt him there with me. Being crowded by him day in and day out had earned me the sixth sense of feeling Edward's presence. I ignored him though and he never ventured forward; he never breached the space between us. Edward had surprisingly let me sit there and converse with Ian for hours on end. I had no doubt in my mind that Edward knew of Ian's every intention, the thoughts going through his head, yet he did not intervene. I knew and he knew how the night would unfold; and we both accepted it.

When I awoke the next morning next to Ian the surprise of it all had not left me. Throughout the night, in the coffee shop, and when we had retired to his bed the shock of the 'acceptance' of this had weighed heavily on my shoulders, but I had cast it aside for another time, that time being the morning after.

I dressed quickly and woke Ian asking him to take me home. He dressed with no questions and we were out the door within minutes. When he dropped me off at the mouth of the Cullen's driveway we both knew that this would be the last time we saw one another; nothing else would come from the night that we had shared.

When he leaned forward to place a farewell kiss upon my lips I welcomed it eagerly attempting to push all of my gratitude and thanks into the one kiss. Ian would never know what he had truly done for me the night before; how he had somewhat 'saved' my life had saved me. It's weird to think that the simple act of sex and giving oneself to another can alter your life in such an unexplainable way. Ian had helped me find myself in a way that some would look down upon though I welcomed it fully. I knew that the battle had yet to be won, but I was forging ahead strongly, making my way towards victory.

I knew by the end of the day that I would no longer be a Cullen.  
And the thought only thrilled me; no fear attached.

"What did he say when you got home?" Leah asked.

"Not much, he already knew what was going to happen,"

Edward told me he had seen it coming.

"You can always sense when someone is about to leave you," he had whispered to me from across our bedroom.

I didn't attempt to comfort him or sugar coat anything in any way. Edward and I were over, done; for real. I explained to him that I was returning home and that he was not to follow me or contact me. I wasn't ready to forgive him for what he had done, I wasn't ready to let go of it all. No one stopped me or confronted me as I packed my bag. I didn't even offer a simple goodbye when I walked out that door.

I knew and they knew that it would be forever.

******

**A/N: Nothing I say can express the gratitude I hold towards you guys for all of the lovely reviews and words of encouragement. I have no excuse for you as to why this took so long except that I had major' writer's block. All my attempts at getting this out sooner were futile. I still am not happen with how this chapter turned out. **

**I would like to offer a HUGE thanks to ENCHANTRESS IN BLACK for making me the most beautiful Bella/Jacob fan vid that I have ever seen. I requested for her to make me a video after seeing some of her work and I absolutely love the video. SO CHECK IT OUT. I'll have a link on my profile and of course right here….**

**http://www[dot]youtube[dot]com/watch?v=ANjGM8y28fU**

**I have already begun on the next chapter and I hope to make up for lost time. Again I am so sorry. Like always I was unable to get everything that I wanted into this chapter, but for now this will have to do. **

**I hope I was able to answer some questions for you. Next chapter is going to be juicy and you'll love me for it…hopefully. **

**I have also closed my poll and it looks like I will be writing "Both Need Saving" next. Which makes me extremely happy because it's the one I wanted to write the most. lol. thank you to everyone who voted. **

**Thank you so much once again for the reviews and for sticking with me. You guys are the best and I don't know where I'd be without you.**

**Love you lots.  
xoxo B**


	13. I Don't Have The Strength

**A/N: Hello lovelies =) Once again a HUGE thank you to everyone who has read and reviewed this story. You all make me smile and laugh with your comments. I'll never get tired of hearing that you actually like what I'm doing, I'm still dumbfounded. **

**Also thank you to all my anonymous reviewers. I just recently realized that I wasn't allowing you guys to review my story, yes I know, shame on me. But the problem is fixed so now you have NO EXCUSE to not review =P**

**Any who some shout outs are required…**

**Mad props to JBismyRomeo01 for mentioning this chapter's song wayyyy back when. I love this song, it's my guilty pleasure =) **

**A special thanks to ****Nevaehell and tjbarber ****for the wonderful words of encouragement, TrueTayFans and agresha for always making me laugh and smile, and a special hello to my music soul-mate justbreathe19; what's up my twitter peeps?! **

**Oh and I can't believe I failed to mention this in the last chapter but…**

**Taylor Lautner is legal bitches! Now I don't have to feel like a pedo every time I drool over a picture of him…and I guess it's ok to finally start planning our wedding ;) **

**Well here we are a Ch. 13, still can't believe I've made it this far. Haha. But think you're gonna love it….hopefully.**

**Disclaimer: since it's been forever, SM owns it…bitch ;) **

**HAPPY READING!**

******

"_I know this isn't what I wanted  
I never thought it'd come this far.  
Just thinking back to where we started,  
And how we lost all that we are.  
We were young and times were easy,  
But I could see it's not the same.  
I'm standing here but you don't see me,  
I'd give it all for that to change." _

_-Nick Jonas & Miley Cyrus _

**Chapter 13**

**I Don't Have The Strength… **

Against all better judgment and fair warning from Leah I decided to continue with my plan of moving into Jacob's house.

"_Bella have you lost your mind?" Leah had hissed when I broke the news to them. Charlie stood behind her nodding his head. _

"_No I have not lost my mind," I argued back. _

"_Could have fooled me" Charlie had grumbled while stalking out of the room. _

_It was safe to say that neither Charlie nor Leah supported my decision. _

Although Charlie and Leah were both miffed and displeased they agreed to help me transfer my stuff to the house the following day. Charlie was going to take a day off of work and I was still on leave from the diner. After a long discussion with Yolanda I decided to keep my job with her after much convincing on her part. I wouldn't pick up as many shifts before due to the distance from Port Angeles but Yolanda said if I ever needed a shift to just call and she would have one available for me. I knew that even with my diner job I would need to find another job to help keep up with my new stack of bills.

Most people my age start with an apartment.  
I was starting with a house.

I was the only one who could really understand my reasoning behind keeping the house. Any smart person would have declined the gift the first time around, and a genius would have thrown the house back in Jacob's face, explaining to him that he could have his new fiancé and home and to "stick 'em where the sun don't shine," as Leah had so eloquently put it.

Well I'm not a genius, and I'm not smart…but I'm not stupid.

So it was this decision to live in his house that found me and Leah hauling my desk on a Saturday morning towards my front porch. It was the last item of mine that was being transferred to the house and it wasn't going without a fight. We stepped lightly, whilst Charlie watched from the porch, huffing and puffing the whole way; well at least I was. Leah was putting on a good show of looking tired but I knew better.

Although she had stopped phasing her strength was still present.

"Doing good girls!" Charlie yelled from his seat, raising his cold beer in the air a smirk plastered across his face.

He had "thrown out his back" half way through moving and had resorted to sitting on the porch watching us, directing us like cattle as we carried piece after piece of furniture into my new home.

"Thanks, Dad" I rolled my eyes as we reached the porch, setting the desk down in front of the door with a loud thud.

"No problem Bells, no problem." He chuckled before taking another swig of his beer.

"Well I'm glad this is over," Leah huffed as she plopped into the unoccupied seat next to Charlie, breathing heavily for good measure.

"Not quite," I grumbled sitting down on the steps. "We still need to drag this monstrosity all the way upstairs." I slapped the side of the desk, wincing at the sharp contact.

"Save it for the movers," Leah leaned back in her chair, flipping her long hair over her shoulder. "After we shop for furniture to fill the rest of this damn house, then _they _can come and put everything in its place," She declared.

"Sounds good to me," I shrugged.

"Uhh, shopping?" Charlie asked. I didn't need to look at him to know that his face held an expression of bewilderment and apprehension.

"Don't worry Dad," I laughed. "You don't have to go, you've done enough already,"

"Well that's great!" He hopped up from his chair and quickly moved down the steps and onto my front lawn, picking up speed as he moved towards the county pick up truck he'd borrowed. "Well then I guess I can head home,"

My mouth dropped at his care free movement as he opened the door of the truck.

"How's the back Charlie?" Leah yelled from her seat, laughing at my enraged expression.

Charlie fumbled with the keys at this and turned to face us, rubbing at the back of his neck.

"Oh, it's much better" He said sheepishly.

"Charlie!" I yelled, standing to my feet.

"Sorry Bells gotta run. He hopped into the truck and gunned the engine, offering a quick wave as he sped out of my driveway, Leah laughing hysterically the entire time.

"I cannot believe him!" I yelled turning to face Leah, who was currently clutching at her sides tightly. "It's not funny!"

"Oh, oh come on yes it is," She said through her laughter.

I couldn't help but smile at the look on her face; at her happiness. I allowed myself to laugh with her and plopped down into the seat that Charlie had previously occupied.

"I guess I can't blame him," I sighed. "Moving all of this stuff was hard work,"

"True, very true." Leah chimed.

"Oh come off it," I laughed. "You know you're not tired."

Leah turned to smirk at me. "Yeah, you're right."

I slapped her arm playfully as she let out another boisterous laugh.

"So, shopping?" she said after she calmed down.

"Yup," I said, popping the 'p'. "Shopping…"

******

"I can't believe you did that!" I cried out through hysterical laughter as we exited the IKEA of Port Angeles.

Leah strolled along beside me smiling devilishly, a bag of goodies for her propped on her arm.

"Oh he had it coming," She proclaimed shooting me a grin.

"But did he really deserve that kind of humiliation?" I raised a brow failing at my attempt to not smile.

"Of course he did," She blanched. "He was drooling all over me…I mean…not that I blame him."

I burst into laughter again as we made our way to my car.

After Charlie had left we shoveled down a quick brunch of eggs and bacon and then hopped into my car and made our way to Port Angeles. There were still many things that I needed and wanted to buy for my new house, Leah volunteered to help me. As we shopped around I couldn't help but notice that she had quite the eye when it came to interior design.

"You should see my house," Leah subtly bragged. "After my father passed I changed everything in the house. I think my mom knew to let me do it…it was my coping mechanism."

So I let Leah take over the trip. I already hand my master bedroom decorated and I was shopping for the guest bedroom. I told Leah that the guest bedroom could be her project, since she'd helped me out s much. She accepted whole heartedly and our quit shopping turned into a sudden storm, of curtains, bedding, carpet, decorations, and everything that went with designing a room. From the sidelines I could honestly say that watching Leah was an art form; she knew exactly what she wanted and where to find it.

"_You come here often?" I asked with crossed arms and a wide eyed expression. _

"_I'm a regular," _

_The poor boy who attempted to help us never had a clue. _

"_Well yeah he was drooling over you, what guy doesn't?" I shot back. "And the pack doesn't count," I interjected quickly. _

_Leah opened her mouth to respond but then thought better of it._

"_My point exactly," I smiled. "Anyways…he was kind of cute." _

"_Shut up," She laughed lightly nudging her shoulder into mine. _

_The poor boy in question was Laren; at least that's what his name tag had said. _

_Leah had been sifting through different choices of curtains when he approached us. He was all smiles and enthusiasm, his charm seeping from his pores and making its way into me. As soon as he had introduced himself to us, offering up help I was immediately taken with him; he was sweet. Leah on the other hand was not too impressed. _

"_We're fine," She had said curtly to him, not even bothering to look at him. _

"_Oh ok," I watched as his smile faltered. "Um, we've got some great carpets on sale and I know just the one that would g perfectly-" _

"_We're fine," Leah lifted her eyes to him for a fraction of a second and returned to folding the curtains in her hands. _

"_You sure, because it's a really great sale-" _

"_Listen kid," I gulped at Leah's tone of voice as she turned to face him. "I said we're fine, so why don't you run along and try your pathetic attempts at flirting on some other girl," My eyes widened. _

"_Leah," I scolded her quietly. _

"_What?" She hissed. _

_My heart ached for Laren at the defeated expression on his face. _

"_Right sorry," He mumbled backing away. "It's just, I see you in here a lot and I thought…I thought that-"_

"_Well you thought wrong," Leah grumbled turning away. "I'm not interested." _

_Laren opened his mouth to speak and then thought better of it. My hear went out to him as he shot her one last longing look and then slumped off, his head hanging low. _

_I stepped to Leah's side and grabbed an end of the curtains and proceeded to help her fold them. I stared at her in mock indignant and waited for her to acknowledge me. After we finished folding the curtains she whipped her eyes to me and sneered. _

"_What?" _

_I raised my brows and crossed my arms. _

"_That wasn't very nice," I said coolly. _

"_So?"_

"_So, it wasn't very nice." _

"_He's always staring at me Bella, it's irritating" Leah whined. I couldn't help but smile at her childish behavior. "Every single time I come in here."_

"_Still wasn't nice," I proclaimed and turned and walked out of the aisle heading towards the bath section. _

"_Bellaaaa" She whined. _

"_Come on we've been shopping for hours," I called to her. "Let's get this done, I'm hungry." _

_Leah mumbled something incoherent behind me and then followed behind me with the cart. _

The horn of my car beeped quietly as I unlocked the doors to my car with the remote and popped the trunk as we drew near. When we reached my car I shoved what I could into my trunk while Leah filled the back seat. I had also bought more furniture that would be arriving the next morning with the movers.

"If you don't mind my asking," Leah said as she stood from the back seat. She placed her hands on her hips and quirked a brow. "But how exactly did you pay for all of this? I mean Ikea's not cheap."

I paused and took a breath, then slammed down the trunk lid.

"Oh, um" I fumbled with my keys.

"Hey! Hey wait!" A male voice yelled at us.

I breathed a sigh of relief at the interruption as Leah's eyes widened at the sound of fast approaching, _running_, heels upon pavement.

"Are you fucking kidding me?" She hissed. "This kid just won't quit."

We turned simultaneously towards the approaching voice and were met with the sight of Laren running towards us. He was waving a yellow sheet of paper frantically in the air.

"Be nice," I warned as he came closer.

"Fuck that," Her response flippant.

Laren slowed to a stop in front of us.

"Hey," He breathed out shooting each of us a grin. I couldn't help but smile at the light in his eyes as he gazed at Leah.

"What do you want?" Leah scowled crossing her arms tightly over her chest.

"Leah," I warned.

She let out a low growl and took a step away from Laren. He looked anxiously back and forth between Leah and me, his smile gone. His eyes finally landed on me in what I assumed was a smart decision to go with talking to me rather than the gorgeous, uptight, annoyingly cruel yet endearing young woman next to me.

"Um, you forgot your movers consent form," He handed the paper to me.

"Oh my goodness," I threw a hand to my mouth gushing over him. "Thank you so much!" I needed to make up for Leah's lack of enthusiasm.

"Yeah, it's no problem," He said sheepishly, trying to hide a blush. "Just Ikea making sure we're not liable if anything gets broken you know?"

"And nothing will, right?" Leah growled.

Laren took a step back shaking his head wildly.

"No, no of course not." He raised his hands in defense.

I rolled my eyes. "Don't mind her," I said as Leah huffed and walked round to the passenger side and clambered into my car. 'She's always a bit moody,"

Laren nodded. "Yeah, no problem."

I smiled and rubbed his shoulder lightly. "Thank you though, you're sweet."

He blushed and looked at the ground and I laughed. I patted his arm and then climbed into my car and shut the door.

"God that was torture," Leah grumbled sneaking a peak out the back window to see if he was still standing there; he was. She sunk low in her seat.

I laughed and gunned the engine, rolling the window down.

"He's not that bad," I took my time buckling my seatbelt.

"Not that bad?" She whispered screamed. "He's a nightmare!"

I shifted the gear into drive and turned my head to her. "I think you like him," I smirked and gave a quick wave to Laren out the window and hit the gas, shooting out of the parking lot, so as not to subject him to Leah's outcry of denial.

******

We drove in content silence along the highway as we headed back towards my home. The sun was setting and the sky was lit in thousands of colors; different hues of blue and black, purple, red, and orange. It was fast approaching twilight and the air was cooling.

Leah's lips moved fluidly, singing along silently as Dashboard played through the speakers.

_I guess its luck, but it's the same  
Hard luck you've been trying to tame._

I breathed in the cool air that whipped about us through the open windows. I let the fresh air fill my lungs and felt the beginnings of a cleansing soul. It was moments like these that I enjoyed the most. Those quiet, calming, "I feel like I'm in a movie" moments, where everything in the world is still.

_Maybe it's love but it's like you said,  
"Love is like a role that we play." _

The time when your problems don't matter and the things that hurt are gone, and the hard things are no longer hard, they're easy, and you get that feeling that all hope is not lost, that maybe the world _isn't so fucked up_ after all.

_But, I believe in you so much  
I could die for the words that you say. _

It was these moments where I could pretend that everything was alright. I could convince myself that maybe this was all just a bad nightmare. That at any moment I would wake up by his side and the past three years would have never happened and I'd be wrapped up in Jacob's arms.

_But, I believe in you so much  
I could die from the words that you say._

I could push myself to believe that Lana wasn't his.  
I could push myself to believe that Jake wasn't hers.

_But, you're chasing the ghost of a good thing.  
Haunting yourself, as the real thing. _

Since the day that I had returned I couldn't bring myself to really think that things could be over between us. Sure I had entertained the idea but I never really put any substance into it. I knew that he was with Lana, I knew that he loved her; but never did I think that he would possibly choose her over me.

_It's getting away from you again,  
While you're chasing ghosts. _

Of course this was extremely selfish of me but could anyone really blame me? From the beginning, since we were kids, it had always been Jacob and Bella. When I had moved away to Arizona our connection had weakened but upon my return in high school it had only grown stronger; especially in the days without Edward.

I never believed that moving away a third time, _leaving him_ for a third time would completely sever that connection; destroy it.

I didn't want to admit to myself that things could possibly be over.

"Hey, you alright?" Leah asked from next to me.

I shook my head to clear my thoughts.

"Yeah, yeah why?" I turned to look at her.

"Um, you're crying," She pointed out reluctantly.

I turned my eyes to my review mirror and they widened at the sight. Of course my eyes were red rimmed and growing puffy. What little mascara I had put on before me left was becoming runny. I was fast approaching a hot mess.

"Christ," I mumbled, wiping at my tears.

"Hey it's cool."

"No, it's not." I grumbled. "I'm so sick of crying, I'm over it"

Leah nodded and allowed me a few minutes of grumbling.

"You know, it's ok to cry." Leah said quietly. "It's normal to feel things like this, you know?"

I let out a sarcastic chuckle.

"Right, it's completely normal to be an emotional wreck over a guy,"

"Well it's not like it's any guy," Leah laughed, crossing her arms. "It's Jacob,"

I nodded my agreement and settled back into driving again. I hated the sporadic ways of my emotions. I detested the fact that I could be enjoying myself one minute and then a complete wreck the next. I had sworn to myself, that I wouldn't allow myself to get upset over this but I was failing miserably at this promise.

A sudden loud clap of thunder tore me from my thoughts. Leah and I leaned forward to gaze at the sky which had darkened considerably. Rolling through the sky were mass clouds of blackened thunder. A flash of lightning streaked across the sky.

It's funny how the sky always reflects my mood.

"Looks like a storms rolling through,"

"Great," I mumbled. "Just perfect."

"Scared of a little rain?" Leah laughed.

"The rain I can handle," I mumbled. "It's the thunder that really gets me"

Just as I spoke this last line my car spit off an awful loud bang and began to shudder violently.

"No, no, no!" I cried as the engine roared in clanking sputters the noise deafening.

I slowed the car and pulled it alongside the road, coming to a complete stop. My hand came into contact with my steering wheel as the engine gave one final loud bang and promptly began smoking under the hood.

I beat my hands against the steering wheel and let out a frustrated groan, dropping my head to rest against the wheel, Leah laughing the entire time.

"I think God hates me," I groaned, banging my head against the wheel for good measure.

"No, this isn't God" Leah said. "This is karma,"

I sat up with a huff and glared at the smoking hood of my car. The swirling masses of smoke that rifted form the hood laughed and mocked me as they danced towards the graying clouds.

Smoke before fire.  
And then everything else shall burn.

Leave it up to fate and karma to deal me this heavy blow. My car was nice, but it hadn't always been nice. I'd had my share of accidents and some left more lasting damage then others. Truth be told, my Bertha was on her last leg.

"Need me to call a mechanic?" Leah asked, reaching for her pocket.

I nodded without saying a word, throwing my back onto the steering wheel as she contacted the nearest car garage. Ten minutes later Leah dropped her phone back into her purse and settled back into her seat.

"They'll be here in fifteen."

"Wow," I mumbled. My head bobbing with each movement of my jaw as I rested it upon the steering wheel. "We're already miles out of town, who'd you call?"

Leah shifted awkwardly, her silence failing to go unnoticed.

"Leah?"

"Black's Automotive," She whispered keeping her eyes trained on her lap.

"What?!" I cried, whipping around to face her. "Leah why would you do that?!"

"Chill out, ok!" She yelled back. "They're the closest and best garage around here…besides Jake isn't even working down at this branch yet." She slumped back into her seat.

"Well who was on the line?" I questioned with narrowed eyes. "After the bonfire fiasco I doubt any of them want to see me," I cried. "Do they even know that I'm with you?"

My heart was racing and my palms were sweaty. The last thing I needed was another run in with the pack. They'd already done enough damage.

"It was Quil and no they don't know," She shrugged. "But listen Bella, not everything is as it seems,"

"Oh so all of that was just for the sake of my _happiness_," I hissed at her.

I was angry, mad; _furious _with her. How could she put me into a situation like this?

"Look I'm sorry but who else was I supposed to call?" She raised her shoulders in a shrug of defense.

"Um I don't know," My words were biting and sarcastic. "How about a garage that _isn't _owned by a man who hates my guts and full of employees whom hate me, just as much if not more."

"They're the best mechanics I know Bella," She said. "And contrary to popular belief, the majority of them don't hate you."

"Well that's just great," I snorted. "Now I feel much better about myself."

Leah opened her mouth to respond but shut it tightly and slumped back into her seat in a huff. I drummed my fingers nervously against the steering wheel and avoided looking at her. I could feel the meltdown that was sure to come after this inevitable run in.

Why couldn't she have called someone else?

We sat in silence for another ten minutes. The sky had grown considerably darker and the ever present greenery around us cast us in a blackened shadow. If not for the bright lights I would have never noticed the tow truck approach us from behind.

"Thank God," I grumbled sitting up in my seat.

Leah pulled herself up from her relaxed state and unbuckled her seatbelt.

"Here, I'll go talk to him," she mumbled, climbing out of the car quickly.

Her door was shut before I could offer up any sign of acknowledgement.

I watched with bated breath as Leah approached the tow truck slowly. As she drew near to the driver's side of the truck she was shrouded in darkness, tiny droplets of rain falling onto my windshield obscuring my view. I flicked my headlights on in an attempt to help them out but was met with only the view of their waists and everything below. The clouds were overbearing and the sky too dark. From what I could see, Leah was standing a ways back from Quil, her arms gesturing quickly between them and the truck, Quil offered up no movement. After what seemed like ages, Leah made her way towards my car quickly. The rain was falling harder now.

I rolled down my window as she reached the side before she had a chance to nock.

"Hey what's up?"

"Bella I'm sorry," She said in a pleading voice.

"What are you talking about?" I asked.

Leah's head hung low as she gripped the windowsill tightly. The rain was pouring in.

"I didn't know-"

"Didn't know what?" I demanded, my insides twisting nervously.

Leah didn't answer me and my heart raced in anticipation. She shook her head once and turned her head towards the truck.

A clap of thunder.  
A flash of lightning.  
Karma really is a _bitch_.

My eyes widened. "Jacob," I breathed.

When would these surprises cease.  
Was fate ever going to cut me a break?

After ten minutes of stammering and begging to get someone else I reluctantly allowed Jacob to rig up my car to the back of his truck and tow us back to the garage. The ride was silent and awkward, Leah attempting to make light conversation with me, but I was too damn nervous and worked up to offer any coherent responses. Jacob sat in silence the entire time.

When we arrived at the garage, an impressive looking building; at least what I could see through the sheets of rain, I waited in the bed of the truck as Leah went inside with Jacob to discuss the damage of the car.

Call me a coward.  
Call me stupid.  
I just wasn't ready to face him.

After a good twenty minutes Leah emerged from the garage with Jacob following behind her. I opened the door to the passenger seat and climbed out, not bothering to shield my hair from the rain.

"Hey," I called, "What's the damage?"

"She's gotta stay over night," Leah shouted as she neared me. "Jake's gonna drive you back and I'm gonna borrow Quil's car."

"W-what?" I spluttered. She didn't actually expect me to get into a car with him, by myself, after everything that had recently happened.

"Yeah, Quil went on patrol and Jake said I could just drive his car back to La Push," She shrugged nonchalantly. "We're neighbors."

"Leah, I c-can't," I begged. "N-not without you!"

"Bella you need to do this," She said. She took a hold of my shoulders and looked me directly in the eye. "This is your chance to come clean, you have to take it."

I shook my head wildly; I was falling apart. My heart was racing at an abnormal speed, my forehead wet with sweat, the rain only adding to it.

"Leah, please."

"I can only do so much for you," She mumbled before letting me go. She turned to Jacob who was standing next to a pick up truck parked behind the tow truck.

"Hey thanks!" She called. "I'll see you around ok?"

Jacob nodded his head curtly.

"Leah you can't honestly expect me to-"

"Bella, I know you can do this." She pulled me into a quick hug and released me just as quickly. "I'll see you tomorrow ok?"

I fumbled over another protest but finally gave in at the stern look she gave me. At seeing my acceptance she squeezed me once again and then took off for a car, which was conveniently parked on the other side of the building, leaving Jacob and I alone in the parking lot.

"You ready?" He called to me, his voice muffled by the rain.

_No. _

"Yeah,"

I looked for any sign of Leah, hoping that she was playing some sick sadistic trick on me.

But she wasn't and Jake was still waiting.  
Karma can kiss my ass for all I care.

******

We pulled into the driveway of my house after a long, awkward, uncomfortable drive. Jacob pulled the car to a stop but left the engine running. I knew that he didn't plan on staying but Leah's words of encouragement were still ringing within me. I knew that this could possibly be my one and only chance and getting him back I knew I had to take it.

I sat in the truck and mulled over my thoughts a bit before taking a deep breath.

"So um, thanks for this." I mumbled wringing my hands in my lap. I looked at him out of the corner of his eye and saw the slight clenching of his jaw and the tenseness in his shoulders.

"Yeah, it's no problem." He mumbled, keeping his eyes trained forward.

I nodded and returned my gaze to my lap. We sat in silence again, neither one of us sure of what to do. I knew that I should remove myself from the car, leave and run inside; but I couldn't bring myself to do it. In a way I felt that by leaving this time, without saying what I wanted, I would be running away and I'd miss out, just like before. So I did the unthinkable.

"Do…do you," I stammered. "Do you want to come in for some coffee?" I mumbled. I didn't look at him, I couldn't. I didn't want to see the look on his face when he rejected me.

"Sure, sure" he muttered to my amazement, shifting the truck into park and killing the engine.

"Um, ok…ok great." I stuttered, failing to hide my surprise. It took all of the energy within me to not scream and smile with delight in that very moment.

We climbed out of the car and made our way quickly towards the house. I fumbled with the keys, due to nerves and finally got the door open after what seemed like ages.

We stumbled into the front foyer and Jacob flicked on the hall light as I shrugged my coat off, desperate to escape the soaked entrapment. Jacob closed the door with a thud and let out a low chuckle as the lights flickered.

"Don't think the electricity is going to hold out for long." He said, taking my coat from me and hanging it on the nearby hook. "We should light some candles."

I gazed at him dumbfounded. How could he act so aloof to what was happening?

"Uh, yeah sure." I mumbled turning and making my way towards the kitchen. "I'll just whip up some coffee quick, before it gives out."

I walked into the kitchen and made for the coffee machine, Jacob right on my heels.

"I'll light some candles," he said as he began rummaging through the many drawers of the kitchen. "Dad always left some lying around. I doubt you threw them out."

"Bottom left drawer by the sink," I replied.

For the next ten minutes, the only sound within the house was the sharp smack of rain upon the roof, the spluttering of the coffeemaker and the sound of striking matches as Jacob placed the many candles strategically throughout the house, lighting each one along the way. I couldn't help the warmth that filled me at the normalcy of this situation, how natural it felt.

By the time he made his way back into the kitchen I had a fresh cup of coffee waiting for him on the counter. Jacob smiled at me and sat on the bar stool at the counter and took a hearty swig of it.

"Thanks" He raised his glass to me. "I needed this."

I nodded a silent 'you're welcome' to him from across the kitchen at the sink counter where I was leaning. I felt it would be best to keep some distance between us.

He took another sip and then put his cup down, running a nervous hand through his hair. I steadied myself for the barrage of questions that I knew to come.

His steely gaze met mine, his eyes burning and intense.

"Are you still married to Cullen?" He whispered.

I was more than taken aback by this. I figured we'd start small, work our way up to personal things like that.

"Um, n-no."

"Divorce?" he questioned quickly.

"Annulment," I replied. "The day packed my bags and left."

"That quick?" He raised a brow in disbelief.

"The Cullen's…they've got connections."

"I see," He took another swig, I sipped on mine timidly. "You just let it go, must've been hard" he paused and shook his head. "Well then again, it was never really hard for you to let go of things now was it?"

And there it was, that biting tone and hard face. I knew it was only a matter of time until this new Jacob made an appearance.

"That's not fair," I whispered, my eyes instantly watering.

"Yeah well life isn't fair," He sneered. "I learned that the hard way."

"Jake I was only doing what I thought-"

"I don't want to hear your excuses," he hissed slamming his mug on the table. "I've had just about enough of them."

"Then why are you here Jacob?" I questioned, fury building within me. He glared at me, his body tensing and fists clenching.

"I want answers," He growled.

"Well you won't get them if you keep shutting me out," I hissed. "What's the point in trying to give them if you won't let me talk?"

"It's hard to let you talk when all I'm getting is excuses!" He yelled, standing to his feet. "I want the truth Bella, not some sugar coated bullshit you've been feeding everyone else!"

"I'm trying to tell you the truth but you won't let me!"

"No, it's _you_ that won't let it happen, _you_ that skirts around everything" he cried. "Just tell me why! Tell me why you left me!"

"Because of Lana!" I finally screamed, the tears rushing to my eyes. I slammed my mug into the sink and collapsed against it throwing my head in my hands. I willed myself to not cry in front of him.

"W-what?" he spluttered. "You didn't even know her-"

"I knew she existed Jake," I cried. "Just like Emily exists for Sam, and Kim exists for Jared." I whispered. "It was enough to know she was out there."

I let my words sink into him, too afraid to take in the heartbroken expression I knew was on his face.

"Bella," He whispered, his voicing filled with agony. I could feel him standing behind me, the warmth of him reaching out a drawing me in. "You really thought it could keep me from loving you?"

"Yes eventually," I mumbled.

His face was forlorn and broken.

"Bella-"

"Four days Jacob," I whispered. "We would have only been given four days."

"That's not true-"

"Jacob you met her four days later!" I cried.

"It wouldn't have mattered," he argued back.

"How can you say that?" I cried. "Jacob you're engaged."

He backed away from me, his eyes filling with tears. He stopped when his back hit the kitchen table.

"I-I" He fumbled. "I can't do this," he turned quickly and ran for the door.

I shook my head and let the tears fall, moving forward to go after him. When I heard the slamming of the front door, I picked up the pace and bolted after him, flinging the door wide open, hit with a strong gust of wind and a wave of rain.

"Jacob!" I yelled after him. He was already half way to his car. "Jacob, stop please!"

I flung myself forward and dashed down the steps racing after him.

"Jacob please!"

He stopped in his tracks at the sound of my approach. The rain dropped down in waves, the water sharp and cold against my skin. I stopped behind him and reached out a hand.

"Jacob talk to me," I grabbed his shoulder. "Please."

He allowed me to turn him around to face me. The tears fell faster now at his weakened stature. His shoulders sagged and his head hung low; I had never seen him so vulnerable.

"You weren't supposed to be there," he whispered, his voice making its way through the rain. "You weren't supposed to find out that way,"

"Would it have made it any easier," I questioned. "Would it have been better for me to find out through someone else?"

He looked away from me and didn't answer.

"Jacob I love you," I threw my hands into the air. "But I don't know what to do anymore!" My voice broke. "I know I fucked up when I left you, I know that believe me I do!" I reached for him and took his hand. "But don't…" I cried. "Please don't marry her, I won't survive it."

"I have no choice," he said. I dropped his hand and shook my head.

"You've always had a choice,"

"Bella you took away my choice the day you walked out on me, on us!" He roared.

"I did what I thought was right!" I shot back. "And I know it was wrong, I've admitted that I was wrong!"

"It doesn't change things Bella, what's done is done." His shoulders heaved with heavy breaths, his eyes ablaze with anger. "You can't just waltz back in here after _three fucking years_ and expect everything to be how you left it, life doesn't work like that!"

"Then tell me how it works Jacob!" I reached for him but he pulled away. "Tell me why we can't be together! I hate this!" I sniffed. "The fighting, the distance; this isn't us Jake." I cried into my hands.

He said nothing. My eyes widened.

"But there really isn't an, us anymore is there?" I took a step back and clutched a hand to my chest. I was slowly falling apart my world unraveling at this notion. My breath then came in quick short gasps, I was breaking down.

Jacob rushed forward and seized me by the arms, preventing me from sinking.

"It's hard Bella, it's so fucking hard and I don't know what to do," He cried, pressing his forehead to mine. "I love you I do, you have to believe me when I say it!"

"I do believe you," I said, gripping the front of his shirt tightly.

"I-I don't know what to do anymore," He released his hold on me and stepped back, his face twisted in pain, his hands clutching wildly at his heart. "I just…I can't stay away from you anymore, I don't know how." His eyes were pouring tears, the drops mixing with the rain as they glided down his face. "And it's killing me, it's tearing me apart inside"

I didn't dare speak, afraid to interrupt his confession. Scared that if brought to his attention, he would shut down, leaving me alone.

"God I wish…I wish all the fucking time that you could just…" he cried and tore at the ends of his hair, his face streaked with tears. "I wish you could just see the world through my eyes."

"Then help me see,"

I moved towards him and his head lowered towards the ground, his hands falling to his sides, his shoulders sagging in defeat.

"I'm engaged," he whispered.

"I know,"

"I love her,"

"I know,"

"I love you," He choked out as I placed a hand on the side of his face. "I can't stop, no matter how hard I try."

"I know,"

My eyes fluttered shut at his confession and shot open at the sudden contact of his chest against mine. His hands wound their way around my waist, gripping tightly and pulling me in impossibly closer. His forehead was hot pressed close to mine.

"I'm tired of fighting it," his lips ghosted across mine. "I don't want to fight it anymore."

"Then don't," I whispered, gripping the base of his neck, my other hand winding into his hair. "Don't fight it,"

"There's always going to be an 'us' Bells," He squeezed my sides as his tears fell relentlessly. "I don't have the strength to let you go,"

A clap of thunder.  
A lightning lit kiss.  
Please tell me this is a second chance.

******

**A/N: Sooooo was it everything you'd hoped for and more?  
hahaha. Well loves I hope you enjoyed it =) not disappointed with this chapter but as always, I feel as if it could have been better. **

**DON'T FORGET TO REVIEW!**

**Make a girl happy and hit that nice little green button down there, ok? Ok!**

**Love you lots  
xoxo B **


	14. Stay

**A/N: Each and every one of you is the reason why I continue to write. Thank you so much for the lovely reviews and kind words. I'm still amazed that people enjoy my writing. I hope that as we go along I can continue to live up to this high standard that I seem to have set. Thanks for sticking with me lovelies; I don't know where I'd be without you.**

**p.s. mad props to my lovely music/telly soul-mate justbreathe19, for suggesting, that I use a song off of one of our favorite band's new cd :) AND for making me a kick ass banner. **

**CHECK IT: **

**http://bnayy[dot]tumblr[dot]com/post/449517136/beautiful-banner-for-coming-closer-by-my-awesome**

**Disclaimer: SM owns what you recognize, everything else is mine**

**Warning: When life hands you **_lemons_**….well you know the rest ;D**

******

"_Wait now; tell me that it isn't over.  
Hang on, just long enough.  
If this is heaven  
Or if it's just a warning,  
Say you will stay with me  
Even if it's just till morning.  
If this is over  
Then why is it so hard?  
Just say you will stay with me  
One more night" _

_-Dashboard Confessional _

**Chapter 14 **

**Stay **

It felt like a dream…a very, very good dream.

I couldn't contain the desperate moan that escaped me as the feeling of his lips upon mine was increasingly becoming too much to bear. I had dreamed of this moment, wished for this moment, for this second chance.

"Bella," He whispered in between kisses, clutching my body tightly to his. "God, Bells"

I fisted the front of his t-shirt dragging his body further into mine, kissing him roughly pulling him deeper into me. His rough calloused hands gripped me hard around the waist, kneading and rubbing, setting a fire ablaze within me. My knees buckled beneath me as his tongue was suddenly wet, slick, and hot against my own waging an endless war inside my mouth. I could never get tired of the way he tasted. I let out a strangled sob and fisted my hands in his hair pulling him roughly to me. I wanted him closer, needed him closer to me.

The rain fell in torrents around and upon us, soaking us through our clothes. As he kissed me and clutched onto me tightly I could feel the hot tears that fell incessantly from his eyes as he poured himself into me.

I reveled in the way his body fit mine, every piece of him molding to me, wrapping around me like a warm thick blanket. I wanted nothing more than to bury myself into him, to sink beneath his skin into his very being; to become a part of him.

I let out a frustrated grunt as he tore his lips from mine, reaching for him desperately trying to pull him back to me. Did he not understand how much I needed this?

"Jake, please-"

A pleasurable sigh filled my body as his mouth moved across my neck, sucking and licking marking me as his.

"God…" I could barely speak as I sunk into his embrace as he continuously made love to my neck.

His hands danced across the skin of my back, slipping beneath the drenched fabric of my shirt, the heat of his palms warming my bare flesh.

"I need you," He groaned in my ear, nibbling and licking every surface he could reach. "I need you so bad."

I drug my nails upon his back across the wide expanse of his strong shoulders eliciting a loud groan from him. His hands fell lower gripping my backside tightly through my jeans.

"Bells," he groaned burying his face into my hair taking in the scent of me. "Please,"

"Take me," I placed an opened mouth kiss upon his chest. "Now, right now."

He squeezed me through my jeans and lifted me effortlessly into his arms. I wrapped my legs around him upon instinct and resumed his job and began to go to work upon the taut skin of his jaw, moving quickly down to his neck. I kissed and bit across the skin that lay above his collar bone. Jacob fumbled slightly as he practically ran us back to the house. We stumbled through the doorway and he kicked the front door shut as my grip around him remained firm.

I tore my mouth away from him as he gazed down at me with smoldering eyes. His eyes were black and intense with lust, need, and love.

"Upstairs," I breathed out. "Last door at the end-" I wasn't given a chance to finish as his lips were quickly moving furiously against mine and we were suddenly fighting our way up the steps.

I threw all caution to the wind as he carried me down the hallway towards my bedroom. I knew the risk of this, the chance I was taking; but to be perfectly honest…I didn't give a fuck. I wanted Jacob and I was going to have him one way or another.

The rational side of me knew that at any moment he could leave, that he could regain some sense of morals. He was an engaged man, tied to another woman, destined to be with her, not me. Yet here he was, wrapped around _me_, kissing _me_, moving towards making love to _me_.

Call me a whore, but I was milking this for all it was worth.

"Jacob!" I cried out as my back slammed into the door of my bedroom.

My sudden cries of slight pain and overwhelming lust were cut short by the softness of his lips moving roughly against mine. His body pressed tightly against me; trapping me against the door as his tongue fought incessantly with mine. I could feel every ridge, bump, and dip of his torso, through his drenched t-shirt.

Jacob let out a deep groan as my hands made their way under his shirt, running up the front of him, rubbing across his chest. I dragged my fingers up and down, back and forth feeling the contractions of his stomach with each ragged breath he took. I let out a gasp as he ground his hips against my center, the length of him igniting a more intense fire within me. I tugged on the bottom of his t-shirt pleading silently with him to remove the offending item of clothing. Jacob obliged, tearing his mouth from mine and whipping the shirt off, his lips quickly returning to mine.

He let out a deep guttural moan as I snagged his bottom lip between my teeth tugging on it.

"Fuck you're driving me crazy," He groaned.

He thrust up against me causing a low whine to escape me. I ran my hands over his bare naked flesh loving the feeling of his skin taut and warm beneath my fingers. My hands danced their way up his chest to wind around his neck where they found solace buried into the hair at the nape of his neck.

He continuously thrust against me as he removed his hands from my bottom and moved up and around to cup my breasts through my soaked t-shirt. A definitive rip sounded loudly through the hallway and my suddenly bare chest was met with the tantalizing warmth of his.

I tore my lips from him and looked down at my chest with wide eyes. Jacob had ripped straight through my shirt and bra, each item now hanging loosely off my shoulders.

I flicked my eyes to Jacob who wore a smug smirk on his face.

I smacked his shoulder lightly. "I liked that bra," I mock scolded as I allowed my shirt and bra to fall away from my shoulders.

He shrugged and suddenly his mouth was on me.

My head fell back and hit the door with a thud, as he palmed my left breast whilst biting and licking at the right. I was increasingly growing wetter and wetter by the minute the longer we kept at this foreplay.

I held his face to my breast tightly and couldn't escape the gasps of pleasure leaving my lips. All through this his hips had not ceased their movement against me. The friction was driving me mad.

I nearly lost it when his hand snaked down the front of my conveniently unbuttoned and unzipped jeans (when did that happen?) his hand slipping beneath my underwear; cupping the heat of my sex.

"Yes," I gasped as he began to move, rubbing against me. "Jaaacobb" I whined as he inserted a digit into me.

He removed his lips from my breast and nibbled on my ear lobe; two more fingers added. I clenched my thighs tightly around him.

"You like that," He growled, his fingers pumping relentlessly moving faster and harder with every breath I took.

I opened my mouth but was overcome with the sheer bliss of the feeling of his fingers moving inside of me. I could only nod a response.

"I want to hear you say it," He growled in my ear, his fingers falling into an even quicker pace.

"I-I…uhh" I cried out as his fingers moved rapidly within me bringing me closer and closer to the edge. I clawed at his shoulders, my head resting against the door of my bedroom.

"Come on Bells," He taunted, his thumb circling against my sensitive nub. "Say it for me,"

My thighs clenched tightly about his waist my heels digging into his backside, my inner walls clenching around his fingers.

"F-fuck," I gasped out as I fell over the edge, my forehead falling forward to rest against his as my body shook with pleasure spasms.

"That's it," He said as he ran his nose across my jaw and down to my neck where he began to place feather light kisses across my heated skin. "Cum for me," He whispered his fingers continuously moving within me, preventing me from coming down.

"Jacob," I wrapped my arms tightly around his neck pressing his body flush against me. The feel of his naked chest against my own was intoxicating.

He leaned away from my neck and removed his fingers from me, I groaned at the empty feeling. He smirked at my distraught expression and brought his fingers to his mouth, placing them inside licking his fingers clean of my essence.

I watched him with wide eyes, his never leaving mine. It amazed me how comfortable he was in his own sexuality.

He removed his fingers from his mouth and traced them upon my lips, the smell of my own arousal reaching my nose. I flicked a tongue out and tasted myself upon his hand. He let out a guttural groan and leaned forward; pressing his lips to mine in a sensual kiss his lips moist and warm.

"God you taste good," He spoke against my lips, his tongue reaching out to slip across my bottom lip.

I kissed him deeply, my tongue tracing patterns inside his mouth, my chest heaving with breaths of want and desire.

"I need you," I groaned, grinding my hips against his. "Now…please"

My thighs gripped tighter around his hips as my ears registered the faint sound of his zipper being undone. I groaned inwardly as he loosened my legs around him as he roughly yanked his jeans down effectively freeing his arousal.

Jacob gasped as my hand snaked down in the valley between us and I gripped him roughly, his length long, hard, and hot for me.

"Bella," He cried softly, as I stroked him. He thrashed his tongue against my neck biting down on my collar bone as my strokes came harder and faster.

I sucked at the skin of his neck, breathing heavily against him as I pleasured him. He thrust wildly into my fist, his breath hitching as he neared his peak.

"Fuck I'm gonna cum," He growled into my ear, fisting my hair and bringing his lips roughly to mine.

"Cum for me Jake," I moaned.

He thrust harder and then suddenly stopped, my hand still moving against him, my movements almost desperate. I wanted to make him feel as good as he had made me feel.

He reached a hand forward and ceased my movement, silencing my protestant outcry with his tongue against my lips.

"Jake," I moaned fisting a hand in his hair the other squeezing him. "Please,"

He shook his head. "I need to be inside you,"

A spasm of pleasure rocked my body as my jeans were ripped from me, the sudden heat of his naked skin on mine overwhelming. How was he able to do that? My legs shook in anticipation of what was to come.

I dropped my head back against the door as he teased his tip against my entrance, his head sliding up and down against me.

"God you're so wet," He growled, looking up at me his eyes blackened with lust.

I could only breathe heavily, too overcome with the heat of my desire.

"Jake," I gasped as he suddenly plunged into me, burying the entire length of his erection within me. He was hot and thick, pulsing inside of me.

He let out a heart pounding moan and dropped his forehead to mine. My body was overcome with an intense tingling sensation at being connected with him so intimately once more. We remained still, soaking in the moment, our breaths falling rapidly over one another.

I brought my hands forward and wrapped them around his neck, my fingers tracing light circles across the back of it. Jacob's breathing sped up even more, his sweet pine breath dancing across my lips, seeping into me.

I whimpered when he thrust forward, an entirely new sensation sweeping through me. I had never done this position before, Jacob being only the second man I'd slept with. He thrust again, bending his knees and angling upward. The feeling exquisite and new; hitting a spot that I'd only ever heard of.

I was panting heavily and Jacob began to swirl his hips as he thrust forward, my backside thumping slowly against the door. I lowered my head and rested my chin on his shoulder, biting down as I experienced the feel of every ridge and bump of his length rubbing against my inner walls.

"Shit," He groaned, bringing his hands round and squeezing my butt, palming my cheeks using them as leverage as his thrusts came quicker.

"Jacob," I whimpered as he thrust against my pleasure spot continuously.

"God you're so fucking tight," He hissed, bringing a hand round to toy with my nub. His fingers circled and pinched, sending courses of bliss shooting through my veins. "I fucking love it,"

I leaned away from him, raking my nails across his shoulders and up into his hair, tugging at his scalp. A shudder raked through him and the pace of his thrusts and dancing fingers accelerated.

I kissed him roughly as I met his thrusts match for match.

"F-faster," I whimpered against his lips.

"You want it faster?" He cooed in my ear slowing his thrusts considerably.

"Yes, Jake yes" I cried. His thrusts had grown painfully slowly, though much deeper than before.

"I can't hear you," He teased pulling all the way out and then slowly pushing back in.

"Faster," I whimpered clawing at his shoulders.

"What was that?" I glared at his wicked grin.

"Faster, please" A little louder.

"What?" His pace a little faster, a harder thrust.

"Uh!" I cried.

"Can you say it again for me?" Quicker still.

"Fuck me faster!" I screamed.

"That's it," He cried before slamming into me with an inhuman speed.

I let out a string of profanity as he pounded into me relentlessly, my entire back slamming into my door repeatedly. No doubt I would be sporting bruises in the morning. This was no longer about making love, this was pure unadulterated fucking.

"Sh-shit" I fumbled out as he hooked my legs over his arms his hips roughly meeting mine.

"That's it baby," He growled in my ear. "Fucking take my cock,"

I was so unused to this side of Jacob; the dirty talk, the cussing, but I loved it, I wanted more.

"Fuck your so fucking huge," I cried, my head thrashing round at the intense feeling.

And I wasn't lying. Everything about Jacob was huge. I guess you could chalk it up to being an ex-werewolf. Ian had been a good size, large for an average, _human_ guy, but this was Jacob…nothing and no one could compare to him.

I whimpered as his quick thrusts became harder. My eyes momentarily rolled into the back of my head as I was overcome with the most intense burning pleasurable sensation within my groin. I was reaching the edge and moving there fast.

"You like it?" He hissed.

"Uh huh," I whined biting down hard on my lip, as he removed an arm from under my leg and reached forward pinching my right nipple.

"Shit I love watching your titties bounce," He leaned for and tugged my right nipple into his teeth, tugging and pulling sharply.

His tone was vulgar his demonstrations rough; and I loved every second of it.

He allowed my other leg to drop and wrap tightly against his waist once more as he opted to run his hands up and down my body, caressing every inch of my skin. He leaned forward and ran his tongue across my jaw, sliding down to my neck and then on to in between my breasts.

His eyes were coal black as he pounded in to me, his jaw clenched tight as his thrusts became more frantic.

"Oh…oh shit," I cried, squeezing my eyes shut as I bounced in his lap against the wall. "Fuck yes!"

"That's it Bells," He ground out. "Ride my cock,"

"Jacob," I whimpered squeezing his shoulders tightly. "I-I can't…can't take it anymore," My head hit the door with a loud smack.

"Take it Bella," He ripped my hands from his shoulders and slammed them above my head, against the wall. I was at his mercy, vulnerable in this position as he slammed into me.

I screamed as his thrusts became more violent, all of his pent up sexual frustration releasing onto me.

"Shit, Jacob I'm gonna cum,"

"Cum for me baby," He groaned in my ear. "Cum on my cock,"

"Jacob," I groaned out as I fell over the edge, my limbs convulsing violently as I was rocked with an outstanding orgasm.

Jacob grunted his own release, my name falling gracefully from his lips as he spilled into me, his thrusts more frantic and desperate. His grip around my wrists tightened to the point of pain as he throbbed inside of me.

We remained there for several minutes, our heavy pants and the incessant rain hitting the roof the only sounds to fill the house. His body was slick with sweat brushing against me as my chest heaved with heavy breaths fighting to refill my lungs with much needed air.

He slowly loosened his hold on my hands and they fell away to rest upon my hips, his head sinking to lie upon my shoulder. I lowered my feet to the ground and allowed my arms to drape over his back pulling him closer to me. I hugged him tightly and felt the trembling of his body as he was overcome with silent sobs.

I placed a gentle kiss to his neck, and squeezed my eyes shut tight willing myself to remain calm, to fight the painful tearing in my heart at the feeling of his tears hot and slick falling down my back. I gripped the back of his neck and allowed a terrible shuddering breath out.

"Stay, please." I whispered.

He breathed in deeply and exhaled slowly.

"Sure, sure."

**** **

I awoke the next morning with a familiar pleasant feeling. My muscles sore from use, but a satisfying ache within my bones. I was curled up in my sheet on my bed, my comforter discarded on the floor, the light of the sun falling on my bed incasing me in glowing warmth. My hair was an unruly mess about my head, causing a smile to light my face.

"Sex hair," I giggled running a hand through it.

Though with all the familiar wonderful feelings after sleeping with the man I loved, there was the ultimate feeling of dread as I found myself alone…again.

It didn't hit me right away as I reveled in the soothing ache of my body and the warmth of my room. I hadn't noticed his absence until I rolled over finding the side of the bed, his side, where he had slept last night was still warm, though he was not in it.

I took a deep breath and fought the throbbing feeling in my heart and clambered out of bed quickly, wrapping the sheet around my body. He couldn't have left long ago, the heat of his body still present around me. I could feel him in the air.

I raced down my hallway and stumbled down the stars into the front foyer. I moved towards the door to check if his truck was still parked out side when a loud bang and particular nasty curse word reached my ears from the kitchen. I walked towards the kitchen cautiously unsure of what was waiting for me. I nearly lost my cool at the sight before me.

Jacob stood at the kitchen stove, clad in only a tight pair of black boxer briefs frantically dousing water on a smoking pan. From the looks of it he was trying to make breakfast.

I giggled softly and wrapped the sheet closer to me and moved to stand behind him. He let out a heavy huff of frustration as I wound my arms around his waist, pressing my lips to his back.

"Good morning," I mumbled against his strong back.

He placed one hand over mine and turned the stove off with the other.

"Morning," He mumbled running a ragged hand through his equally disheveled hair.

I blushed at the thought of our matching sex hair.

"You stayed," I kissed his right shoulder blade.

He removed my arms and turned to face me, ducking his head down to kiss me while his hands cupped either side of my face. His kiss was gentle and sweet against my lips, tasting of rain.

"I said I would," He mumbled kissing me again.

I ran my hands down the front of his chest and smiled into the kiss.

"I'm glad you stayed,"

"Me too," His hands moved into my hair. He kissed me deeply, his tongue leaving delicate traces on my bottom lip.

"Though I wish I could have woken up next to you," My voice was shaken and breathy.

I couldn't contain the rapid beating of my heart and the feeling of sheer joy that coursed through my veins at the simple fact that he had stayed with me.

"I wanted to make you breakfast," He gestured lazily to the pan of what looked to be charred cat food.

I stepped around him and gazed down at the still smoking frying pan.

"Scrambled eggs?" I raised a brow at the concoction.

"Pancakes," He grumbled folding his arms across his chest, his bottom lip jutting out in an adorable pout.

I laughed at his childish behavior unable to contain the wide smile that spread across my face. This, this right here felt right. Waking up with Jacob still here, in my home, with me, downstairs in the kitchen burnt 'pancakes' and all; this was right.

I stepped towards him and rubbed my hands up and down his arms, feeling the tight bulge of his biceps. I leaned upward and kissed his pouting lip.

"I love you for trying," I smiled.

He grinned. "Yeah?"

"Uh huh," I laughed, kissing him again. "A for effort,"

"An A?" He wrapped his arms around my waist and captured my lips again.

I nodded grasping at his arms as he leaned me backwards, arching my body into his as he kissed me longer, sweeter. His lips moved gently with mine in a perfect synchronization as if we were made to do this.

"Is that all I get?" His voice husky laced with desire.

I gazed into his darkening eyes and shot him a sexy smirk.

"What else could you possibly want?"

He tilted his head to the side as if considering the question and then fixed me with his own version of a sexy smirk, which completely blew mine out of the water.

"Oh I can think of a few things," He said smoothly, dipping his head once more.

"Is that so?" I stretched on my toes to meet him halfway.

"Uh huh," he growled taking my bottom lip between his teeth and tugging slightly. I groaned loudly wanting more.

He pulled away from me chuckling, his laugh deep and rumbling against my body. I pouted up at him sticking my lip out and he leaned forward.

"You know I can't resist you," He said into my lips before kissing me again.

I moaned and pressed my body into him, trailing my fingers up his arms and into his hair. He wound his arms around my waist and pulled me against him roughly as he bit down on my lip. I gasped loudly parting my lips and he slipped his tongue in massaging the inside of my mouth. My body was growing steadily heated as our kiss grew more passionate, his hands now roaming freely about my body.

I let out a satisfied sigh as gripped my waist and lifted me, plopping me down onto the counter of the island. He stepped between my legs and I brought him closer to me, our lips in constant contact.

My heart was racing rapidly as my hands roamed over the contours of his strong back, committing every dip and bulge to my memory. I was elated at the feeling of his body against mine, the feeling that screamed this was natural and that it was right.

For me this is what life should be like, what love should feel like.

"This is nice," I whispered. "This is good right?"

I could feel him smiling and it made my heart swell.

"I love you Bella," He kissed me deeply, his hands threading through mine. "Always"

Those same five words, spoken what seemed worlds ago.

"Always," I repeated leaning into him once more.

"And forever," He went on.

"Forever?" I breathed. This seemed too good to be true.

"Forever," He reinforced.

I couldn't silence the dull aching beat of my heart or the little voice in my head that screamed this was wrong.

I squeezed my eyes shut and steadied myself. Jacob stiffened at my sudden withdrawal.

"Bells?" His voice was concerned, bordering pained.

"How long does forever last?" I whispered, dropping my head.

"What…what do you mean," His words came out strained, as if he didn't want to discuss this, wasn't ready to talk about it.

"You know what I mean," I sighed.

"No, I don't." He just had to be stubborn.

"How long?" I paused and raised my eyes to his. "How long Jacob, before I'm back at square one without you, alone?"

He took a step away from me and shook his head. He let out a ragged breath and ran a hand sloppily through his hair. His shoulders tensed and he turned away from me. He leaned heavily against the opposite counter and bowed his head.

There was a long stretch of silence between us, an unbearable, barren desert of cold hard silence.

"Please don't do that," I buried my face in my hands. "Please don't turn away from me when things start to get rough."

"What do you want me to do?" He scratched out. It killed me to hear the pain and anger so clear in his voice.

"I want you to talk to me," I folded my hands in my lap and watched him as he was unresponsive.

"I don't know what to say," He retched out. "I have no fucking clue as to what to say to you."

I could feel the tears racing towards my eyes, a desperate race to see who could break the damn first. How did we always end up here? Happy one moment, then torn to pieces the next.

"Say anything," I pleaded. "Tell me anything Jacob, I want to know everything that happened, what might happen, I need to know everything. What you felt, how you feel now-"

"You won't be able to stomach it," He growled out; a challenge.

"I can," I was determined. "I will Jacob, just tell-"

"Fine then," He faced me in a sudden flourish, his eyes ablaze with anger. I shrunk away from him, though rooted to the spot of the counter. "How about what it was like when you left?"

"Jake-"

"How it hurt Charlie," I flinched. "How it nearly killed me Bella, how you destroyed me and everything we'd worked for!" His chest heaved with angry breaths. "I didn't know where you were, where you'd gone" He roared. "It was a nightmare Bella, you could have been a fucking leech for all I knew, you could have been dead!" He cried. "Is this what you want to hear?!" He roared in my face.

"I'm sorry-"

"Oh no, save it," He growled. "It gets better,"

"Jake,"

"How about the fact that I just couldn't let go of you; that I still held onto you after everything you'd done!" There were tears in his eyes though he refused to let them fall. "How I nearly turned my back on _my pack_ for you because I couldn't bring myself to hate you, I couldn't condemn what you had done. You nearly tore us apart." A single tear fell and it shattered my already mangled heart. "Or the pathetic fact that you were all I could think about, that there wasn't a single day that went by where I wasn't thinking of you!" He grabbed at the roots of his hair, conflicted with this confession and wanting to keep in all bottled up inside. "That even after you were gone and I knew you weren't coming back, after Lana, after all these years I still loved…still love you," His shoulders shuttered and his face was that of a wounded shoulder, broken and tattered, tired from a long hard fought war. "I shouldn't love you Bella."

His confession was tearing me apart from the inside out. It was killing me to hear what I had done to him, how I had turned my back on him and broke him again. I didn't want to face it but I knew I had to. I needed to face this if we were going to make it through this, if we were going to have a chance.

"Jacob," I whispered painfully.

"At first I thought it was all some sick dream" He laughed bitterly. "That you'd never showed up on my doorstep, that you'd never told me you loved me at all. And I wanted to believe that was true," His choked on his words, his tears relentless in their violent storm. "God I wanted to believe it was a dream."

I moved to get off the counter but he stilled me with a gentle hand on my arm.

"Then I started asking myself what if," He moved his hand along my arm until it was held loosely around my wrist. "What if you'd never met Cullen? What if there was no such thing as werewolves and vampires? What if you had never left? What if I had never met Lana?" My heart ached for him at the last mention.

"Jake," I sniffed.

"I once told you that I was the natural path your life would have taken, if the world was the way it was supposed to be," He moved his hand from my wrist and took hold of my hand. "But the world is different, riddled with folklore that I'd only dreamed of as a kid," His voice was soft as he spoke this.

I watched his gentle ministrations with my hand allowing him to rub tiny circles into my palm, and to thread his fingers through mine, now and then.

He breathed a heavy sigh and leaned his forehead to mine.

"And then I asked myself if it was me, if I was the problem," He wrenched out. "Was I not good enough for you?"

"No, no Jacob that's not true," I cried, cupping his face in my hands. I forced his eyes to meet mine and the pain in them was unbearable. "You have always been good enough, too good for me,"

"No, Bella" His tone defeated. "That's not true,"

"Yes Jacob, it's true! It's absolutely and completely true!" I pulled him in closer, pressing my check flush against his. I grabbed at the back of his neck and allowed my tears to fall gracefully across the skin of his neck. "There's always going to be those little what ifs Jacob. But we can't let them run our lives," I whispered. "Right now, right here all I need is you; fuck everyone else, forget everything else." I pulled away and grasped his hands tightly. "I just want you…and I know you want me too."

He stood before me in total silence, a battle waging within himself. His grip on my hands loosened and tightened as he fought the good fight and worked towards his decision.

"Jake I-" He cut me off with a sweet and simple kiss.

My eyes fluttered shut and I fell into him once more. His hands wound their way into my hair as he kissed me deeply, pouring all of himself into it, his tears intermingling with mine.

"What does this mean?" I gasped when he pulled away.

"Shh," He spoke kissing me again. "This is good," Another kiss. "This is right,"

"I love you," I said.

His sweet and gentle kiss was fast approaching love and lust filled passion. He moved his lips roughly against mine, his hands falling away from my hair and running along sheet clad body.

"I want you," My voice was laced with desire. "I always want you,"

I wrapped my legs tightly about his waist and pulled him impossibly deeper into me. I wanted to sink into his skin, to bury myself inside his love. I wanted to feel his body against mine; I wanted to feel him within me. My heart was his and his alone, I didn't want it back. I was Jacob's and I wanted nothing more than for him to be mine.

"I love you," He replied. "Always you,"

"Bella!" a loud and recognizable female voice called as they barged through my front door.

Our eyes popped open wide at the intrusion, Jacob mid grope. He looked down quickly taking in the sight of his left hand gripping my right breast, his other dangerously close to my naked center.

"Leah," I blanched. Her footsteps could be heard moving towards the living room.

"Shit!" He whisper shouted jumping away from me.

I scrambled off the island counter, my ankle giving and rolling slightly as I hit the ground.

"Ow, fuck!" I cried crumpling to the ground in a pathetic heap. Jacob's eyes widened at my loud mistake taking in the sound of Leah's fast approaching footsteps.

"Bella is that you?"

Our eyes widened impossibly further in horror. If we didn't move and move quickly she would find us.

"Are you ok?" He asked crouching low behind the island hiding from view.

"I'm fine, go!" I whispered waving him off. "Go before she sees you!"

He nodded his head quickly and dashed around the corner to the connected dining room just as Leah stepped into the kitchen. I took a deep breath and plastered on a fake smile, turning to her and cheesing it up to act as if nothing was amiss and I wasn't lying on my kitchen floor, naked, wrapped in nothing but a flimsy white sheet.

"Bella?" She questioned.

"Leah, hey" I smiled and gave a pathetic wave. "What brings you here on this…lovely morning," I gestured lamely to the world outside the kitchen window and smiled again, my cheeks aching with the stretched skin.

She quirked a brow and crossed her arms.

"Where is he?"

"W-what?" I could feel the blood rising in my face.

"Where is he?" She repeated.

"Where is who," I drew the sentence out, playing the flighty unknowing girl.

"Don't play stupid with me Bella," Leah smirked.

I shrugged my shoulders. "I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Ok then," I heaved a heavy sigh of relief at what I thought was her submission on this topic. I couldn't help but look on nervously as she began to pace the kitchen, drawing closer and closer to the room in which I knew he was still hiding.

I took a quick glance towards the dining room and turned my eyes back to Leah who was staring at me all knowingly.

She shot me a devilish grin that rivaled that of the Cheshire cat.

"Leah," I said her name in warning.

Her fingers twitched as I rose to my feet attempting to block her path. She bounced lightly on the balls of her feet. I knew I could never possibly out run her, but maybe I could tackle her if need be.

_Who am I kidding? She'd demolish me! _

"Don't," I warned.

She lunged to the left and I followed but was quickly thrown off balance as she pulled a spin on me and skirted her way around me skillfully by switching her direction to the right. I cried out in frustration as I fell to the floor once more tangled up within my sheet.

"Leah!" I roared.

A loud bang and a long slew of courses both from Jacob and Leah's mouth was the only response I received. I listened helplessly as their bodies collided in what seemed to be a fight to the death, no doubt they were wrestling.

After a good five minutes there was complete and utter silence.

I wobbled to my feet and gripped the sheet tightly around me, walking slowly towards the deathly quiet dining room. I wasn't sure what I would find but I figured it wouldn't be pretty.

As I rounded the corner I couldn't help the onslaught of laughter that possessed my entire body at the sight before.

Jacob and Leah were tangled up within their own limbs upon the floor. The only thing that came to my mind, in that moment was a game of twister gone horribly wrong. If not for their size and gender differences I don't think I would have been able to tell what body part belonged to whom.

But what I could see was Leah's arm wrapped tightly about his neck in a headlock, a look of triumphant victory upon her face.

Jacob rolled his eyes at my laughter and attempted to free himself from Leah's chokehold.

"Ah, ah, ah" She scolded. "Not until you say it,"

"Fuck off," Jacob growled. He choked suddenly as her grip tightened.

"Say it," She cooed.

"Fuck you,"

"Language Mr. Black," She mock scolded, causing another round of laughter to break free from me. "Now be a good little boy and say it."

Jacob let out a menacing growl.

"Fine," He huffed. "All hail Queen Leah, mighty warrior and Goddess. May she forever reign in peace…and burn in hell" He sneered as an after thought.

My laughter grew louder at his torture and the wicked grin on Leah's face.

"Eh, close enough." She shrugged releasing her chokehold on him.

Jacob let out a loud gasp of air, the sound of air rushing into his lungs filling the tiny room. Leah hopped off the ground and sauntered away from him to stand by my side.

"You're a real bitch," He growled.

"Blah, Blah, Blah," She flipped her hand about and came to a stop next to me. "Tell me something I don't know."

Jacob stood slowly to his feet rubbing at his neck.

"If I was still phasing I would have handed your ass to you on a silver platter," He growled brushing past her roughly.

"Newsflash buddy, I'm not phasing anymore either," She teased following behind him.

I shook my head at their playful banter, confused beyond belief. I thought she despised him.

"Newsflash" He mocked her. "I've been human now for three years, you've been human for like 3 weeks."

"You're point being?"

"My point being that wouldn't have happened under other circumstances."

I joined them in the kitchen and stood off to the side as I felt a sudden shift in the air, a palpable taste of sudden tension.

Leah's eyes narrowed as she took in his half naked appearance.

"I wouldn't have had to hand your ass to you," She took a second to glance over his figure, her scrutinizing glare causing a sudden flash of anger within me, jealously rearing its ugly head. "If you weren't sneaking around Bella's home half naked."

"It wasn't sneaking," I interjected into the conversation.

Leah turned her head towards me and cocked an eyebrow.

"Really now?"

"It's none of your business Leah," Jacob huffed.

She kept her eyes on me, assessing my appearance.

"It's my business when it comes to her feelings and the way you toy with them," She spat back.

His eyes widened his face suddenly furious.

"Me? Toy with her emotions?" he blanched. "You've got to be fucking kidding me."

"And it's also my business," She continued on ignoring his outburst. "When we've got about a dozen movers outside with Bella's furniture and _her father_" My eyes widened at this and Jacob and I looked at each other in fear. 'Who just so happens to be stopping by before he heads out to _target practice_ with some of his buddies."

"Oh shit," Our jaws simultaneously dropped.

He took one look at me and then dashed for the hallway, his feet suddenly pounding against the stairs in less then five seconds.

"Your welcome!" Leah yelled after him.

There was a short stretch of silence in which I backed myself into a corner desperately trying to escape the eyes of Leah. After what seemed like hours she let out a heavy sigh and shook her head.

"I'm not going to tell you that this is wrong or that it's risky," She said.

"Thank you," I replied weakly.

"Just…just be careful," She mumbled. "I'm always here for you Bella, but I'm tired of seeing you guys kill each other."

I nodded. "Yeah me too."

"I just hope you know what you're doing,"

"Actually I-"

"Bella!" I flinched at the sound of Charlie walking through my front door, his voice filling the front foyer; he did not sound happy. "You want to tell me why Jacob Black's truck is sitting in your driveway."

"Oh shit," I gasped, wrapping my sheet around me tighter.

Leah's eyes widened and then she moved into action.

"I'll stall, you circle round to the stairs and go get dressed," She pushed me towards the dining room as Charlie's feet approached the kitchen. "And try and think of a legit excuse to get yourself out of this one."

All I could do was nod frantically as I took off my sheet barely whipping around the corner before Charlie stepped into the kitchen.

As I sneaked up the stairs as quickly and as quietly as I could I could hear the light voice of Leah as she made small talk with Charlie, buying Jacob and I time.

I burst into my room and frantically shut my door locking it, just incase. Jacob stood by my bed, one foot in my room, the other out on the roof of the porch. He had managed to pull his jeans on but had forgone the shirt and shoes.

"What the hell are you doing?" I hissed.

He faced me with wide eyes. "I'm getting the fuck out of here before your dad finds me and kills me." He pulled his leg out the window. I rushed towards him and grabbed his hand before he disappeared. I couldn't help the sudden feeling of panic and dread that overwhelmed my heart. I needed to know that he wasn't leaving for goodbye.

"Jake don't go," I pleaded.

"Bella if I don't go now, I won't be able to come back," His words didn't process with me. "Because I'll be dead." He finished slowly.

"You're coming back?" I couldn't grasp that fact.

"Of course," He said, leaning back in to press a kiss to my forehead. "I'm not giving up in this Bella," He cupped my face in his hand. "Sweetheart I just got you back, there's no one in hell I'm letting you go now."

With a gentle squeeze of the hand and a swift kiss he was gone, taking across the front lawn towards his truck as several dazed and confused mover's looked on.

******

**A/N: Love it? Hate it? Let me know!  
I'm hoping you loved it. I'm sort of happy with this chapter.  
Hope I did alright with that Lemon…Blushing…..haha.**

**Well lovelies now its time for some shameless pimping, if you haven't checked these stories yet…then you should jump off a bridge….I kid…but seriously. **

**In no specific order…**

**Never Too Late by Spiritmccinnamon  
Black Coffee and Eggs Over Easy by MiddlemarchEliot  
How to Seduce a Werewolf by leelator  
Alternative to Apologizing by aowalison  
The Ballad of the Blueberry Muffin by IllegalWL  
Frozen Dawn by eanna23je  
Fate's Idea of Fun by little furry cannibals  
The Sun on My Skin by LovesJakeBlack  
The Fragrant Taste of Rain by Parvati  
Distortion by Wordslinger **

**Actually just check out EVERY story under my favorites list **

**Love you lots!  
xoxo B**


	15. Forgiveness

**A/N: IMPORTANT AUTHOR'S NOTE AT THE BOTTOM. HAPPY READING!**

**Disclaimer: yeahh, she owns it. **

"_Don't say a word just come over  
And lie here with me.  
'Cause I'm just about to set fire  
To everything I see.  
I want you so bad I'll go back on  
the things I believe.  
There I just said it I'm scared  
You'll forget about me." _

-John Mayer

**Chapter 15 **

**Forgiveness**

A loud knock rapped against my door, followed by the gruff sound of my name falling from Charlie's mouth. True to his stubborn and nosy fashion, his suspicious anger had not let up and he seemed determined to pin an error upon me.

"Yeah Dad?" I nervously answered just on the other side of the door.

I had thrown on a pair of old blue jeans and a rather tatty Iron Maiden Tour t-shirt, compliments of my mother, a mere three minutes before Charlie had come knocking. I sat down in front of my bed and grabbed my shoes tugging them on as fast as my shaking hands would allow.

He jiggled the locked door knob.

"What are you doing in there?" More suspicion.

I took a quick glance out my window and saw that Jacob had made a successful get away his truck no longer out front, although this did nothing to satiate my nerves. I knew Charlie would see through my façade if I didn't compose myself a little.

"N-Nothing," I stuttered.

_So much for remaining calm Bella. _

"Is there someone in there with you?" Charlie practically roared through the door, his voice sending shockwaves down my spine. He frantically pulled on the handle, all the while mumbling. My heart plummeted as my ears picked up words like, _Kill_, _rifle_, and _castrate_. "Bella I swear-"

I raced to the door and flipped the lock flinging the door open before he could finish his sentence.

I smiled at Charlie flush faced and winded, running a nervous hand through my hair.

"Hi," I said, a little overly enthusiastic with my plastered on smile.

Charlie peered round me into my room with narrowed eyes. I smiled at him and attempted to block his view, moving my head along with his, insuring that it was always my face he saw. Charlie took a step back and smiled, and then suddenly he was behind me and in my room.

My jaw dropped. Since when was Charlie so agile? And why was it that everyone could out maneuver me? I almost stamped my foot and cried with protest but I held it in.

"Dad what are you do-"

"Shh," he cut me off, placing a finger to his lips.

"What-"

"Quiet," he hissed, removing his gun from its holster.

"You can't be serious," I groaned my head falling back to look at the ceiling.

"Isabella," He scolded.

I eyed him warily as he took a short tour around my room, scrutinizing every surface of my furniture walking towards my closed closet. I knew what he was thinking and couldn't help but smirk at the fact that Jacob was long gone and wouldn't be facing the wrath of Charlie today.

But as he neared the closet my smug expression vanished, choked off by the strong hands of karma. Lying next to the foot of my bed, was Jacob's wet t-shirt and a large pair of work boots. I had forgotten he left the house barefoot and shirtless.

As Charlie approached the closet cautiously I snuck towards the end of my bed and scooped up the shirt, hiding it behind my back. As Charlie's hand wound its way around the knob of the closet I furiously kicked Jacob's boots under my bed. I could hear the slow turning of the closet knob and moved on to the head of my bed.

Charlie flung the closet door open with a great "Aha!" his gun thrust forward as if he was making a drug bust, one that he'd been working on for years.

He stood stock still for a moment and then let out a low string of profanities at my empty closet, four measly hangers of nice dress shirts the only sight meeting him.

I wanted to laugh at the furious expression on his face and the fact that I just knew he was hoping to find a cowering Jacob within my closet, but that was short lived. I was forced to shove Jacob's shirt beneath my pillow quickly as Charlie turned towards me, his eyebrows cross.

I smiled at him from my new position in the room and shrugged my shoulders.

"I don't know what's got you so worked up Dad,"

He squared his shoulders and placed his gun in his holster. He glared at me briefly as he shifted his belt tugging on his pants as a cowboy would and sauntered towards me. I couldn't help but roll my eyes at his weak attempt at intimidation. As he neared me I crossed my arms and took up his glare, match for match.

Charlie stood before me in what I assumed he was the ultimate stare off. I held my ground and willed myself to remain calm and stoic, like a statue.

After about five minutes of the useless staring Charlie sighed and his shoulders slouched.

"Why are you so worried?" I asked him uncrossing my arms.

"Why do you think?"

I shrugged and walked towards my bed.

"Because you _think_ you saw Jacob's truck in my driveway?" I tried to play the idiot daughter.

"Bella I know he was here," Charlie's manner was worn and defeated.

"Dad, it was nothing," I sighed, ducking my head so as not to meet his accusing eyes.

"It's never 'nothing' when it comes to the two of you," he admonished. "Bella you can't lie to me."

"Why do you care anyways, huh?" I stood from the bed; I was suddenly on the defense. "The other day you were practically begging me to go after him!"

"That was before he got engaged!" Charlie argued back. "Before he shoved Lana in our faces! Before that fucking fiasco of a bonfire!"

"In your face, you think he shoved her in your face?" I yelled and Charlie nodded furiously. "Unbelievable!" I threw my hands up in the air and attempted to walk away from him. Charlie grabbed my arm gently and pulled me back to him.

"Bella this is wrong" He hissed. "After everything, after _that night_ you're going to turn around and throw yourself at him? He's tied to her!"

"I'm not throwing myself at him, nothing happened!" Lies so many lies. "And he was tied to her in a relationship when you first encouraged me to pursue this," I hissed, ripping my arm from his grasp.

"And I regret it everyday-"

Charlie's hand dropped to his side and he hung his head low. A still silence crept over us, flooding our senses and stilling the room.

"I don't want to see you get hurt Bella," Charlie whispered, his voice full of unshed tears. "I only want what's best for you, you're my little girl" He raised his eyes to me and my heart broke. "I don't…I can't see you get hurt like that again…never again."

"Dad it was _nothing_," I breathed out, wrapping my arms tightly to my chest.

Couldn't he see what this was doing to me? The pain of the reminders that he wasn't mine to have was wearing on me. I didn't enjoy lying to Charlie, but I had just gotten Jacob back; I didn't want anything or anyone taking him away from me so soon.

Charlie took one look at me and nodded his head.

"Ok," He relinquished the argument and dropped the "cross father" act and I almost felt guilty for lying to him…but I had no choice. "I trust you,"

I blinked back tears and nodded my acceptance. He reached forward and gathered me into his arms. I hugged him tightly in attempts to reassure him that everything was fine, that I – we would be ok.

"I better get going," he mumbled into my hair, his body stiffening as if he just realized we were stuck in a loving family embrace…Charlie still wasn't good with showing affection.

I released my hold on him and stepped back nodding my head with a smile.

"I'll uh," he scratched the back of his head. "I'll stop by later maybe…" He paused and shuffled his feet. "I…I think I might try and call Sue, talk to her you know?" he shrugged his shoulders and avoided my eyes. "I miss…I miss her."

I smiled and hugged him again.

"That sounds like a good idea to me Dad," I said.

I didn't need Charlie to risk his happiness for the sake of my feelings and my own pathetic love life. It was already bad enough that my mistakes had caused a riff between him and the rest of the tribe, especially between him and Billy; his best friend.

"You're alright with that?" He asked as I pulled away for a second time.

"Yeah," I nodded. "This whole mess doesn't need to affect your relationship anymore than it has Dad, I'm really sorry for all the problems I've caused."

"No, Bells-" I held up a hand to silence him. I was tired of the excuses people were constantly spouting off for me. Although I may not have been the only one to blame, I still needed to learn to own up to the disastrous decisions I had made.

"Dad, I know that I've made some stupid decisions," he made a face that let me know he whole heartedly agreed. I bit back a snort as I continued on. "And I need to be the one to fix them; you don't have to fight my battles for me any more."

"Thanks Bells," He reached out and squeezed my shoulder lovingly.

I smiled and moved towards the door.

"Now come on, I'll fix you up some coffee before you head out."

Charlie's ears perked quickly and he rushed past me, practically running for the kitchen where Leah waited.

"I still can't believe he just let it go like that," Leah laughed as she bit into a large blueberry muffin.

It had been a good six hours since Charlie had left to go for target practice with two of his buddies from the department.

Leah and I were sitting at my kitchen table, munching on store bought muffins and sipping on cold orange juice. After my confrontation with Charlie I fixed him some coffee and sent him on his way and then joined Leah in the kitchen for some much needed downtime. My original plan had been to discuss with Leah what she had walked in on this morning but that was quickly pushed aside as she suggested we start our day off with a much needed chick flick comedy.

I was a bit perturbed at the thought of Leah wanting to watch a chick flick, let alone a comedy. I was learning something new about her everyday.

We had unanimously decided to watch "Just Like Heaven" and spent the next two hours laughing and crying along with Reese Witherspoon. When the movie had finished we reconvened in my kitchen where she pulled out the muffins that she had picked up on her way over to serve as a light lunch. As we settled in we began a simple conversation, discussing the finer days of our past, the times before all the magic and folklore had made an appearance.

Leah surprisingly had been eager to open up to me about her time with Sam, and the love that they had shared. She divulged in me the sweetest and sourest times of their romance, elaborating on all of the things that Sam had done for her to win her heart. Although she wouldn't ever admit it to Sam or anyone else besides me, Leah had told me that she was completely smitten with him from the moment she first saw him, though she had made him work for it, something about playing hard to get that she found irresistible.

She went on to tell me the romantic side of Sam, the little surprise gifts he had for her on every Saturday morning, to signify the day of the week that she had finally agreed to go out with him. I pegged Sam for a romantic but never thought Leah would be a girl to accept something so cheesy and adorably sweet as something like that.

As we talked I divulged in her the life I had before Forks, the one I lived in Jacksonville. She sat quietly and listened occasionally laughing when I told her my more embarrassing stories from high school life in Phoenix.

Moving off of that subject quickly I told her of my confrontation with Charlie upstairs in my bedroom. The embarrassing argument and the guilt I felt over lying to him about Jacob. As we sat and conversed over the muffins I realized that she had yet to ask me what happened between Jacob and I and I was thankful for her distance on the subject, for her lack of prying questions.

"I mean clearly it's never 'nothing' when it comes to the two of you," She continued. "He had to know that something was up…I don't get it." She finished, shaking her head, biting into her muffin once more.

I noticed that although she had stopped phasing her appetite for food hadn't seemed to lessen any.

"Yeah, I'm not really sure I get it either," I said, picking at my own muffin.

"I think my mom's softened him up a bit." Leah grinned.

"How…how is your mom?" I picked off a piece of my muffin and chewed it silently.

I hadn't heard Leah speak about her mother since the fiasco, I wasn't aware that they'd been speaking.

Leah shrugged. "I wouldn't know, I haven't talked to her,"

I swallowed roughly and nodded my head.

"But Seth said she's doing alright, moping around a bit," Leah said softly. "He thinks she realizes what happened was wrong." She pauses and sets her muffin down. "He said she wants to see me, but I'm not quite ready to go back there yet."

I completely understood. Leah's relationship with the pack had become a strained one as of late. She claimed it wasn't all because of my return but I didn't believe her. It seemed the only wolves she was currently getting along with were Seth…and Jacob.

"So, what's with you and Jacob?" I asked.

"I don't hate him," She admitted. "I'm pissed off beyond reason for what happened at the bonfire, but in all honesty, he didn't know you were going to be there."

"And the rest of them did?"

Leah nodded her head slowly.

I clutched a hand to my chest and bit back a gasp. That had been a painful blow. They all knew, every single one of them knew what was to be announced that night, and yet they still wanted me there, wanted me to witness Lana's victory. People who I had once and sadly still considered family had betrayed me in the worst way.

"Oh," I managed to choke out. "I see,"

"Bella just forget about them," Leah reached across the table and clutched my hand. "They're all fucking idiots if you ask me, don't let their stupidity get to you."

I laughed and nodded my head as she pulled away. She was right, I needed to forget about them and focus on me and Jacob.

"Leah I don't know what to do," I admitted.

"About what?"

"The whole Jacob thing," I sighed. "I don't know where we stand or what any of what happened means."

"Judging by your attire and the state you two were in this morning," I blushed at her words. "I think it safe to say that it means he wants you," Leah laughed.

I tried to bite back my smile but was unsuccessful.

"Yeah but, he's engaged to Lana, I mean right now I'm-"

"The man stealing whore?" Leah interrupted me a wicked grin on her face. "Home wrecker? Standby Slut? Maneat-"

I glared. "True but those are too derogatory," Leah burst into laughter at my interruption. "Let's just say the other woman."

"Fair enough," She snorted.

"So what do I do?" I asked. "I love him, and…and I want to be something more to him,"

"You want him to leave her?"

"Of course, I mean, I don't want to be the woman on the side for the rest of my life." I threw my hands up in frustration.

"But you would be…if he asked you to?" Leah asked her voice clam, the question drawn out.

I knew she wasn't insinuating or accusing me of anything, just trying to help me see the severity of the situation and what I was possibly getting myself into.

"I…I don't know," I lowered my head in shame. "Is that bad?"

"You should have more self respect for yourself," Leah whispered. "No man, Jacob or not, is worth lowering your standards and self worth Bella." She took my hand again. "You deserve a lot more."

"Thanks," I mumbled, sad that I couldn't completely agree with her words.

I knew that I deserved to be more than just something on the side, but I was unsure of whether I was worthy of being more than that to Jacob.

I had hurt Jacob on countless occasions, always thinking of myself over his feelings. Had denied him the love that he so rightfully deserved; I had denied him my heart when it so clearly belonged to him. I had selfishly kept him at my side, always running to him when things with Edward were strained, never having the strength or courage to let him go completely, unable to relinquish his heart so that he could move on.

I had kept him at a distance but I had latched myself onto him in the same instant.

We sat in silence for a few minutes as I contemplated her words. Leah patiently sipped on her orange juice and ate another muffin as she waited for me to finally bring up what I knew she was dying to talk about.

"So-" I opened my mouth the say something but Leah held up a hand to stop me.

"Can we skip the introductions and unnecessary details?" She asked.

"What?"

"Give me the nitty gritty Bella," She spit out leaning forward, her eyes ablaze with curiosity. "Clearly you and Jacob got down and dirty last night, and I want to know everything."

"Everything?" I blanched.

I mean Leah had seen us the first time, did I really need to recount last night for her in full detail?

"Ok, maybe not all the details," She sat back. "Seeing the two of you once already was enough," She shuddered. "I guess I don't need to know everything."

I nodded my head furiously in agreement.

"Well what can you tell me?"

I looked down at the cup of juice within my hands and began counting the pulp within my orange juice.

How was I supposed to tell her that last night was possibly the most mind blowing sex that I had, had yet? How was I going to tell her that the feel of Jacob's body moving against mine as he pinned me against the bedroom of my door had nearly driven me insane…and that was before he'd really touched me. I didn't know how to put into words the way my heart felt like it was going to beat right out of my chest when he told me he couldn't stay away from me anymore.

I didn't know how to express to her in words the way I had felt when told me he'd stay.

"It was probably number two on my list of best days of my life"

Leah nodded. "What's number one?"

I shyly smiled and shook my head.

"Nope, can't tell you."

"Why?"

"Cause then I'd have to kill you," I said with all seriousness.

Leah's spine stiffened and she eyed me warily her lips set in a thin line before splitting and suddenly breaking out into a wide smile.

"Right Swan…I'd like to see you try that,"

I made a move to respond to her challenge when the sound of my doorbell ringing served as an interruption. We turned to each other with curious eyes.

"Neighbors?" Leah shrugged.

"Maybe," I got up from my seat and moved towards the front foyer. "No one's stopped by yet since I moved in,"

I had moved fully into the front foyer now with Leah right on my heels. We both stood before my door, me a little apprehensive and Leah impatient.

"Well what are you waiting for?" She crossed her arms as my doorbell chimed once more.

"I don't know," I wrung my hands together, Leah arched her brow. "Right…nothing." I breathed out grabbed the door handle swinging the door open slowly.

Both of our jaws simultaneously hit the floor at the sight before us.

Right there before us stood, Seth, Quil, and Embry along with Jacob who stood behind them, all holding pans of what looked to be some serious home cooking. From the brilliant smile on Seth's face I assumed that it had come from his mother.

"Hi Bella!" Seth practically screamed in excitement. I winced slightly and returned his infectious smile; Seth had always been such a sweetheart.

"Hey Seth," I returned. "Quil and Embry," I drew out as if I were asking a question.

They beamed at me and held up their heavily loaded pans to me. I eyed them cautiously and looked to Leah for some insight, but found that her face only mirrored mine, she was just as confused.

This couldn't be good.

"Peace offering," Quil said shoving the pan practically up under my nose. I glanced down and noticed it was a large helping of glorious looking Macaroni and cheese, my absolute favorite.

My stomach growled in anticipation.

I looked to Embry and Jacob who both nodded their heads offering up their plates of a large ham and what seemed to be a green bean casserole. I looked to Seth who clearly held a rich looking blueberry pie.

I looked to Leah for some much needed advice yet she only shrugged her shoulders. I rolled my eyes and turned to the hopeful smiles of the three wolves and ex-wolf in front of me.

"I don't think-"

"Aw Bella come on-" I held up a hand to silence Quil's outburst.

"I don't think…" I shot him an annoyed glance, he bowed his head. They all stood stock still waiting with bated breath. Could this day get any stranger? "I don't think…that you have enough food for the whole lot of us…unless there's more in the truck?"

The blinding smile that shot to Jacob's face at my words sent my heart racing and my knees shaking. Quil and Embry let out a loud whoop pulling me into a blazing hot, and not in the sexual way, sandwiched embrace. I cried out in surprise at the sudden contact but laughed along with them as they set me back down on my feet only to be swept up into another hug by Seth.

Leah watched with shining eyes as Seth twirled me around with one arm and let out a menacing but playful growl at Quil and Embry when they attempted to sandwich her turn. My heart warmed at the sight of them interacting. Although Leah had projected the image of despising them for the bonfire incident I knew deep down that she missed her pack brothers.

Quil, Embry, and Seth made their way into my home carrying their pans, Quil having grabbed the pan of Ham from Jacob. Leah followed close behind them offering up head ruffles and slaps on the back as they picked right up on teasing her as if there had never been an anger between them.

I smiled and turned back to face Jacob who was still standing on my porch. He stood before me with a shy smile on his face, his hands dug deep into the pockets of his jeans.

"Hey," I smiled at him.

"Hey," He ran a hand through his hair.

We stood in silence, him rocking on his feet, me shifting back and forth my lips caught between my teeth unsure of what to say.

"Um, thanks for bringing-"

I was cut off by the feel of his lips moving softly against mine. I bit back a groan and pushed him away though not far enough so that I could feel the constrictions of his chest as his hot breath caressed my forehead.

"What are you doing?" I whispered. "They could see-"

He cut me off with another mind blowing kiss rendering me speechless my brain completely turned to mush.

"I don't care," He growled and then kissed me again.

"You…should…" I managed to breathe out between kisses.

"What I should be doing is this," He pushed several locks of my hair away from my shoulder and lowered his lips to the skin of my neck, nipping and biting along my exposed collar bone up and back to the sensitive patch of skin behind my ear. I stood stock still for about a nanosecond before I sunk into him, wrapping my arms loosely around his neck as he continued to place sweet kisses upon skin. He ran a hand slowly through my hair and I let out a sigh of contentment.

He pulled away from me and pressed his forehead to mine.

"I missed you today," He whispered.

"You just saw me this morning"

"So," He leaned down and placed one last sensual kiss on me, my knees giving out, his strong arms encasing me against him, holding me up. I pulled away from his and pressed my ear to his chest, taking in the sound of his fast beating heart.

"Hmm, well I missed you too," I snuggled closer to him. He wound his arms tighter around me and dropped a chaste kiss on top of my head. We stood there together, content with just the feel of the other in our arms.

If give the chance I would stay there forever.

"We should head in," He said pulling away from me.

I hid my reflexive pout and nodded my agreement, taking his hand and pulling him through the door. As we walked hand in hand towards the kitchen the loud ruckus voices of Leah and the boys bounced to and fro on the walls. Jacob smiled down at me and squeezed me hand lovingly before releasing it as we stepped into the kitchen.

Of course our rekindled love would have to remain hidden. A fact that was thrilling and saddening all at once. I wanted to freely express my love for him, show the world that Jacob Black meant everything to me, that I would do anything for him and his love.

Leah and the rest of the guys were currently seated at my kitchen table conversing quietly with bent heads and low whispers. Upon our entrance all heads simultaneously shot up each one of them, minus Leah shooting us a sheepish grin.

"Way to not be subtle guys," Jacob laughed and joined them at the table.

I shot

I shot Leah a questioning gaze and she simply mouth "I'll tell you later,"

I stepped towards the table and clapped my hands together.

"So, whose hungry?"

"Seth I swear your mom is a culinary Goddess," Quil groaned as he allowed his fork to clatter to his plate.

They had polished off everything, all 5 pans of Ham, six pans of macaroni and cheese (apparently it wasn't only my favorite but everyone else's), the four pans of green bean casserole, and the 8 blueberry pies.

I thought I'd never live to see the day of an overfed werewolf.

"Tell me about it," Embry sighed patting his stomach. "Man I've got a food baby now,"

"Try food Duggars,"

"What?" Leah groaned from her seat.

"You know," Quil's hand flopped around. "Eighteen and counting…as in babies."

"Gross," Seth groaned his head flopping down onto the table with a hard smack.

"Dude," Jacob laughed. "I think its like nineteen and counting now."

"Sick" Quil snickered.

"And I repeat, gross." Seth mumbled.

I chuckled quietly at the scene of sprawled out bodies all across the table as I sipped on my coffee. I had finished my meal ages ago only able to help myself to one plate of food. I had foolishly hoped that there would be extra macaroni left over to serve as my dinner tomorrow, but of course there was not.

Dinner had been an interesting one to say the least.

Quil and Embry had apologized up and down throughout the entire dinner for the bonfire fiasco. It the beginning I had an inkling that maybe Jacob had put them up to this, but as the dinner went on the sincerity and honesty of their apologies and thoughts on the entire situation revealed other wise. Jacob had also divulged that it had been Quil and Embry's idea to stop over for this special dinner.

Through their apologies I had learned that although they had all knew about the engagement announcement not all of them had wished for me to be there. Embry confessed that the ones to be held responsible were Sam, Jared, and Paul. It cam as no surprise to me, I always felt that those three never really liked me to begin with.

"_They really don't like me do they?" _

Everyone had lowered their heads in complete silence and my question went unanswered.

After learning that fact I was able to let my guard down and forgive them more easily. Being under Sam's control and having to go along with his plan to "scare me off for good" as Quil had quoted straight from the Alpha's mouth, had certainly dealt a heavy blow to their pack the other night. They were on the outs at the moment, split between hating me and loving me.

It angered me that no matter how hard I tried I was continually coming between people.

Jacob then informed me that Billy really had had no idea what was to happen that night. He had only told him right when the bonfire started that he was going to be announcing his engagement at the bonfire. Jacob had stumbled over his words uncomfortably at this confession, also stating that he was originally supposed to make the announcement the next weekend at a separate bonfire.

"_Billy later told me that he tried to call Charlie after I told him," he gulped. "But you were already on your way down, and Charlie doesn't have a-" _

"_Cell phone," I groaned. "I really need to get him with today's time." _

I then asked them why Sue had referred to the bonfire as a celebration to Charlie when she too had no idea of Jacob's intention. Turns out Emily and Sam were going to announce the sex of their baby; _that _was the original celebration.

I guess I kind of ruined that too.

"I say we watch some TV or something." Seth said, pulling his head off of the table and giving me a small smile.

I nodded my head as everyone else grumbled their agreements, getting up from the table.

"You guys can just leave your dishes, I'll clean up," I said grabbing the two closest plates and heading for the sink.

Leah and the boys grumbled their thanks and ambled off to the living room, the sounds of my television filling the room seconds later.

I finished clearing off the table and began to wash the dishes when I felt the undeniable feeling of a pair of eyes on me. I knew who it was.

"You know its impolite to stare," I lightly scolded, looking over my shoulder at Jacob.

He stood leaning against the doorframe that separated the living room from the kitchen and gazed at me intently.

I turned back to the sink and recommenced the scrubbing of the plates. Within moments I felt the slight heat of his left arm pressed against my right as he picked up a towel and began to dry the various plates, cups, and silverware.

"Thanks," I smiled looking up at him.

He nodded his head offering me a tiny smile and resumed drying. We worked in silence, the sounds of Leah and the boys hollering over what I presumed to be a very intense football game being the sounds that washed over us.

"Is this ok?" He asked, breaking our comfortable silence.

"Is what ok?" I was on my last plate.

"Them, us….being here?" He mumbled. "I didn't mean to bombard you but they really wanted to see you."

"Of course its ok." I replied, rinsing the soap off of the plate. "Granted I was royally pissed off at them…but I missed them more."

He nodded and took the plate from me, dried it and gently laid it atop the growing stack of plates. Before I could dismiss him from helping me anymore he tossed his towel at me to dry my hands and began to place everything in its right, drawer and cabinet.

I dropped the towel onto the island counter and hopped up on the counter and watched him as he put away the dishes. I marveled at the way his muscles flexed and moved as he lifted and shifted his arms about as he worked the bulge of his muscles all too apparent through the tight white t-shirt he was wearing. I couldn't help but let my eyes wander lower as I took in the glorious sight of his blue grease stained jeans and the way they hung low on his hips, revealing the dimples of his back every time he stretched high, his shirt riding up in the back. And then my eyes traveled lower taking in and appreciating the way his jeans hugged his butt perfectly.

I was growing steadily warmer as I watched him work.

Jacob soon finished the job, placing the last stack of plates within the cabinet closing it shut, the click of the door final.

He turned around to face me and stopped suddenly his body going rigid. I looked at him confused and looked down and around me, then wiping at my face hoping there was nothing on it. When I discovered nothing I looked back at him and then realization hit once I took in the sight of his lust clouded eyes.

It had only been this morning when I sat upon this same counter naked, kissing Jacob, getting ready to make love to Jacob once more. I let out a tiny whimper and his chest resounded with a low primal growl. He moved slowly towards me each movement precise and thought out as if he were a predator stalking his prey.

He eased my thighs apart and stepped between them; reaching around my back and pulling me flush against him. I let out a tiny gasp as I felt his apparent arousal, hot and ready for me already pressing against my stomach.

"Jacob," I breathed as he buried his face into my neck, resuming his delicious actions against my skin that he had performed upon my doorstep early. "They're right in the living room" I whispered.

"I don't care," He breathed against my neck sending shivers racing down my spine. "Bella I love-"

"Hey Jake man," Quil called.

Jacob yanked himself away from me as Quil stepped into the kitchen.

"Oh hey…" Quil paused unsure on whether he had just seen and interrupted something he wasn't supposed to.

"What's up?" Jacob was cool and calm; I on the other hand was shaking with nerves, my eyes trained towards the ground.

"Um…Sam just called me," He stopped and I turned my head to look at him. I needed to erase Quil's suspicion. "He needs me, Em and Seth to head back for patrol…" He looked back and forth between Jacob and I. "I was wondering if you were gonna ride back with us."

I waited for Jacob's answer with bated breath, praying in my head that he would say no.

"Nahh I think I'm good." Jacob waved his hand nonchalantly. "I'm just gonna crash at the garage tonight."

Quil's eyes narrowed and mine shifted towards the ground.

Another thing that I had learned tonight was that although Quil and Embry were sorry for the bonfire fiasco, they weren't sorry for supporting Jacob's current relationship…they actually liked Lana.

"Um, ok I guess we'll head out then." Jacob nodded his head as Quil backed towards the living room slowly as if hoping to catch any sign from us that indicated what we had been up to before he had set foot within the room.

"I-is Leah going with you?" I asked with a failed attempt at keeping my emotions in check.

"Yeah she's heading out too, wants to talk to her mom."

"That's…that's good."

"Yup," he popped the 'p' and then left the room but not without throwing a sidelong glance at the two of us.

Once I was sure he was gone I buried my face in my hands embarrassed.

"That was too close," I mumbled.

Jacob laughed and moved towards me again.

"This isn't funny," I growled looking up at him. "He almost caught us!" I hissed.

"Relax," He stepped between my legs once more and kissed me. "They're gone."

"No they're-"

I was cut off by the mild bang of my door closing shut.

"Oh," I was mildly hurt by the fact that Leah hadn't said goodbye. "That was quick, I didn't even get to say goodbye,"

"Oh well," Jacob growled into my ear before he picked me up and threw me over his shoulder quickly making his way upstairs before I could even offer a cry of protest.

How was it that he still had his speed?

"Jacob!" I managed to shout and beat on his chest as he already reached my bedroom door, kicking it open violently and rushing into the room, tossing me onto the bed.

I was only given about five seconds of preparation breathing time before his lips were on mine, moving wildly against mine. I let out a groan of satisfaction as he moved in between my thighs grinding down hard against my center. I cast my head back at the friction and he went to work on my neck again.

Everything was happening so fast, my shirt suddenly off, my jeans quickly moving towards joining them on the floor.

"Jacob," I gasped as he sucked particularly hard behind my ear, pushing against his chest.

"Bella," he growled pressing harder into me mistaking my pushing hands for passion.

It was all too fast.

"Jacob…" I gasped as his tongue flicked out across my skin, drawing a line from my collar bone across my jaw. "Don't…too fast…uhhh" I moaned as he grabbed my hips and pulled me hard to me his long strokes.

"Don't stop?" he growled moving a little quicker.

I was losing myself within him within the heat. I needed to get a grip on things. I did desperately want to make love to him right then and there but after all the confessions of the night all I could think of was Quil's accusing face and the vivid picture of Lana's engagement ring burned into my mind.

I needed answers, we needed to talk. I didn't want to be just an object of sex for him.

"Jake stop!" I managed to gasp out as his hand slid into the front of my unbuttoned jeans.

He stilled above me and gazed down at me with confusing eyes.

"S-Stop?" he questioned, a look of hurt flickering in his eyes.

I nodded my head furiously, willing my eyes to not fill with tears. I didn't want to hurt him with this rejection but I needed answers.

He climbed off of me slowly and sat back on the bed a short distance from me. I sat up and moved towards him and took his hand.

"Are you ok?" He asked. "I'm so sorry, I should have asked-"

"Jake I'm fine," I cut him off. "Everything was just…it was all moving too fast."

He nodded and mouthed a 'sorry'.

"I kinda just…I just wanted to talk tonight ab-"

I was cut off by the shrill sound of a cell phone ringing. Jacob reached frantically into his pocket and let out a string of curses before looking up at me and then back at the phone contemplating whether or not to take the phone call.

"One minute, sorry" he mumbled before climbing off of the bed and turning his back to me as he hit the call button.

"Hey baby," He cooed. I winced at the sound of it, my heart clenching tightly in my chest.

Lana was on the phone.

I could hear the muffled sound of her voice as she answered him.

"Yeah…yeah I'm still at the garage," he looked over his shoulder at me. I turned my eyes down to the comforter of my bed, picking at a loose thread. He turned back around and resumed his conversation.

"I know bummer right?" He laughed. I could hear her laughing response and I cringed at the smile that I knew probably lay plastered across his face as he listened to her speak. "Hey sweetie can I call you back? I've got a customer approaching," I looked up at him with wide eyes, he was now facing me. "No, no I don't think I'll be home tonight," I blanched. They lived together? "I know I'm sorry, but I've got a shit ton of work here, what with us just opening and everything. I'm just gonna crash at the garage tonight."

He paused and then turned away from me as Lana went on talking, probably complaining like the whiny little bitch she was.

"I know, I'll…"He paused. "I'll make it up to you later," he attempted to whisper but I heard him. I couldn't help but let a tiny gasp escape me at this.

Jacob turned round to me and frantically waved his hands as if to say it wasn't what it sounded like.

"Yeah, I miss you too." He said looking directly at me. "Yeah you too. Night."

He hit the 'end' button and threw the phone onto my dresser. He turned and cautiously walked towards me. I couldn't meet his eyes.

"Bells?"

"Yeah?" I sniffed.

Shit, I was getting emotional.

"What did you want to talk about?"

I snorted and lowered my eyes fiddling with the loose sting some more.

"That actually…her."

"Oh," He gulped. "Bells I'm sorry."

I held up a hand to stop him and moved up to the head of my bed, crawling under the covers.

"Bells," He took a step closer. "I'm sorry-"

"It's ok," I whispered. "Can you…can you just hold me?" I lowered my eyes to the bed. "I…I don't want you to leave just yet…at all actually." I waited silently for his rejection.

I couldn't bring myself to look at him as he crossed the space between us to sit on the end of my bed. I didn't want to look him in the eye when he would undoubtedly tell me that we couldn't do this; that last night was a mistake. I wrapped my arms tightly around my chest.

"Bells…"

I stilled my breath when I felt the weight of his body sink into my mattress. I turned away from him and lay on my side. I held my breath tight inside in attempts to hide the wracking sobs that threatened to escape me. I didn't want him to leave; I didn't want to lose him.

He wrapped a warm hand around my shoulder.

"Come here," he pulled my body gently against his chest, wrapping his arms around me, encasing me within his warmth.

I let the sobs control me as I sunk into him and laced my fingers tightly within his.

"Shh, it's ok," he whispered into my hair. "I won't leave you, I'll never leave you."

I kissed the palm of his hand repeatedly before bringing it to rest upon my rapidly beating heart.

"I love you," I whispered into the quiet air.

"I know," he breathed into my hair. "I love you too."

I slept soundly that night.

**A/N: You like? Let me know! Hope I didn't disappoint loves. **

**Once again I must apologize for the ridiculously long wait. Writers block is a bitch. **

**I just wanted to offer up a quick hello to new readers and old. If your new to this story or even if you're a veteran reader I just want to remind you all that you can find updates on CC on twitter where you can find me at www[dot]twitter[dot]com[slash]4EverDreamland. I'm on there constantly. **

**Xoxo**

**B**


	16. Let Go

**A/N: Here it is! The long awaited next chapter!**

**So sorry it took so long –- well I won't keep you waiting any longer. But read the author's not at the end!**

**Special thanks to my AMAZING beta brandinm05 –- she's seriously so fucking awesome and I love her for putting up with my horrendous grammar and spelling. You rock!**

**p.s. there's two songs for this chapter, the regular chapter song and another special one. I highly suggest you listen to "Let Go" by RED when the time comes…you'll know when that is. **

**p.s. there's a special POV waiting for you down below. *cough* JACOB *cough* ;)**

**Disclaimer –- as much as I wish I did…I don't own twilight or any of the characters. Well I own Lana –- not something to really be proud about though. **

"_Prepare myself for a war,  
And I don't know what I'm doing this for.  
Trying to let it all go.  
But how can I when you still don't know?  
I could wait for you,  
Like that hole in your boot,  
Waiting to be fixed.  
I could wait for you.  
What good would that do,  
But to leave me bruised?  
Darlin' here's to you and your lover.  
Darlin' I got years." _

_-Damien Rice _

**Chapter 16 **

**Let go**

If given the option to stay here forever, I would.

Lying in this bed in this house, everything is calm and everything is clear. There are no doubts or such things as second guessing. There is only the two of us, our love, and everything that we have lost and gained as one.

If given the option to stay here forever I would; no matter how wrong some may say it is.

The steady sound of heartbeats, two not one, is all the convincing I would need. The silent sounds of tiny breaths escaping two bodies would only add fuel to the fire of my desire to stay.

For lying here with her…is all I ever wanted.

_**3 years ago**___

It was late and Bella still had not returned. It was beginning to seem as if all my fears had come true.

I paced the cramped space of my bedroom, my hands continuously running through my ragged hair, my body shaking fighting off the tremors of the wolf who desperately wanted to be set free. I calmed myself again and again with words of what was quickly becoming false hope, convincing myself that she just needed time, that she would be home soon.

I couldn't accept the fact that maybe it had all been a lie.

Just the simple thought of her running back to that fucking leech, back into his arms tore at my heart my mind. But she wouldn't do that, she couldn't. Especially not after everything that we had said, the words and promise that had left our lips

It wouldn't be the first time she left you behind.

_The more realistic and pessimistic part of my conscious hissed at me. I ignored it and continued my pacing completely aware that I was wearing a hole into the measly rug that lay on my floor. _

_I could hear Billy moving about in the kitchen most likely fixing himself a sandwich getting ready to settle in the living room and watch the latest episode of "Deadliest Catch". He had poked his head into my room late last night and saw Bella lying in my bed wrapped within my arms. He had simply nodded and smiled knowing exactly what it meant. _

_No doubt he was dying to call Charlie about it. Those two gossiped as much, if not more, than the old ladies that hung out down at the market every weekend. _

But does he really have good news for Charlie?  
Are you sure that she's coming back?

_I let out a mild growl and grabbed the closest thing to me and chucked it towards my mirror, the loud crack of the glass successfully silencing the annoyingly persistent voice of my conscious. _

_After Bella left this morning Billy had given me a wide berth of space, knowing all too well the stress that I would be under as soon as she left. He had after all watched this girl break my heart over and over again. _

He's only counting down the minutes until she does it again.

_Seriously? Could my conscious be anymore fucked up?_

"_Jacob!" My dad called from the living room, the sounds of intense fishing filling the background. "I think someone's here for you," _

_I cursed silently and left my room my feet carrying me quickly towards the front door. I had been so wrapped up in my anxiety that I had failed to hear the approach of a vehicle. _

_Billy shot me a hopeful smile as I moved past him, reaching out for the door knob. _

"_Bella! I called out hopefully, stepping out onto my porch. _

_The brilliant smile and warm brown eyes that I had been expecting…were not there waiting for me in my front yard. Instead I was met with the suddenly devastating scene of Charlie stepping out of his cruiser. I scratched my head in wanton confusion. Charlie's face was grim as he moved slowly towards me a stark white envelope clutched firmly in his hand. His jaw tensed as he looked at me; his shoulders shrugged in defeat._

_With that one look my world came crashing down. _

_I shook my head in denial as he neared me, his eyes giving away the terrible truth, revealing that my worst fear had indeed come true; my vision blurred. I reached a hand to my cheek and felt the wetness of tears upon my face. _

_My heart rate increased and my skin grew hot, even more if possible. Charlie was standing in front of me, suddenly his hand reaching out for me; I swayed on my feet. _

"_Jacob-"_

"_No," My voice strained as I took a step back. "No," _

_Charlie reached for me again as I swayed more dangerously, my legs threatening to give out from underneath me. _

"_Jacob," He said again "I'm sorry" _

_I caught sight of her delicate handwriting marked upon the front of the envelope. The curves and straight lines of my name screaming at me; the thick black lettering tearing at my heart. _

"_She left this for you…"_

"_No," I groaned, the tears coming faster now. "No, no, no"_

"_Jake?" My dad called, the sound of his wheelchair moving towards us a fading noise compared to the sudden ringing in my ears. "Son?" _

_I looked to Billy, my tear filled vision unable to prevent me from seeing his heartbroken expression as he shared a silent glance with Charlie. _

"_Jake," Billy reached for my hand and I let out a strangled sob._

_The ground beneath me spun wildly as I openly cried, moving away from them physically, my mind retreating right behind it. The hurt and betrayal was overwhelming, consuming me in the despair that tore at my heart. _

_My skin pushed and pulled against the pain of my heart; the anger of my wolf. _

"_Jacob, son you need to calm down" Billy's voice was tranquil and commanding, but nothing could quell the searing hot burst of anger that shot straight from my heart and into my veins, searing my blood. _

"_Billy?" I could hear the concern in Charlie's voice as he took in the sight of my shaking frame; I could taste the fear. _

_She promised me. _

Promises are meant to be broken.

_I hissed at my conscious. _

"_Jacob I need you to get a hold of yourself," Billy begged. "Now!" _

_I was vaguely aware of the change of pace in my breathing; the heavy pants of heartbreak and pain. _

"_Billy what's going on?" _

She lied to you, she never loved you.

_I let out a rumbling growl trying to fight down the wolf. Charlie stumbled backwards, his hand automatically reaching for his gun. _

"_Jacob, please!" Billy hissed. _

_She told me she did, she promised me._

I hate to say I told you so.

"_Jacob?" Charlie's voice was frantic now, his feet taking slow measured steps away from me. _

_The wolf in me snarled, recognizing the connection this man held with my heart; my pain. _

"_What the-"_

You should have known better.

"_Charlie I need you to leave," Billy advised, wheeling closer to me as I backed myself into a corner. _

Honestly, what did you expect?

_Shut up._

"_Jacob I know you're hurting," Charlie suddenly changed tactics and took a step towards me. "I'm hurting too." _

_My teeth snapped instinctively at him; his eyes widened in fear. _

You knew this would happen.

_I didn't…_

"_Stay calm," Billy urged wheeling closer. I bared my teeth in warning._

"_Jacob just listen to me," Charlie pleaded. "It doesn't have to be this way." _

It will always be this way.

_No._

"_You need to leave," Billy hissed. "Try to understand this," _

"_Jacob, I know Bella loves you," Charlie reached out a hand for me his eyes hopeful, yet his stance spoke of a defeated man. _

_I let out a ferocious growl at the sound of her name, my body hunching the first signs of phasing making an appearance. _

She'll never love you.

_Liar! _

"_Charlie, leave!" Billy yelled ceasing his approach towards me "Now!" _

"_Jacob I want to help" he pushed on. "We can help each other, we'll find her together," _

She's never coming back.

_No. _

_I shook my head furiously at them, Charlie's approaching figure setting my skin on fire, the hairs of my neck standing on end. _

"_There's nothing you can do," Billy argued. _

She doesn't need you.

_Shut up_

"_Jacob," Charlie stepped towards me. I flinched and took on a defensive pose my teeth bared my eyes ablaze with anger. "She loves you; don't let it be this way," _

She only needs him.

_Fuck you._

"_Don't give up on her," Charlie begged. _

But she's already given up on you.

_My chest tightened, my body shook faster_.

"_Charlie! Get back!" Billy roared. _

"_Jacob please," _

She's gone.

"_Shut up!" I roared. _

_I swung my body full force around and slammed my fist into the wood paneling of the house, bits and splinters of wood raining down over my hand and arm. _

It's over.

_I fell to my knees before them my hands clutching the roots of my hair tightly, fighting against the pull of the wolf, my anguished cry piercing the night. _

It's always been him Jacob, it will always be him.

I shook my head wildly in attempts to escape the memory. I bit my tongue and fought the fresh onslaught of tears. I needed to let this go, this biting hatred and anger that settled in my heart over the years that she had been gone. That was the past and this was the present; yes Bella had hurt me when she walked away from me, _from us_, but I needed to forget it. I needed to let go of my insecurities and focus on what was in front of me and the current situation that I had put the two of us in.

I looked down at Bella, who continued to sleep soundly, and couldn't fight the smile that pulled at the corners of my lips. I pulled her closer to my body and relished in the feel of her flushed against me.

I knew that what we were doing was morally wrong; but I couldn't stay away from her no matter how much I knew this would kill the two of us.

But it had been too long since I had been able to hold her like this, too long since I had been able to bask in the feel of her heart beating in time with mine, her tiny breaths ghosting across my naked torso stirring a burning love deep within me. The three years that I had been forced to live without her had been the longest of my life. The constant worry and pain over the assumption that she was out there somewhere dead, cold, "living" with those bloodsuckers had eaten away at me and broken down my defenses. My belief in her death had in turn killed me; had literally fucked me up. I really haven't been right since she left; I've only really begun living just recently, four months before she returned.

But I know this doesn't excuse my behavior and my actions, and I know what I'm doing is wrong; _but I can't stop_.

I know that Bella doesn't deserve the pain I'm inflicting on her and most importantly Lana doesn't deserve this either. And the fact that she's in the middle of all of this, a position that I had put her in tears at my heart constantly.

In all honesty I owe Lana my life…without her…well I would have never survived that incident four months ago.

When I had first met her I immediately felt a strong pull towards her. She was young beautiful and kind; but most importantly she was strong. Lana was exactly what I needed and she remained to be just that over the years. When I had first seen her I felt that maybe things could move forward, that my future could possibly lie with her, even if Bella still lay in the dark recesses of my mind.

And I knew that Lana knew Bella would always be there; I could see it in her eyes. Yet she stuck by my side through all of the highs and the lows, the good days and the bad; and the bad days greatly outweighed the good ones. Lana was there to pull me out of my spiraling madness when I felt as if the pain of Bella's absence was too much to bear. She held my hand through all the tears and bore the scars of my biting words in the heat of our arguments inflicted by me. She never flinched, faltered, or argued back; she took each hit with a rare kind of poise and grace.

She knew that it was my grief speaking…and still she stayed.

Over the years I grew to love Lana very deeply. And although it pained me to admit it at times, my love for her could possibly…not it did rival my love for Bella. Lana was there for me, had always been there and Bella…Bella was gone.

The times when Lana felt me pulling away from her, sensed my growing fear of abandonment, she would always find some way to remind that she was here and she wasn't going anywhere; that she wouldn't leave me like Bella had. She never came out right and spoke ill of Bella but I knew that her hatred for my former love ran deep.

I can understand the hate that Lana holds for Bella, it was my fault it was placed there in the first place.

As if sensing my weighing guilt, Bella shifted in her sleep, pressing her body closer to mine; almost as if to bury herself within my skin. Her tiny hand came up to rest on my chest right above my heart. My insides twisted with guilt and love creating a tumultuous storm within me.

_I shouldn't be doing this, we shouldn't be doing this. _

The guilt of what I had done behind Lana's back had been eating away at me for days. The fact that I'm an engaged man and sleeping with a woman, who is not my fiancée is a very, very bad thing.

I needed to figure things out and do it fast, I couldn't…we couldn't keep up this charade any longer.

I always knew that it would come down to a choice. I always knew that I would eventually have to pick between my current love and my past and still present love. I knew that the choice would someday come, even if Bella had never returned, after all I couldn't love a ghost for the rest of my life.

_But you would have no matter what_ my conscious said smugly.

I ignored the annoying yet constantly correct voice within my mind and snuggled in closer to my Bella. She sighed in content and my heart soared.

My conscious was right; I would forever be a slave to the woman lying within my arms. Bella would always be the sole and rightful owner of my heart.

The voice in my head snickered. _Now we both know that's a lie._

I mentally growled at my conscious, pissed at the smugness in its voice and the truth behind its accusation. Bella was no longer the sole owner of my heart. In her absence Lana had gained an almost equal portion of it.

Can you go away? I growled to myself.

_Nope. _

Will you ever go away?

_Let's see…nope. _

I hissed silently causing Bella to shift uncomfortably. I immediately calmed myself so as not to wake her.

Ever since Bella had shown up on my dad's front lawn this annoying little ass-wipe had been constantly berating my thoughts. Enraging me in ways that I hadn't felt in about…uh…three years…and it wasn't even real!

_I resent that, I thought we were friends? _The voice piped in.

Fuck no! I thought the voices went away with the phasing.

The voice scoffed. _Oh Jacob, I'll always be around, wolf or no wolf, I'm a part of you. _

I let out a low rumbling growl and smacked myself internally when my inability to control my anger had awoken Bella.

But she only let out a long draw out sigh and snuggled deeper into my chest.

_Get your shit together Black_, I mentally berated myself.

I needed to make a choice and I needed to make it fast. I couldn't keep doing this to the women I loved or to myself. I always knew it would come down to a choice, but I never thought it would come so soon.

I looked down at Bella and smoothed her silky hair away from her forehead. My heart constricted painfully at the peaceful, serene look upon her face. I didn't know how much longer it would be there; I didn't know how much longer we had.

A silent tear escaped my eye and landed gracefully upon her lips.

I loved her so much, too much at times. I knew that I would always want Bella; it would always be Bella for me.

But no matter what I wanted and what I desired it could never be.  
I know this now.

By the time Bella roused from her deep slumber, I was already gone.

It was 2pm and I was late.

I had left Bella only ten minutes ago and headed straight for the garage. I knew the guys would be there waiting, undoubtedly with suspicion and full of questions on where I was. By now they would realize that I hadn't spent the night at the garage, the locked doors and empty silence that greeted them in the morning would have been all the evidence they needed.

I wasn't in any kind of mood to face their accusing glances, not after the night I had.

Yes, spending the night with Bella had been pure heaven, but then it had been my own personal hell. She spent the night in a complete blissful calm filled sleep while mine was fitful, plagued with inappropriate thoughts and heavy guilt that weighed down on my shoulders, and more specifically my heart. I'm an engaged man, what I was doing was wrong.

But I couldn't…I can't stop. And honestly I don't know if I even want to.

I can't even count the number of times I wanted to scoop her up in my arms and smother her with kisses until she awoke, after hearing her sigh my name in that beautiful voice, over and over again. I always knew she talked in her sleep, but being able to hear it for myself and it being my name that she called, well it couldn't really get any better than that. Last night had been a sort of bliss filled torture.

I know that I have to let go of her.  
I know that she has to let go of me.

The drive to the garage had been a short lived one and before I knew it I was pulling into the employee lot behind the garage. I quickly clambered out of my truck and made the short trek around the side of the building headed for the front. I didn't want to go in through the back entrance; I was going to delay my inevitable meeting with the guys for as long as possible.

I stilled myself momentarily before the door of the reception area and took in a giant gulp of air. I needed to mentally prepare myself for this day and what was to come.

"Hey Boss," Seth greeted me through a mouthful of food as I stepped into the front office. "Just getting in?"

Seth sat behind the desk his feet kicked up on the counter, his swivel chair swinging gently back and forth.

Seth was sort of like our receptionist, though he hated to be called that. He took care of all the paperwork, phone calls, and greeted all the customers. He was a huge asset to the team. Where his skills lacked in the mechanical area, he made up for it in his math smarts and people-person attitude.

"Seth," I replied ignoring his question and the insinuation in his voice attempting to keep mine nonchalant. I avoided looking in his eyes; that kid could always read right through me.

I heard the distant clanging of metal upon metal and shifted my gaze to the large bay windows to my left. Quil and Embry were hard at work with Collin and Brady by their sides.

Collin and Brady were in a way apprentices to my two best friends. When they had joined the pack three years ago, they had immediately taken to them. Collin more outgoing and wild was naturally drawn to Quil, whilst shy and quiet Brady stuck to Embry like glue. Seth was my version of them; my apprentice though he didn't have a mechanic bone in his body. I let out an audible sigh as I watched them work.

"Busy day?"

We both visibly cringed at my poor attempt at small talk. Words were never a complicated thing between us.

"Um…No…it's been pretty dead," He went along with it.

I nodded and shoved my hands into my pockets keeping my eyes on the guys working. I rocked back and forth as a cloud of awkward silence fell over us. Even with the hammering sounds of the guys work and the heavy grunge metal that played at a blaring volume couldn't drown out the weighted silence.

"Who-" I started.

"I opened this morning…" He finished for me. His words trailed off but I still couldn't look at him. "Got here before the guys…" His words were cool and calculated. "Told them you went for a run, to blow off some steam."

"Steam?"

"Yeah, since you were pissed at me" He dropped an empty carton onto the top counter. "For eating all the muffins that Bella gave you after dinner last night" He paused and took a breath. "You know…when you _left_?"

I closed my eyes and let out a shaky breath at the force he put behind his last words, the guilt layering thickly upon me. Seth was too observant; I nodded my head in understanding.

"Thanks," I mumbled after what seemed like hours. I turned away from him and headed for the side door that led towards the shop.

"No problem," Seth called to my retreating back.

I walked stiffly towards the door, my inner demons raging within me at the clear disappointment in Seth's voice.

"Hey Jacob," I cringed as my hand stilled on the door latch. I gripped it tightly, the metal groaning under my fist. "Yeah?" Seth rarely called me Jacob these days; too much of a formality.

"Don't make me do it again," He whispered, his voice stern.

I lowered my head to the ground, too ashamed to turn and face him, to look him in the eye.

"Eat your muffins I mean," He continued. "Don't make me do it again."

"Sure, sure" I mumbled and stepped through the threshold, shutting the door on Seth and his shame washed eyes.

I took a deep breath and made my way through the garage in the direction that the guys were working passing several cars along the way. The seven cars seated inside the garage was only the tip of the iceberg of our workload. Eight more cars in the pending lot awaited their moment of fixing.

We had only just opened this branch of the business and, it was already taking off.

When I had first started Black's Automotive, I had been running it straight out of my tiny shed of a garage, only able to take on one customer at a time; two if I was feeling particularly daring. It had only been a distraction then, a way for me to forget my inner demons and swirling turmoil, while I immersed myself within the work. But with the help of friends and word of mouth, my more than excellent repairs of local cars traveled round and I was suddenly calling in my brothers for help maintaining the workload.

They were more than eager to join in on the task. Most of them, me included, hadn't gone off for further schooling due to demands of the pack and tribal council. Hell the majority of us hadn't even finished high school. My brothers needed the money just as much as I did. And the fact that I was no longer phasing insured my full attention and focus on the side project distraction into a lasting major business. I had always dreamed of owning my own garage but I never thought it could be achieved.

As a result, for the past three years I literally lived and breathed for the garage and the garage alone…well, that and Lana.

I quit phasing the day I met Lana and decided that from that point on she would be my main concern in my life. I didn't want to sit idly while she grew older and I remained frozen in place. It was a huge decision that shocked the council and my brothers, but at the time it was what needed to be done.

I would be lying if that were the only reason.

My de-phasing process was long and tiresome but a life with Lana was not the only thing that motivated me. It was my drive and desire to forget Bella and everything that she represented and let go in our relationship. I was going to force myself to forget about Bella and to leave behind the girl that had only caused me heartache and grief. I wasn't going to allow her to control my heart or my life any longer. The day I promised my love to Lana was the day I gave up the wolf and the day I said goodbye to my Bella.

Or so I thought.

"Hey Boss man," Collin called as I approached them.

I grunted a greeting at him, and moved towards my station itching to dig my hands into the greased engine of the Mustang V6 that sat waiting for me.

Collin and I rarely exchanged words within the garage, always saving our idle chit chat for outside of the work place. When it came to working, Collin was only an annoying distraction to me, so it was easier to skirt around him rather than to appease him and fall into heavy conversation with him.

"Good run?" Quil questioned from under the hood of the pick up truck he was slaving over.

Quil on the other hand was a man of too many words. But he's also my best friend.

"Yeah, blew off my irritation" I replied lifting the hood of the car. "And my hunger." I added in for good measure, throwing them an exaggerated eye roll. The guys let off a round of laughter at this.

"Well I'd think so," Embry laughed. "You've been gone for hours."

My muscles tensed. "Really? How long you been here?"

"Since ten," Brady piped in, dipping back under the hood of his own project with Embry.

I grumbled lowly and made a mental note to give Seth a hearty slap to the back of his head. According to him and his quick-on-his-feet fabricated lie, I had been out on a four hour long run and had returned to the shop…without a single drop of sweat on my body.

"Oh, well that's good." I shifted on my feet and then turned back round to the car, hurriedly moving my hands to the essential tools that lay on the stand to my right.

"Did you stop home and shower?" Collin questioned.

_Nosy motherfucker. _

The rest of us stilled at this question, completely thrown off as to where it had come from. Quil landed his hand hard against the back of Collin's head.

"Hey!" Collin cried his hand flying to the back of his head. "What was that for?"

"Why do you even care?" Quil argued back.

"I was just wondering because he smells good," Collin argued. "Like really good."

All of our eyes widened in surprise and then we bust out in laughter.

"What? There's nothing wrong with thinking another dude smells good." He argued.

We continued on with our laughter, doubled over and our hands clutching tightly at our sides. This was the most Collin had ever said while working within the walls of the shop and this was also the reason why he needed to work more and talk less.

"Dude you're such a homo."

"Quil," My voice was stern and all laughter died instantly. I didn't play around with phobic shit like that. I may not have been Alpha of the pack but this was still my garage; I was still in charge.

"Sorry man," he shrugged his shoulder sheepishly. "Old habits die hard?"

"Whatever," I grumbled and turned to Collin. "And FYI yes I did shower; not that it should be of your concern."

"I was just asking," he whined. "I mean you've been gone forever and you don't have a drop or scent of sweat on you. And I was just wondering where you were and why you smell so good."

"Well Nanny Fran," The guys snickered at a suddenly red faced Collin. "If you really wanna know, it's a new body wash that Lana's got," I lied through my teeth. "I'll let her know you'd like to know where you can purchase a bottle." The guys howled with laughter and Collin's blush deepened. Good, the nosy fucker deserved it. "Now worry more about the motors and less about what I do in my own personal time."

Collin ducked his head. "Got it Boss."

I laughed and tossed a soiled rag at his face then turned back round to my car. I let out a low breath at my near exposure. I needed to get things sorted out and fast.

"Hey Jake I'm gonna head out."

I rolled out from underneath the car I was working on and found Embry standing over me. I looked to the large clock hanging on the wall of the garage and was surprised to find that it was already nine o'clock at night. Time always flew when I was in my zone.

"Alright cool," I lifted my fist and bumped his. "I'll see you tomorrow,"

I moved to roll back under the car but paused when I didn't hear the sound of Embry's retreating feet. I rolled back out slowly and sat up to get a better look at him.

Embry stood before me, shifting uncomfortably on his feet, an almost pained expression on his face. His hands fidgeted slightly about his head, constantly combing through his hair.

I rested my elbows on my knees and attempted to catch his eye.

"Em man, what's up?"

He was silent for a second and then closed his eyes and let out a breath.

"Strawberries," He sighed opening his eyes to look at me.

I quirked a brow at him.

"Strawberries?"

He nodded. "And vanilla,"

It only took a split second for realization to dawn on me. I gulped loudly.

"Listen I can explain-"

"You smell like strawberries and vanilla," He grouped them together identifying the evidence of my betrayal.

"Em-"

"I've been trying to pinpoint it all day," He ignored me and continued. "It's hard in here you know? Even with the werewolf sense of smell. Motor oil and grease tends to mask it a little but I'm sure I've got it right."

He stopped and shifted his eyes down to me.

"I've got it right, don't I?"

I could only lower my head in shame.

"Jake…Why do you smell like strawberries and vanilla?"

"I don't know," I whispered running a hand over my face.

"You don't know?" His tone was challenging.

"Yes Embry I don't know-"

"You come in to work after being missing for hours smelling like _strawberries and vanilla _and you don't know why?" His voice was quickly rising. "That's a load of shit and you know it!"

"Embry please-"

"Are you fucking Bella?" He hissed his eyes ablaze with fury.

"What?" I snapped.

"Bella," He spat her name. "Are you fucking her?"

"No!" It was knee-jerk response and I immediately regretted it.

"Jake don't lie to me," He warned.

I shook my head in confusion, where was all of this anger coming from? Hadn't he just apologized to her?

"Embry why are you-"

"You smell like her," He hissed. "You don't smell like Lana…your _fiancé_."

I opened my mouth prepared to fight back but only found that I was at a loss for words. I sat there with my mouth opening and closing unable to bring forth any words to protect myself; to lie.

I let out a defeated sigh.

"You slept with her didn't you?" Embry's voice was softer and more controlled.

I nodded my head.

"More than once?"

I paused and let out a deep breath.  
Then I nodded my head once more.

"Jesus," Embry groaned and stumbled away from me running a hurried hand over his face. He paced back and forth in front of me his anger building with each step.

"Jake this is fucking terrible!" He threw his hands in the air and continued pacing.

"I know-"

"It's wrong!"

"I know-"

"You're engaged to Lana…you love her!"

"I know but-"

"You're engaged and you're fucking Bella!" he cried coming to a stop in front of me.

"Embry-"

"This is going to tear her apart, Jake!" He jammed a finger in my face. "This will kill her! You will kill her!"

"I know!" I roared, clambering to my feet and getting right in his face. "You don't think I know that?"

Embry stared me down and didn't move an inch his mouth set tight and unmoving. His eyes held a deep loathing shame and disappointment; it ate away at me.

I stumbled backwards from the look in his eyes and fell against a nearby car. My hands quickly found their way into my hair and pulled tightly as I attempted to control my sudden erratic breathing; attempted to keep the tears at bay.

He was right, Embry was completely right. I was hurting Lana in so many ways. My actions would damage her irrevocably. I had acted on my own selfish desires without thinking of the consequences. This would kill her, I knew that. This…this would be the end of her.

I had already betrayed her once…she knew this…but the second time, well I had kept my mouth shut on that one.

I sank to the ground before Embry and landed with a dull thud on my butt. I pulled my knees to my chest and buried my head between them, trying to shut out the world and the guilt that cut away at me.

I felt Embry slide to the ground next to me, his once heavy breaths much quieter than my now raging ones.

I had never cried so much in my life.  
I had never hated myself so much in my life.

"I don't know what I'm doing," I whispered. "I don't know what to do."

Embry was silent after this. I knew he was contemplating his answer; trying to find the right words to craft his response.

Embry liked Lana…a lot. But he also liked Bella a lot too; regardless of the fact that she had left me…again. Yeah, in the beginning he was just as pissed as me, and at times it felt more so than me, but he had grown to let it go with time. I could only imagine that her sudden reappearance within our lives was causing a hailstorm of mixed feelings on his conscious too.

"It's…simple." He said after some time. "You have to choose."

"That's anything but simple Em-"

"But it shouldn't be that hard Jacob," His voice was hard.

I removed my head from my knees and looked at him. He wore a mask of indifference and his eyes were full of suspicion. I shrunk away from his glare and tried to interest myself with one of the many grease stains upon my jeans.

"I don't get why it's so hard for you," He spoke softly. "Bella is your past, Lana is your future; you're im-"

"I know what she is" I interjected quickly. I couldn't stand to hear him say the word; the one thing that had substantially taken everything that I held close to me. "I know what she stands for."

"She shouldn't just stand for something Jacob," His voice was sad. "She should _mean_ something to you."

"She does mean something to me" I argued. I didn't want anyone questioning the love I had for Lana; I had been doing enough of that myself.

"But she doesn't mean everything to you…like an im-" He paused at the stiffening of my posture. "She just doesn't mean what she should to you."

"I love her," I shifted my eyes to him but he was staring out at the sea of cars within the shop. "I love Lana."

Embry smiled and nodded his head. But it wasn't one of acceptance, more like disappointment.

"And you love Bella."

"I'll always love her, everyone knows that" I sighed.

"We all know it Jake, it's just not the way it's supposed to be."

"It's Bella we're talking about, Embry" I could only offer. "I don't think it could ever be any other way."

Embry nodded his head and climbed to his feet, dusting himself off in the process. I remained seated on the ground, my eyes once again fixed on that oh-so-interesting grease stain.

"Go home Jake," He said. I could feel him looking at me but I refused to meet his eyes. "You look like you could use some rest."

He turned his back on me walked away without another word. I didn't have the heart or strength to offer him a proper goodbye.

I let out a sigh and let my legs slump to the ground stretched out in front of me. I didn't know how I had let things come to this. How had I let myself fall into this chaotic Bella-filled world again?

Years ago, I had sworn to myself that never again would Bella Swan dictate my emotions and my life. Never again would she be my sole reason for waking up, for breathing, or living. It would all be for me and it would all be for Lana.

So why couldn't I just let go?

It was midnight and she was asleep.

I approached her and couldn't help but smile at her tiny frame curled up on the couch in front of the fire place. This woman in front of me held a large part of me; a part of my heart.

A sudden flush of warmth wafted through me when I realized she had waited up for me.

I tip toed as quietly over to her as possible and reached out to grab the soft plush blanket that sat on the back of the couch. I draped the blanket over her to keep her warm while I escaped to the kitchen to fix myself a late night snack. I would curl up next to her when I returned; with sandwich hand.

Seeing that she was perfectly covered I turned to make my way towards the kitchen.

"Jacob Ephraim Black," Her voice froze me on the spot. "I know you're not going to get a snack before you give me a kiss hello." She scolded.

I turned on my heel and grinned at her disheveled appearance. Her hair was strewn about atop her head and she had sleepiness to her eyes, which made her all the more endearing.

Never in my life had I ever thought I would feel so pleased by such attributes in a woman's appearance.

I strode the two short steps to her and planted one on her; her lips were soft and warm as they moved with mine. I eagerly breathed her in and gathered her up into my arms, hauling over the back of the couch so that I could better wrap myself around her. She snuggled into me, her body fitting perfectly with mine as she continued with our greeting. Her scent was overwhelming and calmed the bundle of nerves within my chest. I held her closer to me and let out a content sigh placing one chaste kiss upon her swollen lips.

"I missed you," I spoke truthfully, my forehead coming to a rest on hers.

She laced her fingers into the hair on the back of my neck and smiled.

"I missed you more," Lana breathed. "It was lonely last night without you"

"I'm sorry I didn't come home."

And I truly was sorry…but I wasn't.

God, I was seriously fucked up.

She placed a tiny kiss on my cheek and smiled at me.

"It's ok," She reassured me. "You just opened up a new branch; I know you've got to be really busy."

I hid my cringe of guilt a she pulled away from me and headed towards the kitchen.

"You want your usual?" She called over her shoulder.

"Y-yeah, yeah thanks" I replied.

Once she disappeared over the threshold into the kitchen I let out a shaky breath and collapsed on to the couch. I honestly didn't have a clue what I was doing. I knew I had to come clean to her; I just didn't know how. My first confession had gone easily; Lana had just known.

And yet, she still stayed with me. That fact still blew my mind to this day.

"How was work?" Her soft voice broke through my thoughts.

I stretched my arms out and shrugged.

"Alright." I let out a yawn. "We've still got a lot of work to do; I'm nervous we might get backed up a bit."

Lana nodded and handed me a plate with a triple stacked sandwich on it. I sighed with content as I took the plate from her.

"I'm sure you'll get everything done on time." She reassured me rubbing my arm soothingly. I smiled at her and picked up my sandwich taking a hearty bite from it.

We sat in a comfortable silence, me eating my sandwich and Lana catching late night re-runs of her favorite shows. After I finished my sandwich I settled in next to her, wrapping her into my arms. Guilt weighed heavily on me as I realized that Bella had been in this same place only that morning.

Before I left the garage I made sure to douse myself in some cologne that Embry conveniently left behind.

Lana snuggled deeper into me and rested her head over my heart, her hand tracing absent minded circle across my abdomen. I kissed the top of her head and settled in, closing my eyes.

"Jacob," Her voice drifted to my ears.

"Hmm?" I kept my eyes closed. I was so tired.

"I'm sorry," She whispered and kissed my chest.

I opened my eyes and sat up pulling her with me. I peered at her in confusion but she hid her eyes from me behind the thick vale of her hair.

"Hey," I said concerned as she shied away from me. "What do you possibly have to be sorry for?"

My heart nearly broke at the sight of tears in her eyes.

"For the way I've been acting lately," She trailed off and shied away from my touch again. "For the stress I've been causing you lately."

"W-what are you talking about? You haven't done anything wrong." I reassured her gripping her forearms tightly, forcing her to face me.

She scoffed. "Of course, and you staying away from home last night had absolutely nothing to do with me."

I visibly gulped at this.

"W-what?"

"I know you're upset with the way I've been treating that…that _girl_." She hissed. I assumed she meant Bella. "And the way I spoke to Chief Swan."

I nodded my head and slumped back into the couch. I was immensely relieved by the fact that she wasn't adding her suspicions up correctly and hadn't been aware of the fact that I hadn't come home due to my desire to be with Bella.

Did I mention that I'm fucked up?

"I just…" She paused as she struggled to find the right words to say. "I don't want you to think I'm a possessive girlfriend who keeps you from the things and people you love."

"I don't love-"

"I know you still love her Jacob, you slept with her."

I shut my mouth out of guilt and fought the tears that were desperate to escape. She was right, I had no right to argue with her.

"Lana I'm so sorry-"

"Jacob stop, it's ok." She placed her hands on the side of my face. "I forgave you and I'm not going to let this tear us apart."

I nodded my head.

"But like I was saying," She continued. "I want you to be happy. And if her being a part of your life somehow makes you happy…then I won't stand in the way of that. I just don't want you to resent me or be mad at me."

"Lana, I'm not mad at you-"

"Mad or not, I know you're upset." She sighed.

"Well yeah," I shrugged. "They might not have deserved all of what you said to them but baby, I'm not mad at you." I took one of her hands in mine and kissed it. "I promise."

Lana gave me a small smile and fell back into my outstretched arms.

"I am sorry though," She mumbled into my chest. "Honest."

I let out a chuckle and kissed the top of her head.

"It's ok."

"I just don't want to lose you," she sighed, her voice filled with pain. My heart raced at this confession.

"You won't lose me," I whispered into her hair. I squeezed my eyes shut at this.

I didn't really know if she would ever lose me. I couldn't think of that happening. I loved her so much; I owed so much to her; my life…But I loved Bella just as much but she had broken me; tore me up inside. And yet I still loved her.

Yeah, still fucked up.

"I'm going…I'm going to try and be good," Lana said. "I'll still hate her simply for what she did to you…but I'll try."

"Thank you." I mumbled.

"But I won't forgive her…ever." Her voice was hard and serious. "I'll always hate her and blame her for the things she drove you to do."

My body went rigid at this and I was suddenly thrown back into a not so distant memory of one of my worst Bella induced hysterias.

_**4 months ago**_

_I had been slaving away in my old garage for a good five hours. The last time I checked the clock it was around noon, when I had grabbed some lunch. _

_My stomach was already growling for dinner. _

_I was working on the old rabbit, fixing up little things here and there to keep my beauty running. I rarely drove her anymore, instead I was working more towards restoring her fully to her rightful condition; a sort of prize you could call her. _

_My stomach let out another loud rumble and I finally gave in. I tossed my tools back into their rightful spots in drawers and places on countertops before heading out of the garage. _

_The clock now read five o'clock. _

_I stopped just outside the garage door and breathed in a deep breath of fresh air; I needed to get the musty smell of motor oil out of my nose. _

_I was supposed to grab dinner tonight with my Dad, Lana was working late, so there was no need for me to go home and expect to have dinner waiting for me there. I smiled at the thought of my girlfriend and soon to be fiancé. I never would have thought that my life would come to this point; that I would finally be able to move on. _

_Lana and I had been dating for a little over three years now and after moving in with her I was finally moving towards the next big step with her. Everyone was expecting it; waiting for it. I had already asked permission from her father and I couldn't wait to ask Lana for her hand. _

_I had come a long way. _

_Of course there were still those bad days here and there but we worked through them. Lana worked me through the loss and helped me see everything that I had gained and everything that I could possibly have in the future. _

_And I wanted those things and I wanted all of them. But sometimes, I couldn't help but wish that I was gaining those things with someone else. _

_I would be a liar if I said I never thought about Bella. I think about her every single day. It's not a conscious stream of bellabellabella anymore. It's more like little bits throughout the day. Someone will say something or I'll see or hear something that reminds me of her. _

_It used to devastate me; send me spiraling into black holes of despair.  
But Lana was working me through them, through everything. _

_I left the garage and walked the short distance to the front porch. I passed Charlie's cruiser along the way. _

_Charlie had been eating with us a whole lot, well ever since Bella left. At first he didn't come over for months, too distraught and worried in his frantic search for his daughter. Everyone tried to tell him she was a lost cause; he refused to believe them, along with me and my dad. _

_As I hit the front steps I could hear the low hum of the television and Billy's and Charlie's voice engaged in what seemed a heated debate. I cursed myself for giving up phasing when I realized I couldn't easily eavesdrop on them. I'd have to settle for the old fashioned way and ask them what they were talking about. _

_When I stepped through the doorway and let the screen door slam shut I was met with immediate silence and a drastic change of volume on the television from low to high. _

_I rolled my eyes and made my way into the kitchen, shouting a greeting over my shoulder. I opened the fridge door and retrieved a beer, quickly popping the cap and taking a long swig. _

_I heard a throat clearing behind me and I turned to find Charlie staring me down with a disappointed look on his face. No matter how large I was, Charlie was still a stickler for the drinking under age thing. _

_I decided to ignore the look. "Hey Charlie," I shot him my winning smile and watched him loosen up a bit. _

_He gave me a curt nod accompanied by a short "Jacob." _

_Warning bells were already ringing in my head. I gave him an apprehensive look as I saw him shifting back and forth on his feet. _

"_Everything alright Charlie?" _

"_Yeah, yeah everything's good." _

_More warning bells. _

"_Okay," I drew out the word and looked between him and my beer, wondering if I should offer him one. "You need a drink?"_

"_No, no I'm ok," _

_I went rigid. Charlie declining an ice cold beer was cause for caution. His next words only reaffirmed this. _

"_I should do this sober." _

"_Do what sober?" _

"_Can we talk?" He mumbled. "Outside maybe?" _

_I looked over his shoulder towards the living room, wondering if Billy knew what was going on. Charlie sensed my confusion. _

"_Billy already knows," Charlie said. "I just want to talk, Jacob."_

"_Is it about Bells?" I cringed at my pleading tone. _

_Charlie shifted on his feet again. _

"_Yes and no." _

_What the fuck did that mean? _

"_Um, yeah then…ok." _

_I downed the rest of my beer and followed him outside onto the porch, shooting Billy a questioning look on the way out. He only nodded his head, reassurance that this was an important talk and that I needed to listen. _

_Charlie was leaning against the banister when I stepped outside. He motioned for me to sit on the bench in front of him. I sat down with a huff and crossed my arms, peering at him with narrowed eyes. _

_I wasn't angry, just curious. It had been a while, a year in fact, since Charlie and I had talked alone. _

_We sat in silence for a good five minutes. Charlie looked as if he was fighting a raging battle within himself; unsure if he should do or say whatever he was about to. _

"_What's up Charlie?" I finally spoke leaning forward on my elbows. I was anxious to get this over with. _

_Don't get me wrong. I love Charlie like a second father, but when we got into these talks I always felt so uncomfortable. I could never find the right words to say to him when it mattered the most. _

"_How…how are you and Lana doing?" _

_Well this was a game changer. _

_I sat up and raised an eyebrow at him. _

"_We're good," He nodded his head. "Great in fact."_

"_That's…that's good, I'm glad; she's…she's a real nice girl." _

"_Yeah I know," _

_I didn't mean to sound harsh but I needed to know why he was here. He had been acting all shifty and nervous and it was throwing me off. He had said this was sort of about Bella…so why was he bringing up my relationship with Lana? _

_We fell into another silence. _

"_Charlie what's going on?" I asked him. "You're making me nervous." _

_He took in a deep breath of air and said nothing. I was starting to grow frustrated. _

"_Have…have you heard from her?" My voice cracked on the last part. I bit my lip and surged on. "Has…has she called? Is she coming home?" _

_He closed his eyes. "You and Lana are good, right?" _

"_Yeah, I already said that," I was flabbergasted and confused. What the hell was going on? "Look Charlie, I don't mean to be rude but what's this really all about?" _

"_I'm sorry Jake, I don't want to seem intrusive," his voice was calm and solemn. "I just want to be certain before I do this." _

_Fear clutched at my heart. "Do…" I paused to swallow. My throat was suddenly dry. "Do what?" _

_Charlie let out a deep breath and leaned away from the banister pulling to white envelopes out of the inside pocket of his jacket. _

_My heart stopped at the familiar handwriting on the front of the envelopes. One bearing my name, the other Charlie's. _

"_She…she wrote to you?" _

_I was shocked, hurt…and angry. Pissed that she hadn't written to me, hadn't bothered to contact me to let me know anything. _

"_No," Charlie's voice held a deeper sadness. My rage disappeared. "No, these…these are from before; when she left." _

"_Oh," Was all that escaped my lips. I felt like the air had been knocked out of my lungs. _

_She had written me a second letter; a letter that I had yet to read. I had thought there had been only one. One small letter she left behind for me. I still had it, locked away in a safe underneath my bed in my old room. It didn't say much, only the things that I guess she thought were necessary. _

_But there was a second letter. _

_A new rage built inside of me at the fact that Charlie had kept this from me. All these years, he had been holding onto a SECOND letter addressed to me. I was beyond angry. _

_Charlie noticed the shift in my demeanor and quickly retracted his steps from me. _

"_Why did you keep this from me?" _

"_She told me not to give you the second one right away." He held his hands up in defensive mode. "She told me to wait until I thought you were ready." _

"_W-what?" I spluttered. "How…how could you possibly know when I was ready or not!" I roared. Charlie's face paled with guilt. "It's been three years! I was ready three fucking years ago!" _

_Charlie sighed and his eyes dropped to the ground, his shoulder dropped in defeat. _

"_I'm sorry Jacob," he spoke. "But you weren't ready…I don't even know if you're ready now." _

_Charlie took another step back. _

"_Give me the letters," My voice was deadly as I stood to my feet. _

_Charlie's eyes widened at me and my threatening stance. But I didn't give a damn. I would get those letters if it was the last thing I did. _

"_Give me the letters, Charlie" I said again taking a step towards him. _

"_I'm…I'm not going to keep it from you anymore." He sighed and handed me both letters. _

_My gaze softened and I felt guilty for what I had just done. Charlie didn't deserve my anger; he had enough on his conscious. _

"_Just read mine first," I raised an eyebrow at him. "It's…it's what she wanted." _

_I nodded my head in understanding, clenching the letters tightly in my hands. _

"_Tell your Dad I'll be round to pick him up early tomorrow," _

_I nodded again and silently watched him descend the front steps, climb into the cruiser, and drive away. _

_As soon as his car disappeared around the bend, I flew into the house heading straight for my room. I ignored Billy when he called my name and shut my door behind me locking it. I only hesitated slightly when I sat down on my bed with the two letters in hand. I was so tempted to skip over Charlie's and head straight for mine; I felt as if I deserved to know the contents of it before I had to read her goodbyes to her father. _

_But something held me back. _

_I fingered the broken seal of Charlie's letter and finally pulled the slim paper out of the envelope. Immediately I noticed the worn material of the paper and the slight crinkles in the page due to excessive handling. It seemed Charlie had read this plenty of times over the years. _

_I wondered if he memorized his like I had mine. _

_I bit back a sudden intense wave of grief and held the letter to my chest. I took deep breaths in and out to calm myself. I needed to compose myself before I read these letters. I couldn't let them break me down. _

_I took a shuddering breath and unfolded the paper, holding back the tears at the sight of her familiar hand writing. _

Dad,

I don't really know how to write this but I'm going to do my best.

I'm going away for a while and I'm not sure when I'll be back or if I'm even coming back at all. I have to tell this to you in a letter because face to face would be too hard. I don't think I could do that to you again. I don't want to leave on bad terms like the first time.

I don't think I could stomach the look of heartbreak on your face again.

I just want you to know that I love you dad. You have always been and always will be the best father that any girl could ever ask for. This is not your fault so don't blame yourself for this.

Edward's leaving and he wants me to go with him.  
I'm going.

And I know you may not be able to understand my reasons now and you may never understand them but please just trust me on this. I love him dad, I really do. And I feel as if this is the right thing for me.

Please don't hate me for this.

Don't think that I'm leaving because I don't love you because I do Dad, so much. And it kills me that it has come to this but I have no other solution. I don't think I could ever live without him even if I really truly tried.

I don't want you to resent him for this because I'm doing what I feel is best for you and for me…and for Jacob.

You should know by now that I've left two letters for him also. Could you please give them to him for me? But save the second one for later…for a time when you think he's ready. Please do this for me…even if it takes years, wait until he is ready. I know the pain that this is going to cause him and I hate myself for it already.

Please tell him that I'm sorry Dad, that I never wanted it to come to this. Tell him that he was the best friend that I could have ever asked for. Tell him that I love him and that one day I hope that we can both move past this and we can both find happiness in our lives…even if it means without each other.

I love you Dad, so much.  
Please don't ever forget that.  
I miss you already.

xx Bella

_I let out a huge breath unaware that I had been holding it in. I could feel the fresh warm tears the coated my cheeks. _

_How could she possibly think that her leaving was what was best for us? That her disappearance from my life would be anything but bad? Bella knew how deep my love ran for her and she left anyways. I didn't allow myself to pause and dwell on these thoughts and decided to surge ahead. _

_If I stopped now, I'd never make it to my letter.  
I was going to need a little help. _

_I crossed the tiny space of my room to the mini fridge situated in the corner and suing the door open. I smiled triumphantly at the two twelve cases of Corona in the fridge and the handle of Absolute sitting next to it. _

_Since moving in with Lana she hadn't tolerated the underage drinking thing either. Since Billy was cool with it, he allowed me to keep a stash here. He understood that although I had quit phasing, I could still hold my own, even if I did manage to get buzzed a lot quicker than the other guys. _

_I snagged the two cases and the handle and sat back down on my bed with the second letter. I quickly downed ten rounds of shots and five beers before I could bring myself to pick it up. _

_The envelope was heavy in my hands. I traced the pattern of my name before ripping the envelope open. A fresh wave of Bella's scent hit me like a tidal wave. It was untouched, fresh, and pure. And for a split second I wondered if she still smelled the same today…if she still smelled human. _

_I bit back a wave of nausea and unfolded the paper, taking in the tear stained pages and smeared ink. _

_My heart broke all over again._

_I took in a much needed breath and peered at her words through the fog that was creeping in on my brain. The alcohol was quickly setting in. _

Jacob,

By the time you read this letter I'll be long gone. How long ago my departure was I don't know. All I know is that I'm gone and I am no longer with you.

I don't think there are any words in the dictionary to describe how I'm feeling right now. I love you Jacob, so much and I hate what this is going to do to you; what I'm going to do to you.

Please believe me when I say that this was for the best.

You once told me that if the world was normal and everything was the way it was supposed to be, that we would be together. You told me that you were my natural path.

You were right Jacob, but you were wrong.

You are, and most likely will always be, my natural path. But there is nothing natural about our world; there is nothing normal. And I hate that, I hate it so much.

Sometimes I think I might have been an ax murderer in a past life. And as a result God's punishing me in this life.

I never wanted to leave you, I really didn't. I know you're going to scoff at this letter when you read it and you won't believe a word that I say. And it kills me now as I sit here and write it. But I believe in every single word that I say Jacob. And I need you to believe them too.

Please don't think for a second that this is easy for me. Because it's not.

I know you're probably asking yourself why you should listen to me. What more could you possibly do for me, what more could you possibly give?

Because you've already given me everything.

You graciously gave me your friendship when no one else was there. You gave me your smile and forced me to give one back. You gave me bright eyes full of light; you gave me laughter and tears…happy tears. You gave me a shoulder to lean on and a lift up when I was down. You gave me inspiration; you gave me hope.

And the countless times that I pushed you away, you gave me your hand and you never let go.

You continuously gave me your warmth, your air, your love…Jacob-you gave me life. And with your life, you gave me the very thing that made it, that made you; you gave me your heart. And I thought that I was strong enough, I really did. I thought I could take it, that I could cherish it, keep it, and hold onto it but I couldn't… I can't.

You've given me everything, Jacob; more than I deserve.  
And because of that I'm going to give you what you deserve…a chance at happiness.

I can't keep holding onto you, I'll only drag you down. I'm letting go of you Jacob, because I can't be the one to hurt you. I can't be the one that kills you in the end.

And I know if I were to stay and hold onto you, I'd be your undoing. I won't be selfish in that way. I can't do that to you. You are perfect for me in every sense of the word Jacob. But I'm not good enough for you, I know this now. I never have been and I never will be. I want you to find someone else Jacob, find them and move on.

Find the girl that makes your heart race; that steals your breath away. Find the girl who is beautiful and strong; the girl that can withstand the weight of your love and your compassion. Find the girl who won't be scared to tell you how she's feeling; the one who'll speak her mind. I want you to find that one girl who won't shy away from your affection but will embrace it. Find the one who will love you unconditionally and who will grow to know you better than you know yourself.

Find the girl who will love every little thing about you, even your little quirks like that 'bouncing leg syndrome' you've got going on. Find that one girl who is going to love you for you, who won't string you along in the ways that I have. Find the girl who will give you everything that she has; every piece of her heart. Find the girl that can give you the love that I never could.

Find her and forget about me Jacob.  
Find her and love her.

I want you to know one thing.

I have always loved you Jacob, ever since we were little kids. When I think about it now, I'm more than positive that I fell in love with you the first day I met you. And I've never stopped loving you since. Even though at times it may have seemed that I have.

I will always love you Jacob, I know this and I believe it. Even though I have returned your heart to you, I will not ask back the pieces of mine that you so rightfully took. Do with them what you please, but I urge you to toss them aside and to move forward. The longer we hold onto each other the faster we'll fall.

And I'll be the first to admit that I'm scared Jacob. I'm scared of letting you go.

I'm scared one day I'll wake up and I won't remember what you look like; that I won't remember the sound of your laugh. I'm scared I'll forget what your smile looks like or the way your dimples show when you smile. I'm scared I'll forget the light in your eyes that always shone brightest when you were working in the garage. I don't want to forget your warmth Jacob; I'm scared of being cold. I don't want to forget the sound of your voice, the way it deepens when you're trying to be Mr. Tough Guy Alpha Wolf, or the way it raises in awkward moments…like the ones that ruled our friendship in the beginning.

I'm scared of forgetting everything that makes you, you Jacob.  
And as much as I don't want to let go of you I know that I have to.

You have been and always will be the best friend that I have ever had. I will always be eternally grateful for the time that I was granted with you, as short as it may have been. Already there's a hole inside my chest; my soul where you used to be. I don't know if it'll ever be filled. I miss you already.

I love you Jacob Black.  
I know I always will.

xx Bella

_I let out a strangled sob and collapsed into myself. My body shook with a ferocity that I had only experienced with phasing. Never in my life had I felt such pain as this. _

_I grabbed the handle of Absolute and quickly downed what was left of it. I needed to numb the pain; I needed to get rid of it. _

_My room felt too small too suddenly. _

_I stumbled to my feet, the letter still clutched in my hand, and yanked my bedroom door open, falling out into the hallway. I hit the opposite wall with a resounding crash, sending an old picture frame crashing to the ground, the sound of it hitting the ground echoed loudly in the tiny hallway. Surprisingly the glass had not shattered. _

"_Jacob!" Billy called, wheeling himself quickly towards me. _

_I bent down to pick up the broken frame, a hurried apology slurring from my lips. I was fighting to see through the tears, through the fog and the pain and damage of her words. _

"_Son, are you drunk?" _

"_Yes," I mumbled then though better of it. "No!" I quickly retracted. _

"_Jacob," his voice was sad and broken. _

_I didn't want his pity. _

_I picked up the frame and then let out a long slew of curses. It was an old picture of Bella and I on First Beach, one that Billy had insisted remain hanging on our wall. I bit back a scream and stood up straight shoving my hands roughly through my hair. I stared down at the picture with rage and contempt. A black storm of hatred was seeping into my heart. _

"_Jacob," His voice was cautious this time. "Give me the picture." _

_My eyes shot to him and I let out a ferocious cry. I hurled the picture past my fathers head and landed a hard punch into the wall. The frame landed with a resounding crash against the front door, the glass shattering to pieces, sending a rain of glass down upon the floor. I hit the wall another five times and pulled away with a bloodied knuckle at the sound of my father's cry. _

"_Jacob!" His eyes full of shock and fear. _

_I shoved past him and snatched my keys off of the hook in the front hall. _

"_Jake where are you going?" _

"_Out" I hissed at him._

_I slammed the front door shut and stumbled down the stairs not even bothering to close the door behind me. I ignored Billy's shouts as I trudged to my car with difficulty. _

_Somewhere in the back of my mind I knew what I was about to do was stupid. But I needed to get away. I needed to make the pain stop. _

_I climbed into my Mustang V6, a little gift I afforded myself after Black's Automotive had took off. It also helped that some of my highest paying, over zealous customers thought I deserved some kind of tip every time I helped them out of a rough spot._

_This car was sleek and it was fast, if anything was going to get me out of Washington quick enough it was this car. I gunned the engine and high tailed it out of my dad's driveway with no destination in mind. Anywhere but Washington would be fine with me. _

_Somewhere in the back of my mind it registered that I wasn't wearing a seatbelt.  
I ignored it and pushed forward. _

_As I hit the main highway I cranked the volume of my stereo and let the music wash over me. I needed a way to drown out the pain. After all these years I could still hear her inside my head. _

**Hey you look what you do to me, you bend and you bruise me.  
Why you try to control me? But you don't know me. **

_How could she have done this to me, to us?_

_She had given up on us so easily. Had tossed me aside because she was doing what she thought was right. How the fuck did she know what was right for me?_

_I was pushing sixty now and going faster. _

**How come you just want to hurt me?  
How come you just want to push me? **

_I let out a scream of frustration and pounded my fist into the steering wheel, trying to see past my blurred vision. I couldn't tell if it was from my tears or the alcohol. _

_I was well past eighty now and I had no plans of stopping. _

**I can't ignore you anymore, 'cause everywhere I turn you,  
You burn me, you break me, you always what to take me down with you.  
What do you want from me?**

_I needed to escape. I needed to get away from La Push, from Forks, away from everything that was Bella. Everywhere I turned she was there. I couldn't escape her, I knew I never would. _

**I don't wanna be afraid, I don't wanna run away.  
I don't want to be here fading it's more than I can take.  
I'm never gonna be the same, I threw it all away. **

_Her words were constantly replaying in my mind. Her sadness and fear; her regrets. How could she have ever thought that she wasn't good enough for me, that she wasn't the very thing that I needed to survive? _

"_Fuck!" I roared and punched into the gas harder; smacking repeatedly at the steering wheel with my bloodied knuckles. _

**I don't want to be here fading.  
Just let go!  
Look what you do to me.  
Let go!  
Look what you do to me. **

_I had given her everything and it had all been for nothing. She claimed she loved me and then she left. She disappeared off the face of the earth without a second glance back. It had been three years since she'd left. Three years since she'd walked out on me and her family on everything that we could have been together. _

_My engine gave a loud shudder of encouragement as I pushed past ninety. _

**Hey you look what you do to me, you burnt and you scarred me.  
With all that you tell me, but I don't listen!**

_It was becoming increasingly hard to handle the winding curves of the highway as I pushed onward. The alcohol was becoming more of a hindrance then a helper like I had intended it to be. _

**You love me, you hate me; you always want to take me down with you.  
What do you want from me?**

_Then through the hazy smog she was suddenly there; she was in the car beside me. _

_Her eyes were forlorn and distant as she gazed at the winding road ahead of us. _

**I don't wanna be afraid, I don't wanna run away.  
I don't want to be here fading it's more than I can take. **

"_Jacob," her voice was small and broken. "Slow down, please."_

**I'm never gonna be the same. I threw it all away.  
I don't want to be here fading. **

_I pushed the gas harder and fought for control of the steering wheel. I was quickly losing control and there was nothing I could do. I was too intoxicated, too heartbroken to care about the outcome of the inevitable. _

**You kept pushing me.  
You keep using me. **

"_You're not real," I cried turning the volume up louder to drown her out. _

"_Jacob please," her voice reached my ears. "Don't do this to yourself." _

**You keep twisting me.  
You keep breaking me. **

"_You're not real!" I screamed. "You're not real, you're not here!"_

**You can't have me anymore.**

"_Jacob stop," Her hand was on my arm now. _

_I let out a cry of protest and shook her off. My sobs of heartache had taken over my body now; I was shaking uncontrollably. _

**You can't have me anymore. **

"_Jacob please slow down," She whispered. "You're going to get hurt." _

"_Go away," I pleaded. "Please go away." _

**You can't have me anymore.**

"_Jacob-"_

"_Go Away!" I roared and swung at the passenger seat. _

_The car swerved dangerously as my fist connected with the seat and her form dissipated into a thin wispy smoke. _

**You can't have me, let go!**

_I cried out in frustration at her departure. How even her ghost self had left me so easily; had abandoned me in a time of need. _

_I pushed the gas harder. _

**I don't wanna be afraid, I don't wanna run away.  
I don't want to be here fading it's more than I can take. **

"_Jacob, please" Her voice was there again. _

_I flipped my head wildly about searching for her in the car, but she was nowhere. _

"_What do you want from me?" I cried. "Leave me the fuck alone!"_

**I'm never gonna be the same, I threw it all away. **

_I reached a sharp turn in the road and pushed it harder. _

_I had found my escape. _

**Just let go! Let go! Just let go!**

_As I reached the precipice of the curve I released the wheel and left it to fate._

"_Jacob don't!" She cried. _

_I couldn't take the pain anymore. _

**I don't wanna be afraid!**

_I needed to escape the heartache. _

**Let go! **

_I need to escape her once and for all._

**I don't wanna run away!**

_The wheels gave out a screaming shriek of protest._

**Just let go! **

"_Goodbye," I whispered. _

**Let go! Let go! **

"_Jacob!" She screamed. _

_The car pitched and turned wildly before slamming head first into the guard rail. I could feel the heat of the engine as it burst upon impact sending the front into a nose dive, flipping the rear of the car up and over, flipping the car and slamming it into the nearest tree a result. _

**Let go!**

_Then there was only silence; a deep and empty absence of sound. No fears, no regret; no loss and no heartache. I was only left with the overwhelming and all consuming blackness of death. _

**A/N: Soooo, did you like it?**

**Once again my apologies for making you guys wait a ridiculously long time. I feel sick that I slacked so much with this. BUT I finally got it out and I hope I didn't disappoint anyone.**

**Now on to more important issues. **

**Since I suck so much and took forever to write this chapter and get it to my beta this will be the last chapter for a long time :(**

**I know, I know, I suck. **

**But I'm leaving for camp in like a week and I know I won't have chapter 17 written and beta'd for you lovely readers before I leave. I have started writing it though. I don't want you guys thinking I'm giving up on this story because I'M NOT. I love CC too much to ever let it go. **

**I'm hoping that since this story was 35 pages typed on word that this might hold you over for some time. Yes I know I'm leaving you kind of with a cliffhanger but would you expect anything else from me? Hahaha.**

**I do get breaks from camp though and off days so maybe I'll be able to sneak in stuff for you but I'm not making any promises. I'll keep updating you on this though through my twitter. Follow me if you aren't already! Link to my page is in my profile. **

**Anywho. I was highly disappointed that NO ONE entered that contest I was holding. SOOO I'm going to shake things up a bit. I'm going to choose 3 lucky readers who review this chapter and decided who gets what prize. HAHA! Let the anxiety begin ;) **

**Well that's all for now folks. **

**Oh special shout-out to my awesome new friend MaeMay! She's the author of the amazing story ECHOES. If you haven't read her story yet then SHAME ON YOU! It's absolutely amazing and puts my writing to shame, no joke. Her story is located under my favorites so check it out!**

**Well that's all folks. **

**Thanks so much for sticking with this story and not giving up on me. Your kind words of encouragement and your hilarious reactions to all the drama keep me writing and smiling. I LOVE YOU GUYS!**

**Xoxo B**


	17. Surprise, Surprise

**A/N: And we're back! Hello lovelies! Won't keep you waiting any longer. Just wanted to say thanks for sticking with me through that ridiculously long fuckery of writer's block. Haha**

**Disclaimer: All recognizable characters belong to SM. It's ok, I don't really want to be her anyways. **

**/**

_I'd give it all to you,  
Letting go of me, reaching as I fall  
I know it's already over now  
Nothing left to lose  
Loving you again  
I know it's already over, already over now_

_- Red_

**Chapter 17**

**Surprise, Surprise **

My day had pretty much been uneventful after I had awoken around three o'clock to find that Jacob was gone. But this time I didn't allow it to get the best of me. I figured he'd have to go to work and if he had enough time later in the day, he would stop by. I didn't want to sit around waiting for him all day like a pathetic love sick puppy, even if I did closely resemble one these days.

So to pass the time, I called up Leah and asked if she was willing to spend the day with me something we had been doing a lot as of late.

I really liked Leah; not in that secret lesbian crush kind of way, but in the best friends' kind of way; like the whole _you're my sister from another mister_ kind of thing. She had been there for me countless of times over the last month and I hoped she wouldn't go anywhere anytime soon. I liked the way she handled me in my different situations. I liked that she wasn't afraid of hurting my feelings and instead opted for the brutal truth whenever it came to me. It was a huge dose of reality and a major boost in my confidence. Leah was teaching me to love myself.

"So did you find a job yet?"

We were sitting on the curb outside of the local Dairy Queen, munching on our double-stacked ice cream cones. Leah and I had spent the day rearranging and decorating the different rooms of the house. It had been a long and tiring day seeing as we could never really decide on a certain solid look. Every time we finished moving the furniture around and took a step back to appreciate the view, we always ended up finding something wrong with it finding ourselves diving right back in to rearranging. It had taken up the greater part of the day but after finally forcing ourselves to accept the way each room was arranged we both agreed whole heartedly that we deserved a reward for our hard work.

"Nope," I said popping the 'p'. I took a healthy bite into my mint chocolate chip ice cream and settled my elbows onto my knees. I looked over at Leah. Her brows were raised, her eyes shifting back and forth from me to my ice cream cone.

"What?" I bit into my cone again.

"How do you do that?" She asked, a tiny grimace flitting across her face.

"Do what?"

"Just bite it like that?" The look she shot me was enough to raise a blush to my cheeks.

I covered my mouth self consciously and swallowed my current bite.

"I don't know," I mumbled.

"Freak." She said laughing.

"Hey!" I softly elbowed her side.

We fell into a comfortable silence and continued to eat our ice cream.

"So, if you don't mind my asking," She paused. "How exactly _have_ you been paying for the house and everything if you don't have a job? I mean I know you haven't been living in it for that long but still."

"Good question," I mumbled. "I'm going to get a second job, I mean I've still got Yannie's but that can only do so much you know?"

She nodded in agreement. "Yeah…but I didn't ask you how you _plan_ on it; I asked how you've been _managing_ so far."

Leah was always too perceptible.

"Oh, that." I mumbled and shifted my eyes away from her. I knew that I should tell her about my funds – and how I had been managing on my own but to be honest I was kind of embarrassed.

"Just spill it Swan," She groaned. "I think we're close enough by now to not have anymore secrets between us."

I steeled myself for a possible scolding.

"The Cullen's set up a fund for me and to my knowledge have been putting a weekly allowance in it." I breathed out fast. "Compensation for everything I've sacrificed to be with them."

There was a brief moment of silence where I feared Leah would suddenly lash out, but all I received was a low whistle.

"Wow," She said. I chanced a glance at her and found her eyes were fixated on the distant horizon, both wide with wonderment. "That's shocking but – not?" She tilted her head and eyed me.

I shrugged my shoulders. "I was surprised when I got the message."

On my trek back home, after I had fled Alaska, Carlisle had called and left a lengthy message explaining the bank account and what it meant. I had protested and refused to take the money but it was all irrelevant in the end. I had sacrificed a lot to be apart of their family, had given up so much; a little or a lot of money couldn't hurt.

"So you've been living off of their money?"

I nodded my head. "Is that wrong?"

"Fuck no," She laughed out. "I say milk them for all their worth!"

"Leah!" I scolded her lightly, joining in her laughter.

"Damn, you're set for life now aren't you?" She asked.

"Pretty much," I agreed. "It's a little weird but I think I'll live,"

Leah shook her head. "Lucky bitch,"

"Language,"

Leah scoffed and rolled her eyes. "Better not let Jacob know, he'd go all ape shit on your ass."

I cringed and fumbled with my ice cream cone.

"Yeah, I don't think I'll be letting him in on this secret any time soon."

"Wise decision,"

We ate the rest of our ice cream in light conversation keeping away from the more heavy topics; we'd had enough of those for a lifetime. After we finished our snack we headed back to the house for some much needed relaxation settling in on the couch to watch a few flicks. I tried to keep the majority of my focus on the film but I constantly found my eyes straying in the direction of the front foyer my eyes and ears straining to hear any kind of approach of Jacob's truck.

"If you keep twisting your neck like that it's going to get stuck," Leah said. "Or break."

I blushed furiously and faced forward too embarrassed to meet her eyes but I still couldn't block out her tiny snickers.

After four hours of movie time and still no Jacob we called it a night. I told Leah she was free to spend the night, my house was just as much hers seeing as she put so much work into it. At first she paused and shot me a raised brow but then decided staying over was for the best, she didn't feel like making the drive back to La Push.

After making sure all windows and doors were locked I followed behind Leah as she trudged up the stairs, bid her goodnight at the guest room door and made my way to my bedroom. Upon entering I quickly swapped my jeans and top for my more comfortable pajamas and settled into my bed.

But not before making sure to leave my window wide open.

/

The next morning I awoke to an empty bed and a heavy heart.

Of course it would be completely selfish of me to want him there when I awoke. As much as I wanted it I couldn't have it; he wasn't mine to want. Jacob and I were playing a tricky game, it was dangerous and risky. He was engaged to Lana and here I was doing anything and everything I could to push my way back into his heart. Of course our actions and decisions when concerning one another as of late proved that I was still there, I still held a place inside though it was significantly smaller than what it used to be. But that didn't matter; all that mattered was that it was _still_ there.

After being hit with the empty presence within my room my senses were assaulted with the familiar smell of a cooking breakfast. Laying still in my bed I could make out the sounds of Leah moving around in the kitchen while humming along to a muffled tune. Taking a few moments to collect myself to hide my growing disappointment in waking up alone, I moved slowly about my room, throwing on a sweatshirt and closing my window before making my way downstairs.

When I entered the kitchen my ears were met with the sounds of Adele and I was filled with a growing humor as I watched Leah dance about my kitchen using one of my spatulas as a make-shift microphone.

"The scars of your love they leave me breathless," She sang, swinging her hips back and forth to the backing drums. I stifled my laughter as I watched her from the doorway. "I can't help feeling; we could have had it all! Rolling in the deep!" She broke out her shaky vocals battling with Adele's smooth sound.

I couldn't stifle my laughter any longer as Leah did a particularly ungraceful spin. She turned to face me and beamed widely at me as she continued to sing.

"You had my heart inside of your hand, and you played it to the beat!" She swiveled her hips and beckoned me forward with a finger.

I danced towards her swinging my hips back and forth. I was never much of a dancer when I was younger. I was always too afraid to let go knowing that I would possibly only make a fool of myself, for sure. But things were different now; I was learning that it was important to take risks, to act like a complete fool; that it was ok to let go every now and then. Plus, I could really use the pick-me-up this morning.

I picked up a wooden spoon and joined Leah as she danced around the center island singing along with the uplifting and powerful words. The bass thumped through to my chest a small film of sweat forming over my skin as I spun around continuously while pulling off other embarrassing and cringe-worthy moves. We couldn't contain our laughter as we danced and pranced and jumped and spun through to the end of the song, screaming our voices hoarse. I was very aware that it was near eight in the morning but none of my neighbors were close enough that our incessant banshee screeching would be a problem.

When the song finished, we collapsed spent on the chairs around my kitchen table breathing heavily but happy all the same.

I needed that," I spit out between breaths and folded my arms on the table, plopping my head down heavily.

"Adele's good for the soul," Leah said. "She always gets me in a good mood."

"Thanks for that," I smiled. "What'd you make for breakfast?"

"Eggs, bacon, and toast" She turned her head towards the center island.

In the midst of dancing I had failed to notice the feast Leah had lain out for us. Along with the eggs, bacon, and toast there was sausage, a bowl of fresh fruit, and what looked like hand squeezed orange juice. Leah had gone all out.

"Wow," I breathed out. "I didn't even know I had that much food in this house."

"You didn't," Leah snorted, "I went shopping."

I looked at her with a dropped jaw, my eyes wide.

"Leah you shouldn't have-"

"I was hungry," She stated with a shrug of her shoulders.

I shook my head at her and pulled myself from my seat with Leah right behind me. I grabbed two plates while she fetched the glasses from their place in one of the many cabinets adorning the kitchen walls. After loading our plates with more than enough food we sat down and enjoyed our breakfast. Throughout our morning meal we sat and ate in a content silence both of our focus trained solely on the food in front of us. I hadn't realized I'd worked up such an appetite prancing around my kitchen. As I ate I couldn't help but let my mind stray knowing full well what subject it would most likely be drawn to; Jacob.

I couldn't help but mull over the many possibilities as to why he left without a word the other day, then proceeded to not call or come back later on in the evening. A part of me knew this to be extremely selfish and needy of me but I couldn't help it. My mind was full of all types of scenarios involving him and his evil fiancée, the majority of them more than unpleasant for me but most likely a fairytale ending for her.

Through everything that we had been through of the years this was the first time where I actually felt threatened, that I wouldn't be able to keep Jacob for me and me alone anymore. Granted all those years ago my wanting to keep him was just me being extremely selfish, wanting to have my cake and eat it too simply because I couldn't fathom the idea of having to let him go forever. But I had given myself the chance to have and be with him and I had blown it; thrown it all away.

Breakfast past for me in constant worry but for Leah it seemed relatively calm. When we were both finished she collected out plates and proceeded to load up the dishwasher while I continued to worry myself to pieces. With all of these new found threats and fears I could only think to question everything that had occurred between Jacob and me as of late.

Did he really love me? Was he lying when he said he wouldn't let go? Was he with Lana at this very moment? Was he promising her things that he would never promise me? Maybe he'd finally decided that I wasn't worth the time or the trouble. I wouldn't blame him if he did.

I resorted to biting my nails, an old habit I hadn't seen since the fifth grade, and pulling out my hair after another hour had come and gone and Leah finished with the dishwasher and washing the pans in the sink. It was too late for me to help by the time she sat down with me, placing a cup of coffee in front of me.

"Oh, Leah I'm so sorry," I mumbled moving to get out of my seat.

"No sense in getting up now," She laughed, "I'm already done."

"Sorry," I said. I dropped back down into my seat.

"Its ok, I'm happy to help," She clasped her hands together, "Now, tell me what's wrong."

I wasn't sure how to go about explaining all of my hopes and fears to Leah. I knew that she was in my corner and rooting for my happy ending, but that still couldn't quash my fears of her passing judgment of me and the entire situation. Sure she knew all about mine and Jacob's recent escapades and the things that were said and done but I wasn't sure if she really grasped my desperate want and need for him to be back into my life and for me to be let back into his heart.

I raised my mug of coffee, intent on taking a sip to clear my throat, as I grappled with the words that couldn't seem to make their way to the surface. I hadn't even taken a sip when I heard a loud bang from my front foyer.

Leah jumped. "What the fuck-"

I rose to my feet with the intention of moving towards the front foyer but paused when I saw Jacob striding into the kitchen a determined look on his face. I could feel the beginnings of a smile forming on my lips at the sight of him but it faltered at the hard mask on his face. I took my eyes off of him and trained them on the liquid in my cup, forcing my heart to settle and to prepare for the battle that had just arrived on my doorstep.

I shrunk away from his tall frame as he appeared above me and jumped at the loud slap that rang out when he slammed something down in front of me. I could hear his heavy breathing and I could feel the tension rolling off of him in waves. I bit back tears and tried to understand what was going on. How had things changed so drastically from last night to this? Why were things always changing between us?

"Jake what are you doing?" Leah spoke up.

I shot my eyes to his face briefly to gouge his reaction but was horrified when I saw the black angered pools that met me. He held up a finger to Leah, refusing to look at her or give her any kind of verbal answer; it seemed as if he was waiting for me to do the talking.

I shifted my eyes off of him to my cup then finally to the item he had slammed down in front of me. My body shuddered violently when it took in the sight of the white envelopes; it trembled at the black lettering of his name.

"Jake," I whispered, unable to tear my eyes from the offending envelopes. "What are you-?"

"I found her," he hissed above me.

"W-what?"

"I found her," He hissed again. "I did what you told me,"

I remained silent, too afraid to speak. From under my lashes I could see the swiveling of Leah's head as she glanced back and forth between Jacob and me.

He slammed his fist down onto the table.

"God damn it Bella, I found her!" He roared.

I sat and stared at him with wide eyes. I could see the anguish in his face, the anger rolling off of him in waves, washing over me and filling me with its heat.

"Jacob," Leah started.

"Leah stay out of this." He growled.

For once Leah did what he asked and her mouth snapped shut. A part of me was angered that she wasn't coming to my defense but I knew I couldn't be selfish and reliant anymore. I needed to hash this out myself.

"Jake-" I made a move to leave my seat but he stopped me with a hard glare.

"Don't…just don't."

He turned his back on me and ran an unsteady hand through his hair. His shoulders slumped forward, rising in heaps of guilt weighed heavily upon his body; his soul. The notion that I did this…that I had done this to him sickened me.

I was unsure of what to say in this very moment. The course of action to take was unclear. Should I go to him, attempt to comfort him? Or should I hold my place and cower in the shadow of his anger? No matter what I did, I knew that possibly nothing could ever rectify this, could repair the damage that I had done.

Leah reached out a hesitant hand and gave mine a reassuring squeeze. I couldn't bring myself to answer her in any way; I was too transfixed on the defeated figure before us. Knowing that this moment was deeper and more than she could help with presently Leah slipped silently from the room, leaving Jacob and I to our fresh but familiar battle.

"I love you," He breathed, his voice a tiny whisper, "I love you and I love her and – God – she's been there and _you left_, and now your back," His shoulders slumped further forward as he turned to face me.

The look on his face nearly killed me, should have killed me.

"God, I love her Bella, I do. I love her and I slept with you and she forgave me." His words shook. "She fucking forgave me and it makes me _sick._"

I folded my shaking hands into my lap.

"And now, everything is just so fucked up because I don't know what to do," His voice finally broke. "I don't know what I want and I should know what I want. It shouldn't be like this, _I shouldn't be like this_."

"Jake it's ok, everything's going to be fine" I reached a hand for him.

"No it won't!" He roared pushing my hand away. I shrunk away from him, his anger hitting me full force. "God damn it how could you even think that anything is ever going to be fine?"

"Please-"

"Are you fucking blind?" He roared. "Do you not see what this is doing to me, what you're doing to me, my life?"

I was speechless, unable to stand up for myself to fight this incoming tirade.

"Jacob I'm sorry but what do you want me to do?"

"I want you to fucking leave!" He lashed out. "I want you gone!"

I was stunned.

"You – you don't mean that." I stuttered, a pain settling heavy in my heart.

"Everything was fine until you came back," He hissed. "I was moving on, I was getting better; I was living!" His voice rose. "And then you come back tear down everything that I've worked my ass off to re-build!"

"Jacob-"

"My tribe is pissed off, Billy is torn between his people and his best friend and half the pack wants to tear me apart for even letting you back in to our lives!"

I rose from my chair, prepared to reach for him, to help him understand that this couldn't happen. I couldn't leave him, there was no way I could ever extract myself from his life. He was too much a part of me and I him. He had to know that.

"Jacob please-"

"And to top it all off I've betrayed Lana" He cried, "On more than one occasion! She's had to deal with all this drama and bullshit that you've dragged in with you and now she's got all this uncertainty about me, about our relationship! It isn't fair to her she's done nothing wrong!"

"She's done plenty!" I fought back. "Don't you dare try and defend her to me!"

"She's my fucking fiancée!"

"I know that! Don't you think I know that?" I screamed. "I was there Jacob! I was there when you threw that fact right in my God damn face!"

Jacob rushed towards me quickly, the heat of his breath unexpectedly in my face.

"What has she done to you Bella? Huh?" He questioned, his eyes filled with raw anger. "Tell me one thing that she's done."

"The bonfire," I hissed.

"What about the bonfire," He stated with a casual shrug of his shoulders.

I was on edge now, my blood boiling with unleashed rage.

"Don't you dare Jacob, you were there," I moved forward and pushed him hard. "You saw the way she talked to Charlie, My _father_, you saw it!" I shoved him again, his feet stumbling slightly before he was back in my face.

"He deserved every word of that!" He spat.

"He didn't and you know that," I argued. "How – how can you stand here and say these things to me, after everything that's happened, after everything we've done!"

"Because it was a mistake," He hissed. "You were a mistake."

I shook my head at him the tears I had done such a good job at holding now falling relentlessly down my face.

"You don't mean that," I sobbed. "I know you don't mean that,"

"I do Bella," He stated coldly. "And it's high time you understand that."

"Why are you doing this?" I cried. "God, Jacob I don't even know who you are anymore-"

"I'm Lana's fiancée," He ground out. "I'm her fiancée Bella-"

I took a step away from him, my head shaking wildly.

"Don't,"

"I'm her fiancée and I'm going to _marry_ her-"

"Please-"

"It's something you have to accept. Why can't you at least try to accept this?"

"Because you were mine first!" I screamed. My body shook violently, my hands trembled; my eyes blurred with tears. "You were mine and she – she took you! She took you from me and it isn't fair!" I ran my hands unsteadily through my hair, trying to get a grip on anything. "I love you, I've loved you all along and – and all she had to do was _look_ at you, and I've fought for this, for you, and it just – it isn't fair!"

There was unbearable stretch of silence in which my uncontrollable sobs were the only sounds that filled the small kitchen. I rung my hands tightly together desperately trying to stop them from shaking but I couldn't focus long enough on them to do it. Jacob remained silent, refusing to be the first to speak.

"I know you're with Lana and I know you think we can't be together," I whispered through my tears. "But I tried to let you go all those years ago and I couldn't Jake. I kept trying and trying, but I couldn't do it then and I can't do it now. I don't want to." I pulled my arms tight across myself, "Jake I'm so tired of trying…I just want to be with you."

"I can't be what you need me to be," He whispered.

I clutched my arms tightly around myself as he spoke. I couldn't bring myself to look at him; I couldn't watch him leave me again.

"Then why did you come to me that night?" I cried.

"I don't know," He sighed. He ran a nervous hand through his hair and avoided my eyes. "I didn't think…" He trailed off unable to finish.

"Didn't think what?" I said. "Didn't think that it would lead to anything?"

"No,"

"So you knew?" I gasped out. "You knew what would happen that night, you expected it?"

"Yes, no – I don't know!" He cried out.

"Then what do you know Jacob?" My voice rose. "Why did you do it? Why make love to me? Why love me at all-"

"Because it's all I know," He cried. "God Bella, it's all I've ever known."

A heavy silence fell over the kitchen. I shifted hesitantly from foot to foot fighting the urge to run to him and wrap my arms around him. I desperately wanted to console him to give and promise him anything and everything he ever wanted if only he'd have me as well. I loved him, was _in love_ with Jacob, and I needed him to realize that, to see that I was in this for the long haul; that I wasn't going anywhere this time.

"You think it's any different for me?" I whispered. "You think that loving you isn't the only thing that's ever made sense to me?"

He sighed heavily and shook his head, a sad smile forming on his lips.

"Bells, there was a time when loving me was the last thing on your mind," He sighed.

"That's not fair," I said.

"Isn't it?"

"I messed up I know that," I pleaded. "I made a mistake and now I'm trying to fix it."

"But that's the thing Bella," He said slowly. "Not every mistake can be fixed."

"What are you trying to say?"

"That loving Edward may have been your mistake," He ran a hand through his hair and shrugged letting his words trail off.

"And?"

"And…" He glanced at me and paused, as if he were afraid to say what was on his mind. "And maybe loving you was mine."

It was a His words sliced viciously through me. I wasn't sure what to make of this statement, this cold hard hitting assumption he now held about me. I knew it couldn't be true, he couldn't possibly feel this way about me. I wrapped my arms tighter around my middle and took a step back. I struggled to keep my breathing in check, I didn't want him to see me breakdown.

"We can't do this Bella," He continued. "It isn't right, for either of us."

"You're right for me," I quickly responded. "Jacob, you're right for me."

He wiped a hand across his face his shoulders hunching. It wasn't until he lowered it that I noticed the shine in his eyes and the pain trapped behind it.

"That was years ago Bells," His voice came out strangled. "I'm different now, we both are; it can't be that way anymore-"

"It could, Jacob it could if you would just try." I stepped towards him reaching out to touch him. "Please,"

"I can't, I'm sorry," He sighed and side-stepped my hand. "I need to leave."

He turned his back on me and started a brisk walk for my front door, me following close behind.

"No," I cried. "Please don't do this, don't leave."

He ignored my plea his stride lengthening. I picked up my pace reaching out and grabbing his hand as his other wrapped around the front door knob.

"Jacob I'm begging you," I cried squeezing his hand tightly. "Please don't do this, please."

His back rose and fell with heavy breaths, his head shaking slowly from side to side. I knew he was fighting a war within himself, waging a battle between his mind and his heart. I could only stand and wait…and hope the outcome would be in my favor. Within moments Jacob's hand tightened around mine and then loosened. I let out a heavy sigh thinking the battle had been fought and the outcome was good. We were going to get through this setback, we were going to try.

"Goodbye Bella," He whispered.

_Wait what?_

"Jake no, please!" I cried as he twisted the handle and pulled the door wide open.

I stepped forward in an attempt to grasp his hand once more when I ran straight into his back. Jacob stood stock still in the doorway his body tense and unmoving.

"Jake what are you-?"

"Izzy baby!" A familiar deep baritone sound rang through my ears.

_No it couldn't be…_

I stepped around Jacob my eyes widening when I faced the visitor on my doorstep. He looked the same, tall, handsome, and just as beautiful as the first time I saw him. His eyes were alight with a happiness I couldn't connect to, couldn't feel in that moment in time. All that I could feel was an all consuming dread; this was not going to end well.

"Oh God," I groaned.

"Aww come on," He laughed. "I know you missed me baby." He finished winking playfully.

"Baby?" Jacob growled. I had forgotten in that short moment that he was there. "Bella, who the fuck is this?"

"Ian," I gasped.

My heart dropped, the world spun, and I fell over at my waist, spilling the entire contents of my stomach out onto the front foyer floor.

/

**And there's chapter 17. Let me know what you think loves!**

**And just a reminder, chapters from now on will most likely be significantly shorter. This way I can get out more chapters to you in a more timely fashion…hopefully. Haha. Once again, thanks so much for sticking with me, love you guys!**

**xoxo B **

**p.s. if you didn't notice, I changed my twitter name and my FF account name. You can now find me as BnayyFF. Since there's some upcoming changes in CC I thought that it was time for a change with me too. LOL**


	18. Author's Note

Author's Note:

Hello everyone! Long time no talk! Well I'm not going to bore you with any excuses as to why I've been gone so long, just know that Real Life is crazy and I thank you all for being so patient and understanding. I'm just writing you a quick note to let you know that CC is still being written and there are no plans to abandon it. I know I've said this many times before and I'm sure some of you have doubted me, but know that I seriously want to finish this story. Although I don't plan on abandoning this story know that it is being re-written at the moment. I'm going to go through it chapter by chapter and redo it because I want it to be more cohesive. I kind of just wrote it as I went and a bunch of things cropped up that I wasn't expecting to. Also, there are a couple of Adult rated scenes that I want to get rid of so that CC isn't taken down; it's just a precaution really. So be on the look out for the re-writes. Once again, thank you so much for sticking around and for all of the numerous encouraging PM's you have sent in my absence. It really means the world to me.

-B

p.s. I have recently posted a oneshot titled "Without Leaving Mine". If you missed it, go check it out and read it please! There will be more oneshots and the like along the way as well!


End file.
